guys don't cry::
but I know the secret------♥
(sano x mizuki)
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I hadn't thought that there was any reason for me to ever tell her about how I felt. After all, what harm would there be in simply going on with our friendship? But it was getting harder than ever to control my emotions around her; everything about her reminded me of the fact that I was falling for her.
Mizuki came out of the bathroom, fully dressed, with her towel draped over her shoulders and her short brown hair rumpled. I was sitting by the window, head resting on my hand, when she came over and sat cross legged on the floor near my feet.
For a moment neither of us said anything. Then I spoke.
"Have a nice shower?"
She sighed happily and leaned against the side of my chair, eyes closed. "Yeah," she said, and I marveled at the way her eyelashes rested against her cheeks; barely touching her skin.
I had to tell her.
"Mizuki…"
She opened her eyes and glared up at me. "You left the soap on the sink," she told me, fake-glaring at me, "I had to get out and grab it."
I froze, an image of a naked Mizuki stepping out of the shower, water dripping down her skin, flashing before my eyes. It reminded me painfully of the trip to Hokkaido. I turned red and looked away before she noticed it. Thankfully, she didn't. "Sorry," I muttered, "We were out of hand soap."
We sat in silence for another long moment. Then I looked down at her again. "Ashiya," I said musingly, "Wouldn't it be funny if a girl came to this school?"
She looked up at me, eyes innocent, not noticing the use of her first name. "Girls come here all the time to visit."
"No, not to visit. I mean, as a student," I said, watching for a reaction.
I had her undivided attention. "That's impossible. This is an all boy's school. Besides—"
I cut her off. "Suppose she dressed up as a boy, so she could go here? Suppose she hid the fact that she was a girl? Cut her hair, say, or—"
She stood up. "Why would she want to? That's ridiculous. I don't know why you're talking about this…"
I stood up too, moving to face her. The look on her face was a mixture of anticipation and fear. I knew she was afraid to hear what was coming next. Slowly, I pulled her wet towel from around her neck, reaching forward to unwrap it. Without trying to, it brought us closer. I could see her face turning pink. She was embarrassed.
Her hair, already dry in the few moments we had been sitting there, was messy. No matter how badly I wanted to run a hand through it, I couldn't. I needed all the self restraint I could get.
"Suppose," I said quietly, "She had a roommate. And, suppose her roommate knew she was a girl and, oh, didn't tell her or something. Wouldn't that be funny?"
She chewed her bottom lip unconsciously, looking frightened. "Sano..?"
I moved closer to her, backing her up to the wall. She craned her head up to look at me, and I moved my hand to the base of her neck, stroking the smooth skin there lightly. I could feel her shiver, and her pulse underneath my fingertips quickened.
"And you know what would be even funnier?"
I didn't wait for an answer. The worry in her eyes sparked something in me, a need to comfort her, a need to keep her from worrying ever again. I bent down and brushed the corner of her mouth with my lips; she shivered again.
"It would be really funny her roommate fell for her."
She gave a sharp intake of breath; I knew she understood. She stood frozen, staring up at me, looking for all the world like a deer caught in headlights. I pulled back, just enough so I could look her in the eye, my hand moving to brush a strand of hair behind her ear.
She blinked slowly. "How long have you known?"
I smiled down at her and kissed her, letting my lips linger near hers for a moment before kissing her again. When we broke apart, our breath mingling, I told her, "Since a short time after you got here. That time you passed out playing soccer? I carried you to the infirmary…"
She wrapped her arms around me, burying her face in my shoulder. I could feel her sobs shake her shoulders even before the tears soaked through my shirt and cooled my skin.
"Ashiya?"
She pulled back and looked up at me, tears streaming down her face. I faltered. I had made her cry?
I let my arms fall from around her and pushed away. This could not be happening. "I'm sorry," I said, turning away and pulling a hand across the back of my neck. "I shouldn't have… I didn't mean… I thought you'd like to know but obviously…" My lungs felt as if they were squeezing up, and I fought the urge to cry myself.
Guys don't cry.
I don't cry.
Especially not over a girl. I stepped away and into the bathroom, determined not to. But it was difficult. Very.
I changed quickly out of the school uniform and into clothes I could wear to sleep. Then I crawled into bed and closed the drapes. I could hear her futz around with the papers on her desk for a couple of minutes. Then she went into the bathroom, brushed her teeth, came back in, and sat down on the bed.
My bed.
I froze, pretending to be asleep, eyes lidded so I could watch her movements. She sat on the edge of the bed for awhile, staring at her hands, which sat folded in her lap. She had splashed cold water on her face; I wouldn't have been able to tell she'd been crying if I hadn't been the one that caused it.
I hated myself.
Then, suddenly, she tucked her knees up towards herself and scooted onto the bed. And before I had fully realized what had happened, she curled up next to me and put her head on my shoulder. One of my hands had been resting on my stomach, and she reached for it, picking it up and playing with it, bending and unbending each finger. After a moment, she simply entwined her fingers with mine and let our hands rest on my stomach.
Then she spoke, quietly, her jaw moving against my shirt.
"Sano, I'm so sorry. About earlier. I was just in so much shock that you had known, and I hadn't done so well at hiding it as I thought I had, and then you kissed me, and I didn't know what to do…you've never kissed me when neither one of us was either drunk or delirious…"
I almost sat bolt upright at that. I had only kissed her once… that had been when she was delirious. And then I realized. That time in first year, when I got drunk and woke up with a bruise on my face- she must have panicked and slugged me.
"—and we're so close to graduating and I was worried that we wouldn't stay friends after we left, and then just now I wasn't crying because of you, well, partly because of you but mostly because I was so happy, and the thing I hate most about all this is that I can't tell you this to your face and it's like I'm talking to a dead person which is weird and-"
I cut her off, still pretending to be asleep, by rolling on my side towards her and sneaking an arm around her waist. I wanted to lean closer and kiss her again, but I didn't. Instead, I let Ashiya assume I was moving in my sleep. She did. Through my slitted eyes I could see her close hers, and when she sighed I could feel her breath dancing across my neck. I tightened my grip on her and closed my eyes all the way.
I fell asleep in a heartbeat.
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Sometime after midnight she awoke to find herself wrapped snugly in his arms, and she was warm. She could see his eyes moving beneath his eyelids as he dreamt; she reached up sleepily and brushed a thumb along his eyelash. Then, smilingly, she closed her own and drifted back to sleep.
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My eyes opened slowly. I was warm- more warm then I had been in a long time, with the exception being those times when Mizuki crawled sleepily into my bed. Then it hit me, like a ton of bricks- she had crawled into my bed.
I gazed sleepily at her. Though there was little morning light shining between the bed-curtains, I could see her smiling up at me, eyes half open. I smiled back, feeling light-hearted. She tightened her grip on the cloth of my t-shirt, which she must have grabbed some time last night, and blinked up at me.
And then her eyes widened and her face turned red. As she'd done once before, she sat up quickly, bumping her head on the ceiling of my bunk and swearing. She turned to leave the bed.
Without thinking, I reached out and took hold of her arm, pulling her towards me in the half-darkness. And, thankfully, I could see her smile as I bent down to kiss her. Maybe everything would be alright.
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I let him kiss me in the half-light of the bunk.
I had never felt so at home.
And when I pulled away to look him in the eye I saw
A single tear roll down his face.
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"Sano, guys don't cry."
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lame, lame, lame.
i found this on my computer today,
and i fixed it up a bit,
and i'm posting it. ♦
though i may rewrite it, and because sano is being a pansy. ♥
because the writing style is horrible,
standard disclaimer applies.