Goodbye Chapter 1, a csi: new york fanfic

A/N: So these season 5 spoilers have really gotten the muse working overtime. CAUTION: CONTAINS POSSIBLE SPOILERS...

And hey - PTB - I thought of this first, ya hear. I want a cut in the DL goodness :)

Hugs to eveninstarz14 - thanks for your help, Meg! :)

I can honestly say, you've been on my mind.

Since I woke up today, up today.

I look at your photograph all the time.

These memories come back to life,

And I don't mind.

I remember when we kissed,

I still feel it on my lips.

The time that you danced with me,

With no music playing.

If I remember those simple things,

I remember till I cry.

But the one thing I wish I could forget

A memory I want to forget,

Is goodbye

Miley Cyrus – Goodbye

Glancing around the lab, I expect to see him. I know he isn't here, but I do.

It's instincts and habit, I guess. I'm just so used to seeing him. I glance at his desk. Left in a pristine condition – nothing out of place – something that so isn't Danny. Everything is always in chaos.

But then again, he hasn't been himself. Not since that day I told him I loved him.

He didn't even tell me he was leaving. I guess I know what it feels like now, not to be told.

I sigh, and wave politely at Stella who's in trace now, who's frantically waving at me.

The joys of glass walls, right?

I open my drawer, and an envelope is resting on top of the usual suspects of my pens and bits and bobs.

Picking it up, I turn it over

Montana – in his messy capital letter style of writing. He's such a cop when it comes to his writing.

Well, I presume it's him – it could quite easily be Flack or Mac.

I can feel my heart take residence in my throat now. I can just see it being a break up letter.

I glance around the lab, and decide that now probably isn't the best time to open it.

I open my drawer to put it there for safekeeping, just as Mac comes into my office.

"You found it then?" he smiles

My eyes dart to the letter as my shaking hand holds it up "This?"

"Yeah, he wanted me to make sure you got it."

"Should I – do you – does he-"

"He says everything is explained in that letter,"

Nodding I glance down at the envelope, "Mac, could I –"

"Take all the time you want, Lindsay."

I smile at him, grab my jacket from the back of my chair and touch his arm lightly as walk past him. I'm making a habit of that, touching his arm.

I walk down the hallway, engrossed in just looking at the word Montana scrawled across the front. Slightly dreading what's inside of this "letter".

I finally reach the roof, and sit in a secluded point – where we've spent many break times, just us – gazing up at the stars, teasing each other, comforting each other when a case got too heavy, or just sitting, enjoying each other's company.

I brush the dust from "his" chair and sit down on it.

My thumb is posed underneath the envelope, ready to rip it open. I close my eyes, and take a deep breath.

I pull it out of the envelope and carefully unfold the piece of paper. Taking one last breath, I start to read.

Lindsay,

I bet you thought you were the only one that wasn't any good at goodbyes.

I owe you a huge explanation, I really do. But, right now, I can't. It's not that I don't want to, I do. I just don't know how to do that. I think I need to find the answers for myself before I even attempt to explain this mess to you.

I never, ever meant for any of this to happen, Lindsay. I hope you know that, I need you to know that. Just know that everything up until Ruben I meant – I meant it with my whole heart, and I still do. But now, well, things haven't been – well.

Let me start again – I'm not the Danny you fell in love with.

I'm working on being that person again though. Honest.

I just need to work some stuff out. Some? Who am I kidding – I have a lot to work out.

I'm just sorry that I can't be there for you. Because in all honesty Linds, I miss you. I miss my best friend, and it kills me, leaving like this...

Just so you know, Lindsay. I never, ever thought of you as a shallow, clingy girlfriend – never – not once. I should have told you that in the office that day.

But, really, I should have said a lot of things in that office but I didn't.

None of this is your fault – I'm not walking away from you, from us. Remember that. I guess I'm walking away from me, in a way.

You know what I thought about this morning, the time that you really wanted to dance in central park.

I glance up and blink back some tears while taking momentary comfort from the sunrays breaking through the thick cloud. I break off from reading to remember that day in the park, well that night. We'd had gone to see a Broadway show. He had hated every damn second – and so had I, in all honesty.

But I wasn't about to tell him that.

"Come on" she giggled as she tugged on his hand

"You know I'm humouring you, right?" he laughed as he flung her jacket over his shoulder and took her hand with his free hand.

"Dance with me" she smiled 5 minutes into the walk

"Um, Montana. There ain't any music"

"You don't need music to dance." She reasoned, "Why, you scared?" she grinned leaning up to kiss him

Danny laughed as he flung her jacket onto a nearby park bench, took her hand with one of his, and rested his other on the small of her back, pulling her close. "I can't believe you're getting me to dance."

"What," she smiled as she rested her small head against his strong chest "this on the list of things Danny Messer doesn't do?"

"Nah, I dance" he smiled as he kissed the top of her head, as they swayed together "that list needs revising anyway"

I smile as the memory makes me forget for a split second the disrepair our relationship is in right now. Looking back to the letter I begin to read again.

And how much I didn't want to.

Sighing, I roll my eyes. I should have seen that one coming.

But I'm glad I did. It was one in a lifetime thing, that – just you and me, lost in our own little world, like nothing else mattered.

What I'm trying to say is that I still want that – and I'm working to get that back. I screwed up, more than you probably know.

I know when you heard I had gone on "vacation" you probably, thought I had just gone, left.

Well, this isn't goodbye Linds; it's a see ya later.

As I read the last line, I just let the tears fall for a few minutes. I've held too many back to care anymore.

Wiping away the tears, I look at the letter one more time, and see a small "PTO" in the corner. I take a deep breath and turn the letter over.

Love, Danny x

It's so simple, so typical, so him. Well, what I expect he would be like.

I make my way back to the 35th floor, deciding I have taken enough time.

Clutching the letter close, I see Stella make her way across the lab towards me.

"You alright, kiddo? Mac said-"

"I'm fine" I smile genuinely.

After all - I know, it's "See you later" - it isn't goodbye.

R&R? it's much appreciated :)