Author's Note: pls don't take this seriously i probably coulda made it wittier or arranged kakashi's rant better but nah
i just needed to get this outta my system because why can't this series just end already omg

Also the original title of this piece was "Hey, Sasuke? FUCK YOU." except anon reminded me about the whole K-rated titles so I changed it. My apologies to any children who may have seen that for the 5min it was up l-lol orz

"But first…" Sasuke glowered, shadows looming ominously over his face as he prepared to fuck everybody over with his next words, "I'm going to execute the five Kages that are still inside the Infinite Tsukuyomi."

For some reason, Sakura appears to be clueless upon hearing this statement, like it doesn't register that Sasuke is a complete asshole who always needs somebody to kill, because fuck, what else can he do at this point? Just not be a complete douche canoe? Yeah, right.

Naruto is silent. He stares intently at the guy he still calls his best friend, but maybe just this once, he's thinking that maybe it's time to just kill this Uchiha drama queen and get everything the fuck over with, because it's his birthday and frankly, it's been way worse than all the times he celebrated alone during his lonely childhood. Like, way worse.

The Sage of Six Paths stares at this child of the future – the one that Naruto just said isn't anything like Indra, but turns out just always wants to pick a fight like Indra anyway – with what appears to be uncertainty, like he's just waiting to see what happens. Despite being an all-powerful being, he does nothing to appease the situation like, say kill Sasuke before he can control all the bijuu with his crazy eyes and extend the battle that was supposed to have ended by now.

Kakashi is…

…

…shocked, to say the least.

It takes a moment for his student's words to sink in, though at this point, the fact that Sasuke is talking about killing somebody shouldn't surprise him anymore. Kakashi's heard it hundreds of times, but this time…

…This time, he isn't just gonna let it go so easily.

"…What exactly did you just say…Sasuke?" He asks, but knows very well what this little asshole just said.

"And on top of that…" Sasuke continues, flaring his Sharinnegan eyes in that way he always does when he uses his dojutsu, "Tailed beasts…I'm going to place you all under…my control!"

"NO."

All eyes turn towards the masked jounin, who looks ready to burst a vein.

"HELL NO." He says even louder, taking everybody by surprise.

"Don't try to stop me, Kakashi—" Sasuke starts, but is immediately cut off by a loud—

"FUCK YOU."

Kakashi storms up to the Uchiha. Sakura and Naruto clear the way, taken aback by the killing intent their sensei was giving off.

"I am not going to deal with this crap. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever! No more trying to take over the world!" He yells, jabbing his index finger into Sasuke's chest. "We just fought against the Mother of All Chakra and a giant chakra monster and crossed like, eighty dimensions! I lost my Sharingan! I saw my best friend and my sensei die, again!" He throws his arms into the air as he says this, ready to bring them down with enough force to knock Sasuke's head off the uncooked noodle he calls a neck.

"I've lost everybody I ever loved or cared about, and right when I thought things were getting better with Team Seven, Jiraiya runs off with Naruto, Sakura goes gallivanting with Tsunade, and this fucking asshole goes to Orochimaru! Are all Uchiha like this?! I was Itachi's senpai in ANBU, you know, and then he goes and kills his entire fucking clan! Sure, it was a mission, but fuck if I knew that at the time!"

"K-Kakashi-sensei—"

"I'M NOT DONE YET YOU OBNOXIOUS ORANGE FUCK." He yells, spinning around to gesture wildly at the getup he's been sick of since the moment he first laid eyes on it. "I have literally been to purgatory and back! I've killed my own teammate and with the same hand, impaled my psychotic best friend, and when he finally gets his fucking shit together and dies again, his last words weren't even to me, but to you!"

Kakashi points viciously at Naruto as a snarl hisses through his mask.

"I have suffered through too much to be expected to deal with any more of this shit. You inelegant potato skins can deal with Sasuke's titty-fitty on your own, 'cause I'm done trying to talk sense into his avian-ass hair! I just wanna go home, take a shower, read some porn, and go the fuck to sleep."

"But Sensei, what about the threat to-!"

"NOPE. Naruto has like, a million super forms up his sleeves. You don't need me so long as he keeps getting decked the fuck out with chakra steroids and absorbs every other demon's chakra on the planet. Hatake motherfucking Kakashi is outta here."

With that, Kakashi throws his arms up in a final gesture of FUCK YOU GUYS, I'M BLOWING THIS POPSCICLE STAND and sashays into the distance, leaving the fate of the world in the hands of somebody who can still give a single fuck – namely, anybody who wasn't him.

THE END.

End Notes: And so Hatake Kakashi retired and moved to a tropical island where he spent the rest of his days enjoying a long-deserved vacation.

...Until the world was destroyed because he wasn't there to help save it god fucking dammit Kakashi.