The Dog Who Was a Prince
"But why do I have to go to the council meeting?" whined Zuko to his Uncle Iroh. "It's boring and there aren't any hot chicks there."
"It's your duty as heir to concern yourself with matters of state," answered Iroh as he pushed his charge down the halls of the palace. "Someday you'll rule our country so you should begin preparing for your eventual reign."
Iroh realized that Zuko wasn't listening to him, but was instead eyeing the admittedly shapely behind of the maid scurrying down the hall in front of them. "Zuko, pay attention!"
"Huh? Uh, yeah, sounds good. Sounds really good." Iroh noticed drool starting to leak out of Zuko's mouth. "Really, really good. Who's a good girl? Yeah honey, work that cute little – ow!"
Iroh drew his fingers back from Zuko's eyeballs. "Uncle, you blinded me! This is treason! How am I supposed to masturbate without visuals?"
"That's what you're worried about?" asked Iroh. "And you'll be fine in a few minutes – now come on, the meeting will start soon." Being temporarily blind made Zuko easier to handle and Iroh wondered why he hadn't thought of poking Zuko in the eyes before. Maybe he could poke his nephew in the eyes whenever Zuko needed to do something important? No, that was a stupid idea, Zuko would probably just use his blindness as an excuse to grope women.
The guards outside the council room surreptitiously looked at each other in disbelief. Was that really the Crown Prince coming to join the meeting? He'd probably pull his pants down and start jerking off in the middle of everyone. They crossed their spears in front of the door, denying entry to Prince Zuko, but they reluctantly let him enter when General Iroh (the freaking Dragon of the West!) glared at them in annoyance.
Iroh firmly maneuvered his nephew through the door and into a seat at the council table. He made sure it was out of the way. "Remember, Prince Zuko, only listen and do not speak out of turn. In fact, don't speak at all."
"Can do!" said Zuko enthusiastically. Already his eyes were starting to glaze over and Iroh was pretty sure that Zuko was in the opening stages of yet another sexual fantasy. Iroh tried not to sigh as he slapped his nephew on the back of the head. The meeting hadn't even started yet. "Nephew, pay attention!" ordered Iroh. Zuko grumbled to himself but stopped picturing a mile-long daisy chain or whatever it was he'd been fantasizing about.
Presently, the meeting came to order and the assembled generals and ministers began to give reports on the state of the war in the Earth Kingdom. Strangely enough, Zuko appeared to be paying close attention to the conversation. In fact, he looked like he desperately wanted to ask something but was holding himself back out of a sense of propriety.
Iroh wasn't the only one who had noticed Zuko's uncharacteristic attentiveness. No less than Zuko's own father, the Fire Lord Ozai, turned to Zuko and asked him for his opinion. "Prince Zuko, perhaps you would share your thoughts with the council?" Iroh held his breath and waited for Zuko's reply. Would his nephew finally reveal his inner depths, would he finally show the world that Iroh's painstaking tutelage had come to something? Perhaps Iroh was imagining it, but he thought he saw a faint flicker of hope on Ozai's face as well.
"My lord, a question of some import weighs upon me," said Zuko. Okay, this was starting out pretty good. Zuko turned to one of the council members and regarded him gravely. "Governor Tai, you have ruled your province in the Earth Kingdom for nearly thirty years." The governor acknowledged this fact with a nod. "Then among us here, you have the greatest experience with people from the Earth Kingdom?" Again, the governor nodded his assent. "Then tell us this, Governor: do Earth Kingdom girls swallow or spit?"
Ah, fuck, thought Iroh. The silence in the room was deafening. Iroh couldn't be sure, but this was almost certainly the first time in Fire Nation history that someone had asked about oral sex during a council meeting. And because all council meetings were transcribed by law, this particular incident was definitely going into the history books. The Fire Sages would put up too much of a fuss otherwise.
"You miserable little shit!" shouted the Fire Lord as he leapt over the table and grabbed his son by the lapels. Iroh could see his brother's face rapidly turning red. He'd seen Ozai angry before, but now the Fire Lord looked like he was literally shitting bricks – sideways.
"Thirteen years!" shouted the Fire Lord. "Thirteen years I've put up with you! Your grandfather killed himself when he realized his family had produced you. Your mother entered a convent to get out of raising you. How? How could you be my son?" Ozai broke down and wept tears of bitter shame. The assembled council members averted their eyes and pretended that a grown man wasn't sobbing hysterically in front of them.
Suddenly Ozai stiffened and looked down. The rest of the council followed his gaze to see Zuko's erection poking at his father's leg. Had he been like that during the entire meeting?
"Look, pop, I'm a teenager, it's an involuntary — eeaarrgh!" screamed Zuko as his father melted half his face off.
"I'll burn the pervert out of you!" screamed Ozai as he firebended at his son. He stopped firebending only when Iroh and the other council members pulled him away. He did, however, keep screaming as he was firmly led back to his chambers.
"Oww," moaned Zuko from the floor.
Wow, having half your face burned off really sucked. It really, really sucked. How could he hook up with any chicks when the left part of his face looked like fried bacon? And oh yeah, it really hurt too.
"Hello, Prince Zuko," said Uncle Iroh from the door to Zuko's room. He regarded Zuko for a moment before entering. He gazed with sympathy at the sight of Zuko lying injured in bed. "I'm sorry I couldn't stop your father sooner." Iroh's face grew grim. "Your behavior was inappropriate, but that does not excuse your father's actions. What he did dishonoured the council itself. Blood has never been spilled in the council room, certainly not Fire Nation blood and definitely not that of the Crown Prince – and at the hands of his own father!"
Huh, he hadn't realized that had been such a big deal. His confusion must have shown on his face since Uncle Iroh continued to elaborate. "The Fire Lord is not a slave owner and his subjects are not his property. The Fire Lord controls, the Fire Lord even dominates but he does not whip his subjects into submission. That is barbarism, that is not right conduct! Remember what the Sage of the Sakkyas said to his students . . ."
Oh great, his uncle was lecturing again. Good thing Zuko had gotten better at tuning him out. Bla bla bla, something about a path. For his own amusement, Zuko decided to pretend that whenever his uncle said "honour" he actually meant "penis."
"By his actions, your father has shown that he has lost his penis," said Uncle Iroh. "No, he never had a penis in the first place." Zuko tried not to giggle. It would just hurt his face. "Your very banishment shows that your father does not understand what a penis is at all. How can one 'lose' one's penis and how can finding the Avatar give you back that same penis? Either you have a penis or you don't. The rest is stupidity."
Zuko desperately stifled his mirth when he realized what his uncle had said. "Wait, what was that?" asked Zuko. "I'm supposed to regain my penis – I mean, my honour?"
Iroh gave him an odd look. "Uh, yes to the second question. Oh, right, sorry, I skipped over that part. Your father has banished you from the Fire Nation and has charged you with the task of finding and capturing the Avatar, never mind the fact he's been missing for a hundred years. Only then will he rescind your exile. He has granted you a ship – a very small ship – and a crew as well as allowing you to keep accessing your royal income. How my brother expects you to capture the most powerful bender in the world –"
Zuko sensed another rant about responsibility coming on and quickly headed it off. "So I don't have to worry about council meetings and royal conduct and whatnot anymore and I can just travel around in my boat cruising for muff?"
"Well, err, I wouldn't put it like that," said Uncle Iroh.
Hot damn, thought Zuko. If I'd known this was going to happen, I'd have rubbed my dick all over my dad years ago.