The challenge was:
- Someone must say, in these exact words, "I've split my pants, look!"
- Someone must also say: "Cheese is often found where you least expect it."
- There must be a hyperactive seal looking for ants.
- At least one reference to X-Files.
- The word "ubiquitous" must be used 5 times.
- 4 or more jokes about General Hammond's bald head.
PART ONE: THE BEGINNING
As you close your office door behind you, you sigh an enormous sigh. Things are getting a little too silly in the SGC. Everywhere you look people are examining their reflections in shiny surfaces, and practising stupid poses. You walk over to your desk and lower yourself into your comfy chair. Your office is a safe-haven from the insanity elsewhere in the complex, at least for now...
Suddenly the office door springs open. Who would have the audacity to walk into the base commander's office without knocking? Hordes of people pour into the room, heavily laden with all sorts of equipment. Somehow you knew you wouldn't be able to keep them out for long. It's time to face the music. "I hope this isn't going to take long, son," you snap at the man in charge.
"No Sir, we just need a short introduction, and then we'll leave you in peace."
The people quickly move around, setting up cameras and lights.
The man with a hamster on a stick shuffles into the corner, nearly hitting you on the head. Awkwardly, he apologises, "Ooops, sorry, at least it would have slid right off. I mean, no danger of it getting caught in any..." He trails off when he sees how you're glaring at him. "Um, yeah, what was I doing?"
You pick up the papers on your desk and pretend to read them. You wish they'd all go away. Ever since you heard that the docu-soap crew would be arriving, you'd been filled with dread. It makes no sense - who is going to be able to watch a fly on the wall documentary about a top-secret airbase? Colonel O'Neill would say that it's all very well making one, but you'd have to shoot anyone who watched it. Maybe the President is getting you back for something, maybe this is his idea of revenge. Whatever the reason, you're going to have to put up with days of continual disruption.
The director gestures at a woman, who rushes forward and starts powdering your head. You splutter, he sees your distress.
"Sorry, General, it's just we were getting some glare off of your head." He shrugs and smirks in a really annoying manner. Boy, you'd love to shave all his hair off and see how funny HE finds being follically challenged! Fuming, you put up with the indignity, and soldier on. That is, until he makes his next suggestion.
"General, I don't suppose you'd consider wearing this toupe, would you? The President was thinking..." He pauses when he sees you're about to explode. "I mean, a younger image..." Floundering, he tosses the wig to someone standing behind him. "Forget the wig, you look great. Um..."
After the initial annoyance, you start to feel you're in control of the situation. It doesn't take long to get the intro done and they file out of your inner sanctum rather hurriedly. You get the niggling feeling that you scared them.
PART TWO: BALANCING THINGS
You spend a few minutes sitting at your desk, but you're bored. No-one seems to be bringing you anything to read or sign. What are you supposed to do if there's nothing to read or sign? You like signing things. Signing things is good. You thought about getting one of those rubber stamps instead of signing the old fashioned way with a pen, but then you thought that'd take all the fun out of it.
Picking up your clipboard (in a futile attempt to look like you're doing something official), you leave your office and start to prowl the SGC. You're sure SG-1 must be somewhere, and where they are things are always interesting. They seem to be surrounded by some sort of vortex of weirdness.
Strolling round the base you hear raucous laughing. Bursting into the room, you try to act annoyed, like you went in to shut them up. You were right, SG-1 are the culprits. Teal'c appears to be doing handstands balancing on top of a pyramid of furniture. And the camera crew is filming every second of it! What a strange sight. As soon as he sees you he panics, and overbalances. Waving his arms wildly, he causes the pyramid to collapse with an almighty crash, leaving Carter, Jackson and O'Neill bent double, roaring with laughter. As the dust settles, Teal'c emerges looking rather befuddled.
Walking over to the other team members, he whispers, "I've split my pants, look!".
Carter covers her face with her hands, trying to smother her giggling. She can see that Teal'c is upset, it's not fair to laugh at him. He's so upset that he used a contraction whilst talking. Carter is struggling not to laugh; you're finding it difficult to keep a straight face yourself. "Team, I'm afraid this has gone too far. I don't want my facility branded as a lunatic asylum!"
Colonel O'Neill nods, "I agree Sir, they seem to be kinda ubiquitous."
You look at Jack strangely, and Carter leans over to whisper an explanation. "As soon as he heard the film crew were coming he decided to expand his vocabulary."
Turning to the film crew you shout at them, "I want to speak to your director, NOW!".
Jack shrugs, "Daniel showed him the recipes for some of his favourite coffee blends. We haven't seen him for hours."
PART THREE: SEALED WITH A KISS
Some time later, you confront the director in your office. "This isn't working, son. Unless you can think of a solution to this, I'm afraid you're going to have to stop filming."
The man rests his elbows on your desk, and joins his fingers together. He taps his nose with them, in a provocative manner. "I think I have a solution, Sir..."
After signing some documents, practising various signatures, and even adding a few kisses on one of them, you're bored again. What WAS that director's idea? You walk out into the corridor, and listen. It's strangely quiet. Your footsteps echo as you stride towards the room where SG-1 like to hang out. It wouldn't hurt to make sure they're being sensible.
Coming to the door, you pause and take a deep breath before entering. You turn the door handle and walk in; nothing prepares you for the sight that greets you. It's a hyperactive seal, with a camera strapped to its head! As soon as the door's open it rushes out, obviously looking for something. Bemused, you turn to SG-1 in the hope of getting a sensible explanation.
"What's going on here?" you ask.
Carter steps forward, "It seems to be some sort of a Camera Seal, Sir. I'm theorising that..."
O'Neill interrupts, "For crying out loud, it's obviously a seal, and it obviously has a camera strapped to its head. The important thing to note about that seal is that it's ubiquitous!"
Glancing at Teal'c, you're inspired to change the conversation's direction. "Good to see you managed to get some more pants. Glad to see someone's being sensible."
"Indeed, General Hammond, these are excellent pants. Once my people are free, I hope they will all be able to enjoy such excellent pants."
It was too much to hope that anyone in this place would be even vaguely like their normal self.
Jackson sees your discomfort, and offers you a lifeline. "General, the director thought that a camera seal would be...less disruptive than a camera crew."
"Anyone know what it's looking for?"
"Whatever it's looking for, it's in a hurry to find it."
"Would anyone like to explain how a hyperactive seal is supposed to film a serious documentary?"
All the team members look at their feet, afraid to look at you directly in case you pick on them to answer the question. Slowly, Jack raises his hand. "Sir, I think they're a good choice because they're ubiquitous."
Teal'c raises his eyebrow questioningly. "O'Neill, you keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
There is silence for a moment. O'Neill stares at Teal'c, frowning. "Sure I do. It means everywhere at once, right?" He turns to Daniel. "Right?!?"
Placatingly Daniel agrees, "Sure, that's what it means."
Teal'c gestures at the now seal-less doorway, "I do not see how a seal can be ubiquitous. It is impossible for a seal to occupy more than one location at the same time."
Daniel tries to explain, "Well, obviously it doesn't literally occupy more than one area at a time, I think he's trying to emphasise the hyperactive nature of the seal."
This conversation is certainly not why you left your office. You long for something to sign. Perhaps you should ask SG-1 to write some reports. That'd keep them out of mischief for a while. And it'd give you something to sign.
PART FOUR: ER
Sitting in your office once more, you await SG-1's reports. Carter always crams hers with technical data, Teal'c's are extremely brief, O'Neill's are filled with terrible grammatical mistakes and Jackson's tend to be full of irrelevant archaeological journal references. But you don't have to read them, you just have to sign them. And signing is good.
It doesn't take long for the boredom to set in. You really don't know why you bother coming back to your office. It's always dull. Maybe you should get some of those executive desk toys in. Or a basketball hoop to fit over the wastepaper basket.
Once more you leave your office. You've had enough madness for one day, so you decide to visit Dr. Fraiser. She's bending over a patient, and appears to be operating, but she isn't in a sterile environment! Now that's something you can complain about. You hurry over, but falter when you see the camera seal. Maybe things are not as they seem.
Dr. Fraiser peers at you over the top of her mask, "General, could you hold this for me?"
Holding the surgical instrument, you keep the wound open as she reaches for some tweezers. Now you're up close you can see it's not a real incision. It's a prosthetic, and every now and again the airman giggles as she tickles him. "Doctor, you ARE aware that this is not a sterile environment?"
Nodding, she reaches inside the wound, and pulls out something. Something yellow. "Cheese is often found where you least expect it." She starts to laugh hysterically, as does the airman.
You can't believe you came here for peace and quiet and you found THIS! You turn to try and confiscate the seal's film, but it seems to have disappeared. You can only hope it left before Dr. Fraiser got too silly...
PART FIVE: SHINE, SHINE LIKE A STAR
You can't take it anymore. All you want is some peace and quiet. Everywhere you go the stupid seal seems to be following. Looks like it really is ubiquitous!
Stumbling into your office you slam the door shut. Something's not right. You're not alone. Turning, you see SG-1 is standing in your office. And they're wearing pink stretchy plastic things on their heads. With horror, you realise they're trying to imitate you! They even have cushions stuffed inside their shirts! And what's more, the seal appears to have sneaked in before you got the door shut!
With one voice, they chorus, "Son, you'd better have a real good explanation for this!" Before laughing uncontrollably. You have the awful feeling you've been set up. You should have them court-martialled for wearing those things on their heads. Impersonating a superior officer is a serious offence.
Trying to think how to respond to such effrontery, you waggle your finger at Colonel O'Neill. "Son, you'd better have a real good explanation for this!"
Gradually the laughter subsides. Once they've pulled themselves together, they agree to explain what's been going on.
Taking the lead, Jack shouts, "April Fool, Sir!"
"Colonel, last time I looked at a calendar, it wasn't April."
"Yeah, Sir, but with a joke THIS good we couldn't wait!"
A court-martial is definitely needed. Think of all the paperwork that would accompany a court-martial!
Thinking that all they're responsible for is the bald head thing, you walk over to your desk. Worse is to come.
PART SIX: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE
Carter pulls out your chair for you. She seems to be nervous. "Sir, there's more. Haven't you been wondering why a docu-soap was being filmed in a top-secret facility?"
"Major, the thought had crossed my mind."
Teal'c takes a step forward. "I am afraid we are responsible, General Hammond."
Carter adds, "The truth is out there, Sir."
Jack pipes up, "Trust no-one."
"Deny everything."
"El aaniigoo ahoot e."
"Apology is policy."
"Everything dies."
"Deceive, inveigle, obfuscate."
"E pure si muove."
"Resist or serve."
Jacks pauses for a few moments before giving up on this pointless piece of repartee. "What we're trying to say is that we're responsible for the film crew."
Hardly able to believe your ears, your pent-up annoyance bursts out. "WHAT?!?"
"We commissioned the docu-soap. We thought it'd be funny." He turns to Jackson. "It is funny, right?"
"Erm, yeah, really funny Jack," he replies.
You suspect this was all Jack's idea. He seems rather more convinced of its hilarity than the others.
"Bet that seal was really starting to freak you out," he grins.
"Colonel, nothing would please me more than to see that seal OUT OF MY AIRBASE!"
"That'd be a yes. Sweet. The ubiquitous nature of the seal is all down to Major Carter here." He pulls Sam forward, pushing her towards you.
"Er, yes, Sir. You see, we knew that these seals love ants."
"Ants?" you ask.
"Yes, Sir. Ants. And so we filled your pockets with ants, and made little holes so that everywhere you go you're leaving a trail of ants."
Looking down at the floor you see she's right. There are little ants marching across the carpet. On the receiving end, the seal is happily sniffling around.
"I'm not happy about this," you mutter.
"No, Sir," Carter answers, "We're sorry if we caused you any discomfort. We wanted to make it seem like a really bad Sci-fi show so that we could sell it in aid of charity."
"Charity?"
"The PSLF. Pinnipedia and Sirenia Liberation Front. Seals, sea lions, walruses, manatees, dugongs..."
"You put me through all this for the sake of some SLIPPERY MAMMALS?!?"
"Sir, they're really desert creatures." She sighs. "It'll take too long to explain." Her face brightens as she reaches into her pocket. "Perhaps you'd like to sign this petition?"
Sign a petition? SIGN a petition? Would you ever! Signing is good...
THE END