Things were all good yesterday, until the devil took your breath away. I can remember it all perfectly, like it was, well yesterday. I suppose it was yesterday to everyone else, but not to me, never to me. For me, each minute has felt like another day going by, every hour another year without you, no one would have guessed it was only twenty-four hours ago that you were taken away from me, but that's all it was.
I'm alone, Fred, all alone in this. George is grieving of course, but he has your mum, and the other Weasley's to grieve along side him, others who love you like he does. Who have I got? Who loves you like I do? There's no one left for me. I'm alone.
My parents are gone, damaged beyond repair, Harry has enough to plague him for a lifetime, and he's strong. I used to think I was strong, back when I was young, when I was invincible. What happened, Fred? What made me mortal again? I think you know.
The battle was more alive than it had been, yet there were more deaths than could be counted. I was at the top of the stairs above the entrance hall, locked in a duel alongside Ron, both of us as relentless as one another. The single Deatheater shouldn't have stood a chance. It took a flurry of three stunning spells to finally knock them down, too much for the slicked haired man to handle in one hit, I imagine.
The distance between me and the entrance hall was miniscule, just a two second walk in normal circumstances, but right now, with duels taking place left, right and centre, it was havoc. Flashes of colour were slicing my vision, making me see spots for a few seconds as I recovered from the shock of it. Hot sparks showered against the bare skin where my jacket or trousers had ripped, burning my skin for a second, but I didn't mind too much. Compared to every other injury I'd felt over the past year, a small burn was nothing in comparison.
I duelled my way across the entrance hall, somehow managing to lose Ron on my journey, but not being able to risk turning back. I know it was selfish of me, I still know that, but I had to see you, Fred, I had to know you were still okay.
The image that met my eyes as soon as I entered the great hall told me how naïve I must have been to believe hope was at all on my side. Between the flurry of sparks and the sound of crumbling stone I still noticed you, lying still, your eyes closed on the floor to the left of them room. I don't remember how I managed to make it over to you, all I know it that my knee's buckled as soon as I was beside you, tears swimming in my eyes as I clutched your shirt in my grubby fists.
I thought you were dead, I truly thought that you'd already abandoned me, Fred, left me all on my own to fight this world alone. You can only imagine my relief when I finally felt the fluttering beat of you heart between my own sobs and the sound of your breath, however hitched, in my ear as it ruffled stray hairs from my braid.
"Hermione" you said, you're voice hoarse and raw, like you hadn't spoken for a long time, or you were exhausted.
"Fred!" I exclaimed, astonished to hear the sound of your voice, music to my ears. "You're alive!" I cried, wrapping my arms around your neck. I remember hearing you laugh, a soft, boyish chuckle, one that quickly turned to fits of coughs, a small trickle of blood dribbling to your chin.
It was only then that I pulled myself back, fully surveying your appearance. Your clothing was ripped, your skin filthy from the dust and grime of the battle. There was a cut across your cheekbone, the blood already dried, but a fresh trickle trailing down from your hair line. Your ginger hair was matted with blood and dirt, making it a few shades darker than it should have been.
"I'm alive" you said weakly, looking straight into my brown eyes with your beautiful sapphire ones. "But not for long" you added quietly, as though you didn't want me to hear you, but I did, every filthy, disgusting syllable.
"You are not dying on me" I said defiantly, scanning over you, looking for the damage. I saw the skin of your shoulder first. A large patch of your jacket and shirt was missing, like acid had been poured on the fabric, leaving a gaping, gagged hole behind. The skin beneath was a mess, a carnage of flesh and blood with specks of dirt, a true war wound. "Why hasn't this been fixed?" I asked, appalled by the sight.
"Priorities, Hermione" you said with a quiet, half hearted laugh. "Heal the wounded, not the dying."
"Buy you're not dying" I said, anger flushing my face a shade of what I like to describe now as 'Weasley Red'.
"I wish that was true" you said with a spluttering cough, your entire face scrunching up in pain. "Sadly, that's not the case today" and you pointed weakly to your chest, where you jacket had been pulled shut. With fumbling fingers and a heart like lead, I pulled away the fabric, wincing at the struggle this entailed to remove the material from your bloody skin. The sight that caught my eye will haunt me forever. The entire front of your body looked like a wreck, not even recognisable as a body, just a large compilation of flesh, skin, blood and what I feared to be a bit of bone.
"What happened?" I asked, horrified by the sight, refusing the let the jacket close over the wound again.
"Curse" you said sadly "A nasty one too" I tried to register the joke in your voice, but I couldn't find it within me to smile, not now. "It's burning through me, soon there won't be anything left" you finished bitterly, trying to keep your voice light, for what I resumed to be my sake.
"Is there anything we can do?" I asked, tears choking my voice as I slowly closed the wound off, sealing it beneath the fabric of your thin jacket.
"Not now" you said your voice void of all mockery, nothing but seriousness. "But you can do something" you said with a smile.
"What?" I replied eagerly, straightening up immediately. I'd reached for my wand, hoping it was some healing charm you required, but you stopped me with a slow, feeble raise of your hand.
"Darling" you said kindly, pushing my hand away from my pocket "Hold me in your arms" you said, your blue eyes so alive that it tore my heart it two. "The way you did last night" I finally let a tear fall down my cheek, remembering how we had spent the previous night.
Just the two of us, alone at the flat, every one else was at the burrow awaiting orders, but that had allowed us this, our one night of freedom. What ever happened after that night was down to fate, but that night was about us and us alone. I can still remember the feeling of your skin against mine, like ice on my skin and a fire in my heart, such a beautiful contrast. We stayed together all night, locked in the tightest embrace, one that made me feel safer than I had in my entire life, and safer than I ever would again I don't doubt.
I nodded, wrapping my arms around your torso as I raised your head to sit in my lap, slowly stroking the stray locks of matted, ginger hair from your eyes. So it wasn't the exact way I had held you the night before, but it was the only way I could hold you now without fear of hurting you or doing any more damage.
"We'll lie inside for a while" you said sleepily and my mind raced back to that morning.
The sun was streaming through the window, illuminating your pale chest where my head rested, my hair fanning out across your skin. "What should we do today?" I had asked you, listening to the steady thrum of your heart. "We'll lie inside for a while" you had begun to say, your voice deep and husky from sleep. I always loved the sound of your voice in the morning, it was always too early for you to joke around so the mocking, sarcastic tone was gone, sincerity in its place. I could never not believe you in the mornings.
"I could look into your eyes until the sun comes up" you said, snapping me from my reverie. I smiled down at you, my brown eyes trying desperately to show some form of hope as I met your blue ones, hoping it was believable; you could always tell when I was lying. This moment was unlike any other, despite the stench of blood and the crescendo of spells crashing together; I couldn't help but feel…light.
Nothing else seemed to be there, no spells, no war, and no death. It was just you and me, together, wrapped up so tightly in light and life and love. You weren't leaving me, I knew you weren't, you couldn't leave me, you couldn't be that selfish.
"Put your lips on mine" you said, breathless. I didn't question, how could I? If my worst thoughts were becoming reality, then who was I to deny you a final request? Drawing a shaking breath, I leant forward, my open lips touching yours and slowly shutting.
I could taste the blood on your lips, feel the flakiness as some of it dried, but it was still you. The familiar softness to your lips was still there, the scent of blood not quite enough to quench the waft of cinnamon that followed wherever you went.
This was what I remember most, the feeling of being alive, being wrapped up in the love, knowing you were still alive in my arms, terrified that at any moment that could change.
Your breath was rattling slightly in your chest as you spoke, your eyes forcing themselves to stay open despite the lure that was pulling you under, pulling you away.
"They're designed to be together" you breathed out, tears splashing down onto your face from where I hovered above you, too scared to do anything other than observe. "Lay with me" you said quietly, your eyes sad, but not scared, you never were scared.
"What?" I choked out, trying to stop the surge of tears threatening to fall. Lone tears I could handle, I could wipe them away easily, but a flood? I didn't have the strength, I still don't.
"With your body next to mine-" you began before coughs racked your body, horrific, chocking sobs that seemed to draw every ounce of air from your lungs. I could hear the terrible gurgling noise your breathing made, no doubt from the blood that was probably filling your drowning lungs.
With a pained nod, I obliged. Shifting slightly so your head rested once again on the stone floor, I shuffled to your side, the rips in my jeans growing larger with every awkward, crouched movement.
Laying my head against your chest, I listened intently for the beat of your heart, the only real indication I had that you were still alive despite the chill of your skin and the pitiful rise and fall of your chest.
I could feel as your arm came around me, holding me to you the way you had done the night before. I remembered the way our hearts would beat in time with one another, the perfect symphony.
But I listened, my heart aching to match the beat of yours, allowing them to beat together as one, the way they should have done. It was comforting, the feel of your arm around me, however still, knowing this was where I belonged, knowing that was where I was going to stay.
It was moments like that when I could trick myself into believing everything would be okay. That we would walk out of this dilapidating castle and face the rest of the word together. My fantasy, however, was shattered when I noticed, our hearts weren't beating as one, and they couldn't be, it was impossible, because my heart was beating alone.
I would never forget that moment, not matter how hard I tried it would haunt me. The thought of moving and leaving you there was unbearable, to accept defeat in such a cowardly way, it was shameful, it was insulting to you, Fred, and I wouldn't do it.
But I had to.
The war was still raging, bodied falling as we lay their motionless, who was I to stand aside. People needed me, your family needed me, and Harry needed me. It was those thoughts alone that dragged me from your side, the only motivation I had to leave your still body where it was. I was brave, I had chose Gryffindor and I was a warrior, and now was not the time to decide other wise.
With my head held high, my cheeks grubby and tearstained, my wand in hand, I left the Great hall, I left you alone, and I didn't look back.
That is possibly what I regret the most, not staying by your side, not finding someone to watch over you, you shouldn't have been alone.
That's why I'm here now, sat by your side, and I have no desire to leave you. The grass maybe wet, my black dress maybe stuck to my skin from the thundering rain that's falling, but I won't leave you now, I won't leave you ever. You're mine, Fred, you and me. We're afire, Fred, we always were.
I can handle the soaked clothes, I can handle the running makeup, I can even handle to sight of your name etched into the grey stone before me, but never can I handle you being alone.
I can hear them now, your mother and your father, your brothers and your sister, singing. Their voices are wafting out here towards me, I can't hear every word, but I can hear one, and that's enough for me. To know they miss you, to know they will treasure your memory, that it's not just my burden to bear. Their rising from their seats now to sing and I can hear them as they do so.
Hallelujah. That's what they're singing Fred, Hallelujah.