I see Connie arrive from across the car park and we quickly move out of sight. A young man comes running past her.
"Late!" He yells, looking back at her. "Second shift. I'll apologize later!"
He must be the new F1 – I've heard about him on the grapevine. Apparently, Connie wasn't very impressed with him.
"Well, thank goodness, it's not your mother this time!" She retorts dryly.
The F1 runs back to her – apologizing profusely. "Oh, about that, Mrs Beauchamp – a 1,000 million sorries..."
"Are you late?" she remarks – reminding him of the rush he was in just a few moments earlier.
"I will be in one minute." He tells her brightly, checking his wristwatch.
"Keep running." She answers pointedly as he charges into the ED – almost knocking over everyone he meets.
Grace and I follow Connie at a safe distance, pulling our base ball caps down.
"I still don't get why we have to do this!" She grumbles at me.
"Shh" I respond, pulling her down into a seat near enough Connie's office to get a good view. I pull a folded newspaper out of my back pocket and open it up in front of us to fuhrer hide our faces.
Grace looks less than impressed. "Seriously, Dad? - a newspaper? That is so not you!" She whispers behind it.
I peer over and see that Ethan is in Connie's office – looking shifty. Connie arrives at the door and looks at him for an explanation.
"Someone knows!" I hear him hiss at her.
"About?" I see through the window that he is holding out some kind of note for her to read. I can't see what's on it myself, but Connie looks worried. She goes into the office and closes the door. I can't hear any more, but I can see through the window that they're deep in discussion as she takes her coat off. I can't help noticing that she looks thinner than the last time we saw her, and she looks tired – weary.
After she sits down in her chair, Ethan's mood seems to change slightly. I can tell from their expressions, that she seems indifferent about something – and he doesn't understand why. She suddenly seems to lose patience with him and throws her hands up, but Charlie chooses that moment to walk past and I have to duck to avoid being seen. He knocks on her office door and she admits him into her office without really looking up.
"Yes, Charlie?"
Charlie goes in to announce the gunshot patient that's on it's way in. Connie picks up her stethoscope as he leaves. She closes her eyes for a minute as she turns in her chair.
"I'll go and prepare resus." Ethan tells her.
"Yeah...you do that" Connie murmurs in agreement – still with her eyes closed. I can't be certain, but it looks like she's struggling to get up.
Grace and I both duck down again as Connie walks past us. I shake my head at Grace as she looks at me hopefully, and mouth 'not yet'. She sighs.
Connie directs the paramedics to a bed in resus. I fold up the newspaper and we follow, pulling our caps down. We find a new place to sit outside resus and resume our position behind the newspaper as they go in.
"Absent breath on the right – sorry, left side..." I hear Connie say – strange. She doesn't normally make mistakes like that. The doors to resus are useful – they swing as people go in and out...and my ears are keen.
"Do you really think you should be doing this?" Ethan whispers and my interest is caught, so I turn around. Connie is examining the gunshot patient for an exit wound and she has her back to us.
"As the most competent consultant in the hospital – yes, I do." Whatever she thinks, Connie Beauchamp's ego is definitely as big as mine.
"I don't think you're fit to practise." Ethan whispers again. Ethan Hardy is playing a dangerous game and I'm more than a little surprised that Connie is allowing him to speak to her like that. If I'm honest, she's allowing his to speak to her the way I do. I thought she reserved that tone especially for me and I can't help feeling a little bit of jealously for the younger man – but Ethan clearly knows something I don't.
"Oh, well, it's a little bit late for medical ethics." She responds icily – suggesting that she too knows something about him that I'm not a party to. She suddenly gasps and crouches down, gripping the edge of the bed – as though she's in pain and can't quite breathe normally – and it makes me wonder whether Ethan is right to question her capability at the moment.
Ethan tries a gentler approach and I hear him whisper, "You're not well, Mrs Beauchamp." as Charlie appears next to him with the equipment she asked for.
It's not clear whether Charlie heard Ethan, or not, but Connie is still crouched in an unusual position by the bed – still gripping the edge for support and the last thing I hear before the doors shut properly is Charlie's voice. "Connie, are you alright?"
I see her stand up again and make the assumption that she's told him she's 'fine' as she usually does – because he gives her an unconvinced look before handing her the implement she asked for. She's not fine, but Connie Beauchamp doesn't do anything other than 'fine'. Connie seems to have taken Ethan's words on board though, because when she takes the implement off Charlie, she immediately hands it to Ethan. Charlie gives her a concerned look as she turns her back on them and struts out off resus pulling her gloves off. She's accepted defeat for once.
We have to duck down again as she sits down opposite us – not that I think she'd notice us anyway. She seems completely lost in her own world at the moment. I press my finger firmly to my lips to tell Grace that no matter how much she wants to run over and hug her Mum – she can't. Not Yet. There's an elephant in the room – and I need to find out what it is.
Grace is clearly finding it hard being so near her Mum when she looks so sad - and not being able to comfort her – or even tell her we're there. She's getting fed up with playing hide and seek, but it's necessary.
I don't know how long Connie sits there for, but eventually, Robyn comes out of the resus side bay.
She looks surprised to see Connie sat there and hesitates slightly. "Erm...Mrs Beauchamp?"
"Yeah..." I hear Connie answer reluctantly and she slowly gets up to follow Robyn into the side bay. Unlike in the main resus, Robyn shuts the door properly behind them, so I can't hear anything – and from our position, I can't really see into the side bay either. All we can do for now is wait.
The door opens again and I hear Robyn as they come out. "Sorry, Mrs Beauchamp – are we not going to call her GP?"
"Why?" Connie responds vaguely. There is definitely something playing on her mind and she isn't totally focused.
"Well, her wrists – aren't we going to get involved?" Robyn presses her.
"It's clearly a historic and possibly self-inflicted injury that bears no relevance to today's injury." Connie states, matter-of-fact. "We don't investigate every patient."
"It'd be nice if we could though." Robyn suggests.
"Well, give her a leaflet." Connie responds and Robyn looks slightly put-out by her cold answer.
Connie walks off and, unfortunately, Charlie and Ethan choose this moment to stand in front of us to have a discussion about the gunshot patient, so following Connie is impossible, without us being noticed. We hear the patient from the side bay being taken away and brought back again – presumably to have a scan. As Charlie and Ethan finally exhaust their conversation and depart, Connie reappears and goes back into the side bay.
"Right, let's get her transferred to cubicles, once her wrist is x-rayed." I hear her tell Robyn when she comes back out.
"Yeah...the guys found her phone in the back of the ambulance." Robyn answers, pointing to it.
Connie picks it up, looking thoughtfully towards the side bay. "Let's chase up her records." She murmurs, clearly concerned about her patient.
"Sure." Robyn answers.
Connie sees Robyn smiling at her and snaps out of her maternally charged trance. "What?" She retorts to the smiling nurse.
Robyn beams. "You're getting involved." Connie looks surprised and possibly a bit touched by Robyn's obvious delight at the slight softening of her boss's usually hard-shelled demeanour.
This time we are able to follow Connie back to her office and luckily our previous seats are free.
"Dad – there are police officers everywhere! We are going to get done for stalking in a minute!" Grace hisses as we sit behind our newspaper again.
"Shush." I answer and she lets out an annoyed sigh.
"We're going to get arrested for stalking Mum!" She mutters irritably.
I ignore her. I'm much to concerned about Connie at the moment to be worried about the possibility of being arrested for 'stalking' her. I can see her sat bent over her desk and she doesn't look well at all. Eventually, she goes to get up – but appears to be having trouble again and then Robyn knocks on her door, so she temporarily gives up the attempt.
"I checked Ocean Reynold's previous attendance's..."
Ocean?! Seriously?
"What kind of a name is that?" Grace mutters to me, matching my thoughts exactly.
"Yeah, go on..." Connie eventually answers – though it seems to take her rather a long time.
"There's nothing – not under that name." Ethan walks past and we hide our faces again. "Are you ok?" I hear Robyn hesitantly ask Connie. I peer over again. Connie looks as though she's going to pass out, but she doesn't.
"I'm fine." She mutters firmly in response to Robyn's question. She nods at her to leave. "Thank you, Staff nurse Miller." She's clearly not fine, but Robyn leaves – seemingly satisfied that her boss is just having a bad day.
Ethan goes into the office. "You don't look 'fine'." He retorts before closing the door. He seems to be having a go at her about something – probably the fact that obviously trying to pretend that whatever's going on with her – isn't. His words from earlier reverberate around my head.
'I don't think you're fit to practise...You're not well, Mrs Beauchamp...Do you really think you should be doing this?...'
They seem to be having a heated discussion about something, but Grace stands up, blocking them from my view. She pulls her cap down and pulls at my arm. "Come on, Dad – we have to go for lunch before Mum does – and I'm starving!" She whispers. I nod and off we go to the canteen. Grace still looks pretty fed-up of the hiding, but at least she seems to understand why we're doing it now.
We narrowly avoid being recognised in the lunch queue – and by by the canteen staff serving us, but somehow we get away with it and sit at a back table, out of the way.
"What's wrong with her?" Grace whispers, sounding concerned. "I know she said she's fine, but she obviously not – and other people are noticing it too – not just Charlie."
"I don't know, sweetheart – but now do you understand why we're doing this? If she won't tell Charlie what's wrong, she certainly won't tell us – especially over the phone. You know what she's like – she thinks she's 'wonder woman' and can handle everything by herself."
Grace nods. "Well, at least Ethan is giving her a talking to – he seems to know something."
"Yes." I agree. "Hopefully, he can get through to her – or maybe we can later."
Grace shuffles in her seat slightly. "Dad...we're not going to just...go – are we? We are going to see Mum – tell her we're here?"
"Yes – we'll catch her at the end of her shift, darling – I promise." I answer reassuringly. "I just need to see a bit more first, ok?"
We are almost seen again in the corridor outside the canteen on our way out – by Connie herself and Ethan on their way to lunch, but just as she's about to spot us, Connie grabs the wall and leans against it, trying to catch her breath.
It's all Grace and I can do to stop ourselves from reaching out for her, but Ethan automatically puts his arm out to steady her. "Easy."
"I'm fine." She hisses, pushing his arm away.
He sighs. "Mrs Beauchamp..."
"No." She mutters in a firm voice. "I told you before, Ethan – I'm going to do this my own way. I won't let it take over...I need to work." She adds in a strained voice – through gritted teeth. "It's the only thing I have left."
"You know she didn't mean it like that." I whisper to Grace after they go into the canteen. It's not what Connie meant, but I'm aware that it might sound to Grace as if her Mum doesn't think she matters.
"I know exactly how she means it, Dad." Grace answers rudely, shaking my arm off. "We moved to America without properly saying 'goodbye'. Mum thinks that we don't really want her...Surely you can see that?" She adds to me in a slightly accusing voice.
I don't know what to say. Gracie's sharp and painfully truthful answer has taken me by surprise. It was a very grown-up response and I didn't realise she saw it like that. I cruelly told her that it had been her Mum's idea for Grace to live with me in America and she still believes that – she never once questioned me over it, though from time to time, my guilty conscience makes me wish that she had. But rather than seeing it as rejection from her Mother, as I had initially intended, she sees it as a huge sacrifice on Connie's behalf to make her daughter happy.
I was wrong to take her like that. There is no excuse for my behaviour. I acted immaturely and spitefully towards the woman I love - and I do love her, but a few months ago, I was childishly angry at her for continually pretending that she didn't want me – didn't love me, when I knew she did, and I was stupidly smug because Grace had chosen to continue living with me rather than going back to her Mum, as Connie had hoped for. I made a reckless decision out of bitterness, just to get back at Connie.
I was brutal and it makes me wonder whether Connie is the better parent after all.