Castiel was tough, resilient, reliable, swift, cunning and strong. No-one could deny that.
At one point, the Angel had been described as unfeeling, mechanical, cold, cruel and even unforgiving. Being sent from Heaven began to change all of that, and everything that happened since then - like becoming the guardian of two brothers who Castiel ended up caring for deeply. One of those brothers though, made Castiel's life worth living, and in some ways, made it unbearable.
There was no denying the bond between them, or that they had their share of ups and downs, but it always seemed to work out and bring them closer together. The closer they got, the more he changed, the more he loved. Deeper and deeper, he fell in love with the human - his soul - his everything. After they finally managed the impossible yet again, he had hoped that this would finally be the last push he and Dean both needed to do what was so obviously burning like holy fire between them.
But oh… how wrong he was.
Castiel clutched his chest, and for the first time, he felt a cold, broken, raged-filled scream escape his very being into the silent night air around him. The weight in his chest was unbearable - Dean's rejection was the worst thing the seraph had ever endured, and he had endured wars, and battled through Hell, and felt the loss of his brothers and sisters. He would give anything now to stop the pain, the emotions and the urge to diefrom crushing him in waves, as if he were meant to drown in it.
There was no separating his vessel from his angelic grace anymore, for the two were bound in their anguish. Again Castiel screamed, desperate for something to ease his despair. Not only was he so far away from Heaven, but he was alone and broken. Above him dark clouds swirled as they suffocated out the light of the night sky, their blackness darker than even his broken tattered wings, as the lightning flashed across the ground. Oh, how he wished he could fly away from this awful place, away from the sounds of Dean and that dirty, vile woman he left the bar with after the hunter ran away from him. Dean from the angel's words, his affection and his forwardness. From everything Castiel had ever sacrificed just to be there with the Winchesters. To be with Dean.
Castiel felt so betrayed, so wounded and lost. Not even his own deaths had been this painful. His human experiences, his grace burning out when it was not his own, his guilt for Heaven and all of his actions, the leviathans... none of his mistakes or regrets ever hurt as bad as this.
Please, please! Release me from this agony, this pain. I beg of you Father, or even anyone after their revenge please... if he can't have me, if he can't face me as I am, than I don't want to be here anymore...
Castiel had never understood the hysterical sobbing he saw on television shows or in those movies Dean had watched with him. At one time, it all seemed overly dramatic, and that there was no possible way a broken heart could cause one to fall to the ground in anguish. Now, it all made sense. Now, he understood.
He clawed at his trench coat as he rocked on his knees, his voice and his sobs stuck inside the tightness of his throat, as the hot angry salty tears rolled down his face. His eyes swirled with grace as it began to burn across the vessel's surface. If no-one would come, if no-one would release him than maybe he could release himself. He would burn himself out like a star, burn his vessel, smolder himself until his grace fizzled into nothing and sparked out. Gone forever and never back to face the Righteous Man and the disgust he had seen bubbling in his soul when Castiel kissed him. The more he thought of it, the hotter he became. The inside of Castiel began to bubble, his vessel doubled over in pain as he grit his teeth in anguish.
It is better this way... I'm sorry Dean…
The sky was angry, the Angel's emotions bring terror to the space around him and the trees are swaying in his grief. As the rain began to pound against everything like the sound of bullets bouncing off metal, Castiel misses the rush of wings. Standing before him, the powerful form raises the Angel blade and positions it above Castiel's right shoulder. If he knows the other Angel has come, he doesn't even acknowledge it. For a moment, the other Angel is sure that Castiel welcomes Death like an old friend, a sense of acceptance for his demise is evident in the air. With one swift movement, the blade comes down to hit it's mark, and with a flash of lightning - everything suddenly stops.
The blade echoes across the ground and Castiel misses the rush of panicked energy across his grace. Before him, stands one of the eldest guardians, the only one left in fact, as he falls to his knees. Burn marks appear against the human skin, and the smell is revolting to the old one as he kneels, a lump in his throat as his grace burns at the emotions surging around him. His heart and grace are heavy as his throat feels tight with despair for his fallen brother.
"Castiel... please..." the flesh on his hand sizzles as he lights himself up with grace. His heart is still panicked, unsure of how he even managed to fly with his mangled wings in the first place. He had heard Castiel's grief the moment it happened, and he had paced -livid, angry, desperate to answer his prayer, to find him before it was too late and someone else took this chance from him.
You stupid kid, you're gonna die all because of some stupid human?Some stupid, emotionally constipated human who just can't see what he is missing out on?
The crack of thunder sounds in the air, and suddenly lightning flashes again, both sets of wings illuminating their surroundings. A large ball of white light suddenly falls around them as it soothes, heals, swirls around protectively wrapping the younger Angel in love and a binding. Castiel's grace is wild and desperate to not accept, sparks flying around them as they clash. It kicks and bucks like a wild bronco, untamed and scared. Closing his eyes and pulling the taller damaged vessel against him, the Archangel whispers in Enochian. He holds him tightly, not caring about the sparks, or the clash of weather and angry storm brewing around them. Thunder clashes around them, echoing Castiel's rage. Castiel still begs for death.
Please Castiel it's me… I don't know how, but I'm here Cassie - it's me. Listen to me, feel me, reach out and let me help you… you must remember!. I can't lose you too, not over this. You were always too good for a world like this. I'm so sorry my little fledging.
Gabriel's words finally reach a part of Castiel, as the colors of rage fade from inside of himself. Slowly, as their grace returns contained, Gabriel still reaches out and strokes Castiel's cheek in a slow manner. As he comes to, the younger seraph is sobbing at his overwhelming rush of memories, his whole body trembling, as he grips Gabriel's shirt and he holds him tightly like the Archangel is his lifeline. Gabriel gently squeezes his shoulder as he repairs the gaps in memories that Naomi and the others have taken from Castiel.
The other angel remembers this feeling now, remembers before everything was new, before the tower of Babel was constructed, before the wars and the first humans. He remembers running happily beside his tall protective guardian, his wings being stroked affectionately and how protected he had been. He remembered stories and words of encouragement that no one else ever offered. He remembered love. He could recall warm, caring arms, a sense that he was a different and that it was okay, even when other Angels yelled and tried to hurt him or push him away. He could remember their terror, their shrinking wings folded in submission when Gabriel reminded them who Cas belonged to. Castiel often wondered if he had ever been loved like other fledglings or if he just never had it to begin with. There were times he thought that it was just a dream when he would see flashes of memories and events as a human. It felt so far away, that he never really understood until now.
"I never should have run away and left you here, Castiel. You were always different and they were always trying to change you." Gabriel gently stroked his hair with soft loving fingers, "I taught you to think like me, to be like me and I protected you as long as I could. I was such a coward though, and when I ran away I should have known the others would erase what I was to you, and try to change how you thought. I never knew I made such an impression on you, I am so sorry you went through all of this, Castiel, and I'm so sorry about the way my brother treated you. You were the only one Dad ever let me make, and I should have taken you with me." Tears slid down Gabriel's face, his heart heavy with confession as he remembered brighter days and times. "I should have told you sooner, that I was proud of you, Cassie, so damn proud. Don't you ever doubt it. You are better than I will ever be and I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I'm so sorry that you still have to fight so hard to be happy..."
He holds him tighter as he shakes against him, murmuring his apologies for not knowing. Gabriel sobs because Castiel still smells the way he did when he was young, back when his wings were still a little crooked, black and stuck up in all directions. He yearns to change what he cannot and wishes he had not waited so long to hold him again. Castiel's grace makes him remember why Angels existed to begin with, and why he had once called Heaven home.
"I love you so much Cas - I love you so much and I wish I could make it better but please, please don't leave me, too. I couldn't bear it... children should never die before their parents." There is something incredibly broken in the Archangel as he whispers the words. It makes Castiel let go of the burning rage inside of him, as his grace withers into flutters of guilt.
"Don't leave me," Castiel whimpers, his arms wrapping around the Archangel's neck, and Gabriel pulling him tight against him. He holds him so tight he wonders if he will accidentally break the other angel's bones as Castiel returns the gesture. The weather has finally calmed, and all that remains now are the sounds of their hearts beating inside their vessels. The young one no longer shakes and no longer cries, as Gabriel gently runs his hand along his spine.
Castiel never lets go as Gabriel brings them both to their feet, before he snaps his fingers and they vanish. From somewhere unknown, over looking a sea that has always reminded Gabriel of Castiel's eyes, they sit against the pinks, oranges, reds and yellows of a sunrise. With a hand beneath the battered trench coat wrapped around his body, he can feel the familiar warmth of grace reach out and stroke where his once awkward wings had been. His head lays against Gabriel's shoulder and the old one smiles. It will take time but Gabriel is sure Castiel and Dean will move on from this, when something new comes along to wreck the world. If he has to, he can always gang up on Dean with the long haired Winchester to force Dean to at least acknowledge his over reaction to Castiel's kiss. Regardless of Castiel's gender in a vessel, there is no denying that Dean has feelings that blur the lines between friendship and romantic. Rome wasn't built in a day after all.
"It will be okay Cassie," he whispers softly, his fingers stroking the place where his wings would be, "and if it isn't, I'll be here either way. Sometimes parents need to learn from their children, and I should have stopped hiding a long time ago." His fingers pause, hovering for a moment before he kisses the top of Castiel's head, the blue eyes closing at the touch.
Castiel's fingers gently slip between Gabriel's own. It's hard to believe that at one time, his little fledging had hands that ever fit so small and securely into the ones of the form Gabriel would take when they were together in heaven.
"Thank you," is all he can manage, before Gabriel gently strokes his back again. Castiel welcomes the peace it brings him.
It is nice to feel whole again and remember the warmth of their memories. It's something he knows he can hold onto whenever he feels alone in the dark again.