~Hermione, Cho, Parvati, Pansy, Ginny, Lavender, Hannah, Padma, Eloise, Susan, Sally-Anne, Mandy, Blaise and Millicent appear in front of me, the author~
Hermione: I hope I'm not here so you can stick Harry's tongue down my throat again…
Me: No, it's not that-
Millicent: And why the hell am I here? I appear in the story like, three times
Me: Yes, I know that-
Sally-Anne: And me only once! The indignity of it!
Me: I'm hoping to change that, Sally, but-
Eloise: Well at least Miss Sally-Anne Priss here isn't mentioned because her nose is off-center! Which mine most definitely is not.
Me: Of course not, Eloise, dear-
Blaise: I'm just a damned Slytherin, and you damned authors don't even like Slytherins, we're not all damned Draco Malfoy clones you know!
Me: I like some Slytherins-
Cho: Well I, unlike you amateurs, am known for my flawless beauty.
Me: I wouldn't be one to judge that, Cho-
Millicent: So why the hell are we here?
Lavender: I'm totally missing Dawson's Creek, this better be good.
Me: I'll get to that in a second-
Parvati: Joshua Jackson is like, so fine….
Me: Unfortunately that won't fit into any of my stories at all-
Hannah: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B-L-O-…. I'm blonde!
Me: Yea, I think we have established that you're blonde-
Pansy: Why can't I be a Draco Malfoy clone? Or at least his girlfriend? You never made me and him go out in any of your stories, you know.
Me: Yes, I'm aware, that's only because-
Eloise: Flawless beauty? That's a laugh!
Cho: You wanna start sumthin with me girl? Take it to da hood!
Me: I'm not really sure when you picked up your ghetto, Cho, but-
Padma: Will everyone just Shut The Hell Up?
Me: Yes, thank you, Padma.
Millicent: What if I don't want to?
Me: I'm afraid that's not your choice, Millicent, as the author I can have you do anything I really want to-
Millicent: Bitch.
Hannah: Ugh! The sun, I swear, is bleaching up my hair!
Me: As if it isn't bleached enough…
Susan: Hey everybody! What about me? I get sorted and than, that's it. We don't even know what I look like!
Me: Well, I do. Please, everyone, be quiet.
Ginny: Kay.
Me: All right, this is the story.
Millicent: No shit.
Me: Please, restrain the language.
Mandy: Fuck.
Me: What was that for?
Mandy: I dunno. You said not to cuss. And I don't like fanfiction authors. So I cussed.
Me: Anyway….
Lavender: Could we hurry this up? If I don't get home soon I'll miss Felicity too!
Me: Tragedy….
Parvati: She's right! Like, we need to watch our soaps. That's just a non-written law among woman.
Me: You've hit the nail on the head, Parvati!
Parvati: What?
Hannah: Sometimes I hit myself on the head…
Me: Er, okay, Hannah.
Sally-Anne: What'd she say? I wanna big part, I wanna big part!
Me: Gads, your annoying. I should just kill you off here and now.
Sally-Anne: No! I just got a perm!
Blaise: It's all pedicures and perms for her, isn't it?
Millicent: I think so.
Me: You think? Nah, I'm messing. So, guys, listen up.
Ginny: Kay.
Hermione: Just so long as I'm not doing the nasty with Harry.
Me: I never had you do the nasty with Harry!
Hermione: Oh…right
Me: Uh, either way, the plot.
Padma: Yes, yes, get on with it!
Parvati: Like, yeah.
Me: As I was saying-
Eloise: Fuck. I don't like fanfiction authors either.
Me: Be that as it may, I have a story to lay out for you all.
Cho: If you must.
Me: Finally! Now, I'm going to send you all to a big house-with only one room. Equipped with everything. Big-screen TV and VCR, DVD, sleeping bags, pillows, popcorn, makeup, the works. Everything girls need for a proper sleep over. Because that's what you are all going to have-a sleep over. You're going to talk about guys, and clothes, and periods and bras. You're going to tell each other about school, popularity, and Cover Girl. Got it?
Mandy: Sounds iffy to me.
Lavender: Does the TV have cable?
Me: Yes, but that's not-
Parvati: Yes! Roswell reruns!
Me: I've lost them again.
Sally-Anne: This is going to be so much fun!
Millicent: Kill me. Kill me now.
Me: Oh, surely you don't mean that, Millicent?
Millicent: Forget it, I'll do it myself.
Ginny: Too bad Harry won't be there.
Me: That's the most you've said since you got here, Ginny, lighten up!
Ginny: Kay.
Susan: Get on with it, than.
Blaise: And I'm not just a damned Slytherin!
Me: I never said that!
Cho: Can we please just go? My evening facial begins in ten minutes.
Sally-Anne: Mine too!
Hannah: Am I showing enough cleavage?
Me: Do you have any? Nevermind, I don't want to know.
Pansy: Jesus, this is a waste of time.
Me: I'll have you guys there in just a sec, don't worry.
Hermione: I'm not ready yet!
Me: Too bad-here you go!
~Hermione, Cho, Ginny, Parvati, Lavender, Padma, Pansy, Eloise, Susan, Mandy, Sally-Anne, Hannah, Blaise and Millicent appear in huge room with things I described~