You were my shoulder to cry on.
~1
"Clare we need to talk" K.C said before he got on his bus, I hated those words. They were worse than your best friend telling you you're too uptight. I slumped my way towards my bus wondering what I did wrong to make him want to break up with me. I didn't change. Not even a little bit. Or maybe that was the problem itself. Nothing made sense in my world.
I boarded the bus giving the bus driver a fake smile, and sat down in an empty seat. I took out my copy of 'Romeo and Juliet' and put my ear buds in, Blocking out the sound and pretending I was Juliet and I had the perfect love, not K.C. Minutes went by, I couldn't concentrate on the book; I kept thinking 'what did I do that was so wrong to make K.C want to break up? Was I not pretty enough? Was I too uptight like Ali told me last year?' I thought I changed, No more private school uniform, no glasses, I even cut my hair. I threw the book down next to me and pulled out my English assignment, Eli had made every single correction he could have, just to annoy me. Sometimes I question my friendship with him. He even pointed out how I had made my 'H' look too much like an 'N'. I laughed to my self at how Eli was such a perfectionist, well only when he wants to get on my nerves. I looked over to see Heather get off the bus, my stop was next. I folded my English paper and put it in my back pocket, I rapped my ear buds around my old first generation IPod and got ready to stand up and go home. And wait for the dreaded call, or text or maybe even email, from K.C to break up with me.
"Hello Clare" My mom greeted me when I walked through the door, if I was too uptight for K.C I defiantly know which parent I got it from. My mom doesn't even greet me regularly, no 'Hey sweetie' It's always 'Hello'.
"Hi, mom" I said dropping my bag next to the coat rack.
"How was your day?" she asked getting dinner out of the refrigerator.
"Great" I said walking up the stairs, I made it partially to my room until I heard the phone ring, My heart stopped. I started walking slower waiting for the ringing to stop; it did right after the third ring.
"Clare, K.C is on the phone." I heard my mom call from the bottom of the stairs, I made my way into my room and picked up the other line.
"Hello?" I said, it would usually be a 'hey' or 'hi' but tonight might be the last time he ever calls.
"Clare, um, hi it's me um K.C" He sounded weak, or scared or even nervous. I couldn't tell which one.
"Clare, I-I don't know how to do this-"he continued "but I don't think its working between us" his words stung. There's no way I could have prepared my self for this.
"Ok, K.C um I got to go, um bye" I pressed the end button on the phone; It fell through my hands making a 'thump' sound on my bed. I turned out my light and closed my curtains, lied down on my bed and cried.
"Clare Dinner's ready!" My mom shouted from the bottom of the stairs.
"Ok." I tried to yell back, but my voice felt weak, useless, maybe that's what K.C thought. I went over to my computer desk and checked my face range, K.C had changed his relationship status to 'single' there were at least 20 comments with '?' or 'omg what happened' or even 'finally'. I changed my status as well, I also checked my phone, 2 missed calls from Eli and one text.
"Hey Clare did you get me corrections on the English assignment? ;)" I usually would laugh at this and text him back, but instead I called him. I don't know why.
"Hey Clare!" Eli answered the phone on the second ring, he must have been waiting.
"Hey Eli, yeah I got your corrections," I said pulling the paper from my back pocket, It had barley even gotten wrinkled, I remembered how this made me smile a few hours ago, but now I couldn't make myself smile even a little bit, there was too much hurt.
"Clare are you ok? You sound sick." Eli said with concern.
"No- It's just I've been crying and, K.C dumped me" I didn't know why I told him this, I actually told him everything, more than I told Ali.
"Clare- I'm sorry- You know what? What are you doing in an half an hour?" I glanced at the clock, it was about 5. I was so glad we ate so early every night. Well me and my mom. My dad always had to work late, or what he tells us then he comes in really late. We both think he's cheating. This only breaks my mom's heart so she cries herself to sleep every night. Eli also knew that.
"Um, Nothing why?" I asked clicking through my unread emails, one from Ali saying how sorry she is, or that's how it started, it ended about her saying how she hopes her and Drew never end up like that. Yeah she's a great friend.
"Oh No reason, Expect me to be at your house around 5:30" He said.
"Ok, Eli" I giggled and hung up, I placed my phone back on my desk, I exited out of my face range screen, I suddenly didn't feel as unwanted, or as hurt.
"So Clare how was your day?" My mom probably didn't even realized she asked that when I came in.
"ok, I guess" I said helping her set the table, She still set out four plates, event though Darcy was in Kenya and we both knew where my dad was. She put chicken and corn on my plate, I've told her I don't necessarily care for it, she doesn't either, but it's my dad's favorite meal.
"Hey mom is it ok if I go out after dinner" I asked pouring us both water and sitting down, her following.
"Clare, why do you need to go out? With whom?" she never used to ask questions, as long as I had my phone and I was home before 11 it was ok. Maybe she thinks I'm going to run off and leave her just like my dad.
"Well, K.C-"
"No Clare you're not going out with a boy" She answered with a strict tone.
"No, mom K.C broke up with me today and I wanted to go to the dot with my English partner to get my mind off things and work on our English project." I said crossing my fingers under the table.
"Oh Clare, I'm sorry about K.C but isn't your English partner a boy, and year older? What's his name- Eli? I don't know…" she said.
"Mom, Eli and I are just friends and we need this project for our grade, and I could really use a distraction" I said, I knew the break up card would work with her and its Friday there is no rational reason she should say no.
"Oh, ok Clare you better be home by 11" She said, I nodded in agreement, I quickly finished dinner to get ready, get out of these clothes and comb through my hair, for my night with Eli.
I pulled out a white tee shirt and a grey sweater to go over it; I pulled a knee-length jean skirt with black ballet flats. I looked nothing like I ever did whenever I went out with K.C. I checked the clock it read 5:25, I had five minutes, I grabbed a brush and frantically combed through my hair.
"Clare, I think Eli's here" My mom called, I put the brush back on my dresser and took another look at myself in the mirror. I gave a nod and grabbed my phone off my desk and headed downstairs; towards my distraction.
Eli was standing with his hands behind his back and a smirk on his lips; he was waiting next to my mom who looked a little bit scared, probably because of the Hearse.
"Hey Eli" I said as I walked down the stairs.
"Hey Clare" He said almost in the same tone as I did. I smiled and hugged my mom goodbye.
"be careful" she whispered in my ear, I turned around and walked out the door with Eli by my side; The perfect distraction. I just hope my mom realized I didn't even take my English paper.
"So where to Clare-Bear" Eli said as soon as we got into Morty.
"Someplace to take my mind off things." I said in a plain voice.
"Right. Got it" He started Morty, the engine roared, then he took off down the street, the sky was a light purple. The trees only had a few brown and orange leaves dangling from the branches; Eli drove past Degrassi, past all the convince stores, everything city-like until we came to the park, the same park my parents took me to when they were little, the first time I can remember them fighting. Eli pulled in parking lot; I can only imagine the faces of all the parents when they saw a Hearse parked so close to their kids.
"You know you're probably giving half of these parents' heart attacks" I said reaching down to un-buckle my seat belt, and then I remembered there wasn't one.
"Well they shouldn't be so stereotypical" Eli had an answer for everything, I always wondered how people thought of comeback so fast, one skill I could never do. Eli opened his passenger door and got out, I felt the air against my cheeks, and it was a cool night. Maybe I should have worn a coat. Eli got around to opening my door, well since K.C, I was positive chivalry was dead.
"And where do you think were going? It's almost dark and were at a park, for little kids" Eli smirked, like he was hiding something.
"What Clare you don't miss the old times?" He said, as we walked closer to the playground set, with two swings a slide, even a playhouse- type thing with monkey bars connecting everything.
"You mean the times you cried every time you fell, and you had to stay with your parents 24-7? No I don't miss them" I laughed to myself, who would miss those times?
"I meant more of the times where there were not bullies, no schoolwork, exams, stupid ex boyfriends" Eli muttered the last part tilting his head towards the ground, I suddenly felt. Like I had before, used, hurt, unwanted, ugly, completely useless.
"Yeah" I whispered, putting my head down, hiding the tears I could feel forming in my eyes.
"Clare I-I didn't mean to-"Eli lifted up my chin, his touch made me jump, like sparks flew, just like when K.C and I first kissed. I looked in his eyes, the sun setting over us, I felt one tear spill over my cheek he wiped it away with his warm finger, there goes that whole spark-y thing again. I blushed, he obviously saw my blush, he smirked and removed his hand from my face.
"Now Clare its time to re-live the great times" He said walking towards the slide all the parents had left.
"Um no, I don't think so" I hesitated, looking at the metal slide, "And why not?" Eli questioned turning around and slowly pacing backwards.
"Because people might see us" I said, I know that I never cared what people thought, but this is just embarrassing.
"Ah I see Clare's self-conscious" Eli said crossing his arms.
"Am not" I pouted and briskly walked towards the slide, passing Eli and not looking back at whatever expression was on Eli's face.
Eli climbed the bars leading up to the slide.
"Are you serious?" I said following behind, but by now he was already sitting at the top.
"Yes Clare I am completely serious" he said with a straight face at first, then we both started bursting out laughing.
"Oh yes Mr. Goldsworthy you are very serious" I said mocking him, he slid town the slide like a three-year-old.
"Come on Clare bear!" he said once he got to the bottom, holding his arms out as if he was going to catch me.
"Oh, fine" I muttered under my breath, to low for Eli to hear, I slid down the slide and looked at Eli.
"That was nothing like it used to be" I got up and brushed of my skirt.
"Really? Have you tried the swings?" Eli said gesturing towards them with one hand there were only two swings.
"No actually I haven't" I said standing face-to-face with Eli.
"Then lets go" He said in a lower voice, we walked towards the swings in peace.
"Ew, I got sand in my shoes!" the woodchips suddenly changed into sand, I didn't even notice the difference considering it was dark and the sky a dark shade of navy.
"Then take them off" Eli said staring at my feet, for some reason I suddenly felt self conscious, I never have. I hated this feeling more than not getting an A+ because of one point.
"Fine then" I laughed as I slipped off my dark flats, I continued walking on the sand, losing my flats in the darkness that was closing in on us.
I sat on the plastic swing that bent in whenever pressure was put on it.
"When I came here eight years ago the swings didn't crush my hips" I said hoping Eli wouldn't change the subject, I had a feeling he would, like I had the feeling that K.C didn't want me.
"Clare, I hate to get serious, Like I really hate it, but what happened with you and K.C? You don't have to tell me, but I just want to know, so if I see him I don't-"He didn't finish he sentence, he sat on the swing next to me and started lightly swaying back and fourth.
"No, I think I do need to talk" I started.
"It all started Jenna came to Degrassi."
I explained to Eli how I thought he was always cheating on me with her, how he hugged her after games and didn't even come near me, even how flirty he was when they were at the carwash, even what Ali told me he acted like when wasn't around and how I defiantly wouldn't be surprised if they were together on Monday.
"Clare I'm really sorry" Eli said, We were swaying back and forth at the same pace my eyes were filled with tears, I could feel his emerald eyes burn into the side of my head, even If it was completely dark and he couldn't see the tears falling.
"Its- ok I'm not even upset" I said sniffling a little.
"Clare I here you crying" Eli said, he stopped his swing and reached over and grabbed my hand, I looked up at him, the cool windy breeze drying my cheeks and cooling my burning eyes.
"Just remember I will always be your shoulder to cry on." Eli smiled, I couldn't help but smile myself, I squeezed his hand in reassurance, he gave a light squeeze back. Now I know I have one trustworthy friend who won't switch tables at lunch every other day because she wants to be friends with the cheerleaders, I will always have Eli, and Adam. Ali will always be there for me, but she can't be on sides, its one or the other. Or neither.
I looked out into the night sky, more stars appearing every time I blink. Elis' warm hand in mine and the swings still lightly swaying back and forth, "Clare I think it's almost 9" I snapped my gaze away from the beautiful stars and stared at Eli.
"What?" I didn't realize so much time had went by, Eli made me feel so much better about myself, better than K.C made me feel.
"Oh, Time fly's when you're having a good time" I said glancing down at our hands still intertwined.
"Yes, but Its almost 40 degree's and I think you need some ice cream" Eli smirked and dropped his hand, Then got up from the swing, I started after him, I felt a cold shock as I hit the ground, I didn't have shoes on.
"Eli where are my shoes?" I asked searching around in the darkness.
"Already done" Eli bent over and picked up the black flats, It looked like he was just picking up air until he handed them to me and I could feel the firm plastic edges.
"Thanks" I said shoving the shoes on my feet, tiny sand crystals still scraping the tops of my feet when I walked.
"So where too? There aren't many ice cream parlors open in November" I said walking side-by-side with him to the parking lot.
"The Dot? I heard they have great milkshakes and sundae's" I could see Eli's breath; It must be only 30 Degree's now.
"Sure, sounds great" I smiled at the ground, I saw the glimmer of the top of Morty in the moon light, I walked faster, I needed the warmth, "Is Clare eager for ice cream?" Eli caught up to my quickened pace.
"No, I'm just cold" I said hugging myself for a little warmth.
"Then lets get a move on" Eli started sprinting towards Morty, I soon caught on to his game and sprinted after him.
We made it to the doors of Morty seconds apart, each panting and gasping for air.
"I won- Edwards" Eli panted unlocking the drivers side door.
"Did- not Goldsworthy" I gasped, taking in air rapidly, I don't even run that fast in gym. Eli slid across the two seats and unlocked the passenger door.
"About time I was going to freeze out there" I said rubbing my shoulders as the heat rushed through the too-small vents.
"Ok sure Clare" Eli said like he didn't believe me, he pulled out of the parking lot, and we drove back into the busy city of Toronto, where all the car lights mixed together into one big mess, the only peaceful place was around the school district's. Eli turned the ancient radio knob, a loud mix of drums and words that I couldn't understand when they were put together flowed through the speakers. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.
"Too loud?" Eli questioned turning down the loud music.
"A little" I shyly looked at my hands folded in my lap, the music faded into the background, I tried to concentrate on the road but my mind was far from me.
"Ok let's go" Eli said cutting the engine, he parked directly in front of the huge windows of The Dot, There were more people eating there now then at noon. I got out into the darkness following the bright lights coming from inside, my throat felt dry, probably from the heat and poor air circulation in Morty. Eli and I walked in silence, there's not much to talk about when you just cried your eyes out in front of the closest person in your life. McDonalds was warm from the ovens in the back, they probably didn't even need heating vents.
"And what kind of ice cream does Clare feel like having?" Eli shoved his hands in his pockets as we waited in line, I cleared my throat.
"Vanilla milkshake" I looked around the room at the booths and tables, there was one elderly couple sharing a salad, a son and a dad laughing over today's comics. What really caught my eye was a table full of foot ball players in uniforms. One of them happened to be K.C.
"Hey Eli look over there" I nodded my head in the direction of the players.
"All I see is a bunch of hot heads in tight pants" Eli smirked to himself, he knew exactly what I was talking about.
"Can we hurry up?" I asked impatiently.
"Patients is a virtue" Eli said handing the cashier girl the money, she had long blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail with a black and red visor over it, She smiled at him, and that's not a 'be nice to all customer's' smile it more a 'give me your number I get off at 10' look, Eli didn't seem to notice, but the blonde girl just kept smiling. I hated it.
The blonde girl handed Eli our milkshakes with that ear to ear grin on her face, I glared at her right before I turned to follow Eli, I was positive he got the hint I wanted to leave, but instead he had to walk and take a seat at a two-person table directly in front of the foot-ball players.
"Eli" I quietly whined when we sat down Eli placed the milkshakes on the table, he had his back faced towards K.C and the rest of the team, but I practically had to see them every time I looked up.
"yes Clare?" he said in a normal tone, K.C looked over and glared at him, then me, then back to Eli.
"Eli, he looking at us" I whispered.
"So?" Eli sure didn't care what K.C might do to him if he got the wrong Idea. I massaged my temples the grabbed my milkshake from the table.
"Never mind" I said shaking my head, The milkshake helped my throat with every sip, but just because my throat was dry was not going to stop me from yelling at Eli as soon as we get out of here. I started sipped my milkshake rapidly, hoping to get out of here before K.C got to angry.
"Sheesh Clare, slow down your going to choke" Eli took at small sip of his milkshake and put it back on the table.
"I told you I want to get out of here" I said rocking my milkshake between my thumb and index finger, I had a third of it left, I continued to sip it until I slurped the last few drops from the bottom.
"Done." I got up and headed towards the trash can and threw away the cup.
"Can we go now?" I asked Eli standing next to my seat with my arms crossed.
"I didn't finish mine yet" Eli said taking another small sip from the cup and putting back down on the table, I huffed and sat down, there is no way I'm going to get out of here soon.
I put my head in my hands and tried to resist the temptation to look at K.C.
"Clare would you relax" Eli said taking a bigger sip of his shake.
"No, Eli I don't want to see him" I gave up and looked at the table where they were all fighting over who would get the last chicken nugget.
"Ok, I understand- sort of, I've never dated a football player" I scowled at Eli who couldn't look anymore innocent.
"Fine, we can stay till you finish your milkshake" I took one last glance at the table, Drew had the chicken nugget stuffed in his mouth.
"Come on, Clare how could you have dated a football player, they all look like five year olds on steroids" Eli said also staring at the table sipping his milkshake again.
"He didn't always used to be like that" but before Eli said anything, K.C got up and headed towards our table, not that it took him very long to get there. He was standing in front of our table, looking as mad as I've ever seen him.
"What's this a date?" He barked.
"No, just two friends having a milkshake." Eli said loudly slurping his milkshake.
"Clare, how could you hang out with this loser?" K.C questioned, his voice lightened, but he still sounded pretty mad.
"He's not a loser K.C" I said looking up at him, he looked even taller with his shoulder pads.
"You're the loser." I said before K.C could say anything else.
"Let's go Eli" I got up, Eli took a minute but he quickly caught up with me as I headed for the door, K.C stood there with a confused look on his face, but as soon as Eli and I were outside, I saw K.C look furious as he sat back down at his table.
My throat hurt more, probably from rage, if that was possible.
"Ok, I think it's time to take Clare home before she has another tantrum" Eli spoke as we got into Morty.
"That's funny, but I don't get why he needs to hurt everyone I love." I had just realized what I had said when it was too late.
"So you love me?" Eli said, He already had his hand on the key in the ignition, but he paused looking at me, waiting for my answer.
"Not that way- I meant as a friend" I felt my cheeks get hot, I felt warm before but now I cant take it, it felt like my temperature was 110 degrees, my heart was pounding, I couldn't be happier that Eli couldn't see my expression in the dim light.
"Ok, Clare" He said turning the key making the engine roar. The ride was silent, my head still felt hot, my palms were moist and my throat burned I even felt a little bit light headed. My words came out wrong; Eli would never let me live that one down. I constantly looked out the window, into the burning streetlights, and the darkness. It was too awkward to make conversation, Eli knew I what I meant but he would have no problem still making me uncomfortable.
The ride was silent except for the occasional rush of heat that would go through the vents; soon enough Eli had pulled on to my street. The glare of the streetlight on the corner of my road caught my eye as Eli turned into my drive way, I looked into the house; all the lights were out, unusual.
"Clare, I love you too, but not in that way" Eli said turning to face me, a smile on his face just like the blonde girl's.
"Very funny" I fiddled with the door handle before getting it open.
"See you tomorrow" I said before I closed the door, I walked around Morty, the headlights felt like spotlights when I walked through them, when I finally reached my steps I realized Eli hadn't moved. "What are you waiting for?" I shouted over the roar of Morty, just making my throat burn more.
"Clare tomorrows Saturday" I realized what he had meant. I said 'see you tomorrow' he must think we have plans.
"Go home" I said trying to make him think it was a joke, but before he could say anything else I pushed the front door open and disappeared in the dark house.
I switched on the light the minute I got through the door, my mom and dad where nowhere to be found, well my dad wasn't a surprise to me. But I did find a note on the kitchen table, "Dear Clare, I couldn't be around your dad when he gets home, I'm at Caroline's, call my cell phone when you get home, your dad should be home whenever." I sighed and picked up the phone that was left on the kitchen counter; I searched through the phone numbers scribbled down on the same notepad the note was written on. I dialed Caroline's number and held the phone to my ear, the ringing was loud and obnoxious, by the fifth ring I gave up, and the ringing was too much. I'd call my mom tomorrow, she was probably asleep anyway. I put the phone back down, not bothering to put it on the receiver like I usually would, and sat down at the table. My head throbbed, my throat burned, and my stomach even hurt. I was a wreck. I fiddled around with the pen that was lying next to the notepad. This only proves my life is so boring to the point I'm playing with a ball-point pen on Friday night. I started scribbling dark black lines on the note pad to test the pen, then stars, then circles, squares, triangles, and then I ended up scribbling hearts. One of which held Eli's name. I soon realized what I had done; I crossed it out furiously and flung the pen to the other end of the table.
I used my palms to push myself up from the table and started up stairs, the stairs seemed to go on forever. Finally making it to the top, I walked into my room falling on the bed, I didn't bother to get in to pajama's or even to get under the covers, I just laid there, stomach hurting, head throbbing, throat burning and lightheaded. Waiting for sleep to take me under.