"THIS IS ALL FUCKING NUTS. SERIOUSLY, HOW COULD THE- WHAT THE SHIT?" Out of nowhere, two very likely douchbags just appeared in front of my throne; their backs to me and stumbling around as if drunk. "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU FUCKWADS?" They both turned to face my direction, nearly falling on top of each other in the process.
"Eh, who's on first?"
"There a show on?"
"WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"
"Why the hell is it so shieney?"
"Can you shut your whole face?"
"I dont think zats possible. Let me try!" And with that, the smaller one tried to cover his face, and ended up slapping himself several times. "I'll do it, gimme a minit." I am not sure if this is sad or amusing. This is almost as bad as that one poker game with Tzeentch.
"Eh, whys there a skely on a chair?" The tall one began, contorting his face in the process.
"WAIT A MOMENT, THIS ISN'T LOW GOTHIC. WHERE DID THESE FUCKERS LEARN ENGLISH?"
"I give up, ima not goin try there so much golddduh in hereeeeeeeee. Whos the dead fuckr in the chair?" the small one slurred before the larger one "punched" him.
"The fuc did you drug me with?"
"Why do you automaticle think it was meeeee."
"Becas one, fuck you. and two, fuck you."
"No thank you, ur not my tipe." Alright, I've had enough of these two dumbasses "fighting" in front of me. I summoned a bucket and threw it at the two of them, effectively knocking them on the floor.
"Alright, that fucking hurt." The tall one said, his voice beginning to slur less. "Oi, dumbass, get up."
"I would, but the bucket smacked me in the leg!" This is English. It has to be, it is simply too familiar. I wonder if this text-to-speech device recognizes English?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~Linguistic transition to English~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"HEY, DO YOU DOUCHBAGS UNDERSTAND ME NOW?"
"Alright Kenny, you've had your fun. Now fix me." The tall one said slowly as he turned to look at the small one.
"Oh look, its the fuckwad emperor of mankind on his golden toilet!" I psykicly picked up the bucket and threw it at them again.
"OI! What did I do?!"
"YOU WERE JUST TOO SLOW."
"Yeah well, you're missing your eye." The tall one said as he was starting to get up.
"NICE ONE, MAYBE ONE DAY YOU'LL BE ABLE TO COME UP WITH GLORIOUS COMEBACKS LIKE ME."
"I'm arguing with a skeletal man-baby." This went on between us for a few minutes until the small one came back from fucking around.
"It is the 41st Millennium. For more than a hundred centuries The Emperor has sat immobile on the Golden Throne of Earth. He is the Master of-" He was cut off by the tall one pushing him.
"ENOUGH! I WILL NOT HAVE MORE FIGHTING IN THIS ROOM. IF YOU BOTH ARE GOING TO ACT LIKE CHILDREN, THEN I WILL HAVE TO TREAT YOU LIKE CHILDREN. NOW APPOLOGIZE OR I WILL PUT YOU BOTH IN THE CORNER." They were both quiet and staring at me. "NOW WHAT DO YOU SAY?"
"Hey Mason?"
"Jawohl?"
"What do you say to fixing the golden toilet?"
"Percussive maintenance?"
"Indeed!" They then began to advance towards me. They wouldn't dare. They started to walk towards me , while grabbing the bucket from the floor; oh shit those fucks really are going to do it. I spawned in two more buckets and threw it at them. The short one ducked, and tossed the bucket at the tall one, witch he caught. He then ran to my throne and preceded to hit the back where all the cables and parts were. the short one joined shortly after.
"HEY DICKFAGS, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY THRONE?! CUSTODIANS! SECURITY! SOMEONE! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" Then, there was an incredibly loud noise, and a whirring noise. Did, did they just, fix my toilet? What?
"You're welcome jacka- skeleton, I fixed the throne. Now for my reward, I want a planet." Just then, there were footsteps entering the room.
"My lord, the deed has been done. It must have taken a- My lord, who are these two?"
"THEY, THEY'RE THE, UH. REPAIRMEN. THEY JUST FIXED THE THRONE, I THINK."
"Repairmen? Fixed the throne? You think? Wahhh?" Feeling around for my cell, I found that the have stopped degrading and are coming back, slowly, very slowly but coming back nothingness.
"HEY DOUCHBAGS, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?"
"I know that I did, I fixed your throne; and you owe us one, because at most you were going to last another 10000 years, and at worst a few decades. Now we've saved your life or have at least prolonged it." Said the short one. Wow. I'm half tempted to give them a planet, if for no other reason than to get them out of here.
"COCKSTODES, START WRITING THIS DOWN. I'M GOING TO TEACH YOU THE ENGLISH WRITING TRANSLATION SHEETS, AND EVENTUALLY THESE TWO DIPSHITS WILL LEARN HIGH GOTHIC. BUT THAT IS LATER."
"Yes, my lord. At once."
"ALRIGHT ASSHATS, WHEN HE COMES BACK, I WILL WRITE A TRANSLATION SHEET FROM THE LANGUAGE I WAS SPEAKING TO ENGLISH. YOU DO KNOW HOW TO READ RIGHT?" The two looked at each other for a long time in silence.
"You can read right?"
"I think so, its been a long time since I dusted off my brain."
"Wait, you have a brain?"
"ENOUGH FUCKING AROUND. CAN YOU OR NOT?"
"Yes." They both said simultaneously. After a while, the custodian came back and began the translation. It took about twenty minutes.
"ALRIGHT. NOW THAT THAT IS OUT OF THE WAY, DID YOU COMPLETE MY ORDER?"
"Yes, my lord. The deed has been done." He said while still writing down the conversation.
"GOOD. HOW DARE THEY SHIT UPON THE SACRIFICE THAT MY MOST LOYAL SERVANT EVER MADE, BY TURNING THE ORGANIZATION HE LAYED THE FOUNDATION FOR INTO AN ELITIST SHITFEST, IS INEXCUSABLE."
"Excuse me, my lord, I don't think I follow."
"MALCADOR THE HERO. PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS MALCADORE THE SIGILLITE. HE WAS MY BRO FOR LIFE, AND THE FIRST HIGH LORD OF TERRA. HE WAS THE ONE WHO RULED, AND SPREAD THE WORD OF THE IMPERIUM IN MY STEAD WHILE I WAS TINKERING WITH THIS THRONE. IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT DISSAPOINTMENT OF A SON MAGNUS THE BOOKWORM, WHO JUUUST HAD TO FALL TO THE TEMPTATIONS OF CHAOS AND SENT A BRAIN-SHATTERING PSYCHIC PHONE-CALL TO ME WITH HIS POWERS. THE BARRIERS THAT PROTECTED MY GREATEST PROJECT... THE WEBWAY OF MANKIND, WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN RUINED, AND MALCADORE WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO MAKE HIS SACRIFICE."
"Oh."
"I know you're a skeleton, but you don't have to talk for an hour, you know." Tall asshat said, fiddling with a small device.
"So, are we going to continue our chess game?" I considered just throwing them out of the palace.
"So, um, everything is Magnus' fault?"
"DEFINATELY. IF I COULD, I'D BRUTALLY SPANK MAGNUS UNTIL HIS ASS WOULD TURN SO RED, HIS FACE WOULD LOOK PALE IN COMPARISON."
"Ah, I see."
"COME TO THINK OF IT, IS MAGNUS STILL ALIVE?"
"Last I heard, he's a daemon prince now. Residing in the eye of terror on the planet of the sorcerers."
"SOUNDS REALLY FUCKING NERDY, JUST LIKE HIM. LATER, I WANT YOU TO SENT THOSE UNLTRAMARINE SMURF THERE TO TRY TO GET A HOLD OF MAGNUS AND THEN BRING HIM HERE TO ME. IF THEY FAIL, THEY'LL AT LEAST BE NOT SO FUCKING SNOBBY ANYMORE, AND IF THEY SUCCED, THEN I'LL GET TO SPANK MAGNUS, SO IS ALL GOOD."
"Very well, my lord. I'll remember to tell someone. Now, what shall we do with those two?"
"LET ME QUESTION THEM."
"Of course, I'll wait outside then." With that, he walked out, allowing me to focus on the two dipshits fucking about.
"ALRIGHT FUCKWADS-"
"The hell do you want?"
"We're stuck in a stalemate."
"OKAY DICKFAGS, HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS LANGUAGE?"
"We were taught by the asshole country of America." Shorty replied.
"Ha! check."
"Wat!" He looked down in surprise. This is going to be a long day.
Intermission music
"HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THE THRONE? YOU SHOULDN'T KNOW THIS."
"Well, I got a very simple answer for that, and it comprises of four words. Multiverse is a bitch."
"PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE JOKING."
"Yep, it was the warp. Oooooooooo." the tall one cut in while waving his arms randomly. I threw another bucket at him. "Oooooo." More buckets. "Ooo- that's a lot of buckets... Buckets for the bucket god! Pails for the pail throne!" That's it.
"Mason, you have a horrible coping method. Is it me, or did it just get- oh, that's a lot." And so, I unleashed my horde of buckets at the tall douchfag.
"ANYWAY, WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO SAY?"
"Is it really that unbelievable?"
"NO, I BELIEVE IT. I'M JUST WONDERING WHAT I SHOULD DO WITH YOU NOW."
"Well, we came from the 21st century."
"EARLY OR LATE?"
"What happened in late?" If I could move my hands...
"WORLD WAR 3."
"Early."
"I'LL DECIDE LATER. FOR NOW," I threw the translation sheet at the shorty, "YOU WILL LEARN HIGH GOTHIC. AND I WILL TEACH YOU."
"Is there an estimate?"
"NORMALLY FROM 50 TO 100 HOURS. BUT I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING EMPEROR. SO IT WILL GO A LOT FASTER."
"Well, you've probably learned quite a few tricks, haven't you old timer?"
"TIME TO JOIN YOUR FRIEND."
"Wah?"
Authors Note: There may or may not be a chapter update.