"Luke Skywalker's Birthday"
Chapter One: Trial by Yoda
Hand Solo was so excited about it. About today, which was his brother Luke Skywalker's birthday! He knew the best present for him, and so he went out and bought it, which was a dog that looked just like Chewy. It was a tall, bipedal dog like Chewy, imported from the dog planet of Kashyykk. It cost him a lotta money, oh yeah it did! But nothing was too good for Luke! So, on the day the present came, and Luke was having a party with all his friends,
Bib Fortuna - Oh, Luke! There's still one more present you had not opened
Luke - I know, I know what it is
Hand - Oh, what! You don't know!
Luke - yeah, I do it's a dog like you got me last year
Leia - Well, you should open it anyway, maybe it isn't a dog
Luke - No, I know it's a dog because it's as big as one of those big dogs like Chewy and it is barking like Chewy
Hand - I always get you the same present! Egg your time I'm so pissed!
Here comes Hand! He grabs Luke's head and twists it off and Luke stabs him a few times before his life functions cease, but it doesn't kill him. Princess Leia grabs Luke's life saver-type sword, the red sword that he uses as a Jedi warrior, and she swings it at Hand Solo, who gets his arm cut off. Lando Caribbean grabs her, and then Nien Nunb and Admirable Ackbar take turns hitting her head with cast-iron skillets until her head basically no longer can be considered a head, it is more like a puddle of strawberry preserves. The life saver falls on the ground and catches the rug on fire! All the guests are flipping out, and Nien Nunb gets trampled to death in the riot! The firetruck has to come to hose down the Skywalker house!
Hand - Yes, sir! Luke Skywalker stabbed me and his wife cut off my arm, so we burnt their house down with them in it
Yellow Yoda Policeman - Well, ok. I am gathering clues so please bear with me
Lando - Princess Leia stabbed Luke, and then he cut her head apart with the life saver, this is why I cut his head off.
Yellow Yoda Policeman - Ok, now I have two accounts of what happened, but someone is lying. Police work is difficult, especially
Admirable Ackbar - I saw Lando fucking Princess Leia, so I started fucking Luke, and then Hand Solo came in and started fucking me. Five minutes later, the house is a pile of ashes and I don't know who's fucking who anymore!
Yellow Yoda Policeman - I am arresting you for madness, please get into the paddywagon.
Admirable Ackbar - No jury in the world will convict me, how are you!
Yellow Yoda Policeman agrees, and he sentences Ackbar to death himself and then fires a terrific hadoken at him at point-blank range, which means really close up, and this causes his body to kind of become in pieces, so he isn't living anymore. Hand and Lando get off scot-free, because most yodas are prejudice against Mon Calamaris like Admirable Ackbar
Chapter Two: Trial by Dark Maul
Hand Solo and Lando Caribbean were nervous because they were nervous that they might get implicated in the murders of Luke Skywalker, and Princess Leia, his wife. Admirable Ackbar had already been executed by a Yellow Yoda Policeman, and so they were nervous about getting caught and having hadokens rained down upon them as punishment.
Hand - Oh, Lando! This is tough! How are we gonna get outta this one?
Lando - Well, I know how I am, because I am going to lie to the police!
Hand - How are you, really? They will make us take a lie detective test!
Lando - I know how to fake those
Then they hear sirens!
Hand - Oh, this is it! We're gonna be in jail!
Lando - No, you stick with me we'll show them!
So Hand and Lando tip a few speeders over to make a barricade in the road, and they arm their blasters! The Yellow Yodas get out of their police speeder and let loose a barrage of hadokens! Hand and Lando return fire and manage to blast a couple yodas before one of the yodas fires a hadoken in their barricade and it explodes, a piece of the windshield zips around like a boomerang and shreds Lando! It cuts through his trunk like a life saver through a yoda, and his intestines pop out and all his guts are fucked up and he has no choice to survive!
Hand - Oh, Lando! My oldest friend! No!
Hand gives up and is taken into custodian. Where he is taken then to the planet Croissant to stand trial for the murder of his own brother, Luke Skywalker! It is the trial of the century, so he hires the best lawyer there is! Ben Matlock! The trial starts, and Dark Maul is going to be the judge.
Dark Maul - Mr. Matlock, please call your first witness!
Matlock - I call Yak Face to the stand!
Yak Face - I saw Hand Solo remove Luke's head, thus finishing his life.
Matlock - I am calling Luke Skywalker as the next witness!
The courtroom gasps, and Dark Maul is furious!
Dark Maul - Counselors! In my chambers now
Matlock - I want to establish that since Luke is alive, Hand did not commit murder on him
Jack McCoy - No, that's gay
Dark Maul - I'm going to allow it!
Luke Skywalker - Hand Solo had committed this murder upon me
Matlock - I rest my case!
Hand - Oh, this isn't going my way at all!
Dark Maul - Hand Solo, I am going to convict you of murder now. You are hereby sentenced to the electric chair. It is going to feel pretty rough, and that will probably make you dead, so I apologize! Or you can just go live in a jail for ten million years
Hand - No thanks, let's see this chair!
So hand Solo is led into the executing room where the electricity chair is, and he sits in it.
Dark Maul - Does that hurt
Hand Solo - Not really, but it isn't the most comfortable chair I ever sit in
Dark Maul - Ok, I think it's broken. You are a free man
THE END