Disclaimer: I don't own South Park or the characters…even though I want to.
Author's Note: Okay, so I have major writer's block on the story I'm supposed to be working on, and I feel bad for disappointing the readers. So I made this little story. The boys are supposed to be in sixth grade here, so not too long after the series. Also, the year will be 2010 just because it's 2008 now, even though I have no idea what year it would actually be when they're in sixth grade. It might not be a favorite, but it's an idea that's just been on my mind lately so I decided to write it down. I don't think I did a great job at writing Cartman though…anyway, even though it's a oneshot, reviews are always nice. Hope you like it!
Assignment on the Edge of Forever (aka Jail Time)
It was time for English class. The boys all grumbled under their breaths, hoping that for some reason class had gotten cancelled and they wouldn't have to go. Their teacher, Ms. Turner, was probably one of the meanest teachers at South Park Junior High. In fact, she probably was the meanest. All she ever did was yell and hand out detentions. No one was learning anything in her class, either, although it wasn't for lack of trying. No one wanted to spend a second year with her., so they all studied as much as possible. The mood swings and sudden changes of mind also common in their teacher made this difficult, however. They would study for one thing only to find out she changed the entire test to be on something else, as the case was quite often.
Even though the teacher was horrible, the class itself was fine. There weren't really any new students, and the class size was small, but every face was recognizable, and was almost identical to the fourth grade class that seemed so long ago now. The students actually missed Mr. Garrison. He had remained their teacher through all of fifth grade as well, since he taught them for so long. He couldn't follow them to middle school, though. At first they cheered, because they were finally rid of the psychopath, but when middle school started they really missed him. He was a lot easier to deal with than the other teachers.
So, imagine their surprise when they walked into the classroom and there was Mr. Garrison! "Get in boys, you were almost late" he says when they walk in the room. They sat down in their respective seats, but were still surprised to see him there. "What are you doing here?" Stan called out. "Teaching, what does it look like? I'm filling in for whoever supposedly teaches here…looking at your grades, I don't think they did." He smiled to himself, obviously believing himself to be the better teacher. "Now listen, you have a project starting today, and you will be working in groups of four. It's due next week, and I'll still be here so you have no excuse not to do it. Now get into groups and discuss it, I'm going to the teachers' lounge!" He sounded really excited, but not one kid moved. Token had his mouth open as if in shock, and Clyde raised his hand. "What is it Clyde, I haven't got all day you know." "Mr. Garrison, I think you forgot to tell us what this project is about." "Oh. Interview someone in prison and come up with a presentation. Now I'm leaving!" he said, running out the door before anyone else could ask questions. "Does this mean class is dismissed?" asked Clyde, and about two seconds later the classroom was empty.
English was the last class of the day, so everyone started heading home. The boys held back, though. "We should start discussing our project now," said Kyle, always the responsible one. "No, dude, I want to play video games," said Stan. Cartman and Kenny muttered their agreement with him. But Kyle wasn't taking no for an answer. "We have to talk about it. This happens every time we have a project, and then we always stay up late the night before it's due freaking out over it. I'm sick of it!" Everyone had ignored him and had turned to go, presumably to play video games, when Craig stepped in front of them. "Our project is gonna be better than yours!" His group consisted of himself, Clyde, Token, and Tweak. "No, it's not," said Kyle in a bored tone. "Yes it is!" Craig argued. "Fine! You want to bet, Craig? I always win bets." That was Cartman, of course. Leave it to him to turn this into a competition. "Not this time you won't! I bet ten dollars on my team getting the better grade!" He turned to leave with his friends following him. "I agree with Jew-boy," Cartman finally said. "Let's work!"
They sat together on one of the lunchroom tables that had gotten dragged outdoors, trying to think of people they knew that were in prison. "Well, there's my Uncle Howard, he's still in prison!" "Cartman!" cried Stan. "We can't use family members! That's like cheating!" "Well, Stan, I call it a free ticket to a good grade. But what about that Charlie Manson guy, huh? He's not family!" "Yeah, but even if he was, he's still in Nebraska! Cartman we can't use those people!" This time the outburst was from Kyle. Then he paused, as if thinking. "Your future self!" he bursts out, pointing at Stan. "Me? What do I do in the future that helps us now?" wonders Stan out loud. "No, asshole, your future self! Motivation Corp! That guy!" "Oh. Dude, that wasn't me." "Yeah well I don't know his name. But he's in prison!" Everyone looked up at that. "How'd he get in prison?" asked Kenny. He was barely following along, because he didn't even know what all that "future person" talk was about. "Well, apparently he put some garden tool on his hand and went around terrorizing people telling them he was Captain Hook." Stan looked the least surprised. "My dad cut off his hand…figures he would replace it with some dumb garden tool. He was an asshole, let's think of someone else."
Try as they might, they couldn't think of anyone else then, so they promised each other to think while they were at home and write out a list. Then they would work with what they had the following day. When they met up, they compared notes. The only really interesting find was that their friend Jared, the Subway guy, was in jail. "Why would he be in jail?" Kyle shot at an overly cheerful Cartman. "Get this, guys! He got arrested for trying to give everyone AIDS!" he fell over on the floor with laughter. "Get up, fat-ass," said Stan. "Did he really get arrested for that?" After looking on the internet, they confirmed it to be true. Jared was in jail. Dr. Adams, former planetarium owner, was also in jail, but no one was too surprised about that.
"I have an idea!" Kenny said suddenly. Everyone looked at him. "We want to make this the best project ever, right?" They nodded their heads. "So let's not just interview one person! Interview four, that way it's one for each of us! And we can talk about their pasts, and what drove them towards this kind of future, and how they feel when they're in jail and how they're planning on turning their lives around! We could film each interview to make it more like a news report, and we can do a PowerPoint presentation with background information on the jail and everything…oh, I can't wait to see the look on Craig's face!" Kenny chuckled. The others, though, just stared at him. "Ken, you're a genius," Cartman finally managed to say. "I bet I'll have that ten dollars in no time…"
Stan was going to interview his "future self", as much as he despised him. He figured he would be the better one to do it, since he had to live with him for a few weeks and knew the guy pretty well. When he went to talk to him, he noted the name and picture on the cell door. Todd Peterson. He couldn't believe that at one point, he thought he could have been his future self. His hair color was different than Stan's, for one! He sighed and continued in. South Park Jail was a pretty stupid design, in his opinion. It was easy to break into, and probably easier to break out of. But then again, the adults in South Park were so stupid most of the time that probably wasn't an issue at all. "Hey, look, it's little Stan from the past!" said Todd. "Dude, you're out of your mind. That was two years ago, I know you're not really me." Stan looked down to see Todd's arm. He still felt guilty for that even though it wasn't entirely his fault. He quickly explained that he would be interviewing him for school. Setting up the video camera, he turned it on and started filming.
"Hello, I'm here now with Mr. Todd Peterson, convicted of crimes in the year 2009. Todd, why were you put in jail?" "Well, man, it's like this, I was at some party and I got high." Stan waited, but Todd didn't say anything else. "I see, Todd, well what exactly did you do that the police opposed to?" "The party was like a costume party! But I only have one hand, so like, what costume? And then at the party I found this hook thing and told people I was Captain Hook!" "Todd, it is my understanding that you were indeed, not at a costume party, and that you were terrorizing people. Is that true?" "Well if you already knew the answer, man, why did you ask?" Stan sighed. He could tell he wasn't going to get anywhere with this. "And now, back to our live studio." He shut off the camera and put it away. "Bye little Stan!" Todd called out. "Whatever."
"Did you get it? Did you get it?" asked Cartman when Stan returned. "Yes, I got it, but it sucks." He handed over the tape. "It's okay, Stan, it can't be that bad. Let's watch it and see what we can come up with." Kyle was always the optimist. They put the tape into their tape player and watched it. At the end, they all started laughing. "What? What's so funny?" Stan demanded. "Dude, this Todd guy is like so weird! It's hilarious!" Calming down a little, Cartman looked over at him. "Good work, Marsh. We should make our whole presentation half comedy. Who's next?" "Next? What do you mean, next?" "Just for that Kyle, you're going next. And I mean who's getting the next video? Anyway, your job is to interview Jared. Here." He handed over the video camera. "Um…is Jared even in South Park?" Kenny asked. He never met him, but knew who he was from the commercials. "He's actually in the Park County Jail, but it's also close…lucky for you, Kyle." He shoved him off in the direction of the jail.
Kyle entered, looking a bit nervous. He knew that Jared was harmless, but there could be a lot of other criminals there! He finally found who he was looking for, though. Park County Jail was set up differently than South Park Jail, although it was probably because there was a better police force. After talking to a police officer, they agreed to let Kyle speak to Jared, provided there was a police officer in the room in case he got violent. Kyle rolled his eyes, hadn't they cleared this issue up already? But he followed the officer none the less.
"Hi, Jared, I'm Kyle…I don't know if you remember me." "Well sure I do! You helped get me out a situation a few years back, didn't you?" Kyle smiled at him. This looked like it would be easy. He told Jared that he was doing an interview for a school project, but he was going to put a bit of a spin on it, and apparently they were trying to do a comedy as well. He turned the camera
on, making sure it was on him, Jared, and the police officer. "I am in Park County Jail with a Mr. Jared Fogles, convicted of trying to give everyone AIDS. Jared, what do you have to say about these charges? Did you try to give everyone AIDS?" "Yes, Kyle, I think it would be very beneficial for everyone to have aides! I've been going from town to town trying to explain to people why it would be so good, but no one believes me!" "Jared, do you remember the incident in South Park in the year 2008?" "Of course!" "Well I believe that these officers are still under the impression that you are trying to give people the disease AIDS, instead of actual aides. Sir, what is your name?" Kyle asked suddenly, turning to the police officer. "I'm Sergeant Yates." Answered the police officer. "Sergeant, why did you arrest Jared?" "Because Jared wanted to give everyone AIDS, which would have killed everyone!" "Are you aware that besides the disease AIDS, there are also aides, who are people, and they help others with things such as losing weight?" Kyle stared at the police officer, who had immediately started fidgeting. "Okay!" he finally shouted with exasperation. "It was near the end of my shift and I had to arrest somebody and there was Jared talking about aides! It was too perfect! He's not really a criminal!" Kyle blinked. He hadn't been expecting that, he had just been expecting the officer to put two and two together and then apologize for his mistake. "So does that mean I'm free to go?" asked a confused and somewhat forgotten Jared. "Um, yes, you may go," said Sergeant Yates. Kyle turned to the camera. "That concludes this segment of the show, and of Jared's time in jail!"
Kyle got back just as Kenny was getting ready to interview Dr. Adams. "Guys, guess what?" he shouted as he got in the door. "What?" said the three boys. "Jared got out of jail! And I filmed it!" Excited, they decided to watch the tape. All of them seemed pretty impressed with it. Kenny was the only one who seemed to not care as much. "What's wrong, Kenny?" Kyle asked. "Oh…nervous for my interview with Dr. Adams. I mean, I died last time I saw him…" "Kenny, it's okay, I promise he won't kill you." Kyle looked at Kenny sympathetically. "Just ask him questions about the planetarium instead of the crimes he committed if you like, after all most of the town knows what happened. Do you want me to come alone?" Kenny looked at Kyle and smiled. "No, it's okay, but thanks...I'll be back soon." He took the video camera and left. As soon as he was gone, Kyle turned to Cartman. "Okay, Cartman, we don't have a fourth person so what are you doing?" Cartman grinned suddenly. "Well if I tell you, then the surprise is ruined! I won't be making a video though, I'll be doing something else. Don't worry, I'll give you enough instructions so you know how to act your parts." "Parts?" questioned Stan. But Cartman ad already started walking upstairs, and either didn't hear him or chose to ignore him. Stan and Kyle looked at each other, shrugged, and left. They could work on the assignment more at their own homes.
Kenny walked through the jail until he found Dr. Adams. He didn't go into the same room as Dr. Adams, in fact he was scared to go near him. He had convinced Officer Barbrady to film for him so the video was possible. Now he was ready for his introduction. "I'm here in South Park Jail with Dr. Adams, former owner of the planetarium. Dr. Adams, there are so many questions I could ask you, but I think the most important one is 'what happened?'" "I love the plane'arium, but it was failing…we needed more workers at the plane'arium, and we needed more people coming to the plane'arium. Would you like to come work for the plane'arium?" Dr. Adams inquired, looking at Kenny suspiciously. "No, thank you, sir, I already have a job. Now we have our why, let's find our how. Dr. Adams, how exactly did you brainwash people into thinking the planetarium was so great?" "Brainwash? I never brainwashed anyone into thinking the plane'arium was great! I just showed them how wonderful and fun the plane'arium is!" "Dr. Adams, some time ago in South Park you were caught brainwashing people that you had tied to chairs, and luckily they were rescued within the hour. I myself was one of the people that suffered from your 'publicity stunt'. What do you have to say to that?" "I…never meant to cause anyone harm! It was all for the plane'arium! And so I could have enough money to have surgery so I can say 'plane'arium' correctly!" Kenny looked at the camera and said "Dr. Adams is still not fully in his right mind, due to the events of previous years. If he was, he would surely apologize for what he has done and go back to being owner of the planetarium. As for now, his being in jail has as much to do with his own safety as well as the crime he committed. That concludes this session." He motioned for Officer Barbrady to turn off the camera. For a second, Kenny expected him to have not had it on or something, but to his relief he heard a click as the camera was turned off and handed back to him.
He went to Cartman's house, only to discover that Stan and Kyle had gone back home. He showed Cartman his video, and Cartman approved. He told him to start working on the PowerPoint part of his show, because he was working on his. Upon questioning who Cartman interviewed, though, Kenny was shoved out the door. Well, that's not very nice, he thought as he walked home. Luckily, Kenny did have a computer due to the World of Warcraft phase that everyone seemed to go through a few years ago. Planetarium, planetarium…he thought while he was trying to figure out what background would work. Then he had an idea: stars! He could animate the title page to move like the Star War's text, on a starry background, and then he would keep the background up! He researched the history of the planetarium, including how many children started working on it after they took class field trips (no doubt due to the brainwashing). This was going to be the best PowerPoint ever!
Over at Stan's house, both Stan and Kyle were trying to figure out what to do for their PowerPoints. "Well, since Jared is the Subway guy I guess I have to include Subway's history," Kyle said. Stan didn't say anything, he appeared to be lost in thought. He didn't know what to do a PowerPoint on for Todd. He guessed he could put in the ridiculous pictures his parents had insisted on taking, and he could probably put in something about Motivation Corp., as well. But he could work on that later. Right now, he was trying to help Kyle with his PowerPoint, even though he personally thought it would be pretty easy. After Stan figured out a design for Kyle's project (the background was going to be a Subway wrapper), Kyle decided that he could help Stan with his. "Why don't you just have a one color background?" Kyle asked him at one point. "Because it's boring!" he replied. "I want something that's a bit more exciting." It took another whole hour to come up with a really good idea. Each background on the slides were different, being a picture that was shrunk down in size to have text put next to it. There was a lot of animation involved, which was the hardest part and the most time-consuming, as well.
The day of class, Cartman was nowhere to be seen. He had helped them practice the other day, even though he didn't do anything except stand there and watch them. They couldn't figure out where he was. His mom told them that he had just disappeared, although he did leave a note saying not to worry, that he would be back soon. "This better be for the project," Stan grumbled. "Just like him to bet ten dollars on our performance and then probably not give us any money!" Kyle groaned. Kenny didn't say anything. Unlike Stan and Kyle, Kenny had actually been confided in at the last minute. Cartman needed at least one person to help him out, and he trusted Kenny the most. He loved what he had planned, it was amazing. Hopefully, it would go okay. They got to class and, naturally, were chosen to go first. Mr. Garrison always seemed to know when someone wasn't prepared. Stan and Kyle sat down at a desk, but Kenny didn't sit down or even pull up a chair. He stood in front of them and said, "Welcome to the South Park News Channel, for kids and by kids. I am reporter Kenny McCormick, and now I present to you Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski!" He clapped for himself, since the class didn't seem to want to. Kyle glared, but didn't say anything. Kenny walked over to the computer that was set up near the back of the room. The plan was that Stan would give his report first, and then Stan and Kyle would switch places while Kyle was giving his report, and Kenny would go after Kyle. Cartman would go last, if he even showed up to school that day – which they really hoped he did. It seemed unlikely now, though, since they already started their presentation.
Stan cleared his throat. "Thank you, Kenny. A few years ago, you may remember seeing some news reports on people from the future, or you may have even had your own 'future self' living with you." At this, he acknowledged Butters, who was looking up in interest. "I had a 'future self' living with me for a few weeks, and during that time I begin to suspect he wasn't who he said he was. It was then that I discovered Motivation Corp., and their plan. With this firmly in mind, at dinner that night I pretended to cut off my hand, and in a panic, my dad cut off my 'future self's' hand as well." Stan glanced behind him to make sure the PowerPoint was on the right slide. He would have preferred controlling it himself, but it just wouldn't have worked. "Wow, Stan, so this guy lost a hand? What did he do about it?" Kyle inquired in a business-like manner. "I took the courtesy to go in and interview this man, whose real name has been revealed to be Todd. Kenny, if you would play the video?" Stan asked. Kenny nodded.
When the video was over, just about everyone in the class had the same reaction. They laughed, and Stan felt himself blush. It was a little embarrassing to be laughed at, even if it wasn't from what you were doing right now. One person didn't laugh, though. That person was Craig. He looked very angry, and not the slightest bit amused. Stan concluded his presentation and then looked at Kyle. "Thank you for the fascinating look at a real prisoner, Stan!" Kyle gestured to Kenny, who played a short film with no sound about Subway that Kyle had made using images he found online. "As you all know, a few years ago a man named Jared, who is better known as the Subway guy, came to South Park. He explained that it wasn't just Subway sandwiches that made him lose weight, but aides. All of us mistook 'aides' for 'AIDS', and wanted nothing to do with him. However, in time we learned that he wasn't trying to make everyone sick…" At this point, there was a loud shout from the back of the room: "How do you know that, huh?" It was Kenny. This was a planned part of the presentation, but it was made to look like it wasn't. "Because! He showed us his aides!" "I still think he was trying to make everyone sick. I think he meant 'AIDS', not 'aides'. Personally, I'm glad that Jared is in jail!" Kenny and Kyle continued to argue like this until Stan was seated near the computer and had flashed them the thumbs up. "Oh yeah?" Kyle said in response to Kenny's closing argument. "Well here's proof!"
Kenny pretended to watch in amazement as the video neared the end and showed Sergeant Yates admitting to convicting Jared on false charges. "Well! Kyle I'm so sorry I doubted you!" Kenny said with sarcasm. "But here's a real story," he added, looking at Kyle and smirking. "Dr. Adams, former owner of the planetarium, agreed to an interview with me on what he thinks of the planetarium. Watch closely." Kenny planned to show the PowerPoint after the video. After he was done explaining the planetarium history, he motioned to Stan to turn off the PowerPoint. Kenny went over to the CD player that was sitting on the teacher's desk, and inserted a CD. It was the twilight zone theme song. Stan came back to the front of the room to sit in front of Kenny's seat, and they exchanged surprised glances. They didn't know what was going on.
Kenny rushed out of the classroom and came back, pulling a cage into view. "Eric Cartman, age eleven, criminal," he stated when the cage was set up in front of the classroom. Cartman was in it, wearing his prison uniform. Kenny sat down on the desk and watched and listened to Cartman's presentation. He explained how he had been put in jail after an accident in the third grade, and he told them all about life in prison from an insider's point of view. Kenny was fiddling with the music through the whole thing, adjusting the volume as being soft or loud depending on what Cartman was saying. He was great at speeches, never pausing or looking nervous even once. "People used to escape from prison a lot when I was there. They would go back out to live among the others, and no one ever knew that they had been in jail…no one was aware that they were capable of…murdering someone!" Cartman said this with a tone of evil to his voice. "I bet none of you ever saw a prison escapee, right? But that's not uncommon, it's very hard to break out of prison…" Cartman distracted them with scary prison stories while he prepared to kick down the door of his cage. He burst out, and Kenny switched the music to be something evil and dramatic. The kids all screamed.
"Okay, Eric, that's enough!" cried out Mr. Garrison. "That was a marvelous presentation, but we need enough time for everyone to go, so sit down!" The boys grinned and took their seats. "Okay, Craig, why don't you go next?" suggested Mr. Garrison. Craig shot the four boys a dirty look before beginning his groups presentation, which turned out to be on Officer Barbrady. Their reasoning? "He's a police officer, so he must spend enough time in jail!" It was a good presentation, which Mr. Garrison liked a lot, but the boys still thought their presentation was better. Craig's presentation probably would have been a little better than it was if Tweak hadn't been screaming quietly in the background through the whole thing, though. After school was over and everyone was walking home, Cartman demanded his ten dollars from Craig. "No, you owe me money!" Craig complained. "Our presentation made more of an impact!" Craig held out his hand expectantly. "Oh, really?" Cartman asked. They were passing by a television store, and the news came on. "Tonight we will reflect on a presentation given by four boys in their English class!" Shots of Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman were shown. "Goddamnit!" Craig yelled before pulling out ten dollars and giving them to Cartman. Cartman smiled. "Yes…it's all mine."
THE END
Episode Reference List:
City on the Edge of Forever (aka Flashbacks) - Season 2
Merry Christmas, Charlie Manson! - Season 2
My Future Self n' Me - Season 6
Jared Has Aides - Season 6
Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods - Season 2
The Jeffersons - Season 8
Make Love, Not Warcraft - Season 10
Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000 - Season 4
Author's Note:Well that's it, it's over! It's seven pages long, making it my longest document so far! Celebration time! But yeah. I hope you didn't feel like the ending came too soon or I left something unfinished, it's just he needed to get his ten dollars and the project was over, so what more was there to talk about? I don't like having a story cut off before the ending, but sometimes it's better to have less information rather than more. So please review, and let me know what you thought of my first oneshot!