Rating: For now this will be T, though it's subject to change.
Disclaimer: Angsty fic writer owns nothin'.
Author's Note: This fic will mainly focus on how Kise's decision and struggles effect his parents, teammates, and Aomine. I can't say if there will be any romance of not, you'll just have to see. I'm also not out to make Kise look like a loony who belongs in some asylum. My goal is to write about how Kise's mental state effects those around him. Along with how Kise and others cope with it. I take mental illness very seriously and have first hand experience learning how one receives treatment as well as how it affects a family and friends. Other than that, if you like what you read then please do enjoy. (This also takes place around the time of interhigh)
There wasn't any certainty when it came to these thoughts. He's unsure when they arose, when they consumed him, and when he believed to act upon them. Because thoughts as always start as small soundbites until they gain an alarming volume. Not even Kise himself expected them to infect every fiber of his mind so quickly. It just grew, like an incurable disease within him.
His thoughts; they were destructive and terrifying. One's that kept him awake at night and paranoid throughout the day. Kise thought of them as an unwanted guest that always came crawling back, and each time he would let the unwanted guest in not matter how much he fought. His efforts were futile. The more he continued to fight they would only flood him with more toxic thoughts, slowly contaminating the very person he was.
Because as time wore on the more the blond became less of himself. He lost sight of this Kise Ryouta.
Every part of him was simply devoured by the constant desire to no longer exist...
xxxxxx
It's subtle at first but he begins to feel the rise and fall of his chest. Every successful intake of breath is heavy and laborious to carry out. Nevertheless his body continues the basic function no matter the difficulty. His body too resembles a massive weight. A weight which gives him the illusion of sinking. In addition to his body's state a dull ache surfaces in the pit of his stomach and his fragile mind feels torn to pieces. Everything hurts.
Is one suppose to feel so dire when he's met death?
Heavy eyelids open to welcome a bright light. It leaves him in a state of temporary blindness until he comes to. Apathetic honeys observe the room, taking in the objects that surround him as a clue to where he lies. There's no longer an absence of sound; he suddenly hears an obnoxious hum, subtle voices, and the presence of a heart monitor. In which the monitor carries a steady pattern.
Heart monitor..I'm...alive?
It begins to fluctuate at his initial thought. Filling his ears with the unpleasant sound of life. Burdening him with all his thoughts of failure and disdain.
Despite his heavy limbs Kise wills his body to move. He throws his torso up off the bed as he deals with the numbing ache in the process. A wire connects to his chest and multiple IV drips hangs from his arm. The heart monitor continues to fluctuate a midst his discoveries. In distress he rips the IV from his arm and the wire from his chest. Filling the room with the harmonious flat-line. With incredible stubbornness Kise heaves his legs off the edge of the bed in preparation for his escape.
Then the flat-line becomes drowned out by a plethora of scuffling shoes and voices. Among the many are his parents and the rest deem themselves as doctors and nurses.
"Ryouta, please return to bed!"
Many arms bombard his body, sending him into a position of inferiority, but his lethargic limbs act on sheer impulse. He fights against the many that usher him back into bed.
"No! Let me go! No-stop-!"His voice comes out hoarse yet packs the room with resistance."No!I'm not suppose to be here-I'm not-leave me alone!"By now the blond is yelling and fighting with every ounce of strength he has left."Stop it-!"
Not even the desperate cries of his mother coax him into cooperation.
Abruptly he's thrown off his feet and his back hits the hospital bed. All of his efforts are ceased when arms strap him to the bed. He yells and screams words of refusal yet no one complies, they only respond with a stronger grip. Somewhere between his screams and attempts to retaliate a sense of haziness overcomes him. The fight within him drains and the unpleasant pain he woke in simply dwindles. By the time Kise makes the realization that he's been drugged, his entire body succumbs to relaxation and he loses the fight.
xxxxxx
The next time Kise comes to he finds his wrists in restraints. This occasion he doesn't have the energy or means to fight against the hospital staff. His mind was previously in hysterics and now he felt lethargic, even numb. In spite of the reoccurring state he still uncomfortably shifts his wrists about in the restraints every so often. The hospital room is quiet, his parents nor the nurses are present, he's left alone with all his thoughts of destruction.
The general observation causes Kise to whip his head back against the pillow, his eyes clenching with tension, and fists balling.
Alone with his thoughts all over again, the very thing he was attempting to escape. He no longer wanted those very thoughts to weigh him down, to consume him, to endlessly keep him up at night. They were a nuisance, they still are. Even the simplest of daily tasks instigated those thoughts and hindered him with agony. All he desired was a complete absence of pain. Though his very plan to abolish such things failed.
As expected, every plan has its flaw. The flaw in his plan? He lived. Teeth clench at the very acknowledgement.
The door to his right opens and Kise wills the tension from his body in the prospect of a visitor. His mother appears from the doorway. At the conscious sight of her son the woman stops in her tracks. A feeble smile plays on her lips before she approaches the bed with caution.
"Ryouta..."She sits on the edge of the bed,"You're awake."His mother speaks in a soothing tone, the one she used on him as a child. Then she reaches out, running her delicate fingers through the blond hair before kissing his forehead. Even if his mother's gesture is done out of affection and warmth, her actions fail to comfort him, and perhaps they never reach him."Let me call the nurse. I'm sure it's alright to get these restraints removed."
After much persuasion the nurse removes the restraints. Once finished she informs them of the doctor's arrival shortly.
When the interloper leaves silence and tension smothers the room. Kise can read all of his mother's actions; she's hesitant to speak and afraid of acting out. Fearful of the possibility that she may worsen the damage already done.
"You look better today."She's forcing herself."Your father will also be by later."
Moments pass when he doesn't offer a response but soon enough words creep out of his mouth,"Why'd you do it?"Despite his courage to speak Kise is unable to look his mother in the eye,"Why-You and dad must have found me right?"
"Ryouta, please don't push yourself-"
"Why did you save me?!"His voice shakes and it goes coarse,"I wanted to die! Didn't you get that? Why didn't you let me..."Kise brings his hands to his face. The familiar sensation of tears sting his eyes,"Why didn't you let me die?!"
A pair of hands grip his wrists and they're pulled from the tear stricken face,"Your father and I had to help you! We couldn't let you leave us like that!"
"It doesn't matter what you think!"He snaps."That was my only way out. You took it from me!"Emotions well inside him like an ocean's tide. He finds it troublesome to keep his anger bottled up but he does. Without second thought Kise rips his wrists away. He flops onto his side and pulls the pillow over his head, reverting to his childish ways in order to block out everything in his vicinity. Like an endless stream his tears fall. He chokes back sobs and croaks out incoherent words of death and consistent pain.
When his mother attempts to reach out in comfort, tension rushes through Kise. Leaving the woman at a loss with her own child.
Kise feels suffocated by his very existence. Overwhelmed by the failure of his plans to flee life. Then he begins to despise himself more than he already does. Sobbing in front of his mother and confronted with the a strong lacking of self-worth. It rushes at him, tearing down his composure and reducing him to nothing but tears. He doesn't know what he can do to subside his thoughts, so he cries. At one moment he's unsure but Kise swears he heard his mother's cries mix with his own.
xxxxxx
Voices outside his hospital room speak in secrecy. The door muffles out the words of his parent's along with a stranger's. It fills Kise with paranoia. As it's only a matter of time before his parents face the boy they thought was their son once again. Though it's the stranger's voice that truly arouses concern. And just as he ponders if the stranger will be paying him a visit the door swings open. At the sound Kise conceals his swollen eyes with the fringe of his hair. There's a succession of footsteps until the visitor finally decides to announce their presence.
"I'm doctor Tanaka. It's a pleasure to meet you Kise."The man speaks in calming nature.
A pleasure? It's hardly one.
Words bustle in his mind but he has no intentions of speaking. Though he feels as if the man is hardly offended by his lack of speech. Beside the bed a chair squeaks against the linoleum floor. The corner of his vision finds that the chair is now occupied by Tanaka. On the man's lap is a collection of files along with a leather-bound notebook. Kise suddenly makes sense of who this doctor really is. A man who was sent in concern of his ailing mental status. The recollection makes him feel uneasy, uncomfortable, and under the spot. He digs his nails into the flesh of his palms, choosing pain over the discussion of his detestable thoughts.
Tanaka shifts in his seat,"I'm a doctor in this hospital to evaluate patients that aren't necessarily physically injured. I evaluate those that may need a different type of care. Of course I am in no way implying that when it comes to you. But please know, it's safe to talk to me, what we talk about will be kept between us. So keep in mind that I'm here to help you."
Kise offers no response. How can he consider a total stranger safe with all his thoughts that he's never shared before? They'll always remain in the cage of his mind.
"I see, well..."Tanaka doesn't seem bothered by the lack of cooperation."Speaking is ultimately up to you. I respect your choice either way but I'll be asking you some questions, it would be very helpful for me if you gave your thoughts on them."Another moment of silence fills the room,"I'd first like to ask you if you have trouble sleeping?...Perhaps you may feel tired most of the time?"
Still no response.
"Do you find it difficult to make it through each day? Are you having any troubles when it comes to finding something you enjoy?"
A single word sits in the back of his throat to all these questions; yes. They remind Kise of his days full of struggle before he wound up in the hospital. The kind of days he will have to keep living.
Unexpectedly, a sigh escapes Tanaka,"You tried to kill yourself-"Nails dig deeper into his palms at the statement. Even his swollen eyes widen at the man's bluntness."-are you afraid of facing life again because you came out alive? Do you still feel the need to take your life away?"
Kise begins to cringe at the sudden change of questions and he lowers his head in irritation. Then very slowly, he feels his heart start to beat wildly against his rib cage as Tanaka continues.
"Were you experiencing suicidal thoughts for a long period of time?"
Stop it.
"What made you act on them?"
Please..stop!
"Was it-"
"Shut up."Kise interjects, and when he goes to speak again anger rises in his voice."Shut up...shut up! Shut up!"His composure dwindles by the second,"You..you can't just come in here and expect me to tell you the things I felt! I-"He snaps his eyes shut attempting to lessen his tears,"-I couldn't do it anymore! You have no idea how hard it is to live with all this pain! I just wanted it to stop!...stop...it won't stop..."Kise chokes back sobs as he clutches his head in desperation, fighting the urge to scream and writhe about.
What a pitiful sight he must be.
"Is this the first time you've shared your feelings with someone, Kise?"Tanaka's voice is much calmer than before.
He can't respond, the struggle to hold back his sobs is too overwhelming. Despite that Kise gives a subtle nod of the head.
"It's okay to tell someone. You shouldn't feel inclined to keep everything to yourself."
But it's only thing Kise knows how to do. He's always kept his darkest thoughts caged in his mind, away from the world to see.
There's a long pause until Tanaka speaks again, almost in a meek manner,"I'm sorry to ask this question again but it's something I need to know, okay?"A deep breath,"I know it's only been a few days since you've come to hospital but...are you still experiencing suicidal thoughts?"
Kise feels his stomach flip. There's nothing more he would give to have the life sucked out of him, reducing him to nothing but an empty shell. He finds not one thing to live for, not even basketball. His voice shakes as the words feebly leave his mouth, and tears threaten to fall,"Yes..."
xxxxxx
The room is uneasy, it practically suffocates Kise. His parents have their full attention towards Tanaka as he speaks. Though he couldn't care less of what the man had to say. His mind feels ripped apart after their conversation hours ago.
"I've come to a conclusion and I believe it's in your son's best interest. There is a facility better equipped to handle his condition. Though it's a full time program for every person admitted, it would require your son to stay there for however long they find appropriate-"
His father interrupts,"Are you saying our son would technically be living there?"Kise can hear how unfavorable his father is over the matter.
"Yes, he would be a full time patient. Just as if he's staying in a hospital like this one. Though this facility offers a kind of care that if more centered toward's your son's needs. There's no doubt that the transition will be tough for all three of you but as I said before, I believe this is in your son's best interest."Tanaka presses.
His parents exchange glances but as they begin to provide their input Kise no longer has the interest to follow.
He doesn't care where they take him, all he desires is to fall asleep once again. As sleep will now be the only remedy for his pain.
This might be a bit slow in the beginning so bare with me. In future chapters Kise's reasons for suicide will be explored some more, I apologize if it feels a bit vague right now. Also, it won't be aokise right off the bat ;)