Disclaimer: I do not own Princess Mononoke
Into The Silence
For The Boy from Laputa
"Ashitaka! Ashitaka!" Cried a little dark haired girl no older than five as she ran up to the old man.
He heard the sound of a child's voice calling out to him but he was beginning to fail to remember who it was. All he could remember was her. Every woman's voice was just her to him now. Whether it was an old or young woman calling out to him, kind or harsh, it didn't seem to matter. It was almost like her memory was consuming his very soul. Then again there was always something about her which made him feel in a way he had never done before. Sometimes It wasn't when he heard someone talking to him. Other times he was seeing her in broad daylight. He smiled knowing that this must be a sign of getting old. She wouldn't look like this if she was still alive. She was no older than himself if he remembered correctly. He was sitting in his usual seat which surveyed the whole of Iron Town which had almost become as far as the eye could see from this high point in the town. Away in the opposite direction of the forest, everyone had the memories of that great war to deter them from allowing the town to grow in this direction. He was as dedicated to the preservation of the forest as he was to re-building Iron Town and making its inhabitants as prosperous as they possibly could. He could only hope that the later generations would not regard these tales as foolishness and myth. He knew from first-hand experience that this was far from true but a great threat which could still come back to haunt this town if they weren't careful after he was gone. That was what happened last time and he couldn't let it happen again so long as he had breath in him he was going to protect the forest and this town. Especially from its ferocious protector...
~ (***) ~
So many years had passed. Eventually it just became time. When you got older, time became something of the past and something to treasure in the present. When you were young you thought of nothing but the future, when you were old all you could remember was the past. All you need was remember rather than dream since you were running out of too much time to have such grand dreams you were capable of having when you were young. Years soon became just time. What else could it be? Soon she began to change herself but she never cared about such things. She could still climb up a mountain so nothing else mattered. Although soon time began to pass all too quickly. Soon her brothers passed and when the loneliness overwhelmed her that was when it hit her. She was alone. She had the spirit of the forest to comfort her at awfully, painfully unbearable times. She had no one but that didn't mean it was going to drive her to that infernal town. She would look down at it from the highest point in the forest and she would feel a fire burning inside her which made her want to howl to the skies. She would always hate the humans for their mistake. She was never going to be able to live amongst them. No matter how much she felt like she missed him...Soon she needed someone to be her daughter but there was no one to take on. She couldn't find a daughter. One day there was a girl which had wandered into the woods and was crying. She had lost her mother and father. San tilted her head and felt no pity for the girl but nonetheless she stretched out her hand and told her softly that she was no longer lost. The girl looked at her strangely, probably wondering what she meant by this but took her hand anyway. As they walked back home San wondered whether Ashitaka had his own daughter. Maybe even a wife...
~ (***) ~
"Master Ashitaka!"
Ashitaka turned around to see the concerned young face of Takuma, Toki's son. He was as good hearted as his father and efficient as his mother.
"What are you doing out here?"
Ashitaka turned back to the forest and smiled. "I thought I might take a walk."
Takuma turned a worried eye at the forest. "Aren't you frightened of the forest, sir?"
"You shouldn't be worried of the forest, Takuma." He replied gently. "It won't harm you if you mean it no harm."
"I remember...You were good friends with the forest spirit...Or was it the guardian? I always forget...That reminds me I'm sorry my daughter keeps harassing you about telling her stories. I know how difficult it is for you to remember things."
Ashitaka chuckled. "Not at all. I enjoy the company of children. Especially of your little Toki. She reminds me of yourself when you were her age. If I remember correctly you enjoyed my stories as much as she does."
Takuma laughed nervously. "I suppose you caught me there, sir."
"Besides..." He added turning back to the forest, with a look on his face which Takuma would never be able to decipher. "There is nothing wrong with stories, Takuma."
~ (***) ~
San took her back to her cave and told her where everything was and where she would sleep. She knew just from looking at this girl that she had never left the town in her life. Everything was new to her. She was going to be introducing a life to her which she never thought was possible for someone such as herself. What Sen was giving her was a gift. The girl looked a little nervous but she seemed brave enough to accept these things and nodded politely. Sen was glad of this at first but she had no idea of what laid in store for her when it would finally occur to the girl that this would be her life as she knew it. She probably thought that one day she would be able to find her way home not knowing that this was her home. She sat down and San prepared a fire. She was very quiet for the entire time she made the fire and when they sat there on their first night. She could have been no older than three. Her daughter told her the name her parents gave to her but she refused to take that name. She hit her and screamed at her, demanding that she would take her home to her parents. My name is Yuki, she screamed. My name is Yuki! She told her firmly that if she was going to be her daughter she would have to take the name she would give her. She told her that her name was unacceptable since it was not the name that she would choose for her let alone one which she had not given her. The only name she would have would be one which she would give her. The girl cried at this and cried for her mother and father to come for her but San slapped her round the face and told her that she was her mother and she better start becoming accustomed to that fact. She was quiet for the rest of the evening and night. The girl sulked for months over this until she accepted the fact that she had no chance of going back to her old life. Eventually she had accepted that San was her new mother and that there was nothing she could do to change this fact.
~ (***) ~
Ashitaka sometimes ventured into the forest when he wanted to feel the silence once again. He could see why Sen was so reluctant to live in Iron Town. Sometimes the sounds and the grinding and the clanging of iron became just a little bit too much for anyone. He liked to get away from it all sometimes. Surely he couldn't be blamed for that? Even at his age... He just couldn't handle all of the crowds and the noise. He needed some silence so that he could have some time with his own thoughts. Something he would bury himself so deep into the silence that sometimes he would think that she was there with him. That was the one thing which was guaranteed with being in the forest, even if it was just for a moment. He liked being with the spirits again. They were a lot nicer to talk to than with humans. They talked about real things rather than how much gold they had found in a well or the good bargain that he got when he was at the next town for the firewood. He always knew there was not going to be the same hustle and bustle there was in Iron Town. Even though it had been decades since it was almost destroyed but they were still at it trying to re-build it again. Although he had a feeling that they were trying to make it better than it was before.
The forest people weren't like that. They did things the right way round if Ashitaka thought about it. He was even trying to install the ethic of the forest people into the younger generation of the town in the hope that they might adopt it and the forest and the town might be able to live in harmony with the forest. That would be the perfect world for the future generations to live in. They were quiet in their enterprises. They weren't loud and too ambitious like this new industrious world which was sweeping across the land. Things unfolded naturally out here opposed to the new world which forced their murderous machines upon the soil. San allowed things to grow out here naturally since that was the only way things could be out there. Whereas Ashitaka knew he had to let things be with how Iron Town was being constructed. That was his job as much as it was her job now. After she left him on that hill side she promised to bring the forest back to its former glory. She also told him that she was never going to forgive the humans for what they did, he always wondered whether he was included in that category as well. There was a part of him which always told him that he should have gone with her but there was something else drawing him to Iron Town. Or maybe there was something drawing him away from San. He was never really sure which it was, then again he was beginning to have problems remembering things...
~ (***) ~
Moriko was the only one to tell her of Ashitaka. She was her only chance for her to reach out to Ashitaka in that treaty of silence which they made to each other on that hill side. Sometimes when it was really quiet she thought that she could hear a voice. His voice. She remembered the one time that they spoke of her assured San that he was dwelling in the same, overwhelming prison of loneliness as she was. She felt assured then that she was not suffering any more than he was. When she thought about the possibility of Ashitaka with a family, it made her blood boil. She knew that neither of them wanted to agree to all of this. Deep down they wanted to be together but they knew they couldn't simply because their love was too destructive, too real, too pure for this world to be able to confine. It was the first time out of the three times she and Moriko spoke of him. She had been having dreams about him, that was the only reason why she had to speak of him to Moriko when preferably she would not wish to speak of him at all to another human being. The very thoughts she had towards him made her sick. She despised herself for them. She hated showing her daughter that she was weak when she expected her to grow up as strong as her mother. She didn't want there to be any chance of her being able to presume that she was weak. That she did not like being without another being...
She didn't want her to know what she was dreaming of and why she was dreaming of Ashitaka. Everything would be ruined if she knew who she dreamt of. If she knew what she dreamt of. She didn't know why but she had been dreaming of being in a forest alone. She didn't know why it had soon come to be the thing to haunt her. Even when she was awake the shadows of the branches, the sounds of the spirits, the creaking of the trees made her flinch. Sometimes she wondered whether she was awake or whether she was still dreaming. Moriko had gone, Iron Town no longer existed. It was just her and the forest. For a while it was good but then after years passed her by the imprisonment of loneliness soon sunk in. After years and years of suffering with her loneliness she suddenly saw Ashitaka from across the river. He didn't say anything, like her, he had no aged and he said nothing. She suddenly found herself running, swimming across that river but it seemed too strong for her. She swam as fast and hard as she could but there was nothing she could do. Her arms were growing weak and Ashitaka just watched her passively. She would cry out to him until she sank under the waves and then she would wake up. One time she woke up there her big green eyes would looming over her.
"Mama?" She asked with scared eyes.
"What child?" She snapped.
"Are you worried about Master Ashitaka?"
San slowly turned to her and grabbed her by the shoulders. "What are you talking about?"
She looked frightened now. She knew her mother was strong and it was sinking in now. She thought that if for a moment she was beginning to question her mothers strength she was now going back on doubting it altogether.
She could feel her shaking all over and the child quickly explained. "I heard you saying his name."
She gulped. "What do you know of Ashitaka?"
"He is the one who helps the town. He looks over the town from the watch tower although many people say that his eyes are turned to the forest most of the time. Sometimes they say it is when he wishes to speak to the spirit of the forest."
She frowned. "Why child? Why do they say that?"
The girl considered the answer to this question. "They don't say why but I think it is because he is lonely..."
~ (***) ~
He never thought that it would all come to him with this speed. It all came upon him so quickly. People thought that he would live to old age and he had to admit he wished for such an ending as well, considering it was the only one which guaranteed that he would live a full life. It was all so strange that he knew from before he even began falling, before he began to lose his balance, before he began shaking that he knew that he was going to die. You never knew a few years before, a few months or weeks even. You were only given a few days notice upon the when-abouts of your death. He was getting old now. Little Toki had gotten older, taller than that day when her father stopped him from walking into the forest. She was having young boys chase after her for goodness sake, this was a good indication to her no longer being a ten-year-old. She was no longer that little girl who ran up to him and asked to hear a story before settling into his lap. Did she still pay heed to the morals of those stories he told hundred of other children? He knew when he got up early that morning and when he watched the sunrise and watched the intensity of that burning sun he knew that this would be the last of his days. He was not certain of whether this would be his last sunrise but he knew that this would be the last of them.
"Master Ashitaka!"
Here it came. Here came the cavalry. Here came the voices which wanted to save him from this impending death. Why could they not just let him die? Any reasonable man who ran by logic rather than sympathies or their emotions would see that it was his time to go. Many men younger than him had died already. Why was he any different? Why were they so determined to keep him alive? Why did Takuma not let him into the forest? Was he so frightened of it himself that he was afraid that it would ensnare Ashitaka? He was right that day, it only harmed you if you meant the forest harm and he would never, ever find it in himself to harm something as pure at the forest spirit. Why could he not go back to that wonderful silence, that harmonious silence which could save him again? Sometimes he thought that it was the metal and the noise which was making him sick, it even considered it as the death of him someday. It would make him feel alive again. All this time it was the heaviness of the iron in his soul which made him fall down from that great flight but it was the wind which saved him from death. It could only be his death which could cleanse his soul of all the metal in his veins.
"Master!"
He looked up and saw that the sky was going pink. No orange. No both orange and pink. The day was coming to a close now which meant that the sun would be setting. That was a shame he liked to watch the sunset. He preferred it to the sunrise. He closed his eyes again and saw something very strange. Instead of darkness he saw a warm, burning light. He could see that burning sunrise again. He had missed it so much as well. Or maybe its a sunset. He missed that too, he missed that even more. He knew he was going to miss that more than anything. Where he was going soon, he presumed that there was never any sunsets or sunrises. It's even more beautiful than the one from before. He was actually wondering whether he had gone now and that this would be the very last sunrise he would see before departing into the next world. He can hear it. Some people would think he was mad or going senile when he said he could hear the sunset. On a sea you should be able to hear its sizzle when cold water met hot fire. He can hear its silent whisper. It seemed like it was a gift only given to those who would appreciate it. It's telling him that its almost time. He can feel the burning of the sunset on his skin. Its so warm. Its not burning like the sunrise. Its got hardly any life left in it but its more comforting than the sunrise because it doesn't want to kill you, it wants to comfort you in that last hour...
"Are you alright?"
Why can't they leave him alone? Why can't they just leave him to die? Everyone should have the right to die in peace for goodness sake. He was sure that San would have been given this right in the forest with her animals...That was a pitiful thing to say, he knew they were more than mere animals and that he should respect them more than that...He never told anyone this but he always thought that it would be better for him to die. He would have preferred to die sooner than this than to go on for another ten years. He was beginning to lose his energy and things were slipping away. Important things. At least then he wouldn't have to live with the yearning any more...
"My goodness is he hurt?"
It's funny the things people say when you fall from such a great height. He wondered as he lied there whether he was being selfish in his secret desires. Who would he really be leaving behind?
"I don't know..."
He didn't want anyone to feel like they were alone if he had died. He just knew it was his time to leave. That's all. Everyone had to live as much as they had to eventually die. It was all part of nature and it was about time that they got used it. Sometimes he felt that with the way people treated him, that he was supposed to live forever. What a sad thought...
~ (***) ~
"Moriko...I must leave you now..."
Moriko turned to her mother with a strange look on her face. She had lived with her so long now that she had no other mother. She remembered that there was another she called mother and that there was another which she called sister but that was a long time ago. She wasn't even sure whether that was all a dream or something which she imagined...
"Mother I don't understand..."
"Yes you do. My time has come."
"I thought only the Forest Spirit could decide that. Is he calling to you?"
Her mother shook her head. "No. Someone else is and..." Her mother hung her head down. "I am not allowed to be left behind...Neither would I be allowed to leave him behind..."
~ (***) ~
"Yuki?"
There was no reply. Why was there no reply? She always came when he called to her. She was such a good child. Such a lovely child. She was a wonderful child. He always thought that if he had a daughter she would be just like Little Yuki. She was so well-mannered and good-natured yet she was so spirited. Just like San. If they were to have a child together...
"Master Ashitaka?"
Ashitaka looked around and started sitting up. "Where is Yuki?"
There was a short silence after this. It was uneasy but the other speaker was quick to reply to him knowing he would only cause more harm by not answering quickly or at all.
"Master Ashitaka, Yuki disappeared many years ago..." The reluctant, sad voice replied.
"But...For a moment I thought I heard her..."
The man shook his head. "No. She has not returned. I don't think she ever will..."
Ashitaka laid there for a while thinking about that little girl from so long ago. For some strange reason he felt her somewhere close to this place. He didn't know why and there was no good reason for him to presume that she would be anywhere close to here. If she was still alive, which he was certain she was, she would be a little older than Little Toki. He could picture her being so full of life and being as loving to the forest as he was. He could remember her loving it so much...
~ (***) ~
He knew she would come for him before he would die. She had to. She promised. She didn't say it out loud but she knew it was part of the deal which they made when they parted ways. It was just something which he knew on instinct. He didn't know how but there was something about the way that they last left each other which told him that he was going to see her before he would die. There was something about the way which she looked at him which said to him, I am not going to let you die alone when that hour comes...Or maybe he was reading into it too much. He just knew from natural instinct as well as knowing that despite San priding herself in her stealth she could also be equally predictable. He knew that she would never break her promise. He knew that she could not abide him being the one to die first. He didn't know why but he had a feeling that she simply didn't want to be the one left behind. Or maybe there was a part of her which loved him enough to not want him to die alone.
"I knew you would come." His old, weak voice croaked.
She smiled under her wolf fur hood. He wasn't sure whether it was a smile but he was sure that he could see something glinting from her face. Maybe it was a tear. Surely, she wouldn't give into her emotions so easily? She was never an emotional person...Not to say that she was heartless, she was able to keep her emotions in better check than that. He knew she wasn't going to reply to this. She was never one for words. He said all that needed to be said and she did all that needed to be done. She had gotten old now too. Of course she did, living in the forest didn't mean that she was immune from the one natural, predictable course of nature. She had to have aged at least a little over the years. He squinted into the darkness to see her better. He could only see a ghost, a shadow not the woman that he knew although that was all the night could give you. Not even a candle was lit in the room but he was sure that she would have put it out before he could see her. There were only the vague lines of the changes the passing years had on her. She still looked as beautiful as when he first told her, like an old oak tree she still remained strong and sturdy as she was in her youth. She didn't say anything in reply, she simply stepped forward wordlessly. He remembered out of the corner of his eye the slightest glint of silver and his final words:
"I suppose it is now our time to go into the silence."
~ (***) ~
The sun rose silently over the hills the next morning. If the anyone had known about the events of the previous night they would have found it strange for the following morning to roll about so quietly and peacefully. Two bodies were found in that room resembling an old man and woman. When the rest of the town heard about the death of Master Ashitaka it was said that he died in his sleep rather than that he was found dead with a woman by his side with the room stained with their blood. They bled to death from a cut on his wrist and the woman had her throat slit. An officer would jump to the conclusion that they were murdered but a doctors inspection confirmed that as the man's injuries were not self-inflicted the woman's was. A joint death perhaps. A death of passion. One which claimed out of a promise which was too much for this world to take. Sometimes, some loves could only be found in death because it was too much for this world to contain. A stranger would presume that they were husband and wife. However for someone who knew Ashitaka better than anyone ever could this was the perfect picture of a lost love finally reclaimed.