Crossed in the Stars

Everything was ruined the moment Remus realized it. Everything, all that the four of them had been through, it was all gone. He tried to deny it, repeated to himself that it was just the close friendship, the kindness. But each time he said it he knew that he was lying.

So Lily found him, in an abandoned corridor, frozen in place and gripping the windowsill tight enough to draw the skin white over his knuckles. She inquired immediately after reaching him what was the matter.

"There's nothing the matter. I'm normal. Not a freak. It happens… it happens to everyone." He said, half to himself, needing her agreement to make everything suddenly all right.

"Of course you're not a freak, Remus. Only prejudiced people think that, because they're too blind to see truly." She told him gently, laying a hand on his shoulder. "But, don't tell me that something isn't bothering you, because I don't think that anyone can believe that."

"Do you think he knows? Lily, you've got to help me. I need to get away from here before he comes after me." Remus suddenly exclaimed fear stretching his eyes wide. "We have to go back to the dormitories, and you have to distract them while I go upstairs and grab some things, and then maybe I could escape into Hogsmeade and go from there…" His mind was working fast, places he could stay tumbling through it and sending his thoughts into a whirl of fright.

"No! You can't leave, what about your education? Remus, whatever it is, it can't be that bad." Lily tightened her grip on him, restraining him.

"I can't tell you, Lily, you'll only hate me for being such a freak." He refused to meet her eyes until she reached up and grabbed his face, turning it toward her.

"Do not say that. You are not a freak, whatever anyone else may say. Who do you need to escape from? What did he do to you?"

Remus realized that she truly did care for him, and that she would keep this terrible secret like the last one, even if it branded him as someone indecent and immoral. But still, he had to build up the nerve before he could tell her, and simply stared into her beautiful eyes as he waited for the strength to find him.

"It's Sirius, and-" he finally managed before Lily interrupted him.

"What did he do to you? I'm going to hex-" Lily burst out in fury.

"No! It's not that, nothing like that. It's all my fault." Remus was aware that he had started crying, but unlike usual it did not embarrass him. This was one thing he could allow himself, the ability to be angry at his own wretched thoughts. "I… realized that I wanted to kiss him." Remus said, shaking, letting the tears draw out his hate. "And it's wrong, wrong, because he's a guy and I'm a guy and… I'm supposed to want to kiss girls. So now I'm a freak and I can't ever speak to him or look at him again, because then I'd want to kiss him, and what if I lose control of myself and I do kiss him, and he'll hate me, and James and Peter'll hate me, and you'll hate me…"

He started to sob, so Lily hugged him gently, and he wished that he could love her instead of Sirius, because then it'd at least be normal, because she was at least a girl and pretty and that was what guys were supposed to want. It made the sobs turn hysterical because he was afraid and desperate.

"Lily, kiss me, please." He begged her once he could think more clearly. He needed to forget Sirius, needed a pretty girl to take away his indecent thoughts.

She smoothed back the sweaty hair on his forehead, then bent down and kissed him there, like a mother would. And as she leant over him, Remus inhaled, and the soft, feminine scent that was about her filled his nostrils and comforted him. Suddenly, his tears dried and he simply stared mournfully at her and wished with all the power of conscious thought that he could love her instead.

"Oh, Remus…" She sighed, closing her eyes for a brief moment before reopening them to gaze at him. "You're wrong, you know. It isn't indecent to want to kiss him. You've read enough of the muggles' literature, and plenty of the wizards', to know that love between a man and a man, or between a woman and a woman, is never wrong."

Remus was shaking his head, too dependent on his denial to listen to her.

"Do you remember in that book that is so influential among muggles, the Hebrew Bible, how there was a man, King David, who loved another man, whose love 'surpassed that of women', it said."

"No. You're wrong. I'm a freak who has indecent thoughts about his friend, Lily, it can't be right." He removed himself from her grasp and started to walk away, needing to do something, anything, to make himself stop trying to justify this in his mind.

"Remus, wait!" she called, her voice seeming to come from somewhere in the distance.

"Ah, what a pleasant surprise! Mr. Lupin, I never expected to find you in these corridors." An amused voice, Dumbledore's, pierced through his mental walls. Remus stopped walking. Lily ran up and grabbed his arm to keep him from fleeing her again.

"Hello, Professor! How are you doing today?" she asked kindly when Remus didn't respond.

"Very well, thank you, Miss Evens. I was just going to the kitchens for a cup of tea. Would you and Mr. Lupin like to accompany me?" he asked, addressing her now instead of Remus.

"Yes, I would enjoy that. Thank you for the offer, Sir."

Remus heard the exchange hazily through his clouded thoughts, but now that the headmaster had arrived, he had no choice but to let Lily drag him along. The conversation on the way was polite and consisted entirely of small talk, so Remus didn't bother saying a word.

Dumbledore didn't seem surprised when the elves welcomed Remus as if they'd seen him many times before, which they had. Remus watched Lily stare wide-eyed around her at the kitchens, constantly whispering "Wow, I never knew…" to herself. It had been similar to his own first experience here, he realized. He and the others had arrived, skeptical, after being told instructed by the Prewett twins on how to get in.

When it was asked of him, Remus muttered his favorite kind of tea, then waited, silent, while Lily and Dumbledore conversed. In a few minutes, a house elf arrived bearing three steaming mugs, which were placed before the wizards. Remus stared into his tea and felt the warmth of it coil into the air and brush his face. He sighed, fingering the handle on the side of the mug, and started to listen to Dumbledore and Lily speak.

"…Love is certainly a very powerful thing." The headmaster was saying, causing Remus' eyes to widen in surprise. For a moment, he panicked, wondering if Dumbledore had overheard him confess to Lily. His heart still beating wildly, he forced himself to concentrate again.

"I didn't expect to encounter it myself when I was young. I was a very self-confident boy when I was younger, and thought myself beyond such idiocy; for all that love seemed to produce were fools…" Dumbledore took a sip of his tea, then replaced the mug, his eyes glittering in amusement beneath his spectacles. Of course, I soon found out that I was quite wrong about love. It remains one of the happiest times of my life when I kissed that boy for the first time."

Shock caused Remus to nearly choke on his mouthful of tea, which suddenly seemed scalding. He hastily swallowed it, then started to rise from his seat, trembling. "I-I should go. My friends-" he started weakly.

"Sadly, the muggles did not think very well of two boys being in love. For that matter, neither did the wizards. But none of that mattered, Mr. Lupin." Dumbledore said sharply, causing Remus to wince. "Because as long as it brought us happiness, our love was a very good thing. Even if no one else saw that, both he and I knew it. And it did bring us happiness. Love is not something anyone can control, Mr. Lupin, so likewise, it isn't something to be ashamed of." Dumbledore took another sip from his tea and changed the conversation to a different subject, answering one of Lily's questions. Remus quietly left the kitchens and went to the library, where he found one of his favorite novels and started to read it eagerly, seeking only to forget it all.

He didn't see much of the other Marauders anymore. He stayed either with Lily or in the library, alone. Remus knew that he was hurting them by not telling them anything, but that was better than hurting them by telling them the truth. At full moons, they still came, all of them, but in the morning they would be gone, and the only trace of their visits to the hospital wing would be little gifts like chocolate or other sweets.

They knew him well enough that not a single one of them approached him when they knew that he didn't want them to.

But Lily was getting more and more frustrated at him for ignoring her consolations. He didn't want to accept himself. If he did, it meant that there was no way to change it, that it was not just a one-time mistake and a misinterpretation of his own feelings.

"Remus, you can't let this go on. You have to tell him, or if not that, then at least be his friend again. You're destroying him, can't you see?" Lily pleaded one afternoon.

"I can't be his friend again. I've been misleading him all of this time, and I can't just pretend that that hadn't been happening. And I'm not destroying him. He still has James, who is his best friend, and Peter. I'm just their charity case."

"Remus Lupin! Don't even go there! Have you lost all faith in yourself as a person?"

His silence was the only answer he needed to give her.

"Then if you won't be his friend, you need to tell him."

"I can't do that." He sighed, sick of this new secret, sick of living with it, sick with himself.

"You must. Oh, I'm not even going to regret this! Remus, would you tell him if I agreed to do anything that you asked? Any request, just give it, and I'll do it?" she said, raw desperation in her voice. "I can't see you do this to yourself, Remus. You're hurting me, too."

He stared at her, his throat dry. "I'll do it, Lily. You don't have to let me make you do anything, I'll do it anyways."

"You'll promise me, Remus? I'll even give Potter a chance, if you'll be willing to tell Black that you love him."

"You'd be willing to do even that? I do admit, it would be nice for him if you would. He's not a bad person, Lily; he's just been acting that way all of his life and doesn't know how to do it differently…"

"Even that. I'll talk to him now to distract him so that you can be with Black alone. Pettigrew usually stays with Potter, doesn't he?"

"Yes… Tell S-Sirius that I'll be in the kitchens."

Lily nodded, once, and turned away with a smile. When she had gone out of sight, Remus leaned against the wall in a sudden wave of fear, realizing that now, there was no turning back.

Upon reaching the kitchens, Remus started pacing the length of the fireplace in anticipation. He knew that this would be the end of his friendship with Sirius and the others. At least Lily would have gotten a chance at happiness with James. James was lucky, Remus thought, that he loved someone who was able to love him back, who wasn't previously his friend so that there was no friendship for it to destroy.

He didn't notice Sirius enter the room until he felt his stare.

Slowly, Remus turned to face the other boy, meeting those beautiful, shining grey eyes for a moment before he had to look away. Sirius, thank Merlin, did not say anything about Remus' avoidance of him and the others.

"Sirius…" Remus started, anxiety causing his body to quiver.

"Moony?"

"Sirius, can I tell you something? I-it may ruin us. The Marauders." It was almost too much. Remus felt himself withdrawing back into himself, keeping the secret once more locked up inside. He strained against it and straightened his back, leaning into the fire. A house elf offered brownies, but he shrugged them away.

"Oh Moony, that can't happen. We're invincible." Sirius said with all of his usual confidence. "Your furry little problem only made us stronger, remember?"

That was the root of it, Remus thought. The way the others, Sirius, had treated his condition.

"But this isn't like the moon, Sirius. It isn't something that I am forced to endure through a few days a month, no, it is happening to me every moment of my life. It is an agony that I cannot even compare to the moon, because it involves you without your consent." Remus turned away, knowing that he would see pity in Sirius' eyes and that for once, he would hate it. Hate being the object of his friends' attention. Now, he only wished to be a nameless stranger so that what he was about to say wouldn't hurt Sirius or any of the others so deeply.

"B-but Lily told me, t-told me, that I should-" he choked "I-I owed it to you and James and Peter, that I h-had to, to tell you." The words were hurting him, but he had to say them, had to tell.

"Remus… Are you in love with Lily? Is that what you're afraid to do, afraid to betray James?" Sirius asked patiently.

"No! If only… If only it could be that easy, so logical. She's beautiful, and nice, and intelligent, and female, and she kn-knows both of my secrets, but…" The hysterical sobs were threatening to come again, and he knew that if they did it would all be over. He started babbling to distract himself.

"Dumbledore told me that love isn't something to be ashamed of and that it never can be controlled but I know that the muggles won't but- King David- and Lily says that it's okay and that you won't hate me but I know that isn't true because I'm already enough of a freak and now even the muggles will hate me and I'm a freak and I'm different and you will hate me and that I won't be able to live with myself if-"

He cut himself off and pushed Sirius away as the other boy tried to embrace him to calm him down. "No! Don't- you can't- not until you know what I have to tell you!"

There was silence, then, and Remus started rocking back and forth in fear. He took a shattering breath, then another, opened his mouth, closed it, moistened his lips, fidgeted, blinked rapidly, held his eyes open for a long time and sent fevered blank stares at various parts of the room, and all of the time Sirius sat, wearing a worried expression on his face, and waited. Waited.

"Sirius, Iaminlovewithyou." Remus whispered and then the first sob broke and he curled up into himself and wished the world away, muttering over and over "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." until the mantra blended into a single sound "." Never before had he felt so alone and so lost, and in desolation, he waited, knowing, for Sirius' fury to break and for the yelling and the hurt and the fear to come.

Worse, the dead silence. He knew that Sirius was staring at him, though he couldn't see anything, and there were no words, nothing.

Then two arms were around him and he fought and struggled, still repeating "I'm sorry" though the words had long faded into a string of nonsense syllables. Between sobs he cried out "Don't! I've been misleading you all of this time. I'm a liar, and a freak. If you touch me, I might enjoy it too much."

"Remus, Moony…" Sirius whispered into his ear, tightening his hold. "I don't hate you. I can't. All this time, I thought you were avoiding me because you hated me. And this, it is more than I could ask for, to be loved so greatly by someone even if I am born from such a family and have that blood and that cruelty in my veins, my nature, always.

"Love doesn't have to have bounds. My aunt Andromeda loved a muggle despite the knowledge that had been ingrained in us all that wizards were to love and marry only wizards. And uncle Alphard believed that there was no difference between "dark" and "light" wizards, that we were all innately the same. It doesn't matter what blood we have, or how our physical appearance is, Moony." Sirius was shaking, weeping, and his tears were catching in Remus' hair. "You know that. Why, then, are you ashamed to love someone like… me."

"I'm ashamed because I should love girls, not because the one I love is you. The Marauders are brothers. W-we can't let love divide us."

"But will it divide us?" Murmured Sirius. "After all, I seem to remember the bond between Achilles and Patroclus being very strong. And didn't some of the greatest Greek warriors take lovers amongst themselves to make themselves stronger?"

"You know about Greek mythology and history?"

"I read something in a book that interested me, so I went and found out more. We can be like the Sacred Band of Thebes! Though, I don't know if James and Peter would agree to that…"

Suddenly they were both laughing, and Remus realized that it was all going to be okay.

"I don't want it to change, though." He said.

"You don't want what to change?"

"I don't want to lose how we've always acted around each other, Padfoot."

"It won't. I've always thought that you were beautiful, anyways." Sirius said.

Remus turned to face him. "Really?" he asked, breathless.

"Yes. Though it took me a while to realize it." He paused and they were both silent for a few moments. Then, Sirius said "Moony, can I kiss you?"

They shared a look, and something passed between them that showed Remus that Sirius wasn't just being kind to him, that the other boy genuinely loved him. He reached out and traced a finger down Sirius' cheek and felt him shiver slightly at the touch. "Yes."

Both of them leaned in at the same time and clumsily found each other's lips. It was amazing, Remus thought after they withdrew, that he had been so convinced that something wasn't pure and right in this. He should have realized that he knew Sirius better than to judge someone for simple physical characteristics, and that he himself had wronged Sirius for doing so to him. The great wizard Dumbledore had not been ashamed to love another man.

"But, Padfoot, no one can know. Lily can, and Dumbledore, and Peter and James when it is the right time, but no one else. A werewolf like me would be even worse off in the world should people learn of this. The muggles, too, would hate me, and you. We're doomed, Sirius."

All they could do now was to grasp each other tighter and enjoy what time they had. Remus knew with certainty that this love, between two people such as them, was written, crossed, in the stars.

End