Title: Spongebob Headphones

Rating: T — M

Pairing: main!Anubis/Percy; minor!Percabeth; minor!Sanubis

Summary: When Anubis was summoned to the graveyard he expected a wailing spirit. He did not expect Sally Jackson's young son nor did he expect for him to be the child's guardian.

AN: So, new story. Work in progress. I don't know when I'll update this next, but it's been on my computer long enough. Eventual slash. Unbeta'd so expect mistakes.

Spongebob Headphones

As soon as he placed the heart on the golden scales it sunk. The withered man dropped to his knees, sobbing for mercy. Ammit opened her mouth wide in anticipation. Her rows of jagged teeth were menacing as her beady coal-like eyes trained on the red, red organ; the man's only chance for salvation.

"O Anpu, please spare me! I have done no wrong in my life," the old man cried pitifully. His squinting brown eyes locked onto his, already tears gathered.

"But you have," said Anubis. "The scales of justice and Ma'at's feather never lie." He plucked the person's heart in his hands, his spindly fingers wrapped around the pulsing organ. It warmed with his touch, giving him snapshots of the old man's life.

He was a businessman. He had an aging faithful wife, his third. He had four kids he acknowledged but ultimately ignored. He was corrupt. He cheated with young woman. He paid no attention to the poor, the weak, the destitute. He lied regularly, he had multiple kids on the side. His soul was heavy.

Anubis' grip tightened. He could crush the heart right now, to see the man truly shattered, but poor Ammit was starving.

"I see…" Anubis smiled when the man perked up expectedly. "That you are unworthy to meet Osiris," and with that he flung the heart to Ammit whom caught it between her teeth with a satisfying squish.

The old man shook with violent tremors, then, he was gone. Wherever he popped up he was to be a restless spirit for all of eternity.

"Next," Anubis said.

A proud woman sauntered into the glittering Halls of Two Truths. She even smiled at Anubis as her heart materialized onto the scales. He stood there impassive, he had seen many a soul walk in here, confidence radiating off of them, and as soon as the scales tipped, they'd start to plead for repentance — this girl would be no different. Arrogance was the common man's downfall.

"Do you have anything to confess," he asked.

She laughing airily. Ha. Ha. Ha. "No."

"You swear you've upheld all 42 confessions of Ma'at," Anubis said.

Another airy laugh and her smile widened. "I have," she said.

Anubis nodded. "Let your heart tell us the truth." He nodded once more and the scales began to tip back and forth…

As he watched with a wary eye he began to feel funny. His temperature slowly rose and he started to reel back as if forcibly pulled by the skirt. He struggled to regain his step, pushing forward against the insistent tugging. However, the more he resisted, the closer he was to stumbling and falling.

Ra, whoever was doing this better be prepared for his wrath. They'd be begging to be a chew toy of Apophis when he was through with them.

"Thoth," he said through gritted teeth.

Thoth glanced at him. His hand still scrying across his clay tablet.

"I'm going to need you to handle the judging temporarily, it appears I'm being summoned," he said.

"Okay!" Thoth said, chipper.

Anubis breathed through his nose and he grew lax. He let himself be dragged. Warmth covered him entirely and then he heard a loud pop and was gone.

Anubis was dropped to the ground face first. He groaned, rubbing his nose, and gawking around only to groan once more when he saw tiny polished grave markers poking through the soft earth. Graveyard. He hoped that it wasn't some dramatic wailing spirit that called him unintentionally. They did that sometimes. So loud were their calls to be found and ferried to the Underworld, they'd unknowingly invoke him for their funerary rites.

As God of Funerals, he'd have to give them their rites, which meant he'd have to go through the customary calm down period, what the funerary rites entailed, family members to be contacted, and yada yada. Let's not forget his fickle temper. His patience inevitably would start to wane the longer the spirit in question talked; Anubis scrubbed his face feeling a headache coming on, this was going to be a long night…

"A-a-re y-you," snotty hiccup. snottier sounding sniff. "A-a-new-bis?"

Anubis let his hand fall to his side. He was greeted to the sight of a shaking boy about five. The boy had a lot of tears and drippy yellow mucus on his face. Disgusting.

"Yes boy." Anubis grimaced. "And you are?" He was conscious enough to switch into his more human form. He didn't want to scare the little booger into having a premature death. He alone knew how much trouble that would be.

To his surprise, the boy launched himself at him. His crying and snot-dripping anew. He blubbered into his shoulder, his words mashing together, creating an incoherent mess.

"Child!" he exclaimed, quite startled. He peeled him off. "Where is your parental figure?"

"At— at– t-the house," he replied, sniffing once more. Anubis restrained the urge to roll his eyes. That was so helpful.

"An address?"

The child started to tear up again. "I don't know, Mama gave me letter—"

"Give me the letter," he demanded. He held out his palm and the child let go of a creased white envelope. Again with the surprises, it was addressed to him in hieroglyphics? How? His stare found the child who was doing his best to stop crying.

He opened the letter and read— more like scanned through its contents. He was barely able to restrain his growl when he came to the end. He almost wished he's been summoned by some dead spirit. "Child, your mother is Sally Jackson?"

The boy, Perseus (Percy) as the letter said, nodded fiercely. His black hair flopping with every move. "Mama?" he said.

Anubis sighed. If what the letter said was true, Sally Jackson, his old friend, was dead. Most likely she was already swearing by the negative confessions and on her way to Hall of Two Truths. Percy was an orphan and Anubis was patron of lost souls, which, he eyed the small brunet, included orphans. Figures.

He clambered to his feet and scooped up Percy, letting him rest at the crook of his neck. "Mama?" Percy repeated quietly, twisting all his questions in the single name. Anubis held back a wince. What was he supposed to say? Did he dare to tell him the truth or was he supposed to lie?

"Percy, Sally is—"

He swallowed. He was saved by a light snore emitting from Percy. He thanked Ra that the little booger had tired himself out. Now, he had plenty of time to gather his thoughts and figure out what to do with him.

He shifted Percy minutely. He supposed before he did anything rash he should seek out advice. He mentally went through the list of the smartest and wisest people he knew, which equated to about five people, and one of them was dead.

So that left four: Thoth, Athena, Isis, and Ruby.

Well. Athena wouldn't be too happy to see him. They were supposed to stay away from each other after all. Thoth was a possibility but he had feeling that Thoth would ask one too many questions and try to steal Percy for some 'research'. Isis, his adopted mother, could be a bit temperamental on a good day. That left Ruby.

Great.

He stepped into a stray shadow and thought of Ruby. The shadows rose and swallowed him whole in one moment, sending him through the infiniteness of Duat. In the next moment he was in Ruby's home.

He managed a steady grin for a few short seconds before a sharp electric current ran up his back. He hissed, face scrunched up and muscles tensing. His grip tightened on Percy as he struggled to stand, his other hand shot out to grip onto the island counter. The current refused to let up continuously injecting painful electric shocks into his system. If he had been mortal he was pretty sure his system would have been fried by now.

"I'll give you one chance to go back where you came fr— oh, Anubis!" a woman's voice said, to be specific Ruby's. She entered the kitchen in a pale bathrobe, her blond hair pulled into a messy bun. She gawked. "Anubis, what are you doing here?"

"Ahh!" he cried.

"Crap! Anubis you have permission to enter."

He nearly buckled to the floor when the shocks died down. "Pretty strong enchantments you have." he tried to stop the jitters coursing through his body. "What are you trying to keep out; Gods?" he joked.

Ruby eyed him flatly. Her silence was enough.

"What are you doing here, Anubis?" she asked again.

He straightened out so she could get a better look at the drooling boy on his shoulder. "Sally is dead. This is her son, Percy."

"Sally – wha – Percy, I haven't… I just… what happened?" she fumbled. Her blue eyes flickered to his, urging him on. "Go on, tell me." she demanded.

Anubis sighed. Mortals with their lack of respect, honestly. Nevertheless he spoke.

"I was in the Hall of Truths when the boy called me all on his own. There was a lot of snot and tears and he finally gave me a letter written by Sally. He accidentally found out about his Father, one of the big three greek gods and his scent became that much more powerful. Obviously, that attracted a bunch of monsters. Sally probably warded the worst off and now I'm stuck with him because I'm the Patron of Orphans."

"Lost Souls."

Anubis rolled his eyes. "Same difference."

"So, what are you going to do with him?"

Anubis shifted. "It's actually why I'm here —"

"Wouaaa wouaaa wu wu wouaaaaaaaaaa!"

He flinched back as if he had been slapped. His earsdrums pulsed with each new shriek. What in the world was that god-awful screech. It sounded like a nasty mixture between a banshee wail and the keen of a dying animal.

He glanced at Percy before flowing back to Ruby. Surely, she heard the same terrible cry. And she had. He noticed that she wore a tired sort of resigned smile as she began to move around the kitchen.

"That was Sadie." She pulled out a pink-ringed bottle from the fridge.

"Sadie?"

"Mm."

"What's a Sadie—"

"Sadie cryin' loud," interrupted a small voice. Anubis spun around to see a very small human, younger than his human, but definitely bigger came into the kitchen. He wore pyramid-printed footie pajamas and clutched a food encrusted ripped falcon plush toy dyed in a rainbow of stains. The small human took no notice of him, hurrying over to Ruby.

He already connected the dots. His nose didn't have to tell him. This new human was Ruby's. Ruby had reproduced; he dumbly blurted such a fact.

"You have children."

He began to see the little things. The similiar eye structure, the scent, and the hair. The way she easily picked the human up and cuddled him close — the dark rings around her eyes but that weird glow and smell that new mothers acquired.

"Two children."

This changed things quite a bit.

"Stunning observation, Sherlock," quipped Ruby.

"Sherlock?"

"Never mind." Ruby winked at him. "So, what are you going to do with him?"

"I was going to leave him with you, but I'll leave him at orphanage, they still have those right?"

"You will not!" exclaimed Ruby, her blond curls flying. Her mini-me echoed her with jabbering cries of displeasure. "You cannot."

"They'll take care of him," he argued. That was what they were there for.

"And for how long do you think they'll do that, Anubis? What happens when Percy has a tempter tantrum or gets upset and his powers are activated; what of the monsters he's sure to attract? People are only tolerant for so long and after that tolerance is used up, what comes next! Fear! They'll fear him!"

Anubis lifted his head, his fingers dug into Percy's soft skin. He regarded Ruby. What did she know. He was a God, the God of Lost Souls and Funerals and if — when— he left Percy at the orphanage he'd be doing his job. What the humans did to Percy after he was gone wasn't his concern. Gods did not get attached to humans after all.

"He's the right age to start his training at the House of Life," she reasoned. "He'll have his chance to hone his powers and be around people that will love and understand him."

"No."

"But—" she persisted.

"No!" he said with more force. "Sally would not want her son to be taught by those ungrateful godless heathens."

For her part, Ruby's mouth snapped shut with a small click. She drew back, straightening her back, standing at her full height of five foot five inches. She gave him one of her famous smirks her blue eyes twinkled. "You're right, that isn't what Sally would have wanted."

Anubis smiled. He was glad she saw it his way.

"But. She would not have wanted him to grow up in an orphanage either. I think she wanted you to take care of him," she said.

She continued on. "Sally obviously taught him to go to the graveyard and call you if she…" Ruby grimaced. "was in trouble. She entrusted you with her child Anubis and you know how much Sally valued family."

Damn. He didn't have argument to stand on. He knew that Sally valued family more than anything in the world. It would make sense; she had been alone for most of her life with her parents dying when she was little older than her son. Her aunt and uncle, her only family, basically foisted her off when they discovered her abilities, and to top it off they died a couple years after her admission into the House of Life.

"I don't know how to take care of a human though. I'm not supposed too."

Ruby's response was delighted laughter. "First, when have you ever cared about rules? Secondly, no one really knows how to take care of children, you learn by trial and error."

It was his turn to grimace. Child-rearing sounded unpleasant and painful. He really was the last person anyone would expect to raise one, Sally had trusted him though… but he was a God and he was pretty sure dealing so closely with humans was against some type of law.

"Don't think so hard, Einstein."

Anubis looked at her questioningly. Ruby only rolled her eyes to the ceiling for a moment. "Another human saying," she offered. "Just don't make any rash decisions, please. Sleep on it."

"I don't sleep–"

"Another euphemism, it means wait until tomorrow to tell me your decision."

Ooh. Ruby had many of those. He wished she spoke frankly.

"The guest room is down the hallway and to the left," she said. She yawned. "Now, if you don't have any more breaking news I have a daughter that needs to be fed and changed and a son that needs to go to bed.

"Sweet dreams, Anubis," she said softly. She offered him a small smile before backing out of the kitchen and to what he assumed was Sadie.

He switched the lights off with some difficulty and headed to the guest bedroom. He was somewhat surprised to see an Egyptian headrest at the head of the bed where the pillows should have been. He had thought that Ruby had gotten careless after she left the House of Life. After all, she continued to wear her ridiculous leather boots and belt whenever he saw her.

He untangled Percy from his shoulder. He positioned him in the headrest and pulled the thick covers up to his chin. Anubis watched him for a couple of tense seconds coming to a decision.

He waved a hand to open a black portal. One last glance thrown to Percy and then he was gone.

…

Destroyed.

It was completely and utterly destroyed.

Anubis looked around the apartment, horror clear on his face. It looked like a mini-bomb detonated in the room. Broken glass littered the ripped carpet. The light blue couch lobbed in half, the front door barely clinging onto its hinges. Plants overturned. The table splintered into a hundred pieces. White walls skewed with blacks marks and the list went on.

He carefully stepped from his spot and let his nose lead him to Sally. His breath caught when he found her in a blue, blue bedroom. Ripped stickers of fishes and waves decorated the walls… a blue Egyptian headrest was split into two, and Sally, his dearest friend, was propped against the railing of the bed. Mounds of golden dust surrounded her. He sank down to his knees just at her feet, staring, not daring to blink or breathe.

She was pale like death probably already clammy to the touch. Aside from that there were little differences in her physical appearance. Her curly brown hair was tugged into a ponytail. Her light blue eyes were wide but vacant, and pink lips was where a triumphant grin permanently sat. Her fingers were loosely curled around her wand and staff and half-erased chalk runes were drawn around at her feet. She went down fighting.

He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. What was there to say? She was his friend, one of the very best he had in a long awhile, and seeing her like this, dead… but he already accepted the truth. He was the God of Funerals and whatnot, her body was vacant. Her ba probably already weighed and judged. It was pointless to use words on someone that was long gone; it wasn't like he couldn't ever talk to her again.

He flushed. "I'll do my very best, Sally." he told her corpse.

He opened another portal, leaving it at that.

…

It was 7:15 am when Anubis heard the inevitable sniffle of "Mama."

He sat to the right of Percy. He turned to face the small boy peering at him. His bottom lip wobbled and a misty sheen already coated his eyes, he didn't need his nose to tell him that tears would be coming soon. Anubis frowned, not sure how to stop the oncoming onslaught.

"Percy," he said slowly. "Sally, your mother is dead. Do you know what the means?"

Percy shakily nodded. "Means Mama not coming back?"

Anubis licked his lips. "Right. She's not coming back. Ever." Percy's lip trembled more, his thin shoulders started to shake. "But," he hurried on. "She entrusted me with a very special mission." He attempted a gentle grin.

"M-mission?" Percy repeated.

"Yes. Do you know what she wanted me to do?"

Predictably, Percy shook his head. "She wanted me to take care of you in her place. Is that all right?"

Percy was still as a marble statue for a minute, then, he was in his arms crying again. Anubis couldn't understand a lick of what he was saying, but there was a lot of nodding and snotting. He awkwardly rubbed Percy's back.

"It's going to be okay," he soothed. At least he hoped so.