I wrote this in three parts, posting each "episode" on one of my journals whenever I felt like it. Warnings for glossed over smut and lots of angst.
I.
"I guess it's all over, Lai. The Crimson Squad. All got our own places now. And Vegnagun is gone, of course."
"What?" he turned quickly, surprised to hear someone talking to him, but then couldn't stop a smile breaking onto his face when he saw who it was. "Gippal!"
He was surprised when Gippal's strong, lean arms wrapped around him, tightening around him in a familiar embrace, but he didn't pull away. They had, after all, been close for a long time, in several different ways. First comrades, then friends, then they'd been as close and brothers. And then... well, they'd been lovers, for a while. And now... Baralai wasn't sure what they were.
Gippal didn't seem sure either, drawing back a little, arms still around Baralai. "You gave us all a fright."
Guilt immediately slid over his face. "Gippal, I -"
"Relax, it's not your fault," he said, quickly, pulling away a little more. "I was just saying. Next you'll be blaming yourself for teenagers being orphaned by Sin before Lord Braska's calm and - oh, Baralai."
Wrapped up in Gippal's hug again, Baralai smiled and relaxed a bit. "Not quite, perhaps," he paused, and then, half-teasingly, "You've missed me this much, Gippal?"
He wasn't prepared for how serious Gippal's expression turned, or for how gentle, almost tender, he was as he cupped his cheek and spoke softly. "Yeah, this much. Djose and Bevelle are too far apart, and we've been steering our ships apart for too long..."
"This feels so..."
"Weird?"
Baralai smiled at how the tension eased a little, looked up and met Gippal's eyes, and suddenly they were both laughing, soft, relieved to find that they were on the same wavelength. Totally unsure of how to act. But Gippal was quick to become serious again, too serious. "What are we, Lai? Because I'm crazy about you, and..."
He'd never heard Gippal sound unsure like that, never heard his voice break in quite that way. Never seen him not knowing what to do or say, never seen him lost for words or vulnerable... But there it was again, the impossible little quiver in Gippal's voice, not laughing, for once.
"I need you to tell me if you want this to stop, because if you don't feel the same way about me when I -"
Baralai hushed him quickly with a soft kiss, knowing what he wanted them to be.
---
"I know what we are now, Gippal," Baralai said, softly, fingers brushing over his lover's temple, over the strap of the eyepatch and then along his cheekbone, restless, memorising. His breath caught and he swallowed hard, leaning down to kiss Gippal's cheek lightly, the most he'd give himself now. "Even if I'm as crazy about you as you are about me, even if I'd like nothing better than to share my life with you... I'm the Praetor of New Yevon. You're the leader of the Machine Faction. New Yevon needs its navigator and the Machine Faction needs its engineer... more than we need each other."
He dressed and left with nothing more than that. Didn't leave a note or a sphere to tell Gippal where he'd gone; didn't need to. Later, Gippal would sit up in his empty bed and smile a bittersweet smile and know. Know that although he'd touched paradise for one night, one night was all he'd get.
But for a while he slept on peacefully, and Baralai headed back to Bevelle alone.
II.
"Djose and Bevelle really are too far apart. Feels like I've been walking for days just getting up to the temple."
Baralai flinched in surprise at the unexpected voice, looking up quickly. His mouth dropped open a little in surprise at who was standing there, as if he was going to speak, but no sound came out for a moment.
"Hello to you too," Gippal said with a grin, letting the door shut behind him. "Aren't you glad to see me?"
"I thought..." he started, but then trailed off, afraid to say it but wondering if, somehow, Gippal had misread the situation. Wondering if, maybe, he had a chance to make that choice over again. Wondering if he could make the right choice again if he did. Wondering if it was the right choice.
"Can't a guy visit his old friend?"
That word brought a bittersweet ache into Baralai's throat. Friend. Just friends. He swallowed hard and forced words out past it. "Of course. I just... wasn't expecting you."
"I've missed everyone," he said, stretching his arms up above his head, showing off, as always. "I already looked up Paine and Nooj, they're both as grumpy as ever." He walked over, perching on the edge of Baralai's desk and pushing a small heap of paper out of the way. Baralai couldn't find it in himself to scold about Gippal messing up his work. "So, got any time to spare for an old friend?"
He looked at the heap of paperwork in front of him. Really, there was no time, and making some would put him behind in his work for days.
"Sure. I'm not busy."
There was a small, awkward pause, and then Gippal cleared his throat softly. "You could have left me a note or something."
Baralai flinched, looking down at his desk. His desk was safe territory; it was solid wood, nothing confusing about that, it did its job well, never tried to confuse him, and although it was currently covered in work he should do was nevertheless a very nice desk. "I'm sorry, I couldn't -"
"No, I'm sorry," Gippal said with a sigh, "I shouldn't have said anything. I didn't mean to say anything."
He bit his lip, and they sat in silence for a moment.
"Well... let's go for a walk. You need fresh air sometimes, Praetor," Gippal said, and his voice was as teasing as it used to be. He had to wonder how the man could do it, how he acted the friend when they both knew that all they wanted to do, really, was kiss again, touch again, have sex again. Maybe, Baralai thought, and cursed himself for the thought as his body reacted to it, maybe Gippal would like to throw him down on the desk and just take him.
Suddenly, the desk was no longer such a safe thought. He looked up, blushing faintly, thinking that Gippal could probably tell exactly what he was thinking.
----
It only got worse, the more time they spent together, until night and a starry sky found them in each other's arms again, holding on tight. Baralai didn't waste his breath on 'can't' or 'shouldn't'... he wanted it too much. Deal with the consequences in the morning, he wanted Gippal, needed him, just this once.
Gippal took him slowly, drawing out the sex until it almost made him want to cry at the same time as he was whimpering and mewling.
And when they were done, they didn't let go, not ready yet. They didn't bother speaking. "Never again," was all they could really say and neither of them wanted to shatter the illusion of that night.
Gippal left before sunrise, heart aching worse than ever.
III.
The third time it happened was all angry passion; the anger of having given in again, the anger at needing in such a way. Kisses that left both gasping, touches more agressive than before, causing loud cries and arches and harsh breathing. It was quick and not at all tender this time, pent up frustration and need explosive between them.
For once, neither of them left.
They lay there, unable to sleep, tangled together in a bed that belonged to neither of them, somewhere between Djose and Bevelle. They were silent, listening to thundering hearts slowly quieting, listening to quick rushed breaths becoming soft soft sighs.
They waited, each hoping that the other would become strong enough to carry on what Baralai had started, do what they had to do. Gippal had no intention of doing it, waiting with bated breath, almost. More in love with Baralai than ever before and hoping... hoping something had changed.
And Baralai lay there and wished as hard as he could for another way. He wished that the paradise he'd found with Gippal was real, he wished that love wouldn't hurt so much anymore.