Title: Evil conspiracies aren't as fun as you think!
Rating: PG? Again, I have no clue. This has the word 'damn' in it for any of you Puritans out there reading this. And there's also a toilet humor joke of sorts.
Genre: humor/crackfic
Disclaimer: I don't own PB and I'm not making any money off this.
Summary: Caroline Reynolds, aka the Evil VP who is now just the P, is engaged to Paul Kellerman, aka the Evil Guy in a Black Suit who runs around doing the conspiracy stuff. But Paul is not happy w/his evil fiancé spending all her time on her evil conspiracy and Caroline is even unhappier. What are they going to do?
Note: The crackfic is back, baby! Blame this one on someone at the PB TWOP boards asking if there's any Caroline/Kellerman fic out there, and also on the back-to-back episodes of American Dad and Family Guy I just watched. I wrote this because I feel silly so it's just a plus (but a very nice plus) if people read and review. Again, like with my other fics, do NOT expect any reality from this!
Paul Kellerman sat in the one of the rooms of the White House. He had no more conspiracy leaks to kill. He'd eaten all his beef jerky out of sheer boredom (though it had been very tasty, especially the teriyaki kind). And as usual, Caroline was off being EVIL in her office and had asked not to be disturbed.
Paul sighed in frustration. When he and Caroline first got engaged, it had been great. No stupid Evil conspiracy to bother with! No running around after Lincoln Burrows or feeding Steadman Gerber's baby food. But ever since Caroline killed the old P and Lincoln Burrows escaped, Caroline had become an Evil overworking machine! Damn it! Paul had no idea how to deal with it. It's not like there were books in the pop psychology section titled How to Deal With Your Evil Fiance (Who is Now the President of the Country and Trying To Control the Conspiracy Behind Her So-Called "Dead" Toothless Brother) For Dummies. Paul knew that. He tried to ask the clerk at the local Borders for that title and only got a really weird out look in response.
Paul sighed mournfully. This was supposed to be such a happy time for them! They were supposed to have conversations about where they were going to go for their honeymoon, not about whether if pureed lima beans would give Steadman so much gas that he'd fart and give away the fact that he wasn't dead after all.
He was going to have to talk to her, Paul decided. Overworking wasn't good, even if you had an evil conspiracy to run.
Paul cautiously went to Caroline's office and knocked on the door. "Caroline?" he called out hesitantly. Hearing no response, he slowly opened the door and stepped inside.
Caroline had been working furiously. Apparently she'd falled asleep at her desk again for the fourth time in a week. One side of her hair looked hole-punched. She did NOT look happy. Especially at Paul. Paul shrank back in fear catching the glowering look on her face.
"Um, honey, I just wanted to ask if you wanted to go see Snakes on a Plane! with me," stammered Paul.
The glare did not fade from Caroline's eyes. "Sweetiekins?" Caroline asked in a very meanly sweet voice. Uh oh. Busted!
"Yes…" whimpered Paul.
"Let me ask you something…can you read?" Caroline's voice got steelier with every word.
"Well, of course, lovie-wuvie," said Paul as he pointed to the Hooked on Phonics t-shirt he wore (Caroline had given it to him for Christmas).
"Well then, did you somehow miss the Do Not Disturb sign that I put ON MY DOOR!" yelled Caroline.
"Oh baby, no no, I didn't, I swear! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know how stressed out you are!" Paul rushed forward to placate his obviously stressed (but still very Evil) fiancé. "It's just that you've been working so hard and you never have time for anything else anymore! I just thought we'd go out and have some fun, that's all!"
"I don't have time for fun!" wailed Caroline. She sounded practically hysterical. "I'm in charge of an evil conspiracy, you moron! Do you think it's easy to pull out 36 teeth with tweezers and then superglue them all back in place! You try it sometime! Now get out of my office and let me get back to my work! And get me a Three Musketeers bar!"
"Yes, darling, right away," gulped Paul. "Can I get you some Midol too, um I mean, would you like anything to drink wi-" WHAM! His sentence was abruptly cut off as Caroline threw a heavy copy of Evil: You Have to Work At It right at him. He ran out of the room and shut the door behind him as fast as he could.
Close to tears still in her office, Caroline buried her head in her arms. She had no idea how to deal with her situation. Lincoln Burrows and Michael Scofield were still running around alive and that crazy Governor Tancredi wouldn't leave her alone just because she promised she'd make him VP. And if that all weren't bad enough…Caroline was starting to find that Agent Mahone guy (who was chasing the Fox River fugitives) kind of hot…hmm…
Caroline picked up the phone on her own, private secure line and dialed a number. "Hello, FBI? Hi, this is the President. Yeah, do you think that hot Agent Mahone guy might want to go see a movie tonight? I have free passes for Snakes on a Plane…"
Note: Thanks for reading my crazy fic! If I feel inspired again (and if people like this chapter) I may write a sequel: will Caroline really cheat on Kellerman? Does Agent Mahone want to see Snakes on a Plane? Will Wentworth Miller finally marry me? Oops, never mind that last one.