And I Just Can't Look, It's Killing Me, a kingdom hearts fanfic

Sometimes when I saw you two together, it felt like my eyes were burning. It felt like they were burning, and were going to fall out of my head and onto the floor. Black little clumps of rather descrete flesh, kind of like in the cartoons.

I wasn't sure if I thought this might happen, or if I wanted it to. Just seeing you with him was enough to make me choose blindness. It just wasn't right.

I'm coming out of my cage,
And I've been doing just fine.
Gotta, gotta be down,
Because I want it all.
It started out with a kiss,
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss..
It was only a kiss..

I sat in the Living room, on one of the huge sofa's near the televison. I tried to keep my eyes to myself, but it was something that somehow couldn't be done. When I felt this unbearble heaviness in my chest, like someone had done surgery while I slept in which bricks were inserted where my heart should be, I couldn't be content just keeping my eyes to the floor.

Of all four of my roomates, you were the only one I liked a lot. In fact, I liked you more than a lot. Sometimes I might have even considered it love. But it seems whenever I saw you, it looked like your angelic, pale complexion was shadowed by the mere hex of his presence. Like the shadow of clouds running across the asphalt, you couldn't escape him. I wanted to help you, but I knew I couldn't.

I tried not to watch you sitting on his lap in the giant recliner chair, I tried not to focus on your hands fooling around with his long, shiny, sliver locks of hair. I tried not to view his arm around your waist and your body leaning back against his bare, milk chocolate chest. It stung like a needle peircing my skin.

"Hey,"

Startled, I pulled my eyes away, somehow afraid it was you or him that had spoken to me. I turned my head, just to see Xaldin standing at one end of the couch, my cousin and another one of my roomates, looking at me skeptically. I took a short glance back to you, only to see your bubbly blue eyes watching the televison, as well as his sly orange, fox like ones. Then I knew it wasn't either of you. Regardless, my worry didn't flee. It continued to loiter around in my chest, fluttering like a thousand dragonfly wings and sounding like thunder in my ears. I watched the TV until I heard my cousin's voice peirce the air again.

"Xigbar, you okay, man?" His eyebrow was raised in question, and he was drying a few eating utensils with a blue plaid dish towel.

"Yeah," I replied, looking over at him with a somewhat attempt of a smile. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why?" I tried to play the casual game, but I should have figured he knew me too well by now. I was usually a pretty good liar, but it's the kind of thing family can always figure out.

Xaldin's expression flipped from wondering to stern, and he used a finger motion for me to come into the kitchen. He walked out there himself, and I could hear the soft yet somehow deafening clink of the untensils he was dropping back into the drawer.

Sighing, I got up off the couch. I took a final glance at you and him, before walking into the kitchen with dim lighting and dull colored walls. Xaldin took another dish out of the sink and began to dry it, staring at me like he half expected me to start spilling a whole barrell of secrets. As if. I remained quiet, waiting for him to strike up a conversation as I picked nonchalantly at my fingernails.

Now I'm falling asleep,
And she's calling a cab.
While he's having a smoke,
And she's taking a drag.
Now they're going to bed,
And my stomach is sick.
And it's all in my head,
But she's touching his chest now,
He takes off her dress now,
Letting me go.

"What's the matter?" He finally asked, walking across the room until he was standing directly in front of me. He spoke quietly, almost like it was his turn to be whispering secrets. "Why do you keep giving Demyx and Xemnas the evil eye?" His purple eyes were hard like stone, and his voice grated through me like finger nails scraping down a chalkboard.

"Evil eye? As if. I wasn't even looking at them that much, I don't know what you're talking about." That's what I told him, even though I knew all too well what he was saying. I was looking at you two a lot, and it was an evil eye to fit a villain.

"No, seriously. Tell me what's--"

"Where's Zexion, anyway? Normally he's out with us reading a book or something." I manuvered my way through your voice and did a quick but uneventful subject change. I knew in my mind you'd jump right back in after my question was answered.

"It's ten thirty, Xig, he could be in bed." Xaldin replied, glancing at the microwave where a clock was displayed day and night. "But, I think he said he was getting in the bath. Anyway, can you tell me what's up with you?"

I sighed. There was somehow no escaping his parade of questions and unquenchable thirst for answers about the perculiar way I was feeling, acting, and maybe even thinking. "Look, I just think Demyx deserves a lot more than that Goddam garbage." I spoke, a little harsh; but it was the deadly truth. You were the most amazing person I knew, and he was...Well, let's just say he was worth a lot less to me than anybody else in the room. It was like an angel being swooned by a demon; something that wasn't meant to happen.

Xaldin sighed, walking over to the sink. I wondered why the hell he was washing dishes at ten thirty in the night, but, I let that rather irrelivant thought slide, because he started to speak.

"Look, you're just gonna have to deal with it, Xigbar. They're in love, and happy together." Xaldin scolded, beginning to sound like a parent; something that really didn't amuse me. "You're gonna have to find someone else." He came closer again, drying another peice of china with exceptional speed and skill. "I know you like Demyx a lot, but..." His voice trailed an instant, like he was trying to decide on what to say. Like it was a hard decision or something, even though I already had a good sense of what was going to leave his lips. "They're together and happy, so, move on. No sense in trying to break 'em up, it's just gonna cause stupid drama."

And I just can't look,
It's killing me.
And taking control.
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea.
Swimming through sick lullabies,
Choking on your alibis.

Happy?

I knew for a fact you were far from it; being with him. In fact, your life was a secret hell that only the three of us knew about. Zexion and Xaldin had been denyed entry. Thing was, he was the mentor in this hell, you were the victim, and I was just the spectator. The one who gets to watch the severity and torture, the one who can't do anything about it.

"Yeah, okay." I said, just to bring an end to our pointless conversation. I didn't care what he had to say; the relationship you were stuck in was like a mousetrap. You weren't dead but you were stuck and in pain, and I was going to be the one to let you free, regardless of what anyone had to say about it.

I returned to the living room, not waiting to hear what Xaldin's reply would be. I sat back on the couch, feeling heavy. I resumed my previous bystanding actions, feeling that painful, worrysome, fluttery feeling that I couldn't fish out a name for. iRage./i No, it wasn't quite all rage. It was...iJealousy./i

Again, I tried not to let myself see your hands on his chest. I didn't want to observe him kissing you on the neck and wrapping both of his muscular arms around you. Arms that would seem excellent for giving hugs, but arms that could be lethal if the time arised. I swallowed.

"Let's go to bed." He said to you, and you nodded easily, hopping off of his lap and letting him bring his body into a standing position. I quickly diverted my gaze elsewhere, the jealousy smoking and crackling like green fire in my heart.

I loathed him as I watched him take your hand gently like he was some kind of saint, and walk down the hall in a slow speed. As you and he approached the room you slept in, his hand came away from yours and his arm latched around your waist, his hand rested on your hip. He pulled you close to his body before you disappeard through the doorway.

I felt dead.

Zexion then emerged from the bathroom in his blue robe; his hair combed to perfection but still dripping wet from the bath. He had one of those thick novels he always read under his arm, and he gave me a wave and a soft smile as he entered the living room.

I didn't much feel like it, but I waved back and even tried to smile. However, I saw Xaldin emerge from the kitchen, and I wanted to beat it before I got wound up in another stupid, almost Father-Son conversation.

"I'm gonna head to bed, guys. See ya in the morning."

But it's just the price I pay,
Destiny is calling me.
Open up my eager eyes,
'Cause I'm .

I got up from where I sat on the couch, and started to walk towards the hallway, my insides still blazing; being licked by the green flame tounges. My mind walked all over the fact that you were alone in a room together; obscene ideas filled my mind with hot steam. I just didn't want him to have you; your body, mind, or soul.

"'Night."

"G'night."

After hearing a reply from both of my other roomates, I tediously walked down the hallway, wanting to see what was going on behind that closed door. Wanting to stop it, wanting to hold you. Needing to stop him.

I opened the door to the bedroom I shared with Xaldin, and I turned off the light. The darkness was calming; like a thick sky of my own that blocked out my desperation. I felt the jealousy begin to die down a little, as if a glass of common sense and tranquility doused the hot fire like water.

I stumbled across the room like the blind man I wished to be, and collapsed on the bed as if I had fainted. I wish I had fainted. I stared at the ceiling that looked as blank as a peice of white paper and as dark as the night sky, and sighed.

I could slightly hear his deep voice in your room. Not that I could hear what he was saying at all, I could just hear the low boom of his words melting through the walls. I started to recall the night I found out about all this. The night my life started to transform into worry and fear for you, the night I wanted to save you but couldn't.

I had always had feelings for you, I just never decided how I wanted to express them. Through friendship, or more than that. It was a tough decision in my mind.

I remembered getting home from a normal day at work, flicking my coat at the banister and watching it successfully lay there, like I had placed it gently. That pleased me enough as I went up the stairs, figuring out in my head who would be home and who would be at work. I knew everyone's work scedules very well, and the only people who should have been home when I got home, was you, and Xemnas.

All was quiet when I walked into the living room. No life, no noise...Not an un-natural thing, but seemingly not a natural thing, either.

I'm coming out of my cage,
And I've been doing just fine.
Gotta, gotta be down,
Because I want it all.
It started out with a kiss,
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss.
It was only a kiss.

I walked into the kitchen and saw a note on the table. In his messy, tiny handwriting, I could read :

Out to get groceries. Home soon.

- Xemnas

I averted my eyes from the paper, letting them wander around a little, looking for you. You were no where to be seen, almost as if you had slipped off the face of the earth.

I started down the hallway, thinking your room would be the best bet of finding you if you were no where else. I didn't knock, something I often didn't do,and what I saw behind the thin, wooden door shocked and amazed me.

You were on the floor. It seemed as if you were in a heap. In pain, and groping for the bedside. You didn't even glance up when the door creaked open.

I rushed to your aid immidiatly, overcome with wonder and worry, the two worst things you can combine in the mind of any mortal. I helped you up onto your bed and I could see you were clutching your stomach.

"Demyx, talk to me." I said, exasperated. "Are you alright, what's going on?" It was uncommon and uncanny for me to feel this worried, and that's when I decided that my feelings should be expressed as love, like a beautiful fireworks show. I noticed some vomit on the floor near where you had been lying, and I felt my skin crawling. Xemnas had been the only one home with you, and there was no way ...

You didn't speak for a while, something I could understand from the way you seemed to be aching. I rubbed your leg a little, waiting on a word to leave your lips, waiting for an explanation - but not rushing you.

Eventually, some words departed your system, sounding shaken and frightend. "I'm okay.." You said, and that barely relieved me. I needed answers, and quick ones, before I quite literally went out of my head.

"What happened?" I demanded, wishing I hadn't sounded so rushed and urgent. Your voice had seemed to regain it's normal tone when you spoke, and I was happy to hear that you were okay. But the thought of something bad happening to you inflicted by someone elses free will...It made me feel sick to my stomach, it made my blood and insides cook and boil with intense anger.

"...I told Xemnas that I didn't want to hang out with him tonight. I told him that..." Your voice escaped your grasp, but it didn't take you long to snatch it and use it to the best of your ability, once again. "I told him that I might go see a movie with Zexion and a couple of girl friends I have a home. We both used to live across town, on the same street, so we know a lot of the same people..." You continued to ramble on, and I didn't care for your stupid explanation. It was clear to me now that Xemnas had inflicted damage upon you, something I refused to accept and cope with. However, I let you continue before I jumped to any wild conclusions. "He got really...mad. He started over-reacting and, and started saying I was going to cheat on him, and just...I dunno, he hit me. he punched me in the stomach a few times before storming out and mumbling something about the groceries.."

By now you were starting to cry, and I felt kind of like I wanted to, too. I wouldn't, but I won't deny that I sort of wanted to at the time.

I yanked you up from where you lay on the bed, not thinking about how a sudden movement could hurt your stomach. At that point I didn't care, as I held you in my arms. You were flinching a little, but making a strong effort to hug me back as you sobbed quietly in the dim stillness of the bedroom you and he shared.

I wanted to jump, and scream, and find him and just...kill him. Seek and destroy. But I knew that's not what you would have wanted, so, instead I did my best to be there for you. I rubbed your back and let you cry it all out, even if it did take almost fourty five minutes.

I remember I ended up kissing you. Not only on the forehead, but on the cheek, and the top of your head, and even the lips. You didn't seem to mind, and I was trying my best to help. That was the day I knew you were in trouble, and that was the day I wanted to replace Xemnas.

I began to hear things I didn't want to, if you catch my drift. It was something that bothered me, the fact that I knew he was inside you. Or that he was planning to be, or going to be...It was bothersome. I could hear your girlish voice now as well, and it was truly killing me inside and out.

I rolled over on my side, my back facing the door. I wanted to shut out all life but what was inside my head; though even that wasn't too amazing. All I could recall was what you were going through. The day I found out I asked you if it had happened before, and you said no. I believed you, and I still do. That had been the day it all began. But when would it end? I let more thoughts filter in and out of my mind, and for some reason I hauled out and dusted off the other worst one I could recall. It played like some kind of old film in my mind, vivid but not uplifting.

i I remembered coming home from work on another day where it was only you two home, and I had a bad feeling the entire time I had been driving home. I couldn't get myself up the stairs fast enough, but when I came into the house I could hear a loud argument. Suddenly I wanted to loiter in the porch and listen - at least until it got violent and I was forced by will to step in.

"You seem off today." I heard Xemnas' loud, thunder voice. "What did you do? What are you hiding from me?!" He demanded. No sounds of physical contact yet, so I remained listening, as much as hearing him yell at you made me want to run upstairs and start a wrestling match.

"I didn't do anything, Xemnas..." You replied, your voice exceptionally quieter than that of your boyfriend's. "I'm sorry, I'm just kind of in a bad mood, okay..?" I knew you were a horrible liar, and I felt awful for you.

"Stop lying." Apparently he knew it as well. "Just tell me."

"There's nothing to tell, I --"

I heard a loud noise, and I ran up the stairs like the devil was shooting at my heels. When I arrived, I saw that he had slammed you up against a wall. You were crying again, and he looked more angry than I think I had ever seen him. You were both staring at me. Xemnas; in disbelief and rage. You; as if I was some kind of shining savior.

I approached the both of you, feeling ready to get pretty violent with him if the oppourtunity came up. I pushed him off of you and stopped walking, glowering at him like a bull with red fabric. The room was still.

And I just can't look,
It's killing me.
And taking control.
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea.
Swimming through sick lullabies,
Choking on your alibis.

"You." He said. "What have you and him been doing behind my back?" I wondered where all the out of wack questions were flying from. Suspicions were often a killer of relationships, and I began to wonder if you had been feeling guilty about letting me kiss you...Was that the reason why you seemed so "off"?

"Nothing." I stated simply, keeping my body in front of yours, sheltering you from the deadly monsoon. "I can't believe you'd lay a fucking hand on him...What kind of fucking boyfriend are you?!" I demanded, lurching forward and giving him another mighty push, and I was surprised to see him not fighting back.

"Get out." He said simply, and his eyes were like glowing embers; not quite alive, but still full of spark. "This is none of your business." Xemnas spat, not moving from where he stood about a meter away from my body.

"How could you do all this bullshit?" I demanded, feeling my heart racing but my blood cooling from his calm reactions. "You don't deserve him, you peice of shit. Get out of my sight."

Xemnas didn't move, he stared hard at me like he was trying to concentrate. Not a word left his lips.

"Fucking go!" I shouted, keeping my body sheilding yours successfully, as he began to take a few heavy steps. His steps were so heavy I swear his feet were filled with cement.

His hand shot out and gripped my upper arm for several seconds. He scowled at me, his face inches from mine. His eyes scorched mine like I had just gotten a handful of hot ash tossed into them, and his hand around my arm was like a vicegrip, ready to squish my flesh into rubble. Now it was clear to me why someone like you had gotten so terrified the day it had begun.

After a few seconds, although it seemed like decades for me, Xemnas released my arm and continued to walk away from you and I, and down the stairs. He whipped the front door closed on his way out, so it slammed awfully hard and made a mighty sound that echoed into every corner of the house.

I remained standing for several seconds, breathing heavy, feeling exasperated by everything I had just experienced and had to absorb. It was all too much; I didn't think one man could make me so mad. Then I heard a soft sob, the cry of an angel, behind me. I remembered you.

I remember how I took you into my arms and we went into my room, and we lay down for a while. I let you cry again and we started to talk. You told me that you appreciated all I was doing, but there was no way you could leave Xemnas. That shocked me to no end, almost to tears. You told me that you loved him, and that he had a rough childhood and didn't blame him for getting like that from time to time.

I found that unbelieveable. I tried my hardest to convince you to pick me over him, I told you that I loved you.I confessed all the feelings I had and you simply refused. You claimed you loved him. The boyfriend who accused you wrongly and punched you in the stomach, and made you vomit and slammed you against a wall. You loved him. My stomach churned like a mixer in cookie batter, and I swallowed.

But it's just the price I pay,
Destiny is calling me.
Open up my eager eyes,
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside.

I remembered you falling asleep, and how I had just lay there for the longest time, feeling like I was in hell. The same question nagged my mind for what seemed like forever, and I wracked my brain for the answer so hard I thought I might go brain dead.

What made him better than I was, when he did all those wrong things?

The awful sounds I could hear from you two had died down to my relief, and I could see that all the lights from the kitchen that had previously been sneaking under the door had vanished. I wondered what time it was, as I turned over on my stomach and smothered my face into my squishy pillow.

I assumed it was pretty late, and then my bedroom door opened. No light shined in for there was none on, but at that point I knew it must have been late because Xaldin was always the last one in bed. I scarsely breathed, wanting to seem asleep so I wouldn't have to talk to him.

Truth was, it wasn't only him I didn't want to talk to. I wanted to talk to no-one, I just wanted to lie in the darkness and absorb it all, and think about you in all your pain. Think about you and how you still wanted him. Think about you and how you didn't love me. Think about you and how you were lying in bed with your disgusting fate.

I could hear Xaldin crawling into bed without turning on the light, and I shut my eyes. I felt sick to my very core, just thinking about you.

Thinking about you and how you couldn't be saved now. The mentor was hurting the victim, and there was nothing the spectator could do to prevent it. The demon had swooned the angel, and the mortal was engulfed with jealousy, only to lay in the darkness and watch a horrid destiny turn, like the pages in a paperback novel that lacked a happy ending.

I never...
I never...
I never...
I never...

The End.