Title: The Case of the Missing Cheese
Fandom: Yami no Matsuei
Rating: PG
Genre: Crack
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. No copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: A series of mysterious disappearances occur at the Ministry.
A/N: It would have made a good story, if it wasn't for the gratuitous crack! Also, I haven't written anything YnM related in a while, so please bear with me. Have I mentioned that this is crack?... :)
Coming to work on a Monday morning is never easy. Even if you are dead. All the employees of the Ministry of Hades could attest to this as the first thing to greet them upon arrival at work on that fateful Monday morning was an ear piercing shriek.
"TREASON! SABOTAGE! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"
The door to the meeting area of the Summons Section of the Judgment Bureau burst open admitting a wailing Watari. "We have been infiltrated! There is a traitor in our midst!" he cried waving his hands around. Tatsumi, Tsuzuki and Hisoka exchanged a glance.
"Now, now, calm down, Watari," Tatsumi spoke in his usual controlled manner. "Tell us what happened."
"Oh, it was horrible! I am still in shock! I can't even think about it without shaking!"
"Just try to relax." Hisoka winced. "Your emotions are making me go cross-eyed! What exactly has led you to believe that the Ministry has been infiltrated?"
"My cheese is gone! I came back to the lab this morning and it was gone," said Watari as if that would explain everything. Unfortunately it didn't as the rest of the Shinigami just stared at him blankly. "My cheese?" He repeated. "It was supposed to be the subject in the demonstration of my latest invention? The Amazing Cheese Chopper."
"Oh!" Everyone quickly nodded to prevent another long lecture in yet another one of Watari's unparalleled technological developments. "So you lost your cheese?"
"No! I did not lose it. It was stolen! It's all part of the spy's master plan to bring the Ministry down. First the cheese, then YOU!"
Tsuzuki petted Watari's hand soothingly, "It'll be all right, Watari. It'll turn up sooner or later."
Watari swatted his hand away looking very insulted indeed. "I am serious here! This matter must not be taken lightly. We must open a new case immediately."
"Oh, yes, I can see its title already – The Case of the Cheese That Run Away!" snickered Tsuzuki.
Giving Tsuzuki a reproaching glare, Tatsumi smiled at Watari, "I am sure it's all just a mistake. You probably misplaced it somewhere. Just give it a few days and follow your nose to the foul smell of rotting dairy."
"Oh, you can mock me now, but just wait until this gets completely out of control! You shall see!" Watari gave them a prophetic look before quickly marching off.
---
While in general Tuesdays are much easier than Mondays, such was not the case this time. When a second morning in a row started off with a loud scream it did not bode well with anyone.
"Help! Watari was right! We are being sabotaged!"
Tatsumi was the first to arrive at the meals area followed closely by Hisoka. They found Tsuzuki slumped in a chair, staring dejectedly at the table where an empty plate, an overturned cup and a teapot sat. Tatsumi rushed to his side, kneeling next to the chair and taking Tsuzuki's hands in his.
"Are you all right, Tsuzuki? Are you hurt?"
"Tsuzuki," Hisoka put his hand on Tsuzuki's shoulder. "What happened here?"
"I left the room for a minute to get a cup of tea and when I came back my cake was gone. My beautiful cream filled, chocolate covered piece of baking goodness was gone!" Tsuzuki was clearly on the verge of tears.
Konoe was the next to join them, peering cautiously around the corner and only then entering the room. He glanced anxiously at the table, where all the china was. The teapot looked particularly malicious. Not wanting to risk it, he inched around the table carefully to stand next to Tsuzuki.
"Boss, help me! My cake has gone missing! It must be the work of the same felon that took Watari's cheese yesterday."
"Are you sure you didn't just eat it yourself and forget all about it?" asked Konoe, all the while eyeing the teapot suspiciously. He never did trust those strange contraptions with spouts.
"No, boss! Don't even joke like that! It was taken with a criminal intent."
"Yes, boss," nodded Watari, appearing seemingly out of nowhere right next to Konoe and making him jump. "These are no mere coincidences. Even you must see that now."
Tsuzuki was sobbing quietly on Tatsumi's shoulder, thoroughly soaking first the left one and then moving on to water the right. Tatsumi petted his hair and smiled warmly, "Stop crying, Tsuzuki. It'll be fine. We shall investigate this to the best of our abilities."
"AHA! I always knew you had a soft spot for Tsuzuki! You didn't offer to investigate this when it was just my cheese. Just wait until Muraki hears about this."
"Oh, stop acting like children," admonished them Konoe. "I'm sure this is all nothing important. Get back to your proper cases, everyone. That is a direct order. Now! Scram!"
---
"It simply cannot continue on like this!" Konoe shook his head sadly during lunch on Wednesday. "When the boss's snacks start disappearing without a trace something has to be done! It was such sweet apple and not even the core was left."
"Yes, yes!" Tsuzuki nodded enthusiastically. "We must start investigating all these gruesome crimes straight away!"
"What an idiot." The manner in which Hisoka rolled his eyes could be heard all the way in the next department.
Tatsumi looked pensive, "Did anybody else notice a particular pattern to these occurrences?"
"Pattern? Oh, yes – it clearly targets the truly smart ones first." Watari nodded vigorously.
"HEY!"
"Err… sorry, boss. I thought you left already."
"Well, I have an idea, so just give me a little time and I'll see if I can solve these mysterious disappearances." With that Tatsumi was off.
---
Two days later Tsuzuki walked into the meeting room, where Hisoka and Watari were going over some paperwork.
"Has anyone seen Tatsumi lately?"
"Yes, actually. He's setting behind the plastic palm tree in the East corridor. Has been for the past two days. Says he's 'Staking out the culprit'." Hisoka shook his head sadly.
Tsuzuki shrugged, "Well, I'll just go see how he is doing then."
Tatsumi was exactly where Hisoka said he would be. He was sitting cross-legged on the floor on top of his suit jacket. His shirt was rumpled, eyes bloodshot and he looked as if he hadn't slept in, well, two days. In his hands he was holding a piece of string the other end of which disappeared around the corner and was obviously attached to something. Tsuzuki crouched down next to Tatsumi, who barely looked up.
"Hey, Tatsumi, how long are you going to be here?"
"Until I catch that f…"
"Hey, hey, hey! Watch it! This is PG rated, you know."
"What I was actually going to say was 'freak'. But whatever works for you, my friend." Tatsumi focused back on the place where the string disappeared around the corner. "So what was it that you wanted from me?"
"Oh, well, some of the guys are going out for drinks after work. You know tequila shots, girls," Tsuzuki wiggled his eyebrows. "Boys. Good times. I just wanted to know if you'd want to come, but I can see that you are busy. So good hunting to you."
---
"Voila!" Tatsumi looked positively triumphant albeit pretty beat up as he shook what appeared to be a small metallic cage covered with a dark cloth in front of the rest of the Shinigami. It had been a week since the strange disappearances had started and so far Tatsumi had not shared any of his thoughts with anyone else. With an elaborate gesture of a practiced magician Tatsumi pulled the cloth off the cage and presented the content to his skeptical looking audience.
"What is the meaning of this, Tatsumi?! Is this some kind of humorless joke?" Watari was absolutely scandalised as he squinted at the cage that the other man was holding up.
"It's… it's a mouse! Is that really your perpetrator?" Tsuzuki could not believe his own eyes.
"Well, it does make sense. The only things to go missing were edible," shrugged Hisoka. He opened the cage and took the animal into his hand.
Konoe was staring at the little rodent intently, "What I don't understand is how the mouse managed to get inside the Ministry's building."
"Never mind that. What I would like to know is how you managed to catch it, Tatsumi?" Watari abandoned the mouse in favour of interrogating Tatsumi.
Plopping down in a chair, Tatsumi put his feet up on the table and smiled. "Elementary, my dear Watari. I simply put a few crackers from Hisoka's lunch box into that cage, then I tied a bit of string to the door latch and waited. When the beast came out to eat again it smelled the crackers, went inside the cage to get them and WHAM! I pulled the string and it was trapped inside. Isn't it just ingenious in its simplicity?"
"Not to underplay Tatsumi's achievements or anything, but the real question here is whatare we going to do with it now? What sort of punishment can we administer to an innocent animal that was just following its instincts?"
"Well, I thought…"
But before Tsuzuki could suggest any sort of suitable reprimand, Watari's owl swooped down on them, grabbed the mouse out of Hisoka's hand and disappeared into the night.
"Well… That took care of that!"
"What are you talking about? Poor 003! Hades only knows where that dirty animal has been, 003 could be seriously damaged or worse!" Looking absolutely heartbroken, Watari banged his head against the wall a few times.
"And on that cheerful note…"
They were interrupted yet again as a horrified Gushoshin flew into the room.
"Something terrible has happened!" He paused for a more dramatic effect. "The plastic palm tree from the East corridor has gone missing!"
"Oh, not again…"