Repost!author's note: So I'm reposting this... thing on my crackfic account. I wrote this about a year ago when fanfiction was just a silly thing I did to amuse my friends instead of a real hobby, and I deleted it from my real account when I got into writing serious stories.
Anyway, it's back. Be warned, as this fic is crack and contains copious amounts of manliness, deliberate out-of-characterness, and the worst, most inaccurate sex scene that I can remember writing.
Enjoy!
Author's note: this is dedicated to my brilliant friend FilleMortician. (Whether having this sort of thing dedicated to you is a good thing or not is really a matter of opinion…) Anyway, this fic is crazy crossover crack, and is rated M for Manliness and also for profanity and Manlisle's sensual escapades with China which will occur in later chapters. Certain characters are severely OOC. Everyone else is just mildly OOC.
Just so you're clear on who the characters are, here's a handy dandy list of who is who:
Manlisle = Manly!Carlisle
Mansper = Manly!Jasper
Femward = Feminine!Edward
Manlisle sighed as the chainsaw that he was using to saw through a massive tree trunk spluttered and stopped working.
"It's probably intimidated by my sexy buff manliness," said Manlisle, "and it refuses to keep working because I'm so much more manly that it."
"I think it actually ran out of fuel," said Manlisle's not-quite-as-manly-but-still-pretty-manly son Mansper.
"Chainsaws do not run on fuel, Mansper. They run on the manly pheromones that I exude from my buff manly body," said Manlisle.
"I'm pretty sure that's not how chainsaws work at all," said Mansper.
"Maybe it's not how silly little girly chainsaws work, but it's how mansaws such as my enormous mansaw work!" said Manlisle.
"When you say enormous mansaw it gives me really bad mental images, dad. But no, let me go grab some oil so you can continue felling this pathetic tree that is no match for your manliness," said Mansper, grabbing the can of oil, only to find that it was empty.
"It's empty!" Mansper stated, for unlike you, the reader, Manlisle didn't have a helpful narrator to tell him that it was empty.
"Oh no! How will I ever chop down this tree without my humongous mansaw?" asked Manlisle.
"Stop saying things like that, you know that I have a very dirty mind and misinterpret innocent comments about your humongous mansaw," said Mansper.
"Shut the fuck up, Mansper! While you were whining like a weak womanly warthog, I was coming up with a solution to this very unmanly problem using my mantelligence," said Manlisle.
"Yes? And what is this said solution, mandaddy?" asked Mansper.
"I WILL HAVE TO USE MY MANSTRENGTH!" said Manlisle.
"Not your manstrength! You need to conserve that for sexually satisfying your uke during mansex!" said Mansper.
"Fool! I have enough manstrength for mansex and manly tree chopping!" said Manlisle.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Mansper, not willing to believe that such manstrength could exist inside one man, even a manly man like his mandaddy Manlisle.
"YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!" cried Manlisle, grabbing the massive tree trunk with his muscular arms and splitting it in half down the middle, ending its days as a remarkable piece of nature — but Manlisle was not yet finished with this pathetic unmanly tree, oh no. He ripped both halves of the tree out of the ground and smashed them together — a move that would have drained the manstrength of a lesser man, but Manlisle was certainly not a lesser man. He pounded the terrible tree-halves together until they were reduced to sawdust that gently snowed down upon Manlisle and Mansper like confetti.
"WHOOOAAAAA!" cried Mansper, in awe of Manlisle's impressive manstrength.
"I believe I have sufficiently taught that bitch tree not to mess with a manly man such as myself!" said Manlisle, taking off his sawdust-covered shirt to reveal his muscular manly chest.
"Wait a second," said Mansper, "weren't you chopping that tree down so you could use it as firewood? Now you've gone and turned it to dust which sort of defeats the purpose."
"NO MANSPER, YOU FOOL! Well, actually I was planning on using that tree for firewood, so YES MANSPER, YOU FOOL! But that wasn't my only purpose in felling that tree. I'm actually going to clear a clearing in the woods which will serve as an arena for manfights!" said Manlisle.
"What are manfights? We use so many manwords that I'm starting to get manfused to what we're talking about half the time," said Mansper.
"LOOK IT UP IN THE MANTIONARY, YOU LITTLE WHORE! It's right between manfigs and manfucking!" hollered Manlisle.
Mansper grabbed the mantionary out of Manlisle's manbag and flipped to page 187.
"Manfig. Noun. Just like regular figs, but extra manly. Wait, that's the wrong entry… ah, here it is. Manfight. Noun. A fight of manliness between two or more manly men. Verb. The act of fighting while simultaneously being a manly man. Manfucking. Noun. When… actually, no, I don't want to know about manfucking," said Mansper.
"It's quite similar to mansex, but the difference is—"
"I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT TO KNOW, MANFATHER!" said Mansper. It was true; Mansper most certainly did not want to know about the sort of things that Manlisle got up to when Mansper wasn't around. He was pretty sure that most of those things were too erotic to have entries in the mantionary.
"Okay, Mansper. You don't need to know what you're missing out on. But now I'm covered in sawdust, which is most troubling. I will have to take the rest of my manclothes off and wash myself clean in the river. Care to join me, son?" asked Manlisle.
"No, I think I might just go home and take a nice hot shower," said Mansper.
"Is that because you're too wimpy to go in the cold water, or because you're embarrassed about being naked next to a buff manly man such as myself because you could never compare to my manly buffness?" asked Manlisle.
"Um… neither, actually," said Mansper.
"If you say so. Auf wiedersehen, Mansper!" said Manlisle.
"What did you just say?" asked Mansper.
"Auf wiedersehen. It's German for goodbye. German is a much manlier language than English. Anything you say in German, you say with manly anger! ICH LIEBE DICH, MEIN SOHN! See, that sounded like an offensive manly insult, but I was actually just telling you that I love you," said Manlisle.
"Awww, I love you too, dad," said Mansper.
"DON'T SAY IT IN ENGLISH! It makes you sound like a pussy," said Manlisle.
"Righto. I'll be leaving now," said Mansper.
"Do svidaniya!" exclaimed Manlisle.
"More German?" asked Mansper.
"No, that was Russian. Russian is also a very manly language," said Manlisle.
"Okay. Au revoir, Manlisle!" said Mansper.
"FRENCH IS NOT A MANLY LANGUAGE AT ALL!" screamed Manlisle, hitting Mansper around the head with the empty can of oil.
"AAAAAAH! But French is sexy!" said Mansper.
"IT MAY BE SEXY, BUT IT'S NOT MANSEXY!" yelled Manlisle.
"Ahhhhh! Okay! I'm going now!" said Mansper, running away.
Once Mansper was gone, Manlisle stripped down to his undies, which were actually a pair of rather unmanly pink frilly panties.
"REAL MEN WEAR PINK FRILLY PANTIES!" roared Manlisle, as if he had just heard an omnipresent narrator insulting his pink frilly panties. Which he hadn't, of course. That would just be silly.
Manlisle, now sick of the sawdust in his hair and all over his body, jumped into the freezing cold river, and began washing the sawdust off his manly figure. If someone had been watching they would have seen the cool, clear water dripping sensually from Manlisle's manly chest. In actual fact, somebody was watching. On the branch of a nearby tree sat a small bird, but it wasn't just any small bird — in fact, it wasn't a bird at all, but a videocamera skilfully disguised as a bird. Far away in his underground lair, Femward was watching the live video feed from the bird-camera, envious of Manlisle's sexy body and fabulous pink panties.
"I would like panties like those," said Femward, "AND I SHALL HAVE THEM TOO! I SHALL HAVE THEM WHEN MY WONDERFULLY FEMININE WOMANLY PLAN IS COMPLETE!"
"You're not actually a woman, though," said Femward's sister, Alice, who was tied to a chair nearby, as Femward had kidnapped her for the sake of his nefarious plan.
"SHUT UP, ALICE! I know that I'm not a woman. You don't have to be a woman to be feminine and womanly, you know," said Femward.
"Can you untie me? I promise I won't try to escape again," said Alice.
"NO I CANNOT! Why? BECAUSE ONLY A STUPID PRISONER WOULDN'T TRY TO ESCAPE, AND YOU, SISTER, ARE NOT STUPID!" shrieked Femward.
"Owww, my ears! See, if you'd at least free my arms I'd be able to cover my ears when you start screaming like a girl," said Alice.
"I LIKE SCREAMING LIKE I GIRL! AND I'LL SCREAM LIKE A GIRL ALL I WANT WHEN MY PLAN IS PUT INTO ACTION!" said Femward.
"Yes, yes, your plan. You keep mentioning that but you never explain what it is. Since I haven't had any visions about it, I can't figure out what it is myself either, so it's kind of worrying," said Alice.
"Yes, well… YOU WILL FIND OUT IN DUE TIME, DEAR SISTER! YOU WILL FIND OUT… WHEN THE PLAN IS PUT INTO ACTION! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" laughed Femward. Alice just shook her head and hoped that she'd be able to escape and warn Manlisle, Mansper and everyone else that Femward had a devious plan — although what the plan consisted of, she had no idea.