A/N: So, this series grows longer by the second. This piece is a one-shot in direct response to Dragon's Tears, and will make absolutely no sense unless you have read at least that. That said, please check out the rest of the series as well: True Revenge, Dark Descent, De Die In Diem, Dragon's Tears, and After the Tears Fell. We can never get enough reviews, and we'd love to know what you think. We're also working on another piece, about Draco curing Adriana's curse. And Foodie is currently posting a story about Teecie's years in Hogwarts, which includes this Draco.
This was an unusual piece, but throughout the series, Foodie has basically been the voice of Lucius, and I of Draco. So, for this piece, she did the letters from Lucius, and I wrote the responses. The letters grew out of the confrontation the two had in the second to the last chapter of Dragon's Tears. We hope you like it.
To everyone who reviewed at least one of the stories, this is for you. :D
Letters
By Elf Flame and Foodie
It took me nearly a month to realize that Mother would not simply give me the letters because I asked. She had been adamant when I had asked for the letters that there were none. She had never seen me truly angry before. All she recalled was the spoiled little boy who had always come and clung to her when angry with his father. No more. She knows now that I am nothing like that boy.
The first time I asked, she feigned innocent confusion. The second, annoyance that I did not believe her. I did not ask the third time. I had learned Legilemency many years before, at father's insistence, and put it to good use. I discovered that the letters had been tucked away in mother's jewelry box, in a secret compartment that only she could open. I didn't ask her to help with that, either. I simply took the box and smashed it to the floor. Eleven letters fell out, each addressed in father's tidy hand. I left her standing there, angry and trembling, and perhaps a little scared of the son she had birthed.
Now, back in my little flat, I pulled out the packet of letters and looked at them. What would I find in these letters? Would they help me find peace at last? Or would my anger grow instead?
I settled into my favourite chair, an armchair that was an exact replica of my favourite chair from back at Hogwarts. It was an old silverwood chair with forest green upholstery, embroidered with the Slytherin emblem. I had had a replica made as a gift to myself for completing my education. I tucked one foot under me, took a deep breath, and opened the first letter.
February
My Dear Son,
It is now the middle of February, and a heavy snow is falling around the house. It's well past midnight, and I'm sitting at the kitchen table writing this letter to you. I'm not sure what I want to say, only that I've been feeling compelled to write to you for a long time now.
My life has taken a sharp turn in the past few months. I believe it is for the better. I recently found out that I have a daughter, Renata, but you already know that don't you? She's really cute. She looks just like you did at her age. You both have the same eyes and hair, and even the same mannerisms. You were an adorable child. I've never told you that before, but I wanted you to know that. She's also very demanding, just like you! I know you're grown now, but I think my life would be nearly perfect if you were here with us.
How has your life been? Have you met any nice girls? How about school? You'll be taking your NEWTS this year won't you? You've always done so well with your classes, I know you'll pass them all with flying colours.
Look at me...I've spent all this time talking around the real issues. I don't even know how to say what it is I have to say to you. I know you must be furious with me. I spent all your young life so far training you to follow in my footsteps, then I pulled the rug out from under your feet. I wish I could talk to you in person about this. But I can't really leave where I'm staying right now. Perhaps when the war is over it'll be safer for me to leave and come to you. Would you like that? Would it be all right for us to meet sometime? I'll wait for your response before I make any plans. I hope I'll hear back from you soon.
-Your Father
I was startled. He sounded so different from the man I remembered growing up. Of course, that had been obvious when he'd confronted me at the manor. Not that I truly wanted to know what had happened to him to make him change as drastically as he had.
The mention of my meeting Reni made me smile. And the fact that I had known of her existence before he had gave me a little thrill. I was lost for a moment, remembering that first meeting. She'd seemed so aware of me. Like she was sizing me up.
I looked back at the letter and was further pleased by the comparisons between the two of us. I'd never given much thought to siblings, but if I had, Reni would have been exactly what I was expecting. Just like me. Maybe too much. Hopefully I would be able to steer her around the bigger 'traps' of being so Malfoy-ish.
The complement, while a bit offsetting to someone of my age…adorable, geez, it makes me sound like a pet puffskein or something…still made me smile. It was possibly the first true, unsolicited compliment he had ever given me. And upon seeing that he had actually wanted me there with them…I had to close the letter and concentrate on my breathing for a moment before I could continue, though when I did, I am sure I had a smile on my face.
At his mention of NEWTs, I found myself recalling all the worst parts of that year. Being deserted by my 'friends' and admirers, and further ignored by the golden trio, as though I were even less than a nuisance. Snape being gone so often that I was almost always alone, and even Potions lessons far from interesting when he was unable to teach. Potter winning Quidditch…again. And the war, quick, deadly, and over before I was even allowed to choose sides…though that had turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Several of the older Slytherins from my earlier years at Hogwarts had died in the fighting, killed by Aurors, and Crabbe, Goyle and Zabini now all visited their fathers once a month in Azkaban.
When I reached his statement that he was certain I would do well, I felt as though I were unable to breathe. This was beyond a compliment. This was something I had been waiting ten years to hear. He was proud of me. He knew I was a good student. My smile reappeared, and I couldn't help but wonder what he had looked like while writing the letter.
The final paragraph, however, was the most arresting of all. He'd wanted to see me. I stilled myself at the words. He'd wanted to come talk to me. I was barely able to keep from crumpling the letter. How dare Mother do this? And how dare I assume that simply because he hadn't written, he didn't want to hear from me. I'd never been shy before at sending letters to him. What had changed me so? Why had I allowed this to happen? At least I could have known that I had tried.
I finished the letter and tucked it behind the others. At least there were more to read. I took a deep breath and moved on to the next one.
March
Draco-
I haven't heard from you yet, so I thought I'd try another letter. I've been trying to think of interesting things to tell you about my life. I've gotten a new cane, this one's for walking with though. My foot was injured before I came to the farm, and has been getting worse lately, what with the cold weather. I bet you never thought your seemingly perfect father would ever be disabled, did you? To tell you the truth, I never did either. But I don't mind it too much. It's a constant reminder of the man I used to be, and the life I left behind. With every step, every shooting of pain, I remember the pain I've caused you and many others in this world. Perhaps over time, I can begin to try to make up to all of those I've hurt.
On a happier note, Renata's been a lot of fun lately. I've enclosed a drawing she made the other day. She likes to walk around, if Adriana or I are holding her hands to help her. She talks and sings constantly. She's such a demanding little child! Always making sure I'm looking at her and paying attention to her. She likes to sit in my lap on the porch swing or in the hammock or the sofa as we read stories. She reminds me so much of you! It tears me up inside to know you're not the little boy you were and that I was not the man I am now to appreciate that time we had together. I remember all of it though. And I know I did love it. I just wasn't able to say sot, or act on it.
It's been raining a lot lately. The plants and flowers are starting to grow around the farm. There's an olive tree at the top of a hill here. I like to sit under it and think about life. I've been dealing with a lot of things from my past. Things that go back a long time. Adriana's been really supportive of me. It's tough to talk about things, but she's real helpful. I'm very grateful to have her in my life.
Oh, I was going to tell you about--
I'd better end this letter now. Renata just woke up from her nap and needs her nappy changed. I'll write again soon, I promise. I hope to hear from you soon.
-Your Father
Lucius Malfoy
I was glad I'd left the Black estate before I'd started reading these letters. The anger at mother grew with each mention that Father had tried to contact me. True, mother had good reason to keep us apart before father's incarceration, but there was so much that might have been resolved had I simply been able to hear from him, even if only once.
I wondered where father's injury had come from. Had he been injured during the fight at the Ministry, or later? I recalled my harsh words about his time with Voldemort afterwards, and was nearly nauseous with the shame. Father had been used and horribly abused. And I had used his pain to hurt him further. If I'd needed reason to believe that Lucius had changed, that, if anything, had proved it. The old Lucius would have made sure that I was paid back tenfold for embarrassing him in such a way, but this new Lucius had simply been angry at me for speaking about it, nothing more.
As I read his chatter about Reni, I was unable to keep from feeling horribly jealous. This was the father I'd always dreamed of. Spending time with Reni just because he enjoyed it. What I wouldn't have given for even a taste of that. The drawing itself was little more than a scribble, but father had written Reni's name and age on it. I sighed as I folded the sheet back up. But soon I was chuckling as I thought of the ways I could torment Reni with it. Still, the sense of loss, for this man who could have been…who had been my father…but not. Why had he never shown this side to me? And now it was too late to have that. Certainly we could become friends, but we would never have the simple friendship he would be able to have with the girls. That shared experience of a pleasant day just spent together because we enjoyed it. I took a deep breath and read on.
The idea of Lucius living full time on a farm was quite amusing. My father, the grand Lucius Malfoy, who hated being out in the rain for even a moment, let alone getting near anything that might be considered "dirty" had spent the last several years on a farm. I couldn't help the chuckle that erupted at the thought. My father, the farmer. Even now, after seeing him there, and knowing just how much he had changed, it was still an odd picture.
I quickly skimmed over the mention of her.I didn't really want to get used to the idea of father with…that woman. True, she was my sisters' mother, but…That didn't mean I had to like her.
The end of the letter caught me by surprise. My father changes nappies? It was an appalling, and at the same time, amusing thought. I'm sure he never so much as touched me when I was less than perfectly clean. The thought that he did everything now with little to no help…I swallowed.
I sat for a moment, just looking down at the letter I held. This was such a different picture of Lucius. Almost as though there were two Lucius Malfoys: one who had raised me to be the callous, uncaring, pureblood Death Eater's son, and the other, who seemed to have no qualms about getting dirty, showing his feelings, or even simply wasting a day to be with his child. I quickly swallowed the jealousy that filled me. It would do no good, and could only serve to make me angrier. I could never have what I wanted, because I was an adult now. But maybe, just maybe, there was hope for the two of us to become friends?
I put the letter aside and reached for the next unopened letter.
April
Dear Draco-
I know you aren't responding to these letters, but I feel I must keep trying. I know you're busy with school, revising for your NEWTS. Try to take the time to have some fun. That's a very important thing for a person your age. How's Quidditch going? I know how much you enjoy the sport. I know I pressured you terribly, and I probably took all the fun out of it for you. I sure managed to take a lot of the joy out of your life, and I will hate myself forever because of that.
So, I never had a chance to tell you that I heard you changed your name from Malfoy to Black. I wanted you to know that I understand. To tell you the truth, I've often thought about changing my last name. I don't know to what, but not Malfoy. The very name leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. It seems to sap the life and freedom out of all who bear that name. Your sister has her mum's last name. It was a choice Adriana made after Renata was born, but I agree that it was the safest choice for her. After this war is over, those with connections to people like me will be in danger of persecution. I hope that doesn't happen to you.
Your sister said the cutest thing the other day. Adriana and I were talking to her about maybe having another brother or a sister some day, and Renata looked up at me, frowned, and said, "Babies stupid! I wanna snake!" Isn't that just adorable? I suppose now is as good a time as any to tell you that you'll be having another sibling this coming winter. Adriana and I decided to have another child. Perhaps some day you can meet him or her.
I don't know how this makes you feel. I don't want you to feel as though you're being replaced, because you're not. This is such a hard thing to explain to a person who doesn't have kids of his own. A parent can have love in his heart for many children. It doesn't mean that you love the older ones less. It just means you love them all. Hopefully someday, you'll have many children of your own and will understand what I'm talking about.
I hope to hear from you soon,
-Your Father
The comment about not responding to these letters caused a new emotion to rise in me—guilt. Had he thought I didn't want to hear from him? Or that I was burning them without reading them? Perhaps I should have tried. Written him at least once. But how was I to know how he had changed? All I had known was the man who punished me for every little thing. The man to whom strong emotions aside from disgust, pity and anger were weaknesses. How was I to know that my letters would not have simply been answered with derision or scorn? So many chances lost.
The mention of Quidditch that year made me scowl. The losses we'd had that year were truly appalling. So many of the Slytherins deserted the school that year that we'd had no chance. Each game we'd had at least one new team member. But the worst was the fact that it had been Gryffindor's best year ever. They'd won the cup that year with well over two hundred points above Ravenclaw. And Potter had been so smug. Thank god I never had to see him again. Not in person, anyway. At least the old Lucius had not been there to scorn our losses. That would have made a horrible year completely unbearable.
Reading that he not only didn't blame me for changing my name to Black, but that he would have done the same as well was hard to come to terms with. I recalled the mix of emotion at the final meeting to legally change my name. I had wanted to hurt him. And what better way to do it than to deny the name he had told me was the most important thing he had ever given me. The name that was the definition of who I was. And yet, he too felt that the name was perhaps not as worthy as he had once stated. Truly, the name change had done nothing to change who I really was. Deep inside, I still thought of myself as Draco Malfoy.
I wondered if things might have been different if father had completely broken with the name. Would we have been closer? Happier? Unlikely. And yet…it was something to think about. Perhaps we could talk about it more when I saw him again.
The thought that even before the war had concluded that he had worried for my safety warmed me. It felt good to know that I truly held more than just the place marked "heir" in his heart.
Reni and snakes. She was definitely going to make one hell of a Slytherin. I couldn't wait to see it. Perhaps Severus would allow me to attend her sorting.
The mention of my second sister sent me into a spiral. Kali. I could see that angry face glaring up at me. Felt her speeding by my on my broom as she tried desperately to escape from my room. Would she ever forgive me for what I had done? Would she ever like me? And then another memory, a still darker memory washed over me. That Christmas when I had first gone to spy on them. I could feel the nausea choke me once more, the desperate rage that had filled me…the sense of loss.
I threw the letter on the top of the first two and left the room. It was time for a break. I needed some air. I'd come back when I could think of them without wanting to tear something to shreds.
/
I came back to the room where I had left the letters several hours later. I was calmer, having written a note to father that I was reading his letters, that most of them had survived unscathed, and that I would like to visit him after I had read them all. That perhaps we could talk more calmly this time, in some neutral territory, before I left for the continent.
Picking up the next letter, now, I began to read.
May
Dear Draco-
I've been busy with the farm lately. I partook in the most disgusting thing I've ever done before! I helped Adriana with the lambing. It is so horrible! I'm still trying to get those awful images of the babies out of my head! You must think I've gone completely off my nut! I don't think I'll be doing that ever again! I do better with the milking and gathering eggs. It's a bit cleaner, though not much!
Renata loves to look at the baby animals. I take her out every day in the mornings, to give Adriana a chance to sleep in. She's awfully tired now. Renata still doesn't seem to like the idea of a sibling. She seems perfectly content with just us. Hopefully she'll like the baby once it's born!
You must be terribly nervous over the thought of your NEWTS. You have less than a month! I'm very nervous for you too! I remember when I took mine. It was so much pressure. But I have every confidence in you that you'll do just fine.
Have you given any thought to what you'd like to do once you leave school? What kind of a job do you want? Any plans on finding a nice girl and settling down? Starting a family? I hope you don't think I'm prying, I just wish the best that life can give you.
Good luck next month! Hopefully I'll hear from you soon to find out how everything went.
-Lucius
I scanned over the first paragraph several times, uncertain of just what lambing was. Though obviously it was far from pretty. Letting my curiosity get the better of me, I pulled a dictionary from my library and was horrified to discover just what father had been doing. Ew. Changing nappies was one thing, but watching animals give birth? Worse, helping them? Truly disgusting.
I was still rather amused by the idea of father being a farmer, though. Perhaps I would buy him a straw hat for his next birthday.
Upon reading of Reni's life on the farm, I couldn't help but wish that she had had access to the lifestyle that I had grown up in. She was just the kind of girl who needed that life. Pampered and spoiled. She would have been the perfect little princess. I promised myself that whatever else I did, I would make sure to fund each of the girls a party to find them proper husbands when the time came. They deserved no less, after all. They were my sisters.
Recalling my early conversations with Reni about her sisters, I knew that they would rarely be more than nuisances to her. She didn't so much dislike them as dislike being near them all the time. Perhaps when they were all older, father's wish might become reality. Only time would tell.
My NEWTs that year had gone surprisingly well. With no one to bother me, and tons of free time due to the fact that after several attacks in the middle of April the school had been closed to anyone, coming or going, all of my time, right up to the very end of the NEWTs were spent studying. I had passed most subjects quite easily, and had even actually beaten out Granger in both Potions and Arithmancy. Though that may have had something to do with all the problems Potter had been having at the time.
During those months, I had given no thought to what I would do when I left school, and so the final day had taken me a bit by surprise. I had felt rather at a loss. The War had finally ended. Voldemort was gone, and for once I had been rather pleased that I hadn't gone to his side. But there was such a great sense of loss. I had nothing to do, and had grandfather not suddenly gotten sick, I might have gone after father that much sooner. There was no thought in my head at all for any long-term plans. Every thought I gave towards any future actions had revolved entirely around my father. And revenge.
I folded the letter. I supposed I was lucky things had turned out as well as they had. Guilt still filled me for the pain I had caused him. Revenge had helped nothing, but had instead left me feeling emptier than I had been before. At least there was hope that some of the damage between the two of us could be repaired.
I reached now for the next letter, curious to see what else he had written about.
June
My Dear Draco-
So, it's all over by now. You've completed your schooling at Hogwarts. How does that feel? Exciting yet unsettling? Bittersweet? You must have a few good memories of your friends and classes. And all those girlfriends you must have had. I can't tell you enough how proud I am of you. It's not easy to get through school, but you did it. You can hold your head up high and move onto the next thing in your life knowing you accomplished a great thing. I hope you'll take great pride in that as well.
The property is beautiful this time of year. It's getting warmer and the sun is shining. Every morning I get up early and go outside to milk the cows and gather the eggs. I love to stop and take in the silence and utter beauty of this world that I now live in. I hope you can do that too sometimes. Stop, look around, and see the beauty in life. Because we only get one life to live. I wasted so much of mine and I can't stand the thought of taking even some of that happy time from you. Perhaps, sometime, we can meet somewhere and talk. You just name the place and I'll be there.
I have to go now, Adriana is calling for me.
-Your Father
The first sentences of the letter sent me into a spiral of emotion. Anger. Sadness. And then the revenge had filled me. It had been the worst part of my life. I had been unable to concentrate on the excitement that my peers had felt. That we were finally fully-fledged wizards, that the war was over and we were free to be whatever we wanted, that the world was indeed our oyster. Instead I had focused only on Lucius. On the pain he had caused me, and how he had left me to my own devices. I had felt abandoned, ignored, and unimportant. There had been no time to recognize all that life now had to offer me.
There were no friends, and even less likelihood of a girlfriend after Lucius had disappeared. But now I could see that was my own doing more than anything else. The friends I'd had before father's time in Azkaban had been chosen by him for me, and I had never tried to make other friends, aside from one time, and even that had been manipulated, suggested, and any true possibility of friendship ultimately ruined by my father. After Lucius's capture, I had stopped spending time with my old "friends." Either because their fathers no longer wanted them near me, or because I myself had changed, as I had become sullen and hostile. And I certainly had spent no time looking for new friends.
As for girlfriends, I had had even less time for them. I had dated Pansy for a short while in our fourth and fifth years, but really, that had been more for image than anything else. After all, it wouldn't do for a Malfoy to have no girlfriend. And at the time, father had been going on about how it wouldn't do for me to look as though I couldn't get a date. And since Pansy was my equal in Slytherin, there was really no choice. None of the other girls in our house had been worth it. The ones that had wanted me, wanted me only for my name, position, and money, and after Lucius had been jailed, they suddenly found more interesting boys to drool over. And good riddance, too. So I had asked Pansy to the Yule Ball, in fourth year, and spent the next year trying to pretend that I liked having her hang off me. After Lucius had been arrested, however, her father was quick to tell her to break it off, and after a huge crying bout she had, quickly latched onto Blaise Zabini, who had basically taken my place at the top of the Slytherin heap.
Bitterness filled me as I read how wonderful his life had been while I had been going through such turmoil. I could feel the old anger resurface. How dare he have such a good life, when he had left mine in tatters? How dare he give me advice on how to enjoy life when he had taken all enjoyment away?
The last two sentences left me thoroughly annoyed. Where, exactly would we have met? And why, exactly, hadn't he simply come to Black Manor? My anger flamed. It was all the fault of that woman. How dare she interfere in our lives? Everything was all her fault. Without her, father would have returned to find me, but she helped him hide from his life. Possibly insisted on it. She had taken him from me, and for that, I could never forgive her.
July
Draco-
Please forgive me if this letter is not too long. Adriana...had a miscarriage. I had been looking so forward to this. She'd just been starting to show. I've been trying to explain to Renata about what happened. She's too young to really understand. Sometimes I feel like I'm too young to understand.
So, how is your life going? I hope you're enjoying being done with school. Are you making plans for what to do next? You were always so good with potions. You might consider pursuing that further.
Sometimes I wonder if you're ever going to write back to me or not. I know you're upset with me, and you have every right to be, but I miss you. You're my son and I want you in my life. I don't want to badger you and I don't want to force you. I suppose you'll contact me when you're ready.
Please, I want to see you.
-Your Father
My father's first words startled me. I had simply assumed that this child was Kali. Exactly how many times had they tried for more children? Had I been right? Had father just been trying for another son?
How could he not understand Reni's response? I could almost picture it. Knowing her, she had probably been quite pleased, if worried for her mother…if she understood any of the true reasons behind what was going on with her parents, that is.
The next paragraph brought with it a surge of annoyance. How dare he? Even when he wasn't in my life, he was still trying to plan it for me. He had no right. Not after taking all his previous plans for me and tearing them to shreds. I could make my own life, thank you very much, and entirely without his interference.
But the final paragraph brought true rage. How could he want to see me so much, and only attempt one form of communication? No matter what else, there was simply no excuse. Obviously, the letters had not been working. But there had been nothing keeping him from contacting me in other ways. How dare he assume anything? Why hadn't he even tried to visit me?
September
My Son-
I'm sorry for taking so long to write to you. I just needed more time to deal with stuff. The farm will be harvested soon. It's a wonderful time of year at the property. The leaves are turning golden and starting to fall off the trees. We'll be making cider and pumpkin juice for the school soon. I never thought I'd enjoy working, but I find it's very peaceful.
Renata has been a great comfort during this hard time. She likes to crawl into our bed and sing us songs. I wish you could know her better. You'd love her, and she you. I've enclosed a few more drawings of hers. She told me the green one was a snake and the red one was a snowman. I'm thinking she might be an abstract artist, what do you think?
I hope your life is going well. How does it feel to have the new school year started but not be there? I'll bet it's wonderful! Oh, I wanted to tell you, that if you ever wanted to, Adriana and I would love for you to visit the property sometime. The house isn't too big, but there are rooms you could stay in if you wished. I know from the lack of responses these letters have been getting that you most likely have no interest in visiting, but we did want to extend the invitation. And no, you wouldn't have to go anywhere near the animals! I hope to hear from you soon! I love you very much.
-Your Father
Lucius Malfoy
I skimmed past the farm references, only stopping when I reached the mention of Reni. I wanted to enjoy the happy picture, but it was a bit too jarring. The thing that came to mind was the image of seeing the four of them that one Christmas. So happy, as though they had no troubles in the world. As though I didn't even exist.
I distracted myself by unfolding the two pictures. The snake was definitely my favourite. It looked a bit like a green rose. The other looked more like Snape's profile than anything else. I refolded the picture and continued to read.
Ah, yes. The lovely Autumn after I had finished school. But then father probably wouldn't know anything about that, would he? I had spent the majority of my time at Grandfather's side, trying desperately to get him to pull through. But he had simply faded away. The loss of two daughters and his wife had been more than he was willing to live through, and with me taking on the family name to continue the line, there was nothing left for him to do. And here was father telling me how wonderful my life must be…I frowned against the bitter feelings, but read on.
By the time I finished reading the next few sentences, it was all I could do to keep myself from tearing the letter to shreds. Never would I visit that farm. Not with that woman there. How could he even suggest it? How could he not understand? She had destroyed my life. Every chance of a happy life had gone out the window when she had appeared. I could never visit with that woman…animals or not.
October
Dear Son-
Well, tonight was Hallowe'en. Did you have any fun tonight? I hope you had a party with all your friends. We kept it low key here ourselves. Adriana bought some sweets and I carved a pumpkin with Renata's help, but other than that, we just sat on the sofa and watched the telly.
The harvest is finally done. We supplied the school with pumpkin juice, and sold off all the excess cheeses and butter we've been making. There are also bags of flour and vegetables to sell off to the local farmer's market. We did pretty well this year actually. We cooked a feast for ourselves and the other workers to celebrate when we finished the harvest. I've been practicing cooking lately, it's actually a lot of fun. And Adriana's a great cook. She's so old, she's had time to perfect her skills. I'm still just learning, but I'm getting better at it.
How has your life been lately? I hope everything is going well. I know that you probably aren't even reading these letters. You probably burn them as soon as they arrive without even opening them, but I have to keep trying! Now that the war is over, I might be able to leave the property. I could come over to Black Manor and see you if you'd like. Is that something you'd want?
I won't go into too much detail about how I came to stay here, and was allowed to stay, but I can tell you that Adriana and I met with the Minister of Magic, yes Arthur Weasley, and worked out something that we could all live with. I am free to live on the property, and even travel to the Wizarding World on occasion, so long as Adriana is responsible for me. She's my parole officer I suppose. In exchange, I signed confessions of all the unspeakable crimes I've committed over the years as a Death Eater. It was quite a humbling and humiliating experience I can assure you. I know you must feel that I've gotten off far too easily. I deserve to spend the rest of my life in Azkaban after getting a Dementor's Kiss. But I want the chance to try and make up for what I've done. I want to bring some good into this world. I'm trying to be less selfish, and hateful, and more loving and helpful. I know I sound horribly trite, talking about this, but I've come to see the value in it. It's a struggle still, and I assume it will always be. But I won't stop trying.
I'll stop for now, I've been rambling on for quite a while. It's getting colder out now, make sure you wear warm clothes. I remember how cold your little hands got in the winter. What am I saying? You're a grown man now, I'll just stop.
-Your Father
Hallowe'en. Like I'd had any chance to do anything but plan for what would come after grandfather's death at the time. He had lingered quite long, disrupting the rest of that year, and dealing with legalities, though I had started meeting with the solicitors well before his death, had still taken several months after his funeral to complete. That funeral had been the last time I'd seen anyone from Slytherin house. My "friends." None of them even attempted to come see me after coming to express their condolences. All I can recall of the funeral was the obvious display put on by the girls I had attended school with. It seemed I was a catch once more. It had sickened me. And so I had cut off all contact with my former housemates. And truly, good riddance. I doubted I'd try to regain any of those ties, even after I returned from Europe.
I read the next paragraph in rising ire. How dare that woman corrupt father this way? He was meant to be looked up to, waited on, not turned into a servant! And worse, she had turned him into a Muggle. How dare she? I wanted my real father back. The powerful man who had known his worth, who had simply taken what he wanted, with no excuses. But then, too, he would still be the cruel man who had punished me for imagined misdeeds, just because he felt like it. Why couldn't he simply be loving without being so weak?
My life. He didn't want to know how my life had been going. He just wanted to pretend that he had done the right thing, so he could ignore me. Why hadn't he even tried to come to see me? At least give me the chance to turn him away? I probably would have, but even so… He should have.
He had been turned into that woman's lap dog. No wonder he had never left her property. Weasley had probably made him her slave, via some spell, and father hadn't even realized it. How had brainwashed him so easily? I can't imagine that he simply sat there and took this. Where had the Lucius Malfoy who had a backbone gone? I'd find a way to restore him if it was the last thing I did. I wouldn't let her hurt him this way.
His last words to me seemed off. Father had never cared if I was cold. He had always told me to suck it up. "Be a man, son. You can take it. You are a Malfoy." This did not feel like the man I knew. Whatever they had done had gone deep. It would probably take a lot to free him from her power. I might never be able to do so.
November
My Dear Draco-
It's a bitter cold day out today. The wind is howling and it's scaring your sister. She's sitting on my lap right now as I write this to you. I've got a big pot of spaghetti sauce bubbling on the stove. It smells really nice. It's too big for just the three of us though...we'll just freeze the leftovers for meals later on. You know, my spaghetti sauce is really good. Maybe you could come over some time and I can make it for you. I love cooking pasta. It's so versatile.
Renata has just informed me that she knows it will snow tonight. She says she had a dream about it. We'll see if she was right. It does feel like it could snow though.
How are you? I wish I knew more about what's happening with your life. I keep wondering if you are getting these letters or not.
Adriana's been working outside in the cold weather a lot lately. It doesn't really matter to her though, she doesn't feel it. The miscarriage really hit her hard. She's been quite depressed lately. The baby would have been due sometime this month if it had survived. It's terribly painful for me too whenever I think about it. Adriana always thinks hard work is good to work through pain. It does work, it worked for me. Snape asked her again to come up to the school to teach. That McGonagall woman was Headmistress last year, but now, he's in charge of the school and wants a new Muggle Studies professor. I'm not sure if he thinks she'd be a good teacher, or if he just wants her closer to him. I always have to keep my eye on him though.
Anyway, enough about that. You probably could care less about all of this. Christmas is coming soon. You're welcome here if you want to come over for a visit. I made you a gift. I'd love to give it to you in person. Write back if you're interested, otherwise, I'll just send it to you. I put a lot of thought into it. It took a lot of time to make it just right.
I hope to hear from you soon. I hope you have a Happy Christmas. I remain forever,
Your Father-
Lucius Malfoy
I couldn't help but be amused of the description of my father's new life. My father, the house-husband. And willingly eating leftovers? Dear god. What had happened to the man I had grown up with? It was almost as though this was a different man, wearing my father's skin. I was amazed he hadn't cut his hair, along with all the other changes he'd made.
The mention of Reni was interesting. Was it possible that Reni had precognitive abilities? That could make life interesting. Of course, she hadn't shown any in the time we'd spent together, but that meant very little. I'd have to remember that in the future.
Pasta. Yes, it was rather versatile, wasn't it? I smiled, becoming lost in memories of feeding the girls fusili. And just how horrified Kali had been at the colour of the pesto sauce. Perhaps I would have to cook for father sometime. I continued to smile to myself as I read on.
I gritted my teeth at the now-expected blather about that woman. Why on Earth did father think I would have any interest in her? As far as I was concerned, I wished she'd never existed. I certainly wish father and I had never met her. And as for her working at the school? Why in the world did Snape hire her? Father's speculations about the two of them amused me, however. I knew Snape had wanted her. Perhaps if he had pursued the chit, we wouldn't be in this mess now.
The mention of a gift caught me of guard, though. Father had sent me a gift? Perhaps it was time for a longer talk with mother. How dare she presume to keep anything from me? I put the letters down and strode across the room to the decanter of brandy that sat on the sideboard and poured myself a finger and threw it back. Apparently everyone knew what was best for me but me. I took a deep breath. There were only two remaining letters. I could do this. I returned to the chair I had been sitting in and picked up the next letter.
December
Dear Son-
It's New Year's Eve. I've been sitting here, thinking about the year I've had. It was a year of change, of adjustment, a year of great happiness and equally great sorrow. I hope your year has been filled with joy and love.
How was your Christmas? Did you get what I sent you? I made it because it made me think of you. Did you get the pictures Renata drew for you? She told me the green one was a Christmas tree and the blue one is the baby Jesus. Adriana's been reading her Bible stories. I don't know a whole lot about that book, but I flipped through it once, it's not so bad. I might give it a try someday, just to see what the big deal about it is.
I've been thinking about what New Year's resolutions I should make. I need to try harder on my attitude. It's so hard sometimes to not be too harsh towards people. I want to write to you, but I find it very difficult to not get any responses. I know now that you aren't interested in hearing from me, and I can't say I blame you. I think I've been living in a dream world where I've been hoping that you'll just come running back to me. As if anything I could ever say or do could begin to make up for what I've done to you in the past. Perhaps it's just best if I stop. Maybe it's hurting you to even hear from me at all. If this is the case, then I am truly sorry. But you have to understand that I had to try.
The clock just struck midnight. It's the New Year already. The house is silent right now. Renata is asleep in her crib. Adriana is asleep in our bed. I'm sitting at the kitchen table again while I write this to you. I hope this New Year brings you so many good experiences. You're young and this is the time in your life to try out all that you can. Hopefully, soon enough, you'll have a wife and children to keep you busy, but now, this is your time. Enjoy it for as much as it can give you.
Well, I'm pretty tired, and I have to get up early to gather the eggs and milk the cows. Farm animals don't take holidays it seems. I'd love to hear from you soon, but I know I won't. Oh, I almost forgot, Renata found a feather the other day, she gave it to me. It's only a chicken feather, but I thought you might find it cute. I thought it was. I'll say goodbye for now.
Your Loving Father-
Lucius Malfoy
My year filled with love? I couldn't help but snort. Where on earth did he think that love exactly would have come from? And if anything, joy was even less likely.
My fury at mother rose at the mention of Reni's pictures. Another piece of my past lost because of her meddling. She had no right. We would be having that talk soon, I thought to myself. No one had the right to take anything from me.
As for that woman polluting my sisters' minds with that Muggle book, that was just outrageous. And why in the world would he think I wanted anything to do with anything Muggle? He was the one who raised me to know that Muggle things were useless.
How could he just assume that I didn't want to hear from him? Couldn't he have just tried to come see me? True, I probably would have laughed in his face and turned him away, but he never even gave me the chance! Instead I lived for years thinking he was ashamed of me. All I wanted was to have my father back. Even the old, harsh one. I would have given anything for it.
I thought back to the year that he was ushering in in this letter. A year when my rage had finally taken over. When I had finally seen exactly what had happened to my father. That he didn't need me. I was rocked once again with the memory of that December evening, peeking through their window, and the happy family picture they had presented, without me. How I had felt that I was useless. A castoff. I put my head in my hands and tried to breathe.
After I managed to regain my calm, I looked back at the letter. The mention of marrying made me pause. Before fifth year, I'd known it was expected of me, but now? Why, after everything my parents had gone through in their marriage, would I want to inflict the same fate on myself? I recalled when it was simply something that would eventually happen, but now I had a choice, and I couldn't imagine putting myself through that. If I could prevent it, I would never marry. Maybe Potter had the right idea, going gay…I smiled at the thought. Potter, doing anything right? That would be the day.
At the mention of the feather, I looked back inside the envelope and discovered the rumpled, crumpled remains of a silvery-golden feather. It just felt as thought that feather suddenly represented everything about my relationship with Lucius. Tattered and broken, and nearly lost for all time. I dumped the letters on the chair I had been sitting on and stormed to the liquor cabinet once more and poured another shot, knocking it back, then turning and throwing the glass at the fireplace grate. Why did I have to have this life? It wasn't fair. I was supposed to be the golden boy, follow in my father's footsteps, and never have to question anything. I hated feeling this way. It took me several long minutes before I could calm down and read the final letter of the bunch.
January
My Dearest Draco-
This is going to be my last letter to you. I just get the feeling that all of these attempts to talk to you are just hurting you over and over again, not helping. So I am sitting here, trying to think of the best way to explain everything that has happened to me over these past few years. I've glossed over a lot of things in the letters so far. I owe you an explanation for why I wasn't there for you when you were younger. I never was the father you deserved to have. You should have had a father who was able to show his love for you. But you were stuck with me, for which I am truly sorry. Not for me, for you were the best thing that has ever come into my life.
I had to leave you behind. I know you wanted more than anything to follow in my footsteps and become a Death Eater. But by the time you were old enough, I'd finally come to see what Voldemort was really about. My coming to be his follower was all based on a lie. When this was revealed to me, I renounced my life as a Death Eater, and left those ways behind me. But even before that time, I knew I didn't want this life for you. He would have killed you. So I kept you from him. I know you were angry and thought I hated you, but I did it out of love, for your own good. I figured you might hate me forever, but at least you'd have the time to do so.
I know by now, after all these other letters, that you don't want me in your life. I will respect that. I have contemplated trying to find you, to see you face to face, but I will admit, I've been terrified at the idea of what your reaction to me would be. I don't think I could handle seeing how angry you are at me, and so I've stayed away. I guess what it all boils down to, is that I'm scared. There are so many things I'm afraid of now. I'm afraid of seeing your mother again, of looking her in the eye, and trying to speak to her. I'm afraid to leave the farm. It's safe and peaceful, and I feel free here. I'm scared to see my former colleagues and know what they think of me, but more scared to see the families of my victims and feel their hatred to see that I'm alive.
Anyway, again, this will be my last letter. But please know that I love you and want you in my life. If, someday, you are ready to see me again, all you have to do is ask, and I'll be there. No matter how far away you are, I'll come to you. This is my promise to you. This is my vow.
I hope for the best for you in your life. I wish you great love and happiness. I wish you peace of mind and heart. Please know that I am always here for you.
Your Father-
Lucius Malfoy
I read this last letter numbly. Of all the things I'd ever expected from my father, apologies were the least likely. The admission that he loved me probably came second. I had always wanted his approval and love, but deep inside, I had always known I could never get either. That I was a bad son, unworthy. To have him say that it was not me, but him, that had caused this…was breathtaking. And that he had tried to protect me from making his own mistake was even more so. Did this mean he did love me? That he had protected me because he cared for me as much as for my sisters?
Father's fear caught me even more by surprise. The man I'd known would never have admitted to being scared, and when he was scared, he lashed out. His colleagues weren't worth being worried about, but his victims, and their families…I'd come across a few myself in the past month, and though I was not my father, they'd been far from pleasant meetings. As for mother dearest, she wasn't worth his concern. She had enough to pay for herself. I'd begun to wonder just how innocent she was in all this…
Perhaps it was time to show him that I understood. That I was grateful he had at least tried. Perhaps it was time that these letters were finally answered. I moved to my desk, pulled out a piece of parchment and began to write.
January
Father,
I have just finished reading the letters you sent me. Mother had them all this time, though the gift you sent that year did not survive. She and I have had a little talk, though I think another is in order. I suppose she thought her heart was in the right place, though I am getting mightily sick of people feeling that they need to protect me.
Thank you for sending so many letters, despite the fact that you got no responses. I still wish that you had at least tried to see me, but I am well aware that I probably would have done little more than slam the door in your face. Now that we have talked, I can only hope that things will improve between us.
I think the girls are quite lucky to have you as their father. You have definitely changed from when I was their age. I watched you with them for a long time before I began to speak with the girls, and I have to admit I was quite envious of your attentions to them. Even Renata seems to appreciate your attentions, even if she doesn't appreciate her sisters.
I hope that in the next few years that I will be able to visit with you and the girls, as I would miss them horribly. We became quite close the days we spent together. I only hope that Kali will forgive me some day. I will be leaving in a month. Perhaps we could see each other again before then? Let me know if you will have time.
Your son,
Draco
I read through the letter one last time, then folded it, put it in an envelope, and sent my eagle-owl, Selene off with it.
It was time to move on. I smiled, tucked father's letters into one of my already packed bags, and went to my bedroom to begin packing my clothes. Who knew what would await me in Europe?