Summary: Peyton writes a letter to her mother. One parter.
Notes: There's some bad language and a small bit of not so nice parts concerning religious matters, so beware if that offends you.
Rating: PG-13
Please read and review!
Thanks -
Lisa
Dear Mom -
I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried everything that I know to do and nothing seems to turn out the way I plan. I figured if anyone knew about that it was you, so this is my last hope. I know you can't answer and I don't even expect a sign or anything anymore. But I do know if you were here, I would tell you and you would know the answer. You always did. So, I'm just hoping that telling you will give me the strength to find the answers. The right ones this time, because I think I've already tried all the wrong ones.
I'll start with the people you know, because let's be honest, you've been gone a long time. So long that I sometimes don't even remember you being here. But at least there's a reason for that. I can't say the same about Daddy. He's different Mama. He's not the man you married or the dad that I grew up with. He's gone all the time and when he's here it's not the same. I can tell he sees you when he looks at me, which probably explains his absence. You know it really hurt him when you left. You broke him, Mama. And I don't think he can be fixed. You remember how we used to play in the snow during the winter and how you'd sit on the porch with hot cocoa and just watch us? Do you? Because I do. I don't think Daddy does or doesn't let himself. He doesn't drink cocoa anymore. He doesn't play in the snow. He doesn't even go outside in the snow if he happens to be home. That all ended when you left. You know what else he doesn't do anymore? He doesn't tuck me in and rub my back until I go to sleep. I know I'm 16 and that it's not a normal thing for fathers to do that, but the last time he did it was the last night you were alive. Do you know how many times I couldn't sleep because of it? Too many to count. And now when I can't sleep, there's not even a dad to go to, because he's not here. He always refused overnight trips before your wreck. He said his family was too important to be away from. That he'd miss us too much. I guess what he really meant was he'd miss you too much, because he has no problems staying away now. But then neither do you. I guess he's just following your lead like he always did. I just wished I could. I wish I could run, but I can't. I can't run because I have no where to go. So, if you happen to see Daddy before I do, tell him I miss him. I know it sounds crazy, but it's not. He doesn't come home and he doesn't even call anymore. He makes promises, but he breaks them and that just hurts even more. Sometimes I don't even pick up when I see it's him. You know why? Because it's just to tell me he's not going to be able to make it home. A girl can only take so much. So if you see him, tell him.
I know you remember Brooke, how could you not? Everyone remembers Brooke, at least I thought so. But I guess not. Her parents don't care. She doesn't see them either, but you know I can't help her. I can't comfort her, because I don't know what that means. I can't be the friend that she deserves because I don't think I have that in me. Somehow she finds it, but I can't. Maybe someone forgot to put that in me. Compassion. But you know what's worse than not being able to help her when she needs it most? Being the one who caused her pain. I did that. I ripped her heart out, Mama. And I didn't even care. At least not when it was happening. I was so tired of hurting that I did what I thought I needed to make myself happy, but I was wrong. It didn't make me happy. He didn't make me happy, because I couldn't look at him without seeing her tear stained face. She loved him and I took him away. And then I couldn't even stick around. You know maybe I'm supposed to be alone. Maybe that's why you and dad both left, because I only made things worse. I know that's what I did for Brooke and she's the only one that I know loves me. In this whole crazy freakin' world that is supposed to be my life, she's the only person that I know I can count on and I somehow managed to forget that long enough to hurt her. So, maybe this is my punishment for that. Maybe I'm stuck in this spot because of what I did to her. It would explain a lot, except that she's forgiven me. So if she's forgiven me than that can't be why I feel this way. So what is it? Can you tell me? Are you even watching me down here?
All the hurt that I caused Brooke leads to the next person. Lucas. You don't know Lucas, I don't know Lucas. Though you may know his mom. If you did, you never said anything. Well, he came along and I thought I didn't need him and then I realized that maybe I did, but I didn't want to admit it, so I pushed him away. I mean, why let him get close? He's only going to leave. That's what everyone has done that's ever gotten close to me before, everyone besides Brooke. I thought pushing him away was the best thing you know? The best for me and the best for him. Because if you could leave, then he definitely could leave. Especially since he's Nathan's brother. And Nathan had no problem leaving or moving on. But we'll get to him later. I pushed Lucas away, told him I couldn't handle anything, which was true, or at least I thought so. I thought so until he started popping up everywhere and saying things that no one had said to me in a long time, getting things that no one had ever gotten. And when I finally realized that maybe I could let him in and he wouldn't leave, he had moved on. Not that I blame him. He found Brooke and how amazing she was and then there was no point to pine over me any longer. I really screwed up, Mama. I knew I couldn't watch them, but trying to get away from Brooke is no easy task and then when she asked me, I just, I couldn't tell her. I couldn't break her heart. I thought not saying anything was my way of protecting her and him and even myself. But I was wrong. Because Lucas and I did something we shouldn't have. I kissed him. I kissed him more than once and he was dating my best friend. And then all this crazy stuff happened. He got in an accident and he said he wanted to be with me. He said he needed me. But Brooke found out before we could tell her and it was over before it ever really got started. He was gone just like everyone else. Including Nathan.
Of course you know Nathan. Though when you knew him he was the cute little Scott boy who always had pudding on his face. If he had only stayed that way. But he didn't. It didn't matter though, because I fell for him. I fell hard and so did he. Or at least that's what we thought at the time. If you could see him now, you'd know that wasn't true. We didn't love each other. We used each other and we hurt each other. And you know why? Because we both knew what it was like to not be wanted. To be abandoned. We both had the same empty whole and we thought we could fill it with the other person, but we couldn't have been more wrong. So when we broke up, I thought it was for the best. That we were both too damaged to make any relationship work. But I was wrong again. Because Nathan's married, Mom. He could make it work. You should see how he looks at her and how much he loves her. He'd give up his life for her. I know that, without a doubt in my mind. So, it turns out that Nathan's not too damaged to make a relationship work. It turns out that Nathan's not incapable of loving someone and letting himself be loved. I am. I'm the one who couldn't make it work.
And last there's Jake and I think this hurts the most. Jake saw me through all the bad times. He knew what I did to Brooke. He knew about Lucas. He knew about Nathan, but he was still my friend. The only real one I had left. I thought so at least. But he left too. Maybe he had to leave, but he didn't have to stay gone. He didn't have to cut me out, but I guess he was smarter than I gave him credit for. I guess he knew before getting close that it just wasn't worth it. That I wasn't worth it.
So as you can tell, I've screwed up. I've pushed everyone away. I've had relationships and I've screwed them up. But it shouldn't really be a surprise, since I couldn't even make ours work. But you know what, that's not my fault. Maybe everything else is, but you being gone isn't my fault. It's yours. Everyone tells me how much you loved me and how I was your whole life and the reason you got up in the morning. That the only thing you ever wanted to be was a mother and to take care of your kids, but that's not what I see. What I see is someone who left. Who didn't care enough to fight just a little bit harder. Did you not hear me every night when I told you that I loved you? Did you not hear me every morning when you dropped me off at school tell you that I was going to miss you? Did you not hear me begging you to take me everywhere you went? Was I talking to myself? Because I remember. I remember everything. I remember the smell of your make-up. That's why I don't use Cover Girl, because it's smell is too distinctive. It smells just like your bathroom. I remember the smell of your perfume. The orange box that the bottle was kept in that had Chloe written on it in white letters. I remember the shade of lipstick you wore and the dark chocolate of your hair. I can see the texture of your hair every time I look in the mirror and see my own ringlets. I remember the gold heart earrings that used to dangle from your ears everyday. I remember the feel of your hands on mine during church. How you would hold me close to you as we said the prayer. How you would teach me the songs and the motions. I remember the first day of school when you walked me to the classroom and I cried because I didn't want to let you go. I remember the first time I stayed the night at Brooke's and I couldn't fall asleep, so you came and picked me up at 4:00 in the morning. Then you took me home and you laid me in bed between you and Daddy and you sang to me until I fell asleep. I remember when I joined Girl Scouts and how you were at every event because I wouldn't stay unless you were there. So you came to all the sleepovers and daycamps and meetings. You helped us sell hundreds of boxes of cookies. I couldn't do anything without you. You were my mom. You were everything that I ever needed. If I had you, I was happy. That's all I needed. All I needed was you. Did you forget? Do you not remember all of that? Do you not remember me? Did it not matter to you? Is that why you left?
And don't give me that crap about it being God's will. Because you know what I say to that. I say fk god. fk him and fk you. Because you both let me down. Because you two chose to bring me here. To put me on this earth and then you deserted me. And don't tell me not to think that, because I do. That's what I think. And don't tell me to turn away everything I believe in, because you know what I believe in now. Nothing. How am I supposed to believe in something that I can't see, that I can't even feel? I remember what you said. That no matter what I would never be alone. That no matter how bad things got God was always going to be there. Well, where the hell is he now? Because he's not here. He's not with me. And I don't know how things could get any worse. So if you're up there, with him. Then maybe you could remind him that I'm still here. That I still need him and his guidance, because I'm lost and I don't know how to find my way back. I don't even know how to start. I don't know anything. I don't know who Peyton Anne Sawyer is.
So, I guess this was all really pretty pointless. You're not going to have any answers for me. You're not going to know how to save me from all the crap I've done, because the Peyton you knew was perfect and happy. You don't see the cracked person I've become. So, I guess it's up to me. I guess I'll figure out who I am by myself. I don't really have a choice. I don't have any magic wishes some genie is waiting to give me. But you know, if I did. I would wish for one thing and that's you. Because even though I'm mad at you a lot and even though I forget you sometimes, I still love you. You're still my mom and I still want to make you proud. I still want to become the person that you always thought I would. I still want to be your little girl. So I'm going to try harder now. I'm going to do whatever it takes to get out of this broken place. I'm going to figure out who I am and I'm doing it for you. Because you brought me here for a reason and it couldn't be for me to fail. Because even though I think you should have fought harder, I know that you did love me. Maybe you stopped, but at one time you did and for that reason, I'll continue on. I guess it wasn't so pointless after all.
Thanks Mom. Thanks for listening. I love you.
- Peyton