To Thine Own Elf Be True
an Aaaah! Real Monsters fanfic
by Save Fearow
Author's Note: The overdue, long overdue, Christmas/holiday fanfic. I think that canon-wise A!RM may be the only Klasky-Csupo program that didn't get one of those specials. This is the second draft of the story, the original being destroyed in a computer crash on December 21st. Because it's almost a pre-requisite for a children's cartoon, there's even an original song performed. You can find sheet music for "Christmas, Then" (vocals only) on my deviantart page. Had I better skills with the MuseScore program, I'd have included the piano accompaniment and some light percussion in the background, but that would require learning how to layer a track. It's performed in the key of F major (B's are flat) as that was the most commonly used signature back in my high-school band days (trumpets please!) Keen-eared listeners may notice that all the F's are sharp, and about half the C's. That was my way of trying to incorporate Ickis' vocal tic of a rising voice, while still maintaining an even tone quality so the song becomes an enjoyable, and hopefully repeatable, earworm.
"Hurry it up, Ickis! We can't wait for you all day." Oblina scolded.
"You could have just gone on without me." Ickis whined. "It's too cold, I had to find something for my ears."
Oblina took one long glance at the woolen bobble hat he was wearing and burst out laughing. "Oh Icky, the humans will never take you seriously now. I don't really blame them, either. You should have worn something more sensible, like my scarf or Krumm's gloves."
Ickis folded his arms defiantly. "I don't care. Do you have any idea how painful frostbite is? Or pneumonia? Or catatonic shock? Or frostmatonic shoulda-stayed-in-bed mania?" he inquired sourly.
"No, because my ears are so small you can barely even see them." she giggled.
"Just like your heart, they're 2 sizes too small." he grumbled.
"Still bigger than YOUR brain." Oblina snapped. "Come along, Krumm and I have great plans for our scare."
Ickis gloomily trotted behind her. "Where are we going then, someplace indoors and heated?" he asked hopefully.
"Yup. We're taking another trip to the mall." Krumm declared.
"As long as nobody goes looking for a lava lah-mp we should be fine." announced Oblina.
"I'll just be looking for the exit." Ickis promised.
"That's not a very healthy attitude." Oblina observed.
"Healthier than the one I'd have in the infirmary." Ickis insisted.
"The doctor really does like you, Ickis. I heard him say that of all the patients he'd ever had, you're the one who most makes him want to recant the Hippocretin's Oath." Krumm pointed out.
Ickis sighed. "You do realize that not all 're-' words are positive?" he noted.
"I've never 'alized anything." Krumm claimed. "I don't think my father supports those kind of monsters."
Oblina groaned. "That's enough time wasting from you two. I came here to do my homework, and maybe squeeze in a little sightseeing, not bonsty-sit little brats." she stated emphatically.
"What's to see? There's snow, ice, and... and... the most fantastic thing in the history of fantastic things." Ickis let out an excited shriek.
Oblina and Krumm also stared at the gigantic evergreen tree, strung with mulitcolored lights, garlands, and decorated with a pointy star at the top. "I- I didn't even know humans had such festive creations." Oblina confessed. "The Gromble always told us to bypass Rockefeller Center in December but I never even suspected he-"
"Could hate something so wonderful." Ickis finished for her. "How do you think they do it, Oblina? Are there batteries, does it run off a direct current, could you rig one of these trees up anywhere, or does it have to be outdoors?"
"It's a tree Ickis. Trees don't belong in the dorm room." she professed.
Ickis gasped. "W-what if it's a monster, that just looks like a tree, and they dragged him out here to prolong his suffering? Then we would have to bring him back to the dump, to be charitable. It's the right thing to do." he argued.
"It's not a monster, it's a tree. You'd have to look long and hard to find a monster that gullible. Okay, you wouldn't have to look any further than a mirror." she giggled.
"You would not be laughing if I managed to save that tree. I never thought it was such a bad little tree. It's not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love." insisted Ickis.
"Little? Ickis that tree is bigger than you are at the height of a loom!" Oblina acknowledged. "Even if you wanted to, you couldn't take it anywhere. Hmm, I guess you do have a lot in common with the tree after all."
Ickis was about to launch a retort of his own when a human's voice rumbled across the crowd. "Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!" the man announced.
"What's a Merry Kip Snack?" wondered Krumm. "Is it something you eat?"
"No, no, no, it's Merry Crisp Moss. Because the air is crisp, see?" Ickis demonstrated by blowing a puff of frosty air. "And the humans have covered everything in moss, like that signpost up ahead." Ickis pointed to a nearby sign that had been outfitted with a large holiday wreath.
"You can still eat moss. I do it all the time." Krumm insisted.
"Stick with the yellow snow, it's better for you." suggested Oblina. "Don't let the strange sights distract you. We can always come here later, after our scare is finished."
"I'll be back." Ickis vowed. "I'll stay out all night if necessary, I'm not missing a single moment of Crisp Moss."
Oblina sighed. "I'll tell the doctor to reserve a room for you." she offered kindly.
If anything, the mall was even more brightly decorated and featured an even bigger crowd. "Stay close to me boys. We don't want to get lost in this maddening throng of humans." Oblina advised. She turned around to look behind her and noticed Krumm and Ickis were both gone. "Next time, I'm scaring alone." she promised.
Krumm had headed for the Food Court. Humans always leave the best garbage there. He noted some new flavors in the wrappers he ate, predominantly peppermint and gingerbread, all of them rotted to perfection. He could really get into this Kip Snacking stuff.
Ickis, meanwhile, was captivated by the displays in F.A.O. Smultz's. It was a fascinating enough place the rest of the year, but they had really outdone themselves today. Everywhere he looked were sparkling lights, miniature snow globes, giant inflatable humans wearing red suits. This Santa Claus fellow was especially intriguing. He'd never seen a human that better resembled a loomer, maybe it was really a costume for monsters! If Ultra Monster ever lost his job as reporter for the Daily Ooze, he could sign up for this! Apparantly it was a one-night-a-year deal but it seemed to pay well. That, or Santa had some real connections. Half the humans' stories admitted that he engaged in breaking-and-entering and they didn't seem to mind at all! They could probly get used to a Santa who traveled via toilet, it seemed less messy.
"What are you doing, goofing off?! And where's your vest, that uniform is coming out of your paycheck!" an angry dark-skinned human insisted.
Ickis looked up at him in shock, then recovered and started to extend his fangs. "RRRAAARRR!" he growled.
"Yeah, I hate the holidays too. But I love getting over-time. I got a daughter that I'll be putting into college next year, she wants Julliard, can you believe it? Of course she deserves it, I know she worked hard and got half a scholarship, but still! They never prepare you for tuition fees." the human insisted.
"Aren't you scared?" Ickis wanted to know.
"Big time. I may have to take out a second mortgage. But what am I doing, yammering away with you? Get back to work!" the man instructed.
"I really shouldn't. I'm not s'posed to be here, I'm Ick-" he started to protest but the man cut him off.
"Look Mick, I know this gig is stressful. But you can't bail on me. We've got hundreds of customers lining up to get their purchases gift-wrapped, not to mention the donations we're taking to the children's hospital tonight. We can't deny those kiddos a Merry Christmas, now can we?" the boss argued.
"No, of course not!" Ickis declared. "Everybody should have a Merry, um, Christmas, didja call it? That sounds terrific to me, Mr. Bossman Sir."
"It's Allan Smultz. But you only call me Allan this ONE night, got it, Mick? I've a reputation to maintain." Mr. Smultz insisted.
"Absolutely!" Ickis vowed. "I promise you, I'm the mon- man for the job. Definitely a man, not a little monster wearing a hat." he clarified.
"Some of the customers will turn into monsters if you keep them waiting much longer. Go on, shoo!" Mr. Smultz waved him towards the gift-wrap department.
Ickis beamed as he settled into his new, temporary occupation. His claws hastily tore through the wrapping paper as he began packaging a series of human toys, often adding flourishes of ribbon and tassels. All the humans seemed impressed with the speed and quality of his work, and he was quickly becoming enthralled. He even started to sing as he continued his holiday preparations.
"A battery powered aeroplane
and here is an electric train
so many wonders I can't explain
what's the deal with Christmas then?
There's tinsel, holly, and lights aglow,
I never saw them, down below
this amazing world I didn't know
can't conceal it's Christmas then.
Santa puts presents in their stockings
I confess it's truly shocking
all the doors that he'll be unlocking
is it really Christmas then?
A spinning top and a menorah
what do you s'pose it's for-a?
another custom to explore-a
does it feel like Christmas then?
It might be more about family
and friends who gather near the tree
when we're all together I can see
the appeal of Christmas then." he gleefully proclaimed.
One of the mall security guards walked past Ickis, shaking his head. "I knew I should'a laid off the eggnog." he mumbled.
At least Oblina had gotten her scares in, by pretending to be a candy cane she had frightened 4 children in a row, a personal best. And now that she had dragged a groggy, but very full, Krumm away from the garbage cans all that remained was to find Ickis and go home.
"I do hope he managed to do something productive with his time." Oblina stated. "The Gromble is very disappointed with his recent performances in school. If he's not careful, the Gromble WILL flunk him, and I don't know what we shall do without our Icky."
"It might not be so bad. I bet he leaves me his comic collection." Krumm noted hopefully.
"Krumm! Is that all you can think of at a time like this?" demanded Oblina.
Krumm shrugged. "He doesn't really have anything else that I want." he insisted.
Oblina scowled. "At least you have some insight into what passes for Ickis' mind. Now if you were a whiny little monster stuck in a mall, where would you go?" she asked.
"The toy store." Krumm wisely suggested. "It has Ickis written all over it. In silly string, too. 'Gifts Wrapped While You Wait. Courtesy of Ickis.'" Krumm read aloud from a window display.
"Only 2 misspellings, and 5 backwards letters. I see he's been hitting the books." Oblina acknowledged.
"No, he stopped doing THAT. He told me he needed something softer for sewerball practice. I keep telling him my eyes are off-limits!" snapped Krumm.
"Let's go get our fine young scholar." Oblina declared.
"Okay, but we'd better grab Ickis while we're at it. He could get into big trouble out here." Krumm agreed.
Oblina tiptoed over to Ickis' gift-wrap department. "Ickis, psst, over here!" she called.
Ickis grinned and waved a claw at her. "Gimme another minute, then I'll be on break." he informed her. "We gotta make it quick, the next shift'll be starting soon!"
Oblina tapped her foot impatiently. "I do not care about the next shift, I care about getting us back to the dump, before the Gromble punishes us all for breaking curfew!" she claimed.
Ickis' ears drooped. "Who could think about the dump on a day like this? You guys won't believe what's going on here!" he declared.
"What will be finding unbelievable, that you are acting like a complete dunderhead?" Oblina sneered.
"We've seen that alot." added Krumm.
"This isn't stupid, it's Christmas. The humans get together, and they give out toys to everybody! Mr. Smultz, he's the boss who is really not as grouchy as he appears, even said I could keep one as long as it's small and not expensive, so he doesn't take a big loss on the inventory." Ickis explained. "Look at all there is to choose from! I could try this!" Ickis bounced on top of a pogo-stick.
"Marvelous. Simply marvelous. Instead of just looking like a rabbit, now you can jump like one too." droned Oblina.
"Okay, then, what about these skates? You just put them on your feet and you sorta- whoa!" Ickis fell over with a splat.
Oblina shook her head. "And you crash to the ground. Icky, stop this foolishness before you hurt yourself." she begged.
Ickis wobbled as he regained his footing. "Oof. You're only in danger of falling the first few hundred times. With practice, you can stand in them!" he proclaimed.
"What about walking?" Krumm asked.
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves." Ickis acknowledged.
"Ickis, we are leaving!" snapped Oblina.
Ickis' eyes grew wide. "You can't go, I haven't shown you the best toy yet. It's the one I'm keeping always! They had a Create-A-Critter Workshop set and I used it to build my own little Gromble!" Ickis waved a green, button-eyed monster puppet at his friends. "ICKIS! You're pathetic!" he mimicked.
Krumm laughed long and loud, and Oblina had to try very hard to suppress her giggles. "I admit it IS a good likeness, but it does not change the fact that you are in danger. Can you not see that you are risking detention in the human world? And once they find out what you are, how long until the rest of us are discovered?" she inquired.
"I would never let that happen!" Ickis vowed.
Oblina shook her head. "You say that now, while you are still reasonably safe. How will you feel once you are captured, and put in a cage? Who knows what horrors the humans will subject you to you!" she worried.
Ickis shuffled his feet nervously. "I- I don't think they're all like that." he claimed.
"One good human does NOT represent all of them. Remember Simon?" she cautioned.
Ickis flinched. "I know, I know. But I have to stay here a little longer. I promised my boss I'd help deliver the toys tonight. We're taking them to the children's hospital at Montefiore. He says they look forward to it every year and I- I gave him my word." Ickis informed her.
"Oh, Icky... you should never make promises you can't keep. The Gromble will not allow this." she stated.
"Then you can't let him know. Keep him busy, just for tonight? Please? I'll make it up to you, I swear. Krumm, I'll do your homework. Oblina, I'll do MY homework. I'll even take all the Snorchings for you guys for a whole month!" he bargained.
Oblina's jaw dropped. "Can you even do that?" she pondered.
"I'm not sure. I think the last time I was all caught up on assignments, Clinton was president." he admitted.
"I meant the Snorchings! When has the Gromble ever transferred a punishment?" she questioned.
"Oblina, this is me you're talking about. How often do I stay out of trouble?" Ickis reminded her.
Krumm thought it over. "There was the time you broke your leg... no wait, then you started that phobia kick and really got on the Gromble's nerves." he recalled.
"Thanks Krumm." muttered Ickis.
"Or the time he asked you to bonsty-sit, and you got his youngest nephew switched with a baby human..." Krumm remembered.
"Thanks Krumm." grumbled Ickis.
"Or the time you got arrested..." Krumm intoned.
"I said, thanks Krumm!" Ickis hollered.
Oblina sighed. "I will try to keep the Gromble occupied, but Ickis I cannot guarantee that he will not suspect something. This kind of fraternizing with humans, it can get you expelled. It can get you hurt. You are risking so much, and for what?" she wondered.
"It's just something I have to do. I promised." Ickis firmly reiterated.
"Do be careful, Icky. We want you to come home safely." Oblina insisted. She gave him a hug, and then a quick kiss on the cheek, to remember her by.
"Ah, Master Krumm and Miss Oblina. So good to see the two of you arrive before curfew. I just have one, teensy little question. WHERE IS ICKIS?" the Gromble roared.
Krumm and Oblina looked at each other, desperately trying to formulate an alibi. "I think he's sleeping." Krumm offered. "I heard him talk about hibernating this year. Seemed like a good idea at the time."
"Yesss, that would be a logical thing for him to suggest. There's just one problem. He's NOT in the dorm!" hollered the Gromble.
Oblina looked sheepish. "I s'pose he could have changed his mind. Maybe he found something he liked about winter, it is possible." she suggested haltingly.
"Don't lie to me Oblina. Where is Master Ickis?" he demanded.
She squeezed her eyes shut, she felt like such a traitor. "It's quite likely that he is in the hospital by now." she confessed.
The Gromble smacked his forehead in frustration. "My kingdom for a non-combustible monster!" he bemoaned.
"I'm non-combustible! What kind of goodies do you have in your kingdom? I've always admired the teaching bone." Krumm allowed.
"Krumm, shhh, don't make this any worse. It's a human hospital, so it isn't as bad as you believe, sir." she insisted.
"No, it's worse." the Gromble decided. "You two rancid roaches are coming with me. We'll find him, we'll bring him back, and then we'll expel him in front of the entire Academy, shaming him FOREVER. Nobody skates by on my watch, flaunting the rules and flubbing his scares. This is the final Gorblat that knocked over all the pins."
"Ickis likes Gorblats. He'd do better if he tried rolling a smaller size, most of them are too heavy for those scrawny arms." Krumm explained.
Ickis found the hospital to be truly inviting. Gone were the usual empty hallways, and dull green-and-white paneled waiting rooms. The antiseptic smell was masked by numerous candles, baked goods, and frothy mugs of hot chocolate, but he s'posed one couldn't have everything be perfect. Mr. Smultz had complained briefly that the Santa beard was too itchy, but had quickly gotten into the role. Ickis smiled as he watched all the children playing with their gifts, sitting near the tree (this proved they could be kept indoors, Miss Know-It-All), spinning the clay "dreidel" and grabbing piles of shiny toy coins, or looking at green and red candles on a table decorated with a woven mat, cup, and a plastic vegetable they labeled a "muhindi". You'd never see that many smiles back at the Monster Academy, especially during mid-terms!
"That was the best, sir! Everybody's so happy now." Ickis squealed delightedly.
"Everybody except that one little girl, over in the Burn Victim ward. The doctors couldn't even get her to come down here." Mr. Shultz sighed. "Why don't you take one of the bags up to her in room 530? Maybe she'd feel better if she got to choose her gift personally."
"Sure, I can do that right away!" Ickis offered. He loved the elevator, it had so many buttons and all of them light up when pressed!
As Ickis boarded the elevator, the Gromble came bursting through a toilet, towing the very unhappy Krumm and Oblina behind him. "He's in so much trouble." the Gromble declared. "Everything else he's ever done will pale in comparison."
"Even the time he flooded the school with my pit-hairs?" asked Krumm.
"That still makes my skin crawl." the Gromble admitted. "But yes, even THAT will seem like nothing compared to this mess!"
Ickis was singing cheerfully as he strolled along. "Headmaster Gromble last looked out, on the feast of scaring. All the humans ran about, he was very daring." Ickis knocked on the door briskly. "Special delivery for a little girl!" he called out.
"Go 'way!" she cried morosely.
Ickis' face fell. "But I'm s'posed to visit you. They said you weren't playing with the others, so I'm to bring a present directly to you!" he greeted as he shoved open the door.
"I don't wanna!" the girl buried her face in her hands. "Besides they's probly just giving out a bunch a dolls."
Ickis nodded vigorously. "Oh yeah! We brought lots of those! And there's cars, and building blocks, and Funopoly, and teddy bears, and all kinds of toys!" he assured her.
"No, I don't care. All those toys is pretty and I'm..." she lowered her hands in despair. "Ugly."
Ickis smiled as he examined at her face. Most of it was covered in bandages, and what little skin was showing was red and puckered with blisters. "So what? Some of my best friends are hideous." he proclaimed.
"You're just saying that." the girl noted glumly.
"No, it's true!" Ickis paused a moment, deep in thought. "Close your eyes, I want you to see something." he told her as he rummaged through the bag.
"How can I see it if my eyes is closed?" she wondered.
"Good point. Okay, you can open them now!" Ickis announced as he waved the Gromble puppet.
"Waaah! You scared me!" she cowered slightly in her bed.
Ickis adopted his best Gromble impression. "Sorry little girl. I do that to everyone. I may look scary, but I care about everyone I meet, and I just want you to do your best and... um... never stop trying. Because... um..." Ickis faltered, and lapsed into his normal speaking voice. "Because what? Think!" He frowned briefly, then continued to have the puppet imitate the Gromble. "Because even when you feel small and insignificant, you still have the potential to do great things! And I can help you do that! My name is Gromby, and I would like to be your friend!"
The girl tentatively held out her hand. "I'm Sally." she introduced herself.
"Hello Sally. Maybe you would like to play with me downstairs... near the tree." Ickis had the Gromby puppet suggest.
Sally looked nervous. "I don't know Gromby, it's an awful big crowd over there." Sally admitted.
"That's true, but I'll be with you every step of the way." the Gromby puppet noted reassuringly.
"Oh-kay Gromby. I'll try it." promised Sally.
"Good girl." the Gromby puppet acknowledged. Ickis handed it to her. "Here Sally. Gromby's all yours now, for as long as you need him." he offered.
"Thank you, Mr. Elf." Sally leaned forward and gave Ickis a hug, before trying the puppet voice out for the first time. "And Gromby thanks you too!"
"My pleasure, Sally." he informed her. "And Gromby. You two have fun together." She gave him a little wave, and hurried to the elevator.
From their hiding place in the nearby bathroom, the Gromble appeared stunned. "He does these things deliberately, doesn't he?" he marveled.
"All the time." agreed Oblina.
"Then there's no reason for ANY of us to ever bring this up again. We're going home, there's nothing we need to see here anymore." the Gromble announced.
Ickis struggled as he carried his running-away-suitcase across the snow. He'd never meant to spend so long in the human world, but it was worth it to bring Christmas to human children like Sally. Of course, one look at Oblina and Krumm when he finally returned to the dorm, and he knew he was done for. This kind of infraction went beyond a mere Snorching, all the way to expulsion. He knew he couldn't stay at the Academy any more, and he couldn't go home to his father as a disgraceful dropout. It was a good thing he always packed for emergencies. Inside the suitcase he had everything he could ever need: Mr. Robinson's harmonica, Shnookie the Sponge, the Monster Manual, an Ultra Monster comic book (the one with the variant cover, Krumm could keep the rest), a Vote Krumm! eyeball pin, a leftover spoke from Oblina's braces, some paintbrushes and tubes along with a scrap of canvas, one of Slickis' old first-place ribbons, his Elphaba poster, a Grishnak set, a handful of dried cajun crickets, a blanket for chilly nights (maybe he'd wrap that one around him soon), and a squeaky dog bone just in case he ran into Fungus or another friendly bark-and-bite. Yes, as long as he could find a New Ickisville before he froze to death, he'd be all set. If he didn't, well, at least he'd make a pretty good ice sculpture.
"Master Ickis, I need to speak with you about your recent extracurricular activities." the Gromble informed him as he snuck up from behind a particularly tall snowdrift.
Ickis jumped back in fright. "Your Grombosity, I-" he started to grovel.
"I had noticed a decline in the quantity and quality of your scares. You had been slacking." snarled the Gromble.
"From a certain point of view, it might seem that way." Ickis conceded.
"I was convinced I had no choice but to flunk you." continued the Gromble.
"I know, sir. N-no one in my family has ever flunked out before. I never m-meant to shame them." he tearfully acknowledged.
"Then you had better give me a very good scare. Something along the lines of, oh, let's say, frightening a girl so badly that you could hear her screams throughout the children's ward." the Gromble pointedly suggested.
Ickis was stunned. "You knew about that? What do you do, follow me?" he wondered.
The Gromble sighed. "Only when it seems prudent. You tend to get into these escapades at least once a month. I believed you were due." he admitted.
"That's um, obsessively observant." Ickis noted.
"It does get wearisome after awhile." the Gromble complained.
"M-maybe I should just run along back to the dorm? Nice stalker- I mean talking to you, sir." Ickis stammered as he scurried back to the dump.
The Gromble glowered for a few moments as he watched him go, before finally relenting. "Whatever. I'll let him live. It IS Crisp Moss, after all." the Gromble decided.
~~~The End.
Author's Note: This story took longer to make than I originally planned, but I'm glad I finally finished it. After the computer crash, I refused to work on it for a few weeks, but I couldn't leave it undone. My husband found it hilarious that I'd want to write an A!RM Christmas story, since we celebrate Hanukkah at our house, but I pointed out that several famous Jewish actors and actresses have participated in Christmas specials. My personal favorite was Fred Astaire, voicing the mailman/narrator of Rankin-Bass' animated classic "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town". That man was incredible. Reviews are greatly encouraged, they reflect the Crisp Moss spirit all year round!