Unrequited Love - Chapter 1
The bell chimed as we entered the little shop. The smell of freshly brewed coffee filled the air. The wood beams that spanned across the wide room gave it the coziest feel. It was warm and welcoming, and our favourite place to be.
"Hey, I'm going to grab us the spot by the fireplace," I said as I gestured toward the empty armchairs. We stomped on the welcome mat as we brushed off the snowflakes from our toques and jackets.
"Okay, perfect. I'll grab our stuff. The usual?" Her rosy cheeks and pink nose were absolutely adorable.
"Yes, please!"
Winter had come early this year. It was freezing outside, but even at this late hour, the snowflakes glistened as they fell in slow motion. I loved this time of year. Bright colourful lights hung on every building down the street and people were buzzing around town about gifts and Christmas music.
I sat back and exhaled in delight. These chairs were usually always taken up when we came here. Today, they were all ours.
I looked up and spotted her lined up, just about to order. I found myself staring. I could never help myself, no matter how much I tried to stop doing it. As she smiled at the barista, I felt myself curl a small smile myself. I caught it quickly and brought my head to rest against my palm as I leaned on the armrest.
I sighed inwardly as the smile straightened into a small line, until it completely vanished. My eyes watched sadly as she paid and moved her way to pick up the mugs on the far side of the counter. The skip in my heartbeats turned into small familiar aches. Aches that were so very consistent and ever present. I sighed again.
I've had what seemed to be the worst luck of any person to walk the earth. How is it that of all the people I could fall in love with, it had to be her? Love is such a funny thing that way. It is the single most influential reason that I am living this never ending roller coaster life.
She turned and caught my gaze for a second and I jumped, rubbing my neck in reaction, hiding what I hoped just looked like a passing coincidental glance. I turned and stared into the fireplace. The flames danced and licked against the mesh screen, the only barrier between me and the orange blaze.
I always pictured how I would tell her. I imagined every possible scenario. Maybe I'd kiss her first without saying anything and hope to god she was okay wth that. Sometimes I think just telling her straight would be the best, you know, rip the bandaid off. No bullshit, just straight fact. We've known each other long enough that the phrase, "I'm gay," wouldn't be a surprise, right?
No, that wouldn't be the surprise. The surprise would be when I tell her it's her I've been crushing on this entire time.
"Here you go," she walked up to her chair and settled the two mugs down on the table between us. "Just the way you like it," she noted as she made herself comfortable.
"Oh, yes," I grabbed my mug with both hands immediately. "That is the best." Quickest way to warm up, in my humbled opinion: coffee, a fireplace, and a cute girl. I kid...but was I really?
"So," she started with a coy grin, "any luck with that crush you were telling me about the other day?"
Oh, did I mention that I'd told her, but not really told her? Yeah. Smart right?
"Well," I was used to this dangerous game. I was the one who started it and so far, I'd done well enough to keep it the perfect white lie. At least I thought so. "We haven't actually talked much since then. I mean we did and still do, but he's just not much of a texter." This was true. She really wasn't the best at it.
"Pfft," she snorted and waved her hand dismissively, "That doesn't matter. Have you met him in person yet?" I may have told her that I met this 'crush' online?
"Once." I lied through my teeth.
"What?! And you never told me?!" She looked absolutely appalled, except for the huge playful grin she so beautifully mastered that made me weak. "What was he like?"
I smiled and shook my head. I pictured myself digging a very, very deep hole. And it was only getting deeper. "Well I mean, you can't really tell after the one time." It had been hundreds with her.
"Oh come on, there's got to be something."
I laughed as I took another sip. All I could think of during this lie was her. Not exactly the best combination to keep a lie straight. "Hmm...let's see..." I readjusted myself in my seat, bringing my leg underneath me. Might as well have fun with it, I suppose. "Think about it this way," I began. "He's fun and smart. One look would leave you weak in the knees." I knew it to be true, she did have a look I loved. "He's got this smile that would melt you if you saw it," I let my eyes roam across her face. "And he's sexy as all hell." I dropped my eyes to my cup, realizing that my eyes may fail me. She was so...distracting.
"Mmm." She hummed in approval. "Sounds hot. Going on a date yet? I'm sure he's asked you already. How could he not?"
"Ha, no." My heart lit up a little bit at her compliment. "Even if he did, I feel like I'm looking to something more. He's not really my type anyways." Boy, was this imaginary male ever not my type. If only she knew.
"Why not? I'm sure he'd be fun. He sounds like fun." She giggled. "I would." And that's where my heart sinks, every time. Always the small reminders that she definitely wasn't gay. Lucky me, like I said right?
"Yeah, yeah. Anyway, he did come off as kind of an asshole toward the end of the night." Let's steer her away from this before she asks me for his non-existent phone number. "So I figured check him off the list and move on." I sipped my coffee again.
"Yeah," she sighed, "I guess you're right. Why are they like that? Can they just be normal for once? It seems like you can never find a decent guy around here. Mmm like that guy in our philosophy class—now that was a fond college memory."
We sat for what seemed like forever as I rode my wave of emotions the entire time. It truly was a rollercoaster in my mind, in my heart. I'd give and she'd take, but then she's give and I'd take. I loved talking to her, just being with her. My laughter was genuine. Her story telling was absolutely adorable. My smiles made my face hurt but I couldn't stop. My heart was full and empty all at the same time.
We left the shop, bundled underneath heavy layers of insulation, gloves and scarves to keep our sensitive hands and cheeks sheltered from the gusts of the winter wind. Our voices echoed into the night as we slowly walked down the busy street passing carollers and shop windows full of Christmas delight.
I admired her beauty in the changing lights. I ached to kiss her with each passing minute we were together. My fingers tingled to touch her rosy skin, or maybe that was the frostbite. I couldn't even tell anymore. Every time I heard her laugh, my heart would burst. I wanted to make her laugh all the time, just to hear it one more time.
She stopped in her tracks before I could notice. I accidentally walked right into her. "Shit!" I reached out and grabbed her arm to hold her upright. But in my attempt, I overcompensated a little bit and just yanked her right back. My foot slipped and I ended up falling hard onto the ice with her landing right on top of me.
"Ow." I said after a real long five seconds of astonishment. Then, she started laughing—laughing hard. And it was the most addicting sound I'd ever heard. I wanted to bottle it up. I chimed in as well, not able to help how contagious the sound was.
I'm so madly in love with this girl. I'm totally and utterly fucked.
I felt her weight on me settle as the bout of laughter subsided. "Are you okay?" I finally piped in as I pushed myself up.
For a split second, the world around me fell still. Everything but her. She crawled ever so slightly, letting out a warm breath, the fog of exhale revealing the sexiest, most seductive grin. Jolts of electrifying pleasure shot right between my legs. I hitched a breath as she hovered her lush lips over mine. Her hand trailed its way along my upper thigh, feathering every so closely to my throbbing centre. As she paused her movements, I saw her teasing smile. Shit. I snapped and pushed forward to close the dangerously thin gap when suddenly—
"Lexa, did you hear me? I asked if you were alright?" I blinked and it was gone.
"Yeah," I cleared my throat awkwardly. "I mean yes, I'm fine. Sorry. Yes. I totally lost it there for a second." It was all I could say, because let's be honest, I really, basically, imaginatively did, it seems. I gulped as I nervous blushed and stood up, brushing the snow off my pants. I offered her a hand.
"Yeah, sorry! That was definitely me." She giggled. "I wanted to head in here quickly." She pointed at the store.
"Okay, you go ahead. I'm gonna wait on the bench and get this snow off before I'm a walking talking icicle." I made my way to the seat set outside of the store as the door rung at her entry.
While I sat there, I watched the busy street and the people strolling through. I couldn't help it as my brain made me think of her. A couple walked happily hand in hand, another kissed underneath mistletoe. I looked across the street and there was a girl leaning her head on her boyfriend's shoulder. No matter where I looked, I felt lonelier and lonelier. My heart clenched and my breath shook. Damnit.
She came walking out of the store, as stunning as always and the clench on my heart gripped harder. "Here's something to warm you up." She offered up a small cup of hot chocolate. Did I mention she was an angel?
I took the cup with a quick smile and a thank you. "What's wrong?" She came and sat down with her own hot chocolate in hand. Everything, all of this, I thought. This isn't how I picture us and it hurts like hell. "Nothing, nothing." I stood up. "Let's keep going?" I managed to give a weak smile.
The next little bit of our walk was a lot of quiet nods as she continued to talk about how irritating the store keeper was. I, on the other hand, had my mind racing with thoughts of holding her hand, taking her face in my hands and kissing her at least once, brushing her gorgeous blonde hair back. I pictured holding her, keeping her warm.
"...but not really, you know?" She looked at me. "Lex." I barely heard her. " Lexa."
"Hmm?" I snapped out of my head. "Sorry, which?"
We were finally outside her door and I immediately wished we had more time together.
"Are you sure you're okay? You seem off." Her look of concern made me break a little inside but I smiled for her.
"I got to visit my favourite coffee shop and spend time with you. It's beautiful outside and it's my favourite season of the year. Of course I'm great. Only thing that would make this better is a cozy blanket and a movie." I joked.
"You know I do have plenty of blankets and tons of movies." She gestured to her front door. "You are always welcome to abuse comfy movie watching privileges, like you always do." The smile she gave me made me wish I was brave enough to just scoop her up and kiss her right there.
"As tempting as it sounds, I've gotta call it a night. I stupidly have work tomorrow. I couldn't get out of it." I lied.
"If you're really sure you're okay..." she continued to urge on. I knew I'd crack if I stayed any longer.
"I'm perfectly fine." My laugh was as fake as the reassuring smile I gave her. My chest tightened with every word. Of course I wanted to stay. Of course I wanted to cuddle up and watch a movie. Just not today. I don't think my little heart could handle it tonight. "Let's do a rain check. I'll come over next week." At least I had that to look forward to this week.
She sighed. "Okay you win," she smiled, "next week." She leaned in for a hug I was not prepared for. "Whatever it is, you can tell me, you know. You just look so sad." More than you know.
"Thank you." I whispered and squeezed her tight. "Don't worry about me, okay? It's nothing, really."
As she went on inside, she gave me a wave and I made my way home.
I sighed with a shaky breath. The once painful wracking in me had since dulled to a persistent ache. I felt it every time and it settled deeper and deeper, making me a little less brave every time I saw her. Some days I thought, today is the day. Other days, my mental capacity just can't take the onslaught of reminders othat she'd never love me back. Part of me is okay with that, really.
I was okay with it, right?