Wingless

by LoverOfAllThingsNerdy

I see a light in front of me before the trees break away to reveal a small clearing in the woods. A solitary oak tree stands firmly beside a gently flowing river; the clear blue sky is reflected in the glittering water. And there you are, sitting in the lush grass. Waiting for me as always.

My eyes open to a silent dark room.

I roll over to my side, feeling warm and confined in my sheets I quickly sit up. Turning my head to look out the window I see glittering stars painted against the midnight sky. It is still very early in the morning, not that it bothers me though. It has been my habit to wake up at this hour, ever since…I shake my head and slide out of bed.

Lighting a candle to provide me with some light, I quietly get changed into my uniform. The belts clink together as I strap on my maneuver gear, and I drape my shoulders with an emerald green cloak. The Wings of Freedom symbol settles at my back.

Tch, freedom? I wonder why such a word even exists in this world.

Walking down the cold stone steps I head downstairs to where the kitchen is held, glancing around I check to see that the room is silent, and I take solace in the fact that no one is awake yet to come down here and bother me. There are no missions planned today, so everyone is most likely trying to rest and heal before the usual routine of training begins.

I find my favorite tea and grab a cup, wiping it out of course. The fools here almost never clean anything out properly. I make my tea but I don't get anything to eat; I haven't had much of an appetite for the last couple of weeks. I then sit at one of the wooden table as I sip my drink, lost in thought.

It was hard adjusting to this place at first, being the clean freak that I am, but such is life in the corps. This castle is old, and even though my troupe worked so hard trying to clean and repair it, I honestly don't think that it made much of a difference. The rooms still smell of mold, there is a draft blowing in from who knows where, and if you're quiet you can hear the sound of dripping as water leaks from various cracks in the roof and all along the ceiling. That being said, even though I wasn't what you would call thrilled upon learning of our orders to come here, it does serve as a good base and it provides Eren with a safer place to stay. The young brat would have most likely been dissected or worse if it wasn't for Commander Erwin asking for him to join us. Unfortunately for me though, it just means one more person that I'm responsible for keeping alive.

I finish my drink and wash out my cup. After putting everything back in its rightful place I leave the fortress and walk outside. It's still dark out, but looking up I see a faint pink streak the sky as the sun begins to rise, and clouds build in the distance. The wind picks up and it blows through my hair, causing my cloak to billow out behind me. It smells of the forest and rain that's sure to come before long. I walk down the steps and turning right, I find a familiar path.

The trees rustle in the breeze and I fold my arms to my chest as I walk, trying to keep out the cold. It feels like winter will be arriving soon. Perfect, as if living wasn't already hard enough, winter never ceases to bring more problems.

Fire wood becomes scares and when food is hard to find, everyone is told to cut down on rations. But of course when the spoiled start to get hungry, they rebel and try taking food from the poor.

Thankfully this only seems to happen inside Wall Sina, but the Military Police there are such lazy jackasses that they sometimes call on us for help with the riots.

Oh really? If that's how it's going to be, then maybe we should invite them to help us with the Titans, come the next attack. Those damn idiots would probably soil them self by merely coming into contact with one. I chuckle at the thought.

The sound of leaves and twigs crunching softly as I step on them ring in my ears as I continue trudging down my path. The sky is becoming brighter with each passing moment and I can hear birds chirping as they awake from their sleep.

I glance around at my surroundings; dew falls from vines and colorful flowers open their petals trying to taste the light. A hazy mist starts to form as the warmth from the sun strikes away at the chill that lingers in the still morning air. Even though it's beautiful and quiet, I am to never let down my guard. I have walked this path many times though, so I have no need to look ahead, because my feet instinctively know where to go.

I've been coming here for weeks now, but no one ever asks where I disappear to. All those who know where I'm going just tell me to be careful and thankfully none of them ever tag along. I do wish they wouldn't look at me with those eyes though.

Eyes that are filled with sadness and pity.

I take a deep breath and let out a long sigh, rolling back my shoulders in annoyance. I hate it when they look at me like that.

I wonder what about me is so pitiful.

I walk in silence for awhile longer until I start to recognize certain trees and the way the path curves ahead of me. Unconsciously my pace begins to quicken; almost there.

I see a light in front of me before the trees break away to reveal a small clearing in the woods. A solitary oak tree stands firmly beside a gently flowing river; the clear blue sky is reflected in the glittering water. And there you are, sitting in the lush grass. Waiting for me as always.

I can see you as your short brown hair blows in the wind and then falls perfectly around your face like the long vines of a willow. Your stature is small and delicate like a flower in spring, and your eyes are shinning like the stars.

Though we meet here every day I never tire of that feeling of fondness that pulses through my body when I see your beautiful form, or the way you smile at me with delight every time that I arrive.

"You're late!" You greet me, placing a pouty look on your face.

I stroll across the grass to where you are until I stand beside you underneath the shadow of the large tree.

"Excuse me, but I have quite the distance to walk. I'd like to see you get up before dawn to come here." I keep my face straight, but I have no heat in my words as I tease.

You giggle at my comment and I look away, stepping back to lean against the trunk of the tree, resting my shoulders in a small crook along the bark that I found awhile ago.

Surrounded by the tranquil sound of the river lightly splashing across its sandy bed, we sit in a comfortable silence as the wind picks up, and a faint rumble of thunder is heard in the distance.

"Hey,um, Levi?"

"What?"

"You don't have to stare at me like that. Every time we meet here, you give me that same look." You shift uncomfortably under my gaze. "I'm not hurt or anything."

"Hm," Your face shows a hint of worry as I study you. I then look away, tilting my head up to where I see the sun shining through leaves as they dance above me in the wind.

"Is there something wrong with showing concern for a comrade?"

"Ah, no. I'm sorry, but you don't need to worry about me. You know I'm safe." You say, trying to reassure me.

"Hm."

Safe…

Across the river there is a sudden noise of breaking branches and bushes rustling.

We both jump to our feet in an instant, whirling around I grab the hilts of my swords, ready to draw. Shitty bastards! Did they really get this far? Not here! I won't let you come here! My vision fills with rage and I'm ready to attack. Scanning the forest for signs of movement I see a flash of brown and I brace myself, squeezing the handle of my blades I'm about to pull the trigger. But right before I release my grapples and launch forward at my enemy, you stop me by gently putting your hand on my shoulder.

"Look!" You whisper.

Fallowing your outstretched arm, I stare at where you are pointing. From out of the forest stride three beautiful brown deer, two adult and one fawn. It looked like the baby had fallen into a ditch or something which must have been the cause for the struggle.

I let out a sigh of relief as I sheath my blades, when I hear you snicker I turn around to look at you. You have a hand covering your mouth, trying your hardest to not laugh at the way I almost went Titan slaying on one of Gods cutest creatures.

I try to glare at you, but seeing you look happy as I remember; I can't help but let out a small smile too.

"Alright," I scold. "You can stop laughing now, I doubt this is the first time someone has mistaken a woodland creature for a Titan."

You laugh harder as I cross my arms and lean against my tree once more, watching as the deer walk to the river, bending their graceful necks to get a drink of the cold water.

We fall into our usual routine after that and for hours we talk. Eventually I kneel down beside you; absentmindedly picking small handfuls of the grass.

The sun rises as the hour becomes later and I unbutton my cloak to lay it on the ground behind me as the day starts to warm.

We talk of many things, about how much stronger we became over the years, and the memories we shared. Of the scars we gained and of the battles we fought.

Each moment continues to pass like a steady heart beat and I cherish this time that I spend with you, because regrettably I realize I will have to leave you again soon.

Your presence is the warmth that surrounds that clearing, and your voice is the song the birds sing, echoing through the forest. Your skin is as pale as lilies, and your eyes are golden like the leaves that fall from the branches, littering the ground with colors of red and orange.

I will treasure these bittersweet memories.

" What!? Hanji kissed Commander Erwin?" You quickly sit up and stare at me in shock.

"That woman is insane enough without being overworked and over tired." I start to explain. "When we told her to get some rest she stubbornly refused and claimed that all she needed was a drink. By the time Erwin found her she had already downed three bottles of liquor. So when he tried walking her back to her room she just kept rambling on and on about how pretty of a Titan he would be if he could transform. She then leaned over and gave him a sloppy kiss beside his mouth, right before throwing up all over his boots."

I hold a hand to my head in exasperation as I finish telling the story.

"Honestly, I think that was the very first time I saw Erwin at a loss for words."

You fall back to the grass as you start giggling madly, your face is brushed with the slightest red as you fight for oxygen, but still you continue to laugh.

"I-I can't believe Hanji did that!" You gasp, slightly out of breath.

"I can't believe she hasn't done more stupid things. Her energy alone is enough to drive anyone mad. I'm surprised Eren has endured it for so long, especially since she has been so obsessed with him lately."

"Ah! And how is our Eren?" Your eyes light up at the name.

"He's still an ignorant brat, but his strength has improved with our training, and he has become much more adapt to his Titan form." I think back to the brown haired boy, he really has come a long way from the time when he scared the shit out of us trying to reach for that spoon.

"That's wonderful news, I'm so glad he's getting stronger! And not just him, from what you tell me it sounds like all of the newer recruits are doing very well. Especially Mikasa Ackerman." You look so happy as we talk about those who fought with us, wanting to learn more about how they have grown.

"Her fighting skills seem to improve every day, and her devotion to Eren helps drive her forward. The Scouting Corps was a good choice for her."

Laying back down you breathe a contented sigh, letting the sun wash over you. "Everyone inside the walls must be feeling so hopeful, it's been awhile since we have had so many skilled soldiers join us." You turn your head toward me. "Although, we have always been very lucky to have you, Humanities Strongest!" You say with a smile.

A tightly woven string perfectly balanced can hold a great deal of weight. But if the balance is suddenly tipped by some greater force, then the string becomes stretched and worn. And then even the smallest of things, can make it break.

"Humanities Strongest, huh?" I have my head bowed and my eyes are shadowed.

Just then the wind roars strongly through the clearing making the tree branches clash together and clouds completely cover the sky, blocking out the sun.

"Levi? Are…Are you okay?"

"If I'm the strongest then why were there so many I couldn't save?" I murmur.

"…What?"

"Why were there so many I was unable to protect? Why are my friends constantly dying right before my eyes? Why do they all leave me alone, with only the memory of their deaths? Why!?"

Your eyes slowly grow wider as my voice continues to rise until I'm yelling, spitting out the words in anger.

"They say power is good, but if you're strong and someone dies then it's automatically your fault, and you are then left to carry that burden! And as more people die, the heavier the weight becomes until you are being crushed beneath it and you can no longer breathe."

My heart beat has quickened and I clench my fists as I start to shake. I try telling myself to stop, that I need to stay calm, but I can't. These feelings have been building inside of me, suffocating me, and like a storm it finally unleashes.

There is a sudden flash of lightning and thunder rumbles loudly around the clearing, scaring away the deer that had been peacefully grazing by the river bed. I quickly stand to my feet.

And finally the rain begins to fall.

"What is the point of having power if still you have to watch people cry over the mauled, dead bodies of their loved ones? What does it mean to have strength if your enemy is to forever loom over you, constantly reminding you that you are weak? You cannot un see the sight of blood nor block out the sound of tortured screams. Power doesn't change it. Strength can't erase it. And then only you are left to suffer."

I hate it. I hate the way my voice sounds, like it could break at any moment. I hate feeling so weak and open and confused.

"Levi, why…Why are you saying this?" You stand to your feet as well, staring at me in horror as I continue to speak.

But what I hate most of all is how you are the only one who can bring out this side of me.

A pessimistic side that is spiteful of this retched world that we live in, a side that has been warped and deformed by trauma and fear. One that is adorn with scars, never to heal. An everlasting reminder of the agony I've endured.

"Was this world ever truly ours? Or have we been cursed to live for eternity as prey, cowering forever beneath our predator's shadow? Are we born in this world only to die before we are even given the chance to live!? We didn't ask to be brought into a life full of pain and desolation! We fight so hard yet so we lose so many, did they all die in vain? Tell me, why do we even exist!?"

"Levi please! Please stop!" You shout, your voice is wavering in fear and you look so scared. You reach out your hand toward me but I slap it away and I turn my back, because I can't bear to face you anymore.

Please don't. Just please don't ever look at me.

Not with those eyes.

"How can you say such cruel words?" You plead. "What about all of the people you've protected? All of the ones that you have saved? Don't just forget about them!"

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does!"

"No!"

"Why not!?"

"Because…"

"What!?"

"Because I couldn't save YOU!" I finally scream, slamming my fist with all my might into the tree in front of me. I then drop my arms and they fall limp by my side.

Consumed in silence, we both catch our breaths. The only sound that can be heard is the falling of rain and the winds lonely howl.

I feel the blood from my wound sliding down my hand, staining my knuckles with crimson before slowly dripping from my finger tips. Splashing to the ground. Even without looking I can tell that I have broken my hand, but for some reason the pain never reaches me. My whole body feels… Numb, and distant. Even reality is starting to become hazy.

Quietly I listen but you don't move behind me, and you don't say another word. To stunned to speak.

A warning in the back of my mind is telling me to stop, telling me that I shouldn't be doing this. But any reason that still resides within me is being drowned out by an overwhelming darkness that is slowly swallowing me, fighting to get out. Suddenly I realize I have lost to myself, there is no pint trying to hold back now. This pain has dwelled within me for too long and no longer can I withstand the agony that has been devouring me.

Haunting me with the vision of you dead in my arms.

"I still remember," I choke out. "Finding the lifeless bodies of our squad in that forest. "

"Gunther."

"Eld."

"Oluo."

"I felt the pain of my heart being shattered over and over again as I looked to my fallen comrades, who had once fought so bravely beside me. All of them had left their homes in order to fight and protect their loved ones, and the thought of them never again returning to their families nearly broke me completely."

Cold rain drops fall from the sky and streak down from the corners of my eyes, as if the storm is weeping for me.

"Then I found you, and still I remember. The sight of your once beautiful body, now bloodied and broken, cast aside as if you held no more significance in this world than a piece of trash. And every night I am forced to relive that nightmare, again and again."

As those gruesome scenes that I tried so hard to forget force themselves back into my mind, a painful sensation begins pooling in my gut. I wonder what this feeling is. Fear? Hatred? Remorse? All of these emotions that I usually keep tightly locked away are now slowly spreading through my body like poison.

"Instead of believing in my own strength, I chose to believe in my friend's. But my foolish mistake cost you your lives, and the friends that I so deeply trusted in became nothing but mangled corpses, abandoned on the forest floor."

"Levi-"

"You died because of me." Distraught is thick in my voice now.

"No, it's because of you that I lived."

Drip. Drop.

Though the rain continues to pour, I am completely deaf to the sound. Though the boughs of the trees bend, I no longer feel the touch of the gale. My world has gone mute, all except for you.

Step.

You take a step closer to me. Your calming voice edged with pain pierces me to the core like a shock of electricity. My eyes widen in disbelief as you talk and I realize you have complete control over my entire being, my thoughts, my mind and my movements. Unable to fight it I stand frozen and silent

"It is true, that there is no death without people. But without people there is also no life."

Step.

"No matter how old you are, or how quickly you die, everyone has experienced some happiness in this life."

Step.

Conflicted I wait; Torn between the feelings of wanting your touch, and begging for you to stay away. A battle breaks out inside my head as a storm surrounds my body. Yet all I can focus on is the words which you speak.

"A mother giving birth to her baby."

Step.

"The first time a child sees snow."

Step.

"A man falling in love, and holding her in his arms."

I flinch as you finally reach me, but you don't hesitate as you wrap your arms around my waist.

Encasing me in your warmth. Covering me in your scent.

Your drenched clothes bleeding into mine.

I'm about to pull away but you tighten your grip around me and then you, ever so softly, whisper in my ear:

"A bride happily marrying the man she loves…."

My heart completely breaks at hearing those words, and my legs give out from under me. We both fall to the ground and I can feel you start to cry. Your tears slip down your cheeks and fall to my neck, sliding down to my beating chest.

With just a few letters stung closely together you have shattered all that is left of me. All that holds me from falling is your firm embrace.

I feel your warm breath ghost my ear as you rest your head against mine. Brave as you were in life, you still continue on.

"And it is that happiness that gets us through the pain." I can feel you trembling and you're breathing ragged. I cross my arms and place my hands on top of yours.

"And before we die, it's not the bad times we remember, but the times we felt joy, no matter how small."

I clench my fists, breaking the scab that had sealed upon my knuckles. In the back of my mind I feel the slight sting of pain.

Un noticed by us the rain has come to a stop, and a calm has settled in the air.

"Then as your eyes are filled with light you see the smiling faces of the ones you loved, all telling you goodbye…"

I'm silently yelling, begging for you to stop. I don't want to hear this, but the words that I wanted to speak never turned into sound. Instead I tighten my grip upon you.

The blood from my wound slowly drips down to your hand, pooling around your delicate fingers. A small crimson river connecting us both.

A red string of fate.

"Please, don't go. Not again." My voice cracks as I sense that your warmth around me is starting to fade.

"So please promise me," Still you cry.

"As you go through life," I try bringing you closer.

"You won't ever forget," I don't want to let you go.

"All of the ones you loved."

When I feel your body leave mine I quickly turn around, desperate to stop you, desperate to keep you here.

But then my eyes widen with shock, and I will never forget the beautiful sight before me.

The sun breaks free from the clouds behind you and its warm fingers caress you with its light. A gentle breeze tosses your hair and you shine like you are something to pure to touch.

Your eyes are tear stained, yet full of happiness as you look down upon my face. Your body is surrounded with a perfect glowing white, and your pink lips part to give me a soft loving smile.

And I suddenly realize that I'm scared. Because once again I couldn't hold on to you, once again I failed to keep you with me.

Now, only in my memories will you remain.

I reach out my hands to your radiant figure and you lean forward to meet my embrace. I encircle my arms strongly around your small waist and press you close against my body, breathing in your scent and feeling your heart beat with mine. I bury my head in your neck and you close your eyes, hugging me tightly.

The clouds dissipate and the sky is left a breathtaking gold. The air is warm and the grass is sparkling with the freshly fallen rain. The river flows mildly and a song is being sung by the birds, timidly stepping out from their nests now that the storm has passed. The deer leave their shelter, peacefully searching for food as the forest comes alive with the sound of insects, signaling that the sun is soon going to set.

All too soon you pull back and gently place your lips on my forehead.

A fleeting sense of happiness fills my heart at the touch of your affection, but like the flame of a candle that feeling is extinguished.

Because slowly, right before my eyes.

You start to fade away.

This time though, I don't try to fight it.

Because I know that I can't

I lacked the strength to save you from your death and now you can no longer remain safe by my side.

Your body will decay, your soul will vanish from this world.

And I am left to suffer.

I bow my head but you lift my chin. Your voice is as faint as a whisper.

"Now Levi, it's time. You have to let me go."

My eyes widen.

"No! I can't, not yet! I want to stay like this with you! Please, no." I guess I really am pathetic, but I can't bring myself to stop.

"You know that cannot be. Please Levi, let me go, let me leave this place and be free from your mind. You know as well as I that you cannot keep doing this, because if you continue to bring me back it will take a toll on your mind far greater then death. Free yourself from this torture that you have burdened yourself with and erase this darkness that you have forged in your heart."

I'm panicking now, trying to say something that will make you stay a little longer, but my mine is clouded beyond ruin. All I can do is hold on to you tighter. My heart is racing, I'm shaking again, and that terrible feeling in my gut is swelling once more.

What's wrong with me?

Who was I before this?

Have I really lost my mind?

But my questions go unanswered as your beautiful eyes lock with mine, behind them lei a look of seriousness.

"See? You can feel it, can't you? Please stop this Levi, do you think this is what I would have wanted?"

I pause at that. What you would have wanted? No, I have would never let you see me like this. Slowly I shake my head, taking a deep breath to calm down a little.

"Levi, nothing makes me happier than knowing that you care so much for me," You give me a small smile. "But I cannot bear to see you like this anymore. We gave you the title of strongest because that's what you are, and I know you can hold that strength once more if you only try. Find your strength and become the brave soldier you once were, and walk on a path free from regret. Remember, the dead are not comforted by tears, so don't cry for us, live for us. And cherish this life and all those who are in it. Because life is a precious thing, and once it's gone you can never get it back."

"But…What if I can't?" Each word I that I speak feels like it's being dragged out from my mouth against my will. Like it's someone else talking, controlling my tongue, but still I go on. "What if there is no more good left in this world, and it is beyond saving? If this war continues on we will all perish. The land will burn until not a blade of grass survives, and not a single soul will remain." My breath catches as images of a mass holocaust unleashes and corpses fall to the ground like snow, and bodies clog the rivers. Homes, memories, even our very existence drowned beneath a red sea of blood.

But all you do is smile. I feel you remove your hand from my shoulder and you bring it to my chin. Gently you slid your delicate fingers across my lips and warmly caress my cheek. You then lift your hand and you place it over my eyes, shutting them, so all I can do is focus on your voice.

"Birds may seem like small and fragile creatures, but they are also given wings. And while the predators are confined to the earth birds can fly away from those who hurt it. The can fly way up and experience a world created only for them. And I want you to have that, I want to free you from the sorrows that tie you to the ground and watch you soar above the walls and pain that have shackled your feet. I want you to look to the sky and see a light that shines with the smiles of all those who have passed. So, even if you cut off your wings…"

You press your lips to me for a tender kiss.

"I will give you mine."

"Now, let me go..."

Your touch has disappeared and when I open my eyes…Your gone.

The wind blows around me and in my ear I hear the faintest whisper.

"Levi, I love you."

For a split second the world comes to a stop, and I scream.

Lacing my fingers through my hair I pull my knees into my chest as remorse racks my body.

Curling up my side hits the ground, and there I lay. Surrounded in the lush grass, underneath the solitary oak tree by the gently flowing river.

Emptiness fills me.

And I cry.

"I have always loved you, Petra."

My eyes open to a silent dark room.

Looking out the window I see the sun has not yet risen, and the glittering stars are painted against the midnight sky. Getting out of bed I change into my uniform and drape my shoulders with my emerald green cloak. Fastening the clip over my chest.

I head down the cold stone steps to the kitchen where I grab a teacup and my favorite tea. Sitting alone in the quite dining room I lose myself in my thoughts as I finish my drink. After putting everything back in its rightful place I head to the door and walk outside. An icy breeze surrounds me and ruffles my hair, the sun is starting to rise and birds begin to sing as the awake from their sleep. Turning right I head down a path that leads me deep into the forest. Tucking my arms close to my body to stay warm I say nothing as I continue down the road. The longer I walk the brighter the sky gets and a mist forms around me. I keep my head down, listening to any movements when the path curves in front of me in a familiar way, and my pace quickens. The light before me grows larger and brighter until the forest opens up and the trees part to reveal a small clearing.

And there you are.

Waiting for me as always….