I've often wondered if there's ever been a perfect family
Of course she did. Marissa's family was so messed up, surely no one else had these troubles. Well…she knew Sum did. And Luke. And Ryan. But what about Cohen? He was pretty damn lucky. Perfect family life. God how she wished she had that.
I've always longed for undividedness and sought stability
She wished that she could always be with someone. Always have some there, so she wasn't the one separate from everyone else. She wished she was able to be stable throughout everything that happened to her. She hated how she reacted to bad situations.
No one wanted to give her bad news, because they were afraid of what she'd do. Why couldn't she be like everyone else?
A flower taught me how to pray
There was her mom. The beautiful, kind, generous, perfect mother. When Marissa was little she remembered how her mom would tuck her in at night, first pulling the blankets tight over her daughter, then grasping her hand and whispered, "God, our father above in heaven, we thank you for this day and every day there is to come. We pray that you help those in need and help us to keep our family strong. In your name we pray, Amen."
But as I grew that flower changed
As Marissa got older, her mom seemed different. No more praying. No more tuck-ins. No more kisses on the forehead. She was too busy arguing with Jimmy and yelling and crying and blaming all of it on Marissa. How did things get so bad so fast?
She started flailing in the wind
Her kindness began to falter. It swayed back and forth for quite some time. Some days Marissa could come home and her mom would have brownies. They would sit and munch them down and have a quiet, friendly conversation. On other days, she would come home and her mom would be drunk. She would yell at Marissa to get upstairs and not to make any noise. Marissa would lie on her bed and cry for hours…
Like golden petals scattering
All the beauty, the joy, the laughter, all of her mother's personality scattered across the air. She wasn't anything like she had been at all. Her family soon tore apart just like Julie. And so did Marissa's life.
And I miss you dandelion, and even love you
She missed it all. The great family and friends. She loved every single one of those people and now they were gone. They'd abandoned her when they'd decided to change everything they were and betray her.
And I wish there was a way for me to trust you
The old Marissa was so naïve. Everyone was a good person in her mind. But now, after everything she'd been through, Marissa had trouble trusting anyone she met. She didn't even trust her dad anymore, the one person who had loved and cherished her throughout everything.
But it hurts me every time I try to touch you
Every time she said how she felt, every time she tried to get them to go back to how they used to be, Marissa would find herself running away from it all. There was no way she could get them back. No way she could go back to them. Not after everything they'd been through.
But I miss you dandelion, and even love you
I gravitated towards a patriarch, so young, predictably
She remembered waking up early every morning to get to church. And if her parents didn't want to, she'd walk. Every night she would pray that things would change. She prayed that her parents would stop fighting, that she'd find a friend to help her through it all.
I was resigned to spend my life within a maze of misery
She always told herself that this was how it's supposed to be. It wasn't her fault everything had gone wrong. That was what the world had decided, before she was even born. That was what life was meant to be like for her.
A boy and girl befriended me
Her first actual friends- Summer and Luke. They came up to her oen day in kinderarten and asked her to play hide-and-go-seek. Marissa had smiled and nodded her head happily. The rest was history. They were friends for years. She and Luke even started going out. And she and Summer would have sleepovers every weekend.
We bonded through despondency
Every time something went wrong, she had someone to go to. Sometimes she would run all the way to Sum's house. They would sit together on her bed and talk about other things. Happy things. Other nights she'd call Luke and talk with him for hours. It was the only thing that kept her from going crazy.
I stayed so long but finally I fled to save my sanity
Years later, she would realize that running away from her problems only made them worse. Soon everything was weighing down on top of her. Marissa decided that the only thing she could do was leave. If she ignored everything again, she would ruin herself. She had to leave it behind. Come back after she cleared her head.
And I miss you little sis and little brother
How much she had considered Luke and Summer to be like siblings. She knew she would miss them after she was gone. Despite everything that had happened. Her heart would ache without them, and she'd have to lean to get over it.
And I hope you realize I'll always love you
As sure as the sun rose every morning, Marissa would always love Luke and Summer. Even if they betrayed her every minute. They kept her alive for so many years of her childhood. They were the only ones who cared about her. She would always love them.
And although you're struggling, you will recover
She knew they were having troubles of their own. Luke's family splitting. Summer's parent's issues. But if she got through it, well, partly, they would surely make it through the rain. They were stronger than she was. They weren't naive and whiny and overly trusting. They wouldn't give in.
'Cause I miss you little sis and little brother
So many I considered closest to me... Turned on a dime and sold me out dutifully
Luke, when he cheated on her. Holly, when she took Luke from her. Her mom, for too many reasons to count. Luke, yet again, for sleeping with her mom. Oliver, for trying to kill himself. Ryan, for getting Theresa pregnant and leaving her.
Although that knife was chipping away at me...They turned their eyes away and went home to sleep
No one cared anymore. Every time she fell down, they'd leave. Maybe her damsel in distress scenes had gotten to be too much. It wasn't her fault. She didn't ask for it. The least they could do, as friends, was help her. And they didn't.
And I missed a lot of life but I'll recover
She'd missed a happy childhood. She'd never gotten the chance to go out and get muddy with her friends and laugh and play. She was too busy worrying about her mom and dad. She missed being able to fall into a great relationship before she went to college. Everyone she loved left her behind. Either that or she messed things up.
Though I know you really like to see me suffer
She wondered how many people enjoyed her pain. They probably laughed at her every time she broke down and cried for hours. Every time she would get drunk to try and stop the pain. It was like a show for them.
Still I wish that you and I'd forgive each other
How badly she wanted to mend things with everyone. Her mom. Luke. Summer. Ryan. She knew she did stupid things. At least she apologized. They still hated her, she could see it in their eyes. If she had one more day she'd spend it trying to make things right. But she didn't. She was leaving. And they wouldn't care.
'Cause I miss you Valentine...and really loved you.
I really loved you...
I tried so hard...
But you drove me away...
To preserve my sanity...
I found the strength to break away...
Fly...