I can't believe Holden actually left. Even after I covered for him with Mother and said he could sleep with me and everything. I mean, me, smoke a cigarette? Don't make me laugh. I can't believe Mother actually fell for that lie. But I would lie for Holden over and over and over again if it means he'll actually stay for once. He's always flunking out of one boarding school or another now, ever since Allie's death. He's been such a wreck. Everybody's noticed- Mother and Daddy and D.B. and me. They even wanted him to see a psycho… a psychoanalyst or something like that. I like Allie and all, and I miss him lots too, but he's dead for God's sake, and that's that. All Holden keeps on doing is flunking and calling everyone phony, like that will bring Allie back to life.
I used to have three brothers with me at all time. Three! And now I'm down to none, except when D.B. comes back to visit from Hollywood which is almost never anyway, or when Holden comes back, but most of the time Mother and Daddy are too busy yelling at him for me to actually have a good talk with him. Speaking of which, Daddy's going to kill him when he finds out.
"How come you're not home Wednesday?"
"I told you. They let us out early."
As if I would fall for an excuse as lousy as that one. I don't care how many times Mother tells me not to say that word. Lousy, lousy, lousy, lousy, lousy. I forget how many schools Holden's flunked out of now, but it's a lot. I heard Daddy talking to Mother once, when they though I was asleep and everything, and they said they didn't know what to do with him anymore.
He really needs to grow up. I know he's older than me, but at least I don't go around calling people phonies and swearing every other sentence and not liking anything that's happening and not knowing what I want to be when I grow up. Well, I'm not sure what I want to be yet, but just the other day our class did this The Right Job for You! worksheet, and I filled that out all right. I'm somewhere between a lawyer like Daddy or a scientist. And to think that he called me a child. Being a child implies that I wouldn't know where I wanted to go in life, that I wouldn't take responsibility for my mistakes. I do. It's Holden that doesn't. Wait, well, he did say something about wanting to be a catcher in the rye or something… but how can he be the big hero and save the children when he acts like a child himself?
I didn't mean to get all angry at him and yell at him when he came back, but he just frustrates me so much sometimes. Like how he left! I know that he knew that I wanted him to stay more than anything in the world. That's why he gave me the hat- a hat that's no substitute for him. I want him more.
He was crying too. It must have been because he didn't really want to leave. It must have. When can he finally admit that he needs someone to care for him? That he needs a family? That there are other people who are good out there besides Allie? That he needs to grow up some time and start acting like the older brother he is? But nonetheless, he's my brother, and I can't help but worry. I want to know that he's all right, wherever he is now. I want to go find him and make sure, but it's so late now. I'm sure Holden would rather me be in bed. I want, so bad, though, to just let him know that no matter what trouble he gets himself into, I want him to be safe. I want him to know I'll be here for him even if Daddy and Mother and D.B. aren't. I want to let him know I care, as much as Allie did. I want him to know that I'm his sister, and I love him.