New One Shot! Could be a two parter but it came to me this way so had to type it up.
We're back to where Paige was in season 1. Not the angry McCullers but the girl that's hiding who she truely is. She may be friends with the one and only Emily Fields. But that's all she's ever going to let herself be... until she lets herself reaslise what could really be happening...
Paiges POV throughout... (Reviews always appreciated)
She's pressed so close, or rather I'm pressed close.
My head on her chest, her arm around me to hold me close and stop me slipping away.
It doesn't feel real as I gently place my hand flat, my forearm resting between her chest and fingertips lingering where her collar bones meet at the neckline of her shirt. It's a bold move and I know it. I can feel it. I can feel the nerves growing under my skin, prickling away and making my skin slowly burn.
But she doesn't move, doesn't even pause in her words.
She's talking to me, explaining something or narrating something. But I can no longer register her words. They're a content hum of dulcet tones, soothing me as I lay on my side, her on her back and feel the heat radiating between us.
This can't be real… but God I hope it is.
And then with a deep breath, I remember it clearly. I can exactly recall our walk from school after swim practice, our drive back to her place as I felt her glances turn my way. The way she opened her bedroom door and stood aside for me to enter first. It's not the first time I've been here, far from it. But something is always different when we're in her room. It's like the looks and pauses in our sentences are heightened and any underlying feelings are out there to be seen. To be misconstrued or what's worse, completely understood.
I tried to push that feeling lower today as we talked about nothing and everything, in the way we always seem to. Joking about friends and worrying about our workload. Complaining about how tough our training session was just an hour previous. And that's when it began. Playful and slow but it's the moment I realise lead me to lying here, in the very real arms of Emily Fields…
Rubbing my shoulders and craning my neck, I couldn't help but moan about the increase in our current workouts. She joked around, calling me unfit and saying maybe winning anchor this year would be easy… just to wind me up. It worked. As I tried to reply, she just giggled. And it's that laugh that is the second trigger. It's that laugh that makes all my buried feelings flood to the surface. The way her smile breaks across her face and shines through her eyes. The way even her words sound like they're floating on air as she giggles. She mocked me and I attempted to pout, failing miserably as her eyes locked with mine and a shiver ran under my skin, turning me hot and cold at the same time.
She laughed lightly once more as I looked away. I hoped she thought it was because I don't do well with teasing, because her knowing the real reasons would be so much worse. Her knowing the way my hands twitch to reach out and touch her, how my eyes search for her in every room and watch every movement she makes when I find her. The way my cheeks started to burn under the embarrassment of these feelings once again rising to the surface and how my stomach churned with such ferocity, that I was sure I'd be ill if I lost control…
"Common, take a load off of those worn out legs of yours…" she said as she suddenly took my hands and stepped closer.
She tucked her leg behind mine, stood only inches apart as she caught my gaze and brought it back to hers, for a second I thought she knew. She knew what I was thinking as I felt her hands in mine and I tentatively held back. And then she smiled again.
For a second I was lost.
Lost in the world that is Emily Fields. Her eyes, her hair, her smile, her skin and her laugh. Her heart.
The light hold though, suddenly tightened as she kicked in her leg behind mine and took my legs away from me. Holding on tighter too, she swiftly and easily lowered me down on to a fortunately placed chair shaped bean bag on her bedroom floor. And before I had any idea what was going on, I was sat quite comfy as she smirked and walked away to her dresser.
She continued busying herself as I sat and my eyes trailed over her body. Watching the way she moved and I allowed myself to acknowledge for just a second, how that makes me feel. Thankfully, just at that second she walked within touching distance and my heightened awareness of my own feelings caused me to act in a way I never usually would.
I reached out as she walked past, leant up and wrapped my arm around her waist. She stopped dead, giggling as I laughed too and pulled her down to the other side of me. She fell over my legs and ended up next to me as we laughed and she immediately settled in close. Something I was instantly aware of and as my worries about acting out so rashly boiled to the surface, her not reacting but settling in… kept me sat still next to her. Waiting for her next move.
She leant back further. Leant back into the bean bag as our shoulders brushed and she kept her gaze forward , her laughter lowering and a small smile formed over her cheeks as I realised I was still watching her.
"That's better…" I started, trying to begin my excuse for pulling her down but immediately blushed at my words before I hastily tied to cover it up. "… You were making me dizzy, all that running around". I added, turning my eyes away from her and her smile…
As I think about it now, about how I'm suddenly dreaming in the arm's I've longed to hold on to. Thinking about what happened next, how I forced myself to tear my eyes from her and looked away… I realise that right now, my eyes are closed. At some point during my little daydream, my eyes have closed, my breathing has slowed and I'm now closer to her than before.
I can slightly recall her words slowing and tailing off in the hazy fog her being so close. My heart starts to speed up again as my body wakes up and I feel her skin on mine. My skin on hers.
I'm now on my left side, pressed tight into her side as my head rests just below the crook of her neck, tucked in tight. I try to work out how it's possible we're lying like this but my skin shivers. Her finger tips trace light circles on my shoulder as I process her arm wrapped tight around me, pulling me into her side.
I try to slow my breathing down, noticing her chest slowly rising and falling beneath me and I don't for a second want to ruin whatever is happening right now. My eyes still heavy, I don't force them open, this position somehow lulling me back into a sleepy haze and my body is moving before I can control it. It's like as my brain has processed how I'm lying, my body has followed my heart and has snuggled closer, if that's even possible, whilst my brain is screaming at my limbs to stay still.
My leg drops lightly on top of hers as I turn into her more but as I realise my actions, I hear her hum lightly under her breath. She's content. Content, relaxed and possibly asleep but pulling me into her side none the less. I think I may literally happily die in this moment as my shuffle causes a waft of her perfume and shampoo to flow through me and I've never felt anything like it. I force myself not to let the screaming words in my head grow any louder than a whisper as I relish having her so close. It's now that I move my fingers, breathing deep I can't stop my hand moving and my fingertips lightly trace the neck line of her shirt. It happens yet again before I can even control it and it's not until I realise how my forearm is placed that I register how bad all of this is.
My forearm's lying centrally between her chest and although she hasn't even flinched as I feel her skin under my finger tips, my somehow autonomous action has brought those screaming voices shuddering to the front of my mind.
My heart is suddenly pounding in my ears and racing hard. I'm breathing deep and feel my hands start to shake. There's not a single part of me that truly wants to move but there's also now no way I can lay still any longer.
She must notice my change as she stirs and hums again, murmuring as she seems to wake although I'm still not hundred percent sure she was ever totally asleep. Her fingers once more trace over my bare shoulder, silently thanking my decision to wear a sleeveless shirt but now the screams are deafening loud.
The screams warning me to get up. To move. To leave and to never ever come back. My stomach churns and yet somehow I still haven't moved.
"Hmmm, you ok?" she whispers, sounding sleepy as she wraps her fingers lightly around my arm and I tense.
Hearing her speak suddenly throws what was left of this dream, completely into a nightmare as I go from blissfully content to outrageously uncomfortable in a matter of seconds.
"Er, yeah. Yeah I'm fine." I mutter quick, starting to move and cringing at the fact the only way I can get up is by pushing up slightly with my hand in between her chest.
If she didn't realise it was there before, she would now.
I don't even look at her to watch her response as I stand as quick as I can and walk away a little. Turning my back on her and mumbling something quick about being back in a sec. As I leave her room, my periphery shows she hasn't even moved. She's still laid back on the bag, arm stretched out to her side showing exactly how tight I was pulled into her side as the dent in the bag only adds to my embarrassment.
Shutting the bathroom door quick, I shake my head and rake my hands through my hair. I can't believe I let myself get that comfortable with her. That I let the feelings I've been ignoring for months now, burst to the front. Not only that, they were basically jumping out of me, in front of her and screaming 'I like you, I like you' straight in her face.
I shakily sigh as I sit on the edge of the bath tub and wish I was anywhere but here. And the worse thing is, I know later on that that moment is all I'm going to be able to think about. About how close we were, about how she was pulling me in close…. It happens every time. Every time we exchange what seems to me to be lingering looks, flirty words or touches that last just that second longer than they should.
But it can't happen. I can't let it happen.
That's her, not me.
I'm more than fine with who she is, but I can't be that way. She's my best friend and I know one thing that overrides everything else... I will forever hide my feelings because I cannot lose that. She's the only true friend I've got, the only true person I know.
The only true reason I ever feel happy.
I don't even let myself think about why she is the only one that makes me feel this way as I push it all back under the surface, wash my face with freezing water and quickly make my way out of the bathroom, ready to make my excuses and head straight home.
But when I re-enter her room, I know it's not going to be that simple. It's never been simple with us.
"Are you feeling better..?" she softly asks, a question that lingers with underlying suggestions as she turns slowly to face me, standing in the middle of her room.
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine but I'm going to have to go" I answer, low and barely audible. Refusing to look her way as I quickly pick up my bag and jacket.
I hear her sigh as I walk to her door. Noticing her fiddle with her hands as her head lowers and she leans against the foot of her bed. A wave of something passes though me as my feet stop. I know I can't leave whislt she's looking like that, looking so sad and somehow lost. But this is what I was scared of, I know it's my fault...
"Are… are you ok?" I all but whisper as she continues to keep her gaze low. She half smiles to the floor.
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine" she replies and I don't realise at the time but she repeats my words straight back to me.
I place my free hand on the door handle and sigh myself. My entire being torn between getting the hell out and knowing there's no way I'm leaving.
"Emily, you only ever say your fine when you're not" I say and she nods lightly.
"Yup, so do you" she replies slowly, looking to me just slightly before she sighs again and turn to her window seat.
The wave of guilt hits me. I knew I should have moved the second I woke up. I've pushed it too far and if she's anyway near realising how I truly feel, I've ruined it forever. But her pulling me close, her holding me... it's still at the front of my head as I drop my bag to the floor.
"Emily…" I breathe out as she slowly turns back to me and I'm moving before I can think.
Throwing my arms around her neck as soon as I reach her, I don't allow her time to stop me, to push me off. But it seems is wasn't needed as the second I'm with her, she wraps her arms around my waist and holds me just as tight as I'm holding her.
"I'm so sorry Em" I mumble into her shoulder, not knowing if it's the right thing to say but whether she knows how I feel or just thinks I took it too far by laying with her like that, it's what I need to say.
She shakes her head lightly and buries herself into my neck. It's not the reaction I expected as she breathes me in and I can only think that I've upset her more than I realised. She's holding me so tight though, it's like she doesn't want me to ever move away.
"You've got nothing to be sorry for" she says quietly before pausing, thinking about whether she should really continue, "…That's the whole point" she adds and my stomach drops.
It feels like I've fallen ten stories as suddenly it all flashes before my eyes. The way her glances linger, her words ringing with a flirtatious air and her touches lasting longer than they should. The way she held me closer and traced her fingertips over my skin. How she hummed at me moving closer and how she's holding me now…
I've been so scared and concentrated in pushing any feelings I may have for her deeper and deeper, that could I have missed it? Could she possibly like me?
She's been out to everyone for a while and it was only when she was so open to everyone that I truly realised how I felt, but knew I could never act on it. Not only would I be disowned by everyone I know, but she would never want that anyway. She's my best friend and nothing more.
But now, I'm not so sure.
I go to move, to pull back but she just holds on tighter and now it's her apologising.
"Emily why are you sorry?" I ask as I force myself back and hold her shoulders as she keeps her eyes to the floor.
"Because I know you don't want to talk about this or for me to know but I couldn't not lay with you like that and now you've freaked out and I've said things I shouldn't and I…"
"Emily." I interrupt and she snaps her eyes up to mine. "Em, what are you saying?"
"It, it doesn't matter." She mumbles but I can see her burying things back under the surface.
"No Em please, please just say it. Whatever it is, please". I say, needing to hear her say it.
"I think I know, and I do to. I mean, I just…"
"Em please" I plead as she looks to me and holds my eye line.
"I like you. And I think you like me too".
I can't help the choked laugh that falls from my mouth as my hands drop from her shoulders. Astonished doesn't even cover it.
But she immediately turns around. I suddenly realise how that must have looked. Me instantly letting her go and seemingly laughing at her admition.
"No Em, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that" I quickly say, placing my hand on her shoulder and I feel her tense as she keeps her back to me. "I just… I just never thought you'd know. Let alone say something like that…" I add as she turns back to me, my hand dropping to my side.
"What, you mean say I like you back?" she asks and a blush immediately creeps all over my skin. My eyes hit the floor instantly, unable to see the way she's looking at me.
The room suddenly feels tight around me and although if I'm honest, they're words I've always wished to hear from her… I have absolutely no idea how to react to them.
"Paige, it's ok". she says softly as she reaches out her hand. Palm facing up, fingers outstretched, she turns her hand to me and waits.
It's now or never.
I either step up and take a chance. See what happens and to heck with the consequences because it would be with her… or I back away and lose her completely.
I take a deep breath and realise I've always known what decision I would make if she ever asked, from the first time I saw her. I reach out and link my hand in hers. She slides her fingers through mine and our hands hang together between our bodies as we both look at them, noticing without a doubt how easily we fit together.
"See…. Perfect" she whispers and it brings my eyes back to hers. Eyes that I find already watching me as she smiles wide and I feel that for this moment at least, all the worries and fear I have sinks to the background as her shining eyes see straight through me.
"How did you know?" I ask lightly after what seems minutes of comfortable silence.
She smiles and pulls on my hand a little. Adrenaline suddenly shoots through my body as I take a step closer to her and see the fire burning behind her eyes. She raises her free hand to my neck and her smile grows.
"Because I know you" she answers softly and I can't help but smile, looking down to the floor as she giggles lightly.
She nudges our hands a little and I lift my eyes back to hers. And I know this is it. This is how it's meant to be. This is how I'm meant to feel.
"Yeah… you know me" I agree, whispered with a smile….
I'd dreamt it once. Dreamt it and saw her leaning in, seeing it happen as if I was watching it from afar. But being in it, being present and consciously moving in with her. Not letting her be the only one to take that step forward, it doesn't even compare.
I watch as her eyes lower to my lips and feel the wave of excitement flow through my veins as she leans in just slightly. Looking back to me as if to make sure it's ok, and that's when I lean in too. Looking down and coming together, in an instant her lips are on mine and it's electric. Unconquerable how one touch can feel so powerful, but as she presses her lips into mine, I know nothing else has ever felt this way. My free hand grips onto our linked hands as she holds me close and I take the encouragement to capture her bottom lip between mine, kissing her just as soft as she kisses me. She hums into my lips just as she had hummed into my side and it's a sound I'll never get bored of hearing.
Pulling each other close, the rest of the world slipping away, I know this is it.
This is how it's meant to be. How I'm meant to feel.
And nothing else'll every compare.