Disclaimer: I don't own seaQuest or any of it's characters, places or
anything. I just write for fun and I don't' get any money. You think if I
made money doing this I'd ever leave the pc? g
Dedicated: To AT. I miss you and I know you would love the fact that I'm
re-releasing this for you. Love you.
Special thanks go to Shannon for betaing this for me, and to Holly for
repeatedly telling me how much she loved this. g And of course to Miss Mel,
just because I can g If I forgot anyone else, I'm sorry and just know I
appreciate you. :)
Rated: PG-13. Also, underage parenting. Don't read if that squicks you g
Archive: please ask me first g
*
Rain poured down in cascading waves, so thick that it was impossible to see more than a few feet beyond. Gray clouds boiled across the sky, crashing into each other and molding into different shapes, bringing more rain down onto the small group of people huddled together. Off to the side, a lone figure stood, standing out in sharp relief against the bright grass.
Rain dripped off the ends of his blond hair, soaking into his already saturated coat and running down his upturned face in rivulets. Blue eyes looked dully up at the stormy sky, blinking against the harsh onslaught of the rain. He held his small body stiffly, fairly screaming with the need for solitude and tensing up whenever he felt a presence behind him. Thankfully, his companions sensed his need and left him to his own internal musings. They had come for him after all. Had come because they had known he'd needed him. Like they knew he needed to be alone now.
Lucas Wolenczak kept his back to his friends, standing far enough away from them to be separate, but not far enough to lose the connection with them. He could still feel them behind him and the thought gave him comfort. He felt the rain pounding down on him, soaking into his clothes and causing them to his body. His blond hair was plastered to his head, his skin white and clammy from the almost freezing rain beating down on him. His body shook with barely controlled spasms as wave after wave of cold spread through him.
He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that in a minute or two one of the group would be dispatched to bring him in. To use force if necessary to make him take shelter, even if it was only under the cover of their flimsy umbrellas. But not now, now was _his_ time. His time to be alone. To think. To feel. To grieve. And maybe, maybe to begin letting go. Something he hadn't been able to do on his own.
Taking a few steps forward, Lucas sank to his knees and wearily stretched his arm out, placing his hand onto the cool stone in front of him. Shakily, he brought his other hand up to trace the edge of a photograph embedded in the stone, drawing it down to lightly run over a name engraved under the picture. Hot sobs threatened to pound out of him, seeking escape through his tightly clenched lips. Breathing shakily, Lucas forced them back, biting down against the wave of emotion that threatened to overwhelm him. He couldn't do this, not now, not with people watching. No matter how much they cared for him.
None of them had even known of his loss until a week ago, when a carelessly placed call from the cemetery's groundskeepers had been misdirected to Captain Bridger. Lucas could still remember the look of shock that had been on Bridger's face when the man had come to see him. Could still see the shared grief in the older man's dark eyes as he had passed the call onto Lucas. The teenager had known at that moment that the world he had built for himself, the world he had _re-built_ had been irrevocably changed. Now someone knew, someone had the power to hurt him in the worst way possible, and once again, he was powerless to stop it.
Bridger hadn't hurt him though. The older man had sat down with him and talked. Talked about what it had been like to lose his family, to lose his son and then his wife to things he couldn't control. Lucas had listened, knowing intimately what the captain had gone through, what the older man continued to go through. It was through that shared knowledge, through that shared pain, that Lucas had been able to open up, even just a crack, and share some of his own pain. How he himself had felt when his own life had died. The moment he had walked into the small bedroom and found his daughter, lying small and cold in her crib, had changed his life forever.
She hadn't even been a year old yet, only two weeks left until her first birthday. The doctors had chalked her death up to sudden infant death syndrome; unusual in the day and age, but not completely unheard of. Lucas had felt his own heart freeze over when they had pronounced her DOA, felt it shut down a little at a time until all that was left was the hole in his chest where a heart had once laid beating.
The succeeding days had been a blur of pain and confusion. He'd never been able to remember those days clearly; even her funeral was nothing but a hazy memory locked away in the farthest corner of his mind. He had been kept sedated for most of that time, drifting in and out of coherency for the next two weeks while his parents decided how best to handle him. They wouldn't let him talk about her, or even mention her name in their presence, and because of that he'd never been able to say good-bye to her.
He'd drifted for months, unable to focus on anything, not even his schoolwork. Stanford had quickly become concerned with his lack of concentration and had reported it to his parents. Rather then deal with it, his father had made arrangements for Lucas to be transferred to seaQuest, effectively ridding _himself_ of the problem. Neither one of them had bothered to call and check up on him. He'd never been anything but an embarrassment to them since she had been born. She had been dead a year when the cemetery had called, asking about billing, and as far as Lucas knew, he was the only one who still remembered her.
All of this Lucas shared with the captain, in the space of a few minutes, drawing on hidden reserves to get him through the telling without breaking down. It had been silent when the words had stopped, the sudden quiet welling up around them ominously. Lucas had taken solace in the silence, relishing what he had thought would be his last moments of peace with Bridger.
Bridger had surprised him though. Instead of condemning him for what he had done, Bridger had grieved _with_ him over his loss, understanding only as another parent who had lost a child could. It had been Bridger's idea to come here today. To hold a small ceremony for the crew who had never met the little girl, and for Lucas to finally begin saying good bye to her as he had been denied the right to in the past.
The rain continued to pelt down, pounding relentlessly against the ground, and still Lucas knelt there, his hand still lightly tracing the name on the small gravestone. Lily Marie Wolenczak. Her bright, smiling face shining from the picture mounted above her name the only reminder of what she had been. The only living link between the world and the memories that constantly ran through her father's mind. The dates scrawled beneath her name giving credence to the fact that hers had been a life cut short before it had even begun.
Lucas sat back on his heels and allowed himself to remember her as she had been, as he had been unable to remember for the past year. Her life had begun in tragedy, her sudden birth killing her mother almost before she had been fully born. An event almost unheard of in the age of modern medicine. The doctors had said that Mary's heart had simply given out from the strain, a heart murmur from childhood cutting her life short before she had even been able to see her daughter's face.
There he had been, alone, a father at fourteen and not having a clue as to what to do. Lily hadn't cared though. She'd accepted him for who he was, as no one else had before or would again until he'd boarded the seaQuest. She hadn't minded that he had been floundering through most of her babyhood, even resorting to taping her diapers shut for a while until he had figured them out. She had simply smiled and forgiven him every trespass and stupid blunder.
The little girl had never known that her own grandparents from both sides of the family viewed her as nothing more than a nuisance. One that could hopefully remain hidden away for as long as possible. Lucas had endured the silent disapproval from the family, the constant snipes at him, and disapproving looks. All for her. He'd never been ashamed of her and she had known that. She had loved him with her whole heart and he had reciprocated without question. And then she was gone. The only light in an otherwise gray world suddenly snuffed out by fate, or circumstance.
He had barely lived after that, merely existing from day to day until the caring people on board the seaQuest had made an effort to draw him out. Even then, even after they had shown him time and again that they were truly his friends, he had still kept silent about Lily. Not knowing at first how to bring her up, and then not knowing what the reaction would be if he did. Bridger finding out the way he had had been a blessing in disguise. The burden had ceased being one he carried alone, to one he shared with his friend. Bridger had helped give him the courage to tell the others and the burden had become even more of a shared thing. They had accepted the truth and had not turned away from him as he had expected them to. Instead, they had shown him how much he truly had come to mean to them. He was the reason they were all here, standing silently in the rain, shielded only by thick coats and a few shared umbrellas. None of them had ever met Lily, but each grieved for the little girl...and for her father.
They watched as Lucas sank down next to the tiny headstone, his grief almost palpable in the near frigid air. Sensing his need for solitude, they hung back, giving him the space he needed to say good bye.
Lucas sat quietly, the memories running through his mind one by one, seeming to take forever to pass, but in reality taking only a few precious moments. He caressed the stone one more time, his hand lovingly tracing her name and picture one more time.
"I'm sorry baby," he finally said softly, grief thick in his tone, "I'm so sorry." His voice broke with the last word and hot tears poured down his cheeks. The first tears he had cried since finding her in the crib over a year ago. His body shook with the sobs as the fragile hold on his cascading emotions gradually broke and they came flooding out.
"I never meant for this to happen and I am so, so sorry," he pushed out the hot ball in his chest making it hard for him to breath. Unknowingly he let a loud cry escape his lips as the last of his control gave way and he brought his forehead to rest against the cool stone before him.
A hand caressed his shoulder, gently squeezing as Lucas felt someone kneel down next to him. A strong arm wrapped itself around his shoulder and Lucas allowed himself to be pulled close to sheltering warmth of the other person. Bridger brought his other arm around and clasped Lucas in a gentle hug and squeezing tightly. Lucas laid his head against Bridger's shoulder and let his tears fall freely, finally starting to release him from the grief that he had bottled up for more than a year.
Rubbing the boy's back, Bridger began to rock almost imperceptibly, his own clothes quickly becoming soaked in the rain. He didn't care, his whole attention centered on the grieving child he held.
"It's okay pal," he whispered soothingly into Lucas hair, "just let it all out. It's okay to let it go. She would want you to be happy." He felt Lucas shudder as another violent sob ran through the boy. Lucas reached his arms around and squeezed Bridger tightly, his small hands tangling in the material of Bridger's heavy overcoat, the knuckles turning white as he gripped it tightly.
"I miss her," he sobbed out harshly, his throat raw. Bridger nodded and held him tighter.
"I know pal, I know. I know it hurts and I know how much you miss her. Just hold onto the happy times you had with her and remember her the way she was. It's okay to miss her," Bridger said calling upon his own grief of his deceased family. He knew that he couldn't make Lucas' pain go away. The pain never really went away, it just _seemed_ to fade with time until all that was left was an emptiness where the pain had been.
It was still too soon for Lucas to hear that though. The pain was still raw and new, compounded with the fact that the boy had never been allowed to really grieve thanks to the shortsightedness of the adults around him. They had just wanted the "problem" gone, and never mind what their actions left behind. Never mind that they had almost buried Lucas in more emotion than a person had a right to bear alone. The boy had been slowly dying inside and none of them had cared.
As he knelt there in the rain, the cool wetness cascading around him in droves, Bridger was grateful for the blunders of the cemetery staff. Without their confusion when they had called, asking for the person in charge instead of Lucas himself, Bridger might never have found out the truth and Lucas would have went on carrying the grief alone. There was no doubt in his mind that it would have slowly buried the boy until nothing was salvageable and Lucas would have simply given up.
The boy continued to cling to him tightly, the sobs shaking his body slowly dying until only the occasional shudder remained in the aftermath. Lucas leaned tiredly against the captain, too tired to be embarrassed about showing his need to be comforted. He was too open and bleeding to pull away from offered comfort, and thankfully, Bridger was only too happy to hold him.
Bridger felt rather then heard someone coming up behind them, and he looked over his shoulder to see Kristin standing near them, holding tightly onto an umbrella and gazing at the scene before her. Silent tears ran down her face, which she hurried to brush away before anyone, specifically Lucas, saw. This day was about Lucas; not them and she wanted to make sure the focus remained on _him_.
Nodding at her silent suggestion, Bridger forced himself to his feet, almost having to drag Lucas up with him.
"Come on kiddo," he said gently, "I think it's time to go home. You promised to show me those videos you have of Lily, remember?" Bridger stressed the last part, trying to get it through to Lucas that, just because they had to leave, didn't mean Lily would be forgotten. No matter once, the little girl would no longer have to be a hidden part of her father's life.
"Yeah," Lucas answered quietly still leaning heavily against Bridger as the older man led him to the relative shelter of Kristin's umbrella. "Let's go home," he finished quietly. It was time to come in out of the rain.
The End