Looking into Kurt's mind
I am always tired, I have started having nightmares again, not since Mom died have my nightmares been this bad, they scare me enough to wake me. The bullying is nothing new, Puck and some of others have stopped pushing me around, the snide and hurtful comments have stayed the same but the actual physical bullying is centred on Dave, even Azimio has stopped. The thing is Dave is the first person I am really afraid of. He is the source of my nightmares, Dave finding me in a dark alley and hitting me until I beg him to stop and that look of revulsion, of pure hatred as he keeps going ignoring my cries and screams. There he comes again, ow, that hurt the lock dug into my back and the dull ache as the bruising on my shoulder never heals completely, the constant impact places one bruise over another. Everyone is afraid it will happen to them so no one does anything, look what happened to Finn when he stood up to them, now they harass him too, they just don't beat him up. So no one helps, they feel sorry for me but what can they do. There is Mister Shuester, he asks me to go to his office, he is nice but he can't protect me even if he wanted to, I have to do this myself. Am I supposed to tell him that since the new year started I have not had one full night of sleep, that the only enjoyment I get is in Glee and the Cheerios, and even that is not enough. That the conviction that after I get out of here good things will happen is starting to fade and the need to survive the now is just too much. So I take a deep breath and with as much flair as I can, say that I am fine, and that I am creatively challenged that is what is getting to me. Mr Shuester listened, he tries to help in his way, even if he makes me stay with the boys which is always a challenge. I set up a costume scheme and try and present it, but all the jabs about having to wear dresses, I expect it from Puck but even Artie joins in, why do they think I would want to wear a dress. It becomes too much, I am just so tired, why must I keep fighting so I give up. Puck brings up the Warblers and how the whole school is gay, I don't believe him but maybe that is where I need to go, run away from here.
The school is beautiful, the broad stairwells made from solid wood and the tasteful elegance in the décor, the guys look dashing in their uniforms. I am overwhelmed, I stop one of the boys to ask for directions, when he turns I see his face, he is gorgeous, he introduces himself, Blaine, it rings in my ears and I must have the goofiest look on my face. He takes my hand and leads me to where all the guys are gathering, then I see him sing, he is singing to me, I just found my happy place. I return to Dalton Academy and Blaine, Russ and David take me aside and actually talk to me. There is no gay panic, no fear or pity in their eyes they just see me as Kurt, it overwhelms me. Blaine asks to talk to me alone and tells me how he ran away from his school because of bullies but that I should stand up to mine.
That night is the first night in as far as I can remember where I sleep the whole night through, I have dreams about Dalton Academy and Blaine singing. The next day I am gushing over Blaine's text, when Dave smacks me. That is it! Blaine is right I have to stand up to bullies. I chase after Dave, follow him into the locker-room and try to understand why he hates me so much, maybe if he sees I am not afraid he will back off, I feel a warmth spread over me giving me strength to I finally tell him what I think of him, that he must stop bullying me. That's when it happens. He kisses me, I mean he really kisses me, my mind stops working, he pulls away for a second and then comes forward again, my body reacts instinctively by pushing him away. He slams his hand into the door and storms out. It takes me ages to move, I think I am in shock, I am shaking and light-headed. The rest of the day whizzes past only when I am home and safe do I call Blaine, maybe he will understand.
Blaine convinces me we need to talk to Dave, that Dave is just confused. If we help him accept himself, then he will stop hitting me. We head to his previous class, and there he is walking down the stairs. Blaine starts talking to him, Dave just seems to ignore him, then when the kiss comes up it's as if Dave sees red. He attacks Blaine, he looks like he is going to tear Blaine apart, I have to protect Blaine so for the first time since Dave kissed me I overcome my fear push Dave away, scream at him to leave, which thankfully he does. Blaine seems unfazed, but it was too much for me I have to sit down. Blaine helps me up offering to take me to lunch, he realises I need someone to talk to and just have fun with so for a little while Dave and all this mess disappears.
The next day I put up Blaine's picture, he makes life bearable, I can actually enjoy life again, if it wasn't for him I don't know if I would have handled what happened with Dave. Dave seems to be leaving me alone it has been two days since he hit me. I am just about to go to class when I feel the familiar pain as my bruised shoulder hits the locker. I know it was Dave even before I see him, I see the look of disgust as he moves away. I don't know what is worse. I thought he bullied me because was a mindless idiot who could not accept someone who is different but now I think he beats me up because I remind him of everything he hates about himself. I stay where I fell and wrap my arms around my legs making myself as small as I feel, everyone walks past, no one stops, I am invisible.
Looking into Dave's mind
It was Kurt's fault, it was always Kurt's fault. It was Kurt that made him feel this way, made him feel sick to his stomach every time he saw him. Kurt made him spend hours thinking about him and what he wore, the way he moves, the way the sunlight touches his hair and makes it glow gold. Stop it, it's Kurt's fault, he is playing his mind games. There he is, there goes my stomach, he is making fun of me. Not for long. I push him into the lockers. That felt good, I tell myself, I showed him, he can't make me think of him. It never helps, I still feel like my stomach in knots. Wait did he call my name. I get into the locker room, no one is here, I am safe. I can disappear for a while, go to the track and run laps until my body burns and I feel the overwhelming numbness that over exercising brings to my body. Then Kurt walks in screaming at me, I reply but all I can see is the flush across his face. How his cheeks are getting a light pink hue, his eyes are shining, his lips, oh his lips, they are begging to be kissed, STOP. I raise my fist, if I hit him hard enough maybe I can change his face enough so the spell he has over me won´t work. Then he puts up his finger, he is so close, I can smell his cologne, it is heady, oh his lips, the way his mouth moves, I stop listening and just see that mouth of his, I want it now. I grab him and kiss him, he does not move, I pull back to look into his eyes, he looks lost so I lean in again, this time I will be gentle. That is when I feel him push me back. He doesn't want me. I slam my fist into the locker door. How could he stop me? He won, I fell into his trap and kissed him, not only that but I wanted more.
The rest of the day, continued much the same as any other day, classes, exercising but when I get home I go straight to my room, Mom called for dinner I told her I already ate with the guys after training. It happens often enough so she believed me. What am I supposed to tell her, that since I kissed Kurt the very idea of eating anything makes my stomach turn. I get on my exercise bike I have in my room and cycle, I start feeling the welcome pain spread until I can go no further. I take a quick shower and go to bed, I fall asleep immediately. My dreams are a mix of me kissing Kurt and this time he is kissing back and saying 'I was wondering when you would make your move' then it is replaced by reality, the look he gave me when I kissed him, it was as if I had killed something he loved. I hate him.
The next morning, I was walking down to class when I saw him, the guy that Kurt was with, wearing one of those private school blazers and the way he talked to me as if I was a child that had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I barely listened to anything he said, after asking if he was Kurt's boyfriend and Kurt didn't say no but didn't say yes either, so I pushed through. I had nearly gotten away when he said that Kurt had told him. What? I asked. Kurt replied that I had kissed him in a hushed voice, he looked scared. How could he say that, blurt it out in the stairwell for everyone to hear, hadn't he humiliated me enough, I give in to his enchantment he turns me down and then tells this guy. The jacket doesn't shut up, he goes on and on, I try to get away but he doesn't stop. So I have to make him stop, if I push him, he will shut up, Kurt looks scared, this guy must be scaring Kurt. All I want to do is make him shut up. I grab him and push him into the railing, I am just about to hit him when my chest burns hot, it feels as if it is on fire. I hear Kurt say something and for the second time those beautiful hands of Kurt push me away. He is defending this pest, how can he go against me like this. Something is not right.
It is all Kurt's fault, just so he could toss me out. I finally figured it out, that is what this feeling is in my stomach, it is butterflies every time I think of him or see him. Now he chooses that smooth pest over me. Me! I proved I loved him, I kissed him, bared my soul. Kurt probably phoned that guy immediately and laughed at me. That's what it is. I am just a joke for him, he will not win. There he is, he has a picture of the pest on the locker. Kurt lied to me, who has a picture of someone in his locker if they aren't dating. Slamming him into the lockers shows him that he didn't win. He will not break me, he won't laugh at me, I will never show weakness again.