It's 5:43 am right now. I'm not sleeping, so why not write a sloppy oneshot.
She tried. She really did. It took her fifteen minutes of standing in front of the open trash can before her Mom came and asked her what she was doing. She had told her Mom, "I don't know." And truth be told, she still doesn't know.
So she had lifted her foot off the pedal that had kept the lid of the trash can open, and left for her room. She came in and threw the thing she had been clutching above the trash can, onto her bed in anger. God why couldn't she do it? It was just a simple, stupid, bracelet, and yet here it is. Still with her. She was mad at herself for not being able to throw it away, and mad at herself for still feeling attached to it. Still feeling attached to the person who had given her it. The other girls had thrown theirs away. Or had atleast put them away. They didn't wear theirs everyday like she still does. So why couldn't she do the same thing.
She knew why. Inside she knew exactly why she couldn't. But she could barely say the words inside her mind, let alone ever utter them out loud. And she hated it. She hated that Alison still had this power over her even after she's gone. She hated that she couldn't throw away the bracelet. She hated that the mere thought of the other girl brought her to tears.
She isn't stupid. She wasn't as naive as Alison may have thought. She knew that her feelings were being played with. Maybe not at first, admittedly, but she did eventually. Yet, she had still then, bared it all out for the blonde. All the looks they shared. The smiles, and even kisses. They all meant so much to her. So fucking much. And Alison had just brushed them off as if they were nothing to her. And that hurt. It hurt like hell. That moment when Ali had pulled away from her, like she had been burned, like she had just been touched by the most revolting thing on Earth. That hurt.
But it couldn't have just meant nothing to the blonde. Right? She had told Emily that she could be herself around her. That's got to count for something right? This isn't what she was trying to do. She had been trying to get rid of this bracelet, to get rid of these, these feelings, that she still held onto. Not convince herself that Alison had, had feelings for her as well.
Why did she still feel this way why? Alison is dead. She had been told by the police, by the newspaper, by her own mother for gods sake. Yet she still had hope that one day she will just be walking down the halls again like the old days. She needed to get it into her head. But every time she had tried to forget about her old friend, her feelings and thoughts would just get jumbled up and she would just end up crying.
Crying. Now that was a word she wasn't unfamiliar with. After finding out that the police had found Alison's body, she was just broken. She spent night after night crying over the blonde. Night after night wishing and hoping that they would announce that the body had not been Alison's. That a mistake had been made.
She had cried so much. She just wanted it to stop. She wanted so hard to stop hurting, to just stop feeling so much for Alison. But she couldn't. She couldn't throw away the bracelet or the way she felt. So she just decided to deal with it. To just put it all in the back corners of her mind, and heart. So it didn't help when she was invited to Alison's funeral.