A/N: Hey all I'm not dead, just really busy. I'll have an update for A Holiday in Montana soon; I promise I just need to type it up. Hope you like this one-shot. And Please review. You guys rock for staying with me!
From underneath I wanted you
To see the first thing
That I ever poured my heart into
You'll never know the pain that I've been through
I'm not so sure, you'll ever know
So I'll make you understand
The words that built my life
Were not from you
But from my father's head
Danny walked up the cold, concrete steps of his parent's old, Staten Island home. Griping tighter to the small hand that held his, he used his other to knock on the wooden door.
"Daniel!" Sofia Messer exclaimed, pulling Danny into a tight embrace, forcing him to drop Lindsay's hand.
"You didn't tell me you were coming. Or that you were bringing a friend!"
"Ma, this is Lindsay." Danny introduced after he had been released from his mother's death grip and re-entwined his and Lindsay's hands again. He gently guided her in front of him to face his mother.
"Hi." Lindsay greeted, slightly nervous.
"Lindsay, it's nice to meet you." Sofia replied, shaking Lindsay's hand enthusiastically.
"Is Dad home?"
"Why yes, you want to see him?" She asked slightly shocked. Usually Danny avoided his father at all costs.
"I have something to show him." Danny smiled coyly, pushing gently past his mother, leading Lindsay into the Messer family home.
"Dad," Danny had a small speech in his head. "I know you don't want to have anything to do with me but I just had to show you something, someone. Dad, this is Lindsay, my girlfriend. I just wanted you to see the first thing I ever put my whole heart into."
Frank grunted.
"After all I did, all I taught you, you bring home this?" He scoffed, "Get this trash out of my sight and you leave too." Danny looked at his father shocked. Sure he had expected this but he had hoped it wouldn't happen.
"How dare you talk to her like that?" Danny's temper went out the window. "And what you taught me? Pft! The only words that ever go through my mind from you are "You useless piece of shit!" No the words that built me didn't come from you, they came from Uncle Mac, you know, our half-brother. He raised me, not you. You have to right to act as though I'm your son. I should've expected this but I gave you another chance and you just lost it." Danny left with Lindsay running to catch up to him. She did when they got outside and she spun him round and held him, tears forming in his eyes.
Do you remember
That cold day in December
Leaving everything we knew behind?
"I'm sorry Lindsay, I shouldn't have come, shouldn't have brought you here." Danny said, looking into her eyes, unsure what he saw there.
"Danny I'm so proud of you!" Lindsay stood on her toes and gently pecked his lips.
They walked down the road, Danny leading them, wanting to show her something. But as they went, curiosity got the better of Lindsay and she asked about what Danny had said to his father.
"Is Mac your uncle?"
"Yeah he is. I didn't have a great childhood but Mac treated me as his own." The look Lindsay gave him urged him to continue. "My father wasn't supportive of my choices, even at the age of 12. He didn't like the fact that I wouldn't hang out with Louie and the Tanglewood boys. He said I needed to toughen up. That's the reason I went with Louie that day, you know how I was almost charged with murder. Anyway, I spent a lot of time with Mac. He's the reason I'm where I am. He got me interested in forensics. It wasn't just that though." Danny smiled at the memory. "One December, Mac took me to Chicago and he told me something. "He said 'you have a future Danny, you have more guts then your brother and more brains then your whole family put together. You will make something of yourself and one day a woman is going to come along and you will make her very happy.'" Danny said in his best Mac-imitating voice. Lindsay laughed and pulled herself tight against Danny's side as they walked.
"You make me very happy."
I may never know how it feels
To stand beside you
Take your hand
When I need some direction
And I may never know what it's like
To see you smile at me
Or
know you'd be proud of me
Danny and Lindsay stopped walking near a large tree. Danny turned his gaze skyward and Lindsay followed suit. When she did, she saw a small fort kind of thing, built in a large tree. Danny started to climb.
"Dan, are you sure this is safe?"
"I thought you were a country gurl Montana? Was I mistaken or are you gonna get your ass up here?" Danny teases. Lindsay chuckled and started climbing. When she reached the fort, Danny was sitting with his legs sprawled and he invited Lindsay to sit in between them. And offer she gladly accepted. After she was comfortable Danny began to speak again.
"As a kid, I was always angry, not just at my dad and Louie but at everyone, everything, especially the kids at my school who had good fathers and families. I used to sit up here after school and punch and kick and just try to let it all out, but it never worked. I would end up watching a family. One day there was this father with his 6-year-old son, teaching him how to ride a bike. Every time he almost fell his dad would catch him and gently encourage him to try again. When he finally got it, he would run to his father and hug him, both their faces beaming with pride. I was so jealous. The only look my dad ever gave me was one of un-satisfaction and disapproval. I tried for so long to make him proud, to make him smile at me like other fathers did to their sons, but I was never good enough." Danny took a shaky breath and Lindsay could tell he was about to cry. Instead of turning to face him she leaned into him more, hugging his arms which were around her middle.
From underneath I promise to
Erase the past
And let my heart forgive the former you
Replace the dark of old
And start brand new
I never thought
I'd see the day
I'd walk towards the end of life
And turn the other way
I'm reaching out to take my father's hand
Once he had recomposed himself, Danny continued.
"You have no idea Montana, no idea how many times I forgave him. Forgave him for hurtin' me, for crushing me. I always hoped he would change. It was like if I prayed enough, God would flip a switch and make him father of the year or somethin'." Danny chuckled at his young ignorance. They sat in silence for a while, Lindsay absorbing what Danny was telling her and Danny contemplating where to tell Lindsay the next bit of the story or not. After 10 minutes he had made up his mind.
"Lindz," Danny said gruffly, gently nuzzling her neck whilst burying his head hint the crook.
"Mmm."
"You see that rope?" Danny pointed to a thick rope hanging from one of the branches. The tree had grown over the loop but the end still hung down, forming another loop. 'Almost like a noose,' Lindsay decided, 'no, he wouldn't have, would he?'
"I put it there when I was 14. I…I decided it wasn't worth it. Putting up with such a crappy life when all I could see was a crappy outcome. Mac's voice came to my mind just as I was about to jump. He was telling me I was worth something, that I had a future. I climbed down and called him.
Do you remember,
That cold day in December
Leaving everything we knew behind?
Lindsay turned around in his arms.
"What happened next?" Lindsay asked, now sitting in his lap.
"Mac stayed on the phone with me till he arrived. I remember the first thing he did was run up and hug me. He kissed the top of my head. In all my life, I have never felt more loved then when he did that. It felt like it lasted a lifetime, you know, and I never wanted to let go. I was scared of letting go of Mac because I thought that letting go of him was letting go of that feeling." Lindsay nodded understandingly.
"Well I finally did let go and was surprised but extremely happy when that feeling stayed. He took me home with him and let me stay the night. We were up till two am talking and laughing. He made me promise never to do something like that again. When I asked him why he said it was because I meant too much to him. That night he offered me a permanent room in his and Aunt Claire's house. Aunt Clair was always so nice to me, treated me like her own too. That night I decided there was no going back to my old life. I went home the next day and collected my things. I didn't have much but I grabbed it all, kissed May on the cheek and told her where I was going and left.
I may never know how it feels
To stand beside you
Take your hand
When I need some direction
I may never know what it's like
To see you smile back at me
Or know you'd be proud of me
"You know Lindz, looking back I don't think life could've worked out any better. I mean yeah my dad wasn't in my life but I had Mac and in my eyes he was my dad.
Lindsay yawned.
"Well I'm sorry to bore you." Danny chuckled and Lindsay gently hit his chest.
"Come on then babe, lets get you home." Lindsay smiled and nodded before beginning her decent down the tree.
Walking back from the subway to Danny's apartment, Danny stopped. He put his hands on Lindsay's waist.
"I love you, you know?" Lindsay nodded.
"I knew as soon as you started telling me about the rope."
This time it was Danny's turn to nod. "You know there was one thing Mac said that I didn't ever believe, till I met you anyway."
"And what would that be?"
"He said I would know the right girl for me when I was able to open up to them. You're the first person I've ever told that stuff to other then Mac. I know this isn't perfect or anything…but…will you…will you marry me?"
"Yes, definitely." Lindsay launched herself into Danny's arms.
"Come with me, one last stop before we go home." Danny took Lindsay's hand, turned around and headed back into the subway.
Half an hour later they arrived on Mac's doorstep.
"Danny, Lindsay, what are you doing here?" Mac asked.
"I need to tell you something." Danny announced.
"Yes?"
"You know how you said all that stuff when I was young about finding the right girl for me?"
"Of course."
"Well you were right." Danny smiled grasping Lindsay's hand. Mac smiled beaming with pride and pulled Danny into a hug. His boy had really grown into a fine man.