-1My fingers impatiently tapped against my leg as I waited for this torture to be over. The shrill screams of girls willing to throw away all of their dignity scraped my ears and I gritted my teeth. The sky was darkening and a pleasant breeze sprang up. Once more I glanced at Hogwarts. How much more torture would I be submitted to?
The object of my torture, Sirius Black, was zooming around on a broomstick. I know, incredibly exciting, right? What could beat watching a guy on a broomstick? Well, I know there are Quidditch fans, but I have not, nor will I ever, like Quidditch. To me, Quidditch was like any other sport; I've seen it once, and it wasn't anything special. Sure it was at first but then the novelty wore off. So if I hated Quidditch so much, why was I willing to sacrifice my precious time watching a guy I didn't even like fly around on a broomstick?
Simple, I wanted friends. Don't get me wrong, I didn't think the giggling girls ogling Sirius were my friends. I wasn't that naïve. At the very least they'd be people I could chat with. By chatting I mean giggling, "Sirius is so hot!" or something like that. It kills me a little inside, but if that's what it takes for me to get friends, then so be it. Yes, I'm aware of how shallow it is and I hate it when girls do that. I mean, it's such a cliché. The girl starts out shy and sweet and usually likes this popular jerk. She gets sick of being invisible so she changes her image and becomes someone she's not. Then the guy notices her, but he's a jerk….blah, blah, blah…..do I really need to go on? No? Good.
I guess I kind of fit that mold. I'm shy, always hang my down, prefer books to human contact, smart, my looks are average-fine, I'm the stereotypical shy girl from the movies. But I'm different! Do you see me being someone I'm not? Do you? The Sirius watching doesn't count. It's not like I've started babbling about how hot he was and obsessing over my appearance. Mostly I just nod and say, "Uh-huh," a lot. Truth be told I doubted those girls would notice if I was there or not. So then why was I there? Feeling highly stupid I sprang up and stalked to the castle. I had just wasted half an hour of my life to watch some boy. Granted, it was my fault; no one was forcing me to stay.
The thing is, I've never been uncomfortable with my shyness. There were a few times I felt lonely, but it never really bothered me. I was never interested in what other people talked about, and I didn't feel the need to seek out human company. So then why was I going out of my way to have friends? It all started with a comment made by an idiot in my Muggle Studies class. I blocked most of the conversation out of my mind, except for when the guy called me a loser, said my hair was ugly, no one liked me, and a bunch of other crap. Did I mention that he's my boyfriend? I'm sorry, I try to block that out of my mind. Besides, I just found out today and we broke up, so it really doesn't matter. Confused? A few months ago I was peacefully reading my book when this guy started talking to me. His name's Omar. Omar was basically babbling on about Quidditch and stuff I didn't care about. He doesn't talk to me for months then today in class he's all, "Marie, what size shirt do you wear? What size skirt do you wear?" Obviously I thought he was a pervert, so I asked why it was any of his business and he goes, "Because I'm your boyfriend." I told him he wasn't and he lost it. Omar started shouting about how no one liked me, and you know the rest.
It's not that I'm bothered by what he said- okay, I am. I know I shouldn't be bothered by what one jerk said to me, and I tried not to be, but I was. Omar had hit my secret fear; what if people hated me? Did they consider me a snob just because I didn't talk? Did they whisper about that shy girl whenever I passed by? People didn't hate me. I don't know if they liked me, but I think they respect me. But when Omar made that comment I became paranoid that people hated me. I wanted to prove him wrong. I had friends. People didn't hate me. The quickest way at the time was to become another Sirius fan girl, but that didn't work out so well.
I can understand why girls like Sirius Black, but I don't understand why they'd just throw away all their dignity because of him. Sure he's insanely gorgeous. He's got this long, dark hair and it falls into his grey eyes like the bad boy character in a romance novel. Actually, he is kind of like the bad boy in the romance novels. Did I mention that I'm a sucker for the bad boy in a romance novel? The nice guy is so boring, but the bad boy follows his own agenda. He has girls wondering if he really loves them or not. The nice boy is safe, predictable. But the bad boy is passionate. I love seeing the bad boy paired with the shy girl- opposites attracting is one of my guilty pleasures. Does this mean I like Sirius? Well…..
Honestly, I'm not quite sure. Hard to believe, but I only remember having a crush on one boy in the second grade, and that was more like hero worship. How does it feel when you like someone? I've read all sorts of versions in books, but I don't know if they're true. Let's see, did I feel nervous around Sirius? Yes, but I felt nervous around everyone. Did I feel happy when he smiled at me or acknowledged me? He didn't. Did I obsess over every acknowledgment and wonder if it meant more? Since he didn't acknowledge me I don't know, but probably. Do I feel happy just thinking about him? No, not really. I mean, my inner girly-girl screams about how hot he is, but I just shove her to the corners of my mind. So the answer is, I don't like Sirius.
Maybe I do, just a little. There are times I'll wonder what it'll be like to be his girlfriend, but then I'll grow embarrassed and stop. I mean, even if I did like him and he did notice me, we're total opposites. He's loud and outgoing, I'm shy and keep to myself. I more or less live in the library, he probably doesn't even no where it is. He's a player who probably doesn't even know what love is, I'm an innocent romantic. In the alternate universe that Sirius did acknowledge me he'd get bored of me in ten seconds. What was I going to talk about? The story I was writing? The latest book I read? Why would Sirius Black care about my world?
What I feel for Sirius is curiosity and admiration. I know he had trouble with his family but I wasn't sure what. He was so confident and smart, although he never applied it during lessons. He was always the life of the party. I wondered how someone could be so confident and sure of themselves. Why couldn't I be like that? I wish I could be like him.
This whole attempt at proving a point isn't worth my time. Why should I have to prove a point to some jerk? That's right, I don't. My common sense has returned. There is nothing wrong with being shy and not talking to a lot of people. I'm perfectly happy with the way I am. I know people probably don't understand why people wouldn't want to talk, but that's their problem. Feeling completely happy with myself, I headed to my dormitory. I was a shy girl and I was fine with it.
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