Title: I Have Myself to Thank
Author: SakuraRyuu
Rating: K
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama
Characters: Kikyo
Author's Note: Inuyasha and all characters in this fan fiction are the property of Rumiko Takahashi.
After Kikyo had sent InuYasha to save Koga from Naraku during the fight for Koga's jewel shards, Kikyo had been left to rest in the dried up river bed. She could hear the battle rage around her, people yelling and Naraku's endless taunting. She knew she had done all she could. All that was left was for Kagome to figure out where the jewel was and find her.
As Kikyo lay on the dry, cracked ground she did not dwell on the things people would expect when a person knows she is dying. She did not think of her time as a miko, her time with Inuyasha, the circumstances of her previous death and resurrection. She also did not think about her misguided hatred of Inuyasha, the souls she was forced to absorb to survive, or how her half-life was a sadder existence than her true life.
Instead, Kikyo thought that since her resurrection she had been her own worst enemy. Before she had met Inuyasha, Tsubaki had cursed her. She had disregarded that curse and fallen in love, knowing it was destined to be her undoing. With her curse, Tsubaki's jealousy had started a domino effect, bringing Onigumo into her life, which lead to the creation of Naraku and the downward spiral ending in her death.
Kikyo could see she had caused her own grief. She thought how every move she made since she had been resurrected had been to destroy Naraku when it should have been to discover what had truly happened when Inuyasha denied killing her outside Urasuia's cave. Once the confusion had been sorted out, Kikyo could have forgiven Inuyasha, joined him in finding the shards and saved her relationship with him. It had been clear from the moment he spoke her name and released her soul from Kagome he still cared deeply for her. If she had joined Inuyasha Naraku would have been destroyed by them and they could have used the jewel to be together. Instead, she had turned on Inuyasha, despising him for what, she later discovered from Kaede, was not his fault. She continued on her own, believing she was the only one who could destroy the villain Naraku. She had been wrong then, too.
Now, Kikyo was dying and all she could think about was how she had worked against herself. Instead of her life flashing before her eyes, she was seeing all the mistakes she had made, resulting in a misery inflicted upon herself worse than any Naraku had done. She had wasted all her borrowed time and missed so many opportunities to be with Inuyasha. Now all she had was the knowledge that Inuyasha could have been hers again if, at any time after discovering the truth, she had simply told him she was wrong and had asked his forgiveness. The knowledge she had broken her own heart was worse than knowing she was going on without him.