A.N. I am new at this so be gentle.
I was so sure what I was doing was right I didn't realize how it could be wrong. Brandon pulled away from my lips to take a breath and that's when reality hit me. I couldn't believe what I did. "Wow", he says. I interlock my fingers and stare at my knees thinking 'maybe if I wish hard enough I will wake up and this will only be a dream'. He moves his shoulder a little and starts to tap his foot. This isn't a dream I can't wake up from. I don't know how I feel; if I did what was right. I was getting over this. This toxic love I have. He sucks you in. I have the will power to resist it; to resist him. The situation has changed. This whole adoption of mine has completely changed. Did I want it to? Was I subconsciously wishing he didn't sign the papers? Why am I so messed up?
He touches my knee, almost as he is pushing me to say it. To say I love him, it would break me. I would be just like Alice going down the rabbit hole falling until I realize I was better letting go. I stand up. The breath that is stuck inside my chest won't come out, it's tied down by a thousand bricks. I pinch myself. I gasp. 'Breath you idiot' I think to myself. "Callie, what just happened? Not literally, because I can give a good description. But what happened between us? I still..." he tries. I am shivering now. It was supposed to rain today. Why isn't it raining? Give me a reason to go inside and hide from my thoughts, my feelings. God, make it rain. "B B B Bran nd ndon…. l l l li lis listen… t ta ta to… m m me", barely making it out of my mouth, "D d don't". Almost as if someone read my mind, lightening went of in the distance catching Brandon's attention and I went in the side door of the house.
I walked so fast I was out of breath by the time I found a closet in the library off to the side of the living room. I shut the door and hunched over so I could catch my breath. Why I am I running? I care for him I know I do. But did I want that to happen? There is a reason I have been distancing myself from him. Calling him my brother is so devastating to me. I was my best self when I loved him. But I was the worst person to myself when I couldn't have him. Telling myself everyday 'it's your fault, everything is always your fault'. I can't handle this emotion I am feeling. I want to hide from myself. How long have I been in here? Nobody has looked for me yet but then again this house is huge. God, my life would have been so different. Stop thinking about that you are never going to live here. Think about what he did to your mother! Could you forgive someone like that? Your mom probably never did. Don't think about that. You were just starting to think positive thoughts again don't put your mind there.
My butt is starting to hurt from sitting in this closet corner. I pull out my phone and turn it on. Damn, that screen is bright. Of course, there are 2 missed calls and a text from Brandon. I can't deal with him and this. I need to know what I feel right now and if it's a good feeling. Why am I so stupid? I hear something. You're thinking too much; you're starting to hear things. Then I shine my phone on the door knob and I can see it starting to turn.