Shattered

Marian lay in the field, the sun beat down upon her face, warming her pleasantly. The grass smelled of sun, hay, and wild flowers. A soft breeze played across the field, making it ripple like a cloth of spun gold. Marian shifted slightly so that the shadow of a near-by tree fell across her face. She breathed in deeply and sighed- how good life was. She was the sheriff's daughter, entitled to fine dresses and horses; she could lie her in a sunny field and not have a worry in the world. What's more she was to marry Robin of Locksley, the village girls dream boat.

As if on cue a call came, "Marian? Where are you, I know you're out there somewhere." A smile twitched the corners of her mouth. Robin. She sat up and saw the young lord standing on the edge of the field; facing in completely the wrong direction- typical. "Robin" she stood up and brushed down her dress; it was a simple white affair with a braided leather belt tied around the waist. "Over here". He turned and smiled, that smile. It made her laugh, a delicious tinkling sound, like water running down a mountain stream. "There you are my love", he moved towards her. "You do know you have grass in your hair don't you?" As he spoke Robin started combing through her hair with his fingers; pulling out the long strands that had caught in her curls. She glared at him, and shoved his hands away. "Thank you" she replied icily, "I could have worked that out for myself". "Come now, do not be so easily offended" Robin laughed. Marian frowned, but, try as she might she couldn't stay angry at this delightful young man. Again Robin smiled. "Come" he said, "we can't stand around all day. I came to tell you your father wants to see you. "As I was on my way past he asked I would fetch you. And how could I resist the thought of seeing you!" "ROBIN!" She cried "You are so full of yourself." His eyes twinkled merrily "And…" She grinned, he smiled. His arms reached down to encircle her waist and she closed her eyes feeling his lips press gently against hers. A sigh interrupted the moment and Marian became aware of Much, Robin's faithful companion. Robin turned "Yes alright" he said in a slightly disgruntled voice. "Much here is impatient to be home before dinner" he explained to Marian. "You should go to, before your father becomes anxious." Marian nodded. Robin and her had wandered back towards the road and now Robin paused. Quickly he mounted his horse and then turned, once more, to Marian. "Until next time" he called as he trotted away down the road, Much at his side. Marian stood at the edge of the field watching the two men's back's as they slowly faded out of view.

Slowly she turned and walked up the road to a near-by farmhouse where she had left her horse. As she came to the door a young woman stepped out, "M'lady" she said curtseying. She turned towards the barn and came back half a minute later with Marian's horse. "Thank you Tess" the noble-woman acknowledged. Reaching into her dress Marian pulled out a small money bag; she handed three gold coins to the girl, and took her horses reins. As she swung into the saddle she turned towards the afternoon sun, as if hoping to see Robin still standing in the road.

Whatever it was she had hoped to see was not there and she flicked her head around as if she had merely glancing at the sun. She turned her horse to the road and started towards to castle. Marian was curious, her father rarely asked to see her anymore. Since the death of her mother he'd withdrawn into himself surrounding his life with taxes, issues, and politics. It was as if he were trying to fill a gap that could never be filled and in doing so was forgetting about his old life, about his wife…and about his daughter.

Marian's bow creased and the corner of her mouth tugged down in a slight frown. She was angry at her father for forgetting. He was always at some council discussing crops or taxes talking to the other lords about topics which, although she understood, seemed dull and pointless. And when, rarely, he did ask to see her, it was usually to give her a gown; or to reprimand her for spending too much time away from the castle. She hissed through her teeth. If her mother had been here she would have understood, she would have why Marian preferred the wide open fields and villages. Lying in the son and talking to Robin; to the dark, oppressing atmosphere of the castle. And there was another thing her father didn't approve of, Robin.

He didn't seem to understand why she loved him; he liked the boy. Naturally, everybody did. He was had to resist with his sunny and easy going disposition. But he still seemed confused as to why she chose him, out of everyone; why she wanted him above anyone else.

A shadow fell across her face and Marian was startled to realise she had already reached to castle. She shook her head, she had been so caught up in her own thoughts she hardly noticed the journey pass. Her horse clattered into the courtyard and a guard came forward to take the reins. She nodded at him absent- mindedly and dismounted. As she climbed the steps to the main doorway her thoughts wandered again to Robin. She wondered how he had known where she was and smiled to herself as she thought of him following her. That would be so like him.

As she entered her room she saw a maid standing by the fire filling a tin bathing tub with hot water form a kettle hung over the blazing hearth. Marian sniffed the air and caught the sent of rose petals coming from the steaming water. Her maid nodded and walked over to Marian. She undid her long copper hair, letting it hang in waves down her back; and started to unlace her dress. When Marian was clothed in a bathing gown, her maid carried the tub to her and helped her in.

A few minutes later as she lay back in the water, Marian let her eyes wander around the room. It was large and airy with windows set in the east wall. The shutters were flung open and a few rays of afternoon sunlight crept into the room. Below the windows lay her bed, it was a large with cream covers; stuffed almost to bursting with soft goose down. A pale green chiffon shawl was strung above it, hanging so that it bulged slightly in the center. Along the wall beside the windows hung a shelf, it too was covered in green chiffon and on it were Marian's most prized possessions. A plain clay vase filled with wild flower, a gift from her mother for her fourteenth birthday; a painting of her mother, Kate, standing next to a tree, with a baby Marian in her arms, and lastly a carved wooden box (a present from her father many years ago) containing all of Marian's letters…from Robin.

At the end of her bed lay a chest and along the wall stood a desk and chair. The fire place was in the corner, crackling merrily with cherry wood, sparks flying. In front of it, where Marian now lay was a wash stand and a china jug. To the left was the door and beside it a small alcove, cut off by a curtain. Nothing was kept in there now except for the tub. But Marian felt sure that one day it would be just the place to keep things she wanted away from prying eyes.

At that moment the maid entered, she curtsied and told Marian "Yeh father wants tae see yer, he says tae come down soon as you can like." Marian stood up and the maid rushed forward with a cloth. When she was dressed Marian instructed "Go and see if the cook has any supper for me, and bring it up to my rooms. I will eat it after I have spoken to my father."

As she walked down the corridor Marian mentally composed herself. She was still baffled as to what her father wanted to talk to her about. He would be displeased that she was late, that was unfortunate but unavoidable. She had needed time to tidy and prepare. He had seen Robin earlier so it wasn't to reprimand her for spending too much time with him. And he had given her a dress just earlier that week so it couldn't be because of that. So what on earth was it?

She knocked as she entered the great hall. Her father was sitting at his usual place. She walked up to him, "You wanted to see me father?" "Yes my dear, sit down." She obliged, sitting on a small wooden stool opposite his chair. "My dear" he started, "I have asked you here to discuss a matter that I fear you will not like." Marian bit her lip, her father sounded anxious, this was new.

"You know our dear king must go to the Holy lands to fight this war, and that he requires a certain amount of men from each county. This also means I must supply at least one lord to fight for the king in his private guard." Marian furrowed her brow, where was this talk going? "It is a hard for any person to make that choice and harder still to stick to it. But, and please understand that this is out of my control, he offered to go, he wanted to go…" "NO!" Marian knew what her father was doing. He was taking Robin away form her. "You can't do this father; you can't take him away from me. We'll never agree to it. NEVER!"

"But my dear, he has already. I asked him this morning, and he was thrilled, he wanted to go to the war to help his king and country. He is brave, and so should you be my dear; I am ashamed of you. Think f the king, think of England." "And what about my heart, hmmm? Does it count for nothing, where does it fit in this wonderful scheme?" Marian shook her head furiously; she refused to believe her father. Robin wouldn't leave her, not even for the glory of war…would he?

"No my dear your heart is the most valuable thing to me in all the world. But he is only one. You must try to understand, he is young and fit. He's a marvel with a bow, and he has no family…" "HE HAS ME, he has me" Marian's words trailed off into a chocked sob. She stood up, her chair crashing loudly off the wooden floor. She barely heard it. Tears streamed down her face; tears of grief, regret, mistrust and anger. She flew out of the room, the door slamming shut behind her, echoing sharply into the sudden silence.

Edward, sheriff of Nottingham, watched his daughter fly out of the room and put his head in his hands. What had he done? He had never seen Marian so upset, except perhaps that awful day…but no even then. Would she ever forgive him? He honestly didn't know.

Marian stumbled down the corridor, sobbing. Her hands curled tightly into fists, fingernails digging into her palm, drawing blood. She couldn't feel the pain, she couldn't feel anything. A great aching numbness covered her entire body. As though it refused to comprehend what had happened. She knew it would wear off soon, but for the moment she welcomed it.

Finally as she reached her room the truth of it sank in and she fell onto her bed weeping uncontrollably. At some point she was vaguely aware of another presence in the room, but she ignored it, and it was quickly gone.

Some time later Marian lay on her bed hiccupping, her tears completely exhausted. Laying her head on the sodden remains of what had once been her pillow slip. Her throat felt raw from crying and her breaths came in ragged gasps. Her eyes itched; and her hair, always so neat had come out of it's plait and stuck damply to her face.

She stood up slowly and painfully, her legs felt numb but she managed to drag herself over to the wash stand. Slowly lifting the heavy jug carefully she tipped a little water into the sink, and washed her face, hands, arms, feeling suddenly the burning desire to be clear of all her anguish. The water was cold and it stung her raw skin. But she felt better, clean. Suddenly a wave of tiredness came over her and she staggered back to the bed. Not bothering to change into her nightgown she crawled under the covers, and curled up in a miserable ball.

The moonlight flowed through her open windows and down across her face. It illuminated the painting of her mother standing on the shelf. And Marian felt an old ache side by side with the new in her heart.

When her mother had died, Marian had not shed a single tear, even at the funeral when the coffin had be laid in the earth, she had not wept. She had been strong, for her father, and because she knew that her anguish could pain could his. The look in his eyes that day would haunt her until the day she died; the look of a man burning alive. It was as if that gentle, wise man she had always known had disappeared, and all that was left was an empty shell and the pain. That day she had sworn she would never let him down.

But over time tiny hairline cracks had formed in her heart and tonight she had broken. All the grief and anger she had stored inside her. A heart can be broken once and live, but twice is too much. She had fallen apart and she doubted there was anyone that could mend her, she was too far beyond what she understood; there was no going back.

Marian sighed and turned away. She was ashamed of herself, she would never again slip and show how much this had hurt her, but once had been enough. The damage was done; her father knew she was broken and she would never again be able to hide it.

Sleep drifted over her like a restless cloud. She dreamed she was walking along a cliff edge her dress was blowing around her knees. She could feel her face burning, what if someone saw? She pushed it down but it kept flying back up. She took one more step forward and all else was forgotten, for spread out before her was a gruesome sight.

There lay a white beach, but the sand was covered with hundreds of rotting bodies; javelins, spears, and swords stuck out of them and they all wore the same, horribly familiar shift. It was white with a red cross emblazoned across the front, the sign of the crusades. Marian started running, she ran searching frantically and yet half dreading what she would find. What had brought her to this beach of the dead? Then she saw him and her heart flew into her mouth. Robin was lying on a pile of bodies. He was covered in blood a sword sticking from his stomach, eyes glassy and unseeing. She reached out to touch him and the dream changed.

Suddenly she was standing in a field filled with wildflowers, she was a young child again and ahead of her stood her mother dressed in a beautiful white dress. "Come on Marian" she called "come with me". Marian tried to move but she was to slow " Mama" she cried, "Mama I can't move, come back mama, come back" her voice broke and she started crying, but her mother kept moving away smiling and laughing. "No mama come back, please come back…"

Again she was on the beach but this time it was different. Robin still lay there but next to him where her mother and father. "No!" She ran to them shaking them, "Wake up, please wake up" she tied to pull them up make them wake, but they didn't move.

A scream echoed around her it continued on and on, Marian was terrified. Where was it coming from; with horror she realized it was her. She clamped her mouth shut and glanced around. She was back in her own room, sunlight streamed through the windows and the bed clothes were a tangled mess around her feet. She kicked herself free and sat up; but as she went to brush her hair out of her eyes she noticed that her face was still damp with tears.