A/N: So I noticed the complete lack of ace-aro!raphael fic out there, which made me a bit sad so I decided to change that! Cassandra Clare once tweeted that she considered Raphael to be asexual and I think she may have said aromantic too, and ever since finding this out I've wanted something that at least addresses it. I myself identify as asexual, so having a character in my fave series that could canonically be ace is a huge deal for me, so I hope I've done this whole thing justice.
Asexuality and aromanticness (?) are both spectrums so everyone's experiences with it are different. This is just one way someone might identify as aro ace, and I hope that you enjoy it!
Please let me know what you thought!
December 1990
Magnus Bane lounged around on the couch in his apartment, the cold raging on outside as he sat by the fire.
He was curled up on the sofa, a book in one of the demon languages in his lap and a glass of wine in his hand. He was taking a night just to spend in his own company in his own house, enjoying the quiet time in his ridiculously hectic life of parties and clients.
There was a smattering of snow hitting the window from outside, and Magnus got a warm little feeling from being snug and cosy whilst the snow and ice blew around his little bubble.
Needless to say, Magnus certainly wasn't expecting visitors, so when the bell rang he was more than a little surprised. Having planned an evening of little distractions and interaction, he was severely tempted to just ignore the incessant ringing and pretend not to be home, but his curiosity won out and in the end he found himself opening the door.
Raphael Santiago was the last person Magnus would've guessed to be hanging around in his doorway, but he'd concluded over the many years he'd been living not to be too surprised by anything. After all, he'd learnt that people were by far the most unpredictable things one would ever encounter.
"Raphael," Magnus welcomed, "what brings you here on a cold, Tuesday evening?"
The shorter vampire, who had never been one for many pleasantries, stepped inside without saying a word, making Magnus wonder absently why the myth of vampires having to be invited into a building wasn't true. It would certainly be a useful trick if it was, as in circumstances like this is might prevent unnecessary rudeness. And besides, it would be hilarious to watch Raphael linger at his doorstep in the cold, unable to gain entry to Magnus's home.
In reality, however, Magnus simply had to stand back as Raphael stalked into his home, and sat down on the sofa where he had just been.
"The Circle has been making more trouble," said Raphael bluntly. "Targeting Downworlders, killing them for the hell of it even if they're totally innocent in terms of the Accords. These Shadowhunters are becoming more than a pesky little problem, Magnus."
"Straight to it then?" Raphael gave him a withering look, and he knew that perhaps this wasn't the time for jokes. "I know. I had a run in with them a few months ago, they were torturing werewolf children for god's sake. I went to the Shadowhunters about it, but I realise how serious this is getting."
Raphael lent back on the couch. "The vampire clan is willing to make deals with you and other Downworlders on this issue. We all need to show some sort of solidarity if we are to seriously eliminate the Circle."
Magnus joined him on the couch, a little envious that Raphael had taken the best seat by the fire, but he kept his mind focused on the topic. This had been something Magnus had been considering since his last run in with the Circle, and he knew that it was issue all of Downworld was facing. Raphael was right; the best way to combat the issue was to work together.
"Loathe as I am to admit it, you're right. We do need to work together, because it seems that the Circle is senselessly targeting Downworlders, no matter what kind they are."
The rest of the conversation was entirely serious, which was almost unusual for Magnus these days. It was almost refreshing, because part of the reason he'd decided to stay in New York was to protect it better from threats like the Circle, and he felt like he was finally taking some action in the right direction.
When some form of decisions had been reached, Magnus reclined on the couch, secretly quite proud of the progress that they'd made. And the two of them had managed to be serious and not even insult each other the entire time, so he figured that it had definitely been a successful meeting.
However he simply couldn't part without a little banter with the vampire, who Magnus knew well enough to be entirely cynical and sarcastic.
"So, Raphael," he began.
"What, Bane? I know that voice, and you're definitely about to be infinitely annoying."
Mock-pouting, Magnus clutched his heart. "You wound me, Santiago. You really do."
Sighing and seemingly resigning himself to his fate, Raphael looked over at him. "Well go on then. I don't want to drag this excruciating ordeal on any longer than it has to."
He grinned and leant forward. "How's your love life going? I saw Lily recently, and I can tell that she's head over heels for you. What's the gossip there?"
Magnus had expected Raphael to come back with a snappy retort, as he usually did, but instead he paled and stiffened. There were gears turning in Raphael's head that Magnus didn't really understand. Clearly he'd unknowingly touched on a sensitive subject for Raphael.
"There's nothing going on there," whispered Raphael, his voice uncharacteristically soft, raw emotion in it. "Nothing at all."
It had been a light tease, but now Magnus was almost concerned for his young friend. Despite their prickly relationship, he had grown to consider Raphael his friend in a weird sort of way. "Sorry if I touched on a sensitive topic. I didn't mean to."
Raphael let out a breath, which since he was technically dead was clearly for emphasis than for necessity. It was a little shaky.
"It's not your fault Bane. You couldn't know what I've been feeling about this."
There was more behind the story, and both of them knew it. Normally, Magnus would've pried for more information, but the look on Raphael's face told him that if he didn't approach this lightly, he would likely end up being punched in the face.
Raphael leaned back, appearing a little frustrated. "I don't know why I should tell you this, I don't. I don't know why I'm even considering telling you anything."
"Perhaps because I'm an innately trustworthy person?" he suggested, which earned him a look that suggested Raphael though otherwise. "But seriously, you don't owe me anything. You don't have to tell me anything, I was just looking to pry. Though if you want to, I'll sit here and I'll listen and I'll offer you support. Contrary to what you might think, I would like to think of myself as a decent person."
There was a silence in which Raphael seemed to be mulling things over, which Magnus knew wasn't his to break. It may have been a bit awkward, but he was immortal and was going to sit through many awkward silences in his long life time.
Eventually, Raphael said, "Fuck it. I think sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who you're not so close to anyway."
This was so unusual that Magnus didn't know what to expect. Raphael had never talked about any kind of personal subject with him before, it had always been either business or jokes between the two of them. Now all of a sudden it seemed as though Raphael was going to unburden some secrets about his love life or something, and Magnus was mostly just surprised at how the evening had panned out.
"I just…I want to be able to reciprocate her feelings, I do. She's a great girl, but I just don't…feel anything. I never have, not for anyone. I've been around all these years, and I've never felt anything, romantically or otherwise. Nothing stronger than platonic affection."
This was…not what Magnus was expecting. He wasn't really sure what he had been expecting if he was honest, but it wasn't this.
There was a pause, and then it seemed like because he had started he couldn't stop. Words were tumbling out of his mouth now, and Magnus didn't want to stop him now. "I keep thinking that there's something wrong with me. It's not even like I just don't like Lily in that way. I've never looked at anyone romantically or…" If the tanned vampire could blush, Magnus was sure his face would be going red by now. "Or sexually. Never had a crush, never wanted anyone. It's like a part of me that comes naturally to everyone is just missing. It's like I'm broken somehow."
His voice was so hollow, it was so resigned that Magnus had an odd urge to give the younger man a hug.
But at the same time he was also a bit lost for words. This was clearly something that had been weighing Raphael down for god knows how long, and it was also. Something that Magnus couldn't relate to. He didn't know what words would be right for the situation, but he was speaking anyway, words tumbling out of his mouth because he knew that was the right thing to do, that he needed to fill this silence.
He knew what it was like to feel broken, to feel like a monster in more ways than one. It was the most awful feeling, and it had taken Magnus a long time to accept and embrace himself, and he was so much happier having done it. He could see how much Raphael was struggling just from looking into his eyes and it saddened him so much to his friend like this.
"I can't pretend to know the feeling, but whatever it is, you're not broken, Raphael. I can guarantee you that. I fall in and out of love possibly too easily for my own good, but that doesn't mean that you have to be like me. People work differently, and your feelings are equally as valid even if you aren't feeling anything. Have you considered that maybe your trying to find feelings for the wrong gender? I know that discovering I could like guys as well as girls was hard for me to accept and realise at first."
Raphael sighed again. "I've considered it. I've considered everything, and nothing adds up. I just feel…nothing. I have no desire to have a romantic relationship, or sex or anything really, no matter the person or their gender. I hear about love and sex and how amazing it all is, but not to me. I don't…It's just…"
Words seemed to be failing him a little, and Magnus could tell how hard it must be for Raphael to try to voice this. Clearly he'd not talked about it with anyone, and Magnus happened to be here and to have kind of brought it up, so he wasn't planning it or anything.
"Raphael, everyone is entitled to feel or not feel whatever the hell they want. You shouldn't try and force anything, and you should never feel bad for it. Lily will get over it, and besides, if this is how you feel you shouldn't feel bad or wrong about it. Your feelings could change tomorrow, but equally they could stay the same for the rest of your life, and whatever happens is fine, honestly. I'm never going to be here to judge you or tell you what you're feeling is wrong, because it's not. If you don't feel any kind of attraction to anyone that's perfectly valid, and I'm sure that you're not alone."
Magnus could see the gratitude in the other man's eyes for his words, and he was just happy that he's said vaguely the right thing. He'd meant every word, and he wanted Raphael to know that he was being sincere.
"Thank you, Magnus. Who would've known someone as annoying as you would be so good at giving advice?" His tone was amused in almost a dark way.
"It's the advantage of being alive all these years. Advice giving becomes a skill that you're good at no matter what. Whether it's good advice or not is another question, but I do try."
They shared a small smile, and Magnus was glad that he'd done something good. When Raphael had waltzed into his apartment neither of them had expected that they would end up here. Raphael had ended up laying down his heart, and Magnus had been there to listen, even though it wasn't what he had thought he was going to get when he'd brought up the subject.
"I'm always here you know." He glanced over at the vampire, at the age behind that young face. He'd never stop seeing Raphael as someone who he'd seen going through those first struggles of becoming an immortal, and now all these years later it was hard not to remember that child he'd first met. "If you ever want to talk about any of this. We may not be the best of friends or whatever, but sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who you're not as close with. I'll be here."
There was a small silence, and then Raphael whispered, "I know." It was quiet, and there were many thoughts being turned over in his mind but Magnus didn't say anything else. He let the younger man have his thoughts, and he didn't interrupt even when the silence got a bit awkward, because he knew that the best thing he could do now was leave Raphael to figure things out for himself.
And when he was ready, they both spoke again. The subject had been changed, but neither of them forgot what had been said.
May 2007
Pale sunlight filtered through the window of the Brooklyn apartment in which Magnus Bane was currently in the middle of the extremely important process of choosing the right outfit to wear to the party he was attending that evening.
As always, it was a painstaking decision, but when the buzzer sounded he was virtually done anyway so he let whoever it was up without too much anger or thought.
Once more, having Raphael Santiago on his doorstep was certainly unexpected, though not unwelcome. The shorter man barrelled his way into Magnus's apartment, taking in the décor with something that was ambiguously either mild interest or mild disdain, although which one it was Magnus couldn't pinpoint.
"Oh please do come in, Raphael," he drawled, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
Raphael grinned. "Why thank you, Magnus."
"Damn, now I feel as though I should actually be welcoming. I would offer food, but I know you can't have it, and unfortunately I have no blood available."
"Well, you've never been that hospitable before, so I'm fine."
The smirk that had filled Raphael's face fell a little, but he maintained his relaxed vibes and sat down on the sofa. The memories of the last time the two of them had been in this situation came crashing back into Magnus's mind. It had been years since then, and the two of them had never brought the topic up again. Magnus had figured that if Raphael wanted someone to talk with about it, he would've come to him if he'd wanted to. They'd never had the opportunity to talk again anyway, always seeing each other when other people had been present.
So the question as to why Raphael was here know prayed on his mind almost immediately. It could be totally unrelated, but something told him that finally after all these years, the topic would be brought up again.
Magnus joined Raphael on the couch, lounging back. "Why are you here, Raphael? Your company is not necessarily unwelcome, but knowing you there would be a reason for you coming here."
"I just...Thought I should tell you something. I know I'm not obligated to or anything, but I've been mulling over it, and you ended up being the first person I spilled my heart to, for some reason. You always seem to be there when I need someone, annoyingly."
"Complimentary, as always."
A smile lit up Raphael's face again, and his tone lightened. "Shut up for a few minutes, Bane, and hear what I have to say. I was going to carry on and say that you're actually a great listener, but I don't think I will now."
The complement was a huge deal, coming from Raphael. He glowed a little inside, wanting to break out into an irrational grin.
"I'm sorry, please do carry on. I do want to hear what you have to say, and I promise that I'll be quiet and let you speak. I did say back then that you could always talk to me about anything."
The younger man raked his hand through his dark hair and took in a deep breath before carrying on. "My feelings never changed, and I don't think that they will anytime soon. I still haven't really ever experienced any form of attraction towards anyone, either romantically or sexually."
"Okay," said Magnus. "That's okay. I mean, your feelings are still equally valid."
"I've talked about it all with Ragnor a few times," said Raphael, reminding Magnus that Ragnor and Raphael were actually really quite close friends. He'd always considered Ragnor to be essentially his long-term best friend, along with Catarina, so he sometimes forgot that Ragnor had other friends, like Raphael. The pair of them together were deadly in their making fun of him, but they were also seemingly very close. He considered Raphael a friend, but he didn't know if that feeling was even mutual, and he knew that even if it was they weren't particularly close.
"And I've sat on it for a while, and it's still not changed. I've not had any words for it though, not until now."
"You found a word to describe it?" He knew that it was still hard to find words that fit sometimes. He had been comfortable with the bisexual label for a while, but a lot of people didn't know what it meant or accepted it. And he had spent even longer than Raphael had knowing his feelings but not having just one, single word to describe it.
Raphael nodded. "I came across it I think in a book somewhere, and the internet is a great place, and once I'd read a little bit I couldn't stop." He smiled a little. "I think that I'm asexual and aromantic. Asexual is not feeling any sexual attraction, and aromantic is not feeling any romantic. It's not the same as not wanting sex or romance, but it's the lack of the attraction in the first place. They're both spectrums so the feelings are different for everyone, but for me I don't find myself attracted to anyone, and any feelings stronger than platonic don't seem to compute in my head. I just…almost couldn't believe that there were other people out there that felt even vaguely similar to what I do. It's kind of an amazing feeling."
He let the words fly out, and his eyes were glinting with almost excitement. The discovery of a word that describes the exact feelings he'd been experiencing had clearly been liberating for Raphael, and that made Magnus so glad. The first time he'd talked about it he'd been worried and blaming himself and confused, but now he seemed a lot more comfortable with it all.
Sometimes labels could be worrying and confining, but they could equally be a relief to finally have a way to describe these feelings. For Magnus, labels hadn't been too much an issue, but for Raphael it meant a bit more. The smile on his face gave it away like an open book.
Truthfully, Magnus had heard of neither of the terms before, but that didn't matter. A lot of people hadn't heard of bisexuality but that didn't mean that it was any less real, and what really mattered was that it fit for Raphael.
"That's so great," Magnus said, and he did truly mean it. "I told you that your feelings were valid. You're not broken, and you're not alone, and if you feel happy with these labels then that's amazing."
The smile was infectious, because Magnus found himself smiling too.
"I know. I'm happy with it, and I'm happy that I don't have to struggle with my lack of attraction anymore. It's almost a weird feeling, but I'm happy."
Happiness was surprisingly rare in this life, but Magnus was genuinely happy for Raphael too.
The two of them would likely go back to being snarky and sarcastic the next time they saw each other, but for that time they were open and real. Raphael was practically glowing, which was something Magnus had never seen in him before. Determination and strength and courage, sure, he'd shown that in bucket loads. But this sort of glee was new, and it was great to see him so comfortable with something that had troubled him that it was causing these emotions.
When he left a little while later, Magnus said goodbye surprisingly delighted that his friend had learnt to accept himself, and that he could now be content with himself for the rest of his long life.
It was a piece of knowledge that he felt truly privileged to have been deemed worthy to share with, considering how important it was to Raphael. He made a promise to himself to research the terms asexual and aromantic, simply so he would understand a little better what they actually meant, and went back to getting ready with a smile lingering on his face.
A/N: find me on tumblr harvnanase