Key:
centered text- singing
'single quotes'- writing other than the book
'single italicized quotes'- Writing in the book
italicized outside of quotes- thoughts
"italicized or bold inside quotes"- emphasis

How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Chapter 1: The Book

Mikado Ryugamine was buying his daily paper when out of the corner of his eye he saw it. The book that would change his life. How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying by I. Orihara. 'Dear reader,' he read, 'This little book is designed to explain everything you need to know about the science of getting ahead in business. Your first step is to memorize all the simple rules in the chapters which follow.' He bought it as well and headed off to that day's job to clean its windows.

As he got to the rooftop he read, 'If you have education, intelligence, and ability, so much the better. But remember this; that thousands have reached the top without any of these qualities.' He got into the window-washing cage. 'If you are anxious to rise quickly and easily to the top of the business world, the time is now! Strike while the iron is hot! Are you ready?'

Nodding to himself, Mikado answered, "I'm ready!"

'Good! You are about to begin your swift and daring rise to the top!' The cage began to lower down the side of the building.

He began to sing.

"How to apply for a job.
How to advance for the mail room.
How to sit down on a desk.
How to dictate memorandums.
How to develop executive style.
How to commute in a three bottom suit,
With that weary executive smile.

This book is all what I need.
How to... How to succeed..."

He pushed a window open and snuck inside, taking off his window washing jumpsuit to reveal a neat suit and bowtie underneath. In the busy office, no one noticed him.

"How to observe personnel.
How to select to whom to lunch with
How to avoid petty friends.
How to begin making contacts.
How to…"

He reopened the book. 'How to Choose the Right Company: Before applying for a job make sure the company is a large one.' Mikado looked around, then back at the book. 'This is essential. It should be at least large enough so that nobody quite knows exactly what the other fellow is doing!' The elevator pinged and a harassed looking man came out.

"Here, here! Somebody! Somebody! Here! Here! You fellows!" He stopped three other men. "We're out of wickets! Call the Worldwide Wicket Factory and send fifty thousand two-tone wickets at once!" He rushed off, before being stopped by the calls of the men behind him. "Don't argue with me! Do you want me to have another nervous breakdown?" He walked away, leaving the three perplexed men behind.

"Who in the hell is that?" one asked.

"Where the hell's the factory?" asked another.

"What the hell is a wicket?" asked the third.

The three men looked at each other, shrugged, and walked off. Mikado smiled. "The right company!" he said, before singing,

"This book is all what I need.
How to...
How to succeed!"

He then walked right into a group of important looking men. He fell to the floor. The other man was supported and checked on by those around him. He brushed them off. "Never mind, never mind, I'm fine! Leave me alone! I'm alright! Everybody back to work." He turned on Mikado. "Didn't you hear me? I said, everybody back to work!"

"I'm sorry I bumped into you, sir, but I'd like to apply for a job."

"A job? Do you know who I am?"

Mikado shook his head. "No, sir."

"I'm Saburo Togusa, the President of this company, that's who I am. In fact, that's who the hell I am!" The man stormed.

"Oh, my."

"How dare you come to the president of the company and ask for a job!" Togusa continued to rant. "Why do you think I have a personnel man? Why do you think I have a whole damn personnel department? Son, you bumped into the wrong man!" He walked off, swearing.

One of the men following him turned back. "You just committed industrial suicide, boy. That's the big fella!"

Mikado turned around and nearly ran into a young blonde woman. "Oh, hello!"

She smiled. "Hello! Did you hurt yourself when you fell down?"

Mikado brushed himself off. "No, no. I'm alright."

She shook her head. " Oh, I know how hard it is…"

He cut her off. "What?"

She repeated herself. "I said, I know how hard it is to find a job! I've been through that kind of thing myself."

"Well, thank you. You're very kind." Mikado looked around. "Could you tell me where the personnel office is?"

She looked shocked. "Personnel?"

He turned back to her. "Yes."

"Well, it's right there!" She pointed at it.

"Thank you." He began to walk away.

She chased after him. "Well, listen!" She caught up to him. "What, do you mean you're not discouraged?"

Mikado took the book out of his pocket. "No, I'm not at all. I'm prepared for exactly this sort of thing!"

She smiled. "Say, my friend Erika works in personnel. Maybe she can help you."

He tried to stop her. "Oh!"

"She's around here somewhere." She rushed off.

"No!"

"Wait right there!"

"That's not necessary! You don't have to go to all that…" She was gone. He sighed and began to wander around. He spotted an office door and headed toward it. It read 'Kyohei D. Kadota, Personnel Manager". The door opened and a man walked out, nearly running into Mikado. What is this, Run into People Day? Mikado wondered.

"What do you think you're doing over here?

"I'm here to see the personnel manager."

The man turned around. "I'm the personnel manager. We're not hiring anyone." He began to walk away.

Mikado rushed to stop him. "Well I was just speaking to Mr. Togusa…"

He turned around. "Togusa?"

"Yes, sir."

"Saburo Togusa?"

"Yes, sir. He told me to me to see you."

"You were speaking to Saburo Togusa himself?"

"Yes, sir. I just… bumped into him."

The man got a knowing look in his eye. "Ah-huh. He's a friend of yours?"

Mikado moved in close. "Sir, I don't think a man should trade on friendship to get a job."

He grinned. "By George, I like a man who stands on his own two feet." He clasped Mikado's shoulders. "My name is Kadota. Not 'Dota-chin' no matter what you hear."

Mikado shook his hand. "Mine's Ryugamine. Mikado Ryugamine."

Kadota raised an eyebrow. "Really?" Mikado nodded. "Well, Mikado, why don't you come in?" He turned back. "You know, maybe that ought to be Mikado T. Ryugamine!" He laughed.

Just before entering his office, Mikado turned back. "As a matter of fact, sir, it is." Kadota paused, looking shocked for a moment before following him into his office and closing the door.

Just as the door shut, three young women came up to stairs. "Good god, Kida! The least you could do is let me finish my drink!" Said the black haired one in the middle.

The well endowed one sighed. "What's the big "urgent urgency"?"

The blonde girl from earlier held out her hands pleadingly. "Well, yes, it's that woebegone look, a puppy-dog! Where you can just tell he'll never get anywhere." She turned to where she had left Mikado. "I just said that you could introduce him to…" She trailed off, not seeing him there. "Well, where'd he go?"

Her first friend sighed. "Well, who the hell should I know?"

"Kida, what's gotten into you?"

"Why should this creep be any different from any other creep?"

Kida glared at her friend. "He's not a creep!" She got a wistful look in her golden eyes. "Erika, he has this sort of, undaunted sort of noble courage. Yet, deep down you sense he's a helpless little muffin!" Erika looked exasperated. Kida looked to the other girl. "Come on, Anri?"

Suddenly the door to Kadota's office opened and he and Mikado strolled out, laughing together. Mikado finished up his joke, and Kadota let out a peal of laughter. "Oh, that's rich! A good one!" The three girls looked over incredulously. "Well, it's all settled then. Nice to have you aboard, Ryugamine."

Mikado smiled. "Well, I'm happy to ship out with you, sir. Really."

Anri turned to Kida. "Is that the…"

Erika finished her sentence. "The helpless little muffin." Kida nodded, smiling.

Kadota put his hand on Mikado's back and guided him over. "Well, I'll have my secretary fill out the forms." He spotted her. "Oh, Erika!"

She stepped forward. "Yes, Dota-chin?"

"Don't call me that." Kadota frowned, then continued. "This is our new Mr. Ryugamine!"

"Hello, there."

The blonde rushed forward. "My name is Kida. Masaomi Kida."

Mikado nodded. "Hello."

"Hello, I'm Anri Sonohara!"

"Hello."

Kadota cut in. "Mr. Ryugamine will be starting out in our mail room." He leaned in to talk to Mikado. "I hope you don't mind that, Ryugamine."

Mikado turned back to him. "Well, sir, in a big pond like this everyone must begin as a little fish."

Erika whispered to Kida, "Even a barracuda."

Mikado turned to her. "What'd you say?"

"Nothing!"

Down the hall a man called out to another walking down the hall. "Hey there, Aoba!" He caught up with the younger man. "Have you guys at the mail room sent out those new Wicket catalogues yet?"

Aoba shrugged. "I don't know. I'm going to the barber shop to get a scalp massage." He walked away.

"At this time in the morning? Why?"

Aoba turned back. "Because," he replied, straightening the other man's tie, "I'm the boss's nephew." He patted him on the chest and walked away. The other man opened his mouth to retort, before settling for scowling and walking away.

The three girls were laughing at something Mikado had said as Aoba walked by them, grabbing his attention. He stopped behind them. "Excuse me." Erika and Kida parted to let him through.

Kadota stopped him. "Oh, Aoba. This is Aoba Kuronuma, Mr. Togusa's nephew. Say hello to our new Mr. Ryugamine! He'll be working with you in the mail room."

Aoba looked at Mikado. "Oh, hello, Ryugamine. I'm Aoba Kuronuma. Mr. Togusa's nephew."

Mikado held out his hand. "Oh, how do you do?"

Aoba ignored it. Kadota turned to his secretary. "Erika!"

"Yes, Dota-chin?"

"Don't call me that. Get Mr. Ryugamine's vital statistics."

"Oh, yes, Dota-chin."

"Don't call me that." He turned to Mikado. "Nice to have you on the team, Ryugamine." He walked away.

"Good to be playing with you, sir!" Mikado called after him.

Aoba moved in on him. "Are you ambitious, Ryugamine?"

Mikado shook his head. "No, not necessarily."

Aoba smiled. "Good. You just keep that in mind. If you just remember who I am and who you are, we'll get along fine. If not…"

Kida rolled her eyes. "You'll go crying to your uncle."

Aoba rounded on her. "I beg your pardon! I do not go 'crying' to my uncle! It just happens that my mother is Mrs. Togusa's sister. If I feel something's wrong, I phone my mother. She phones Mrs. Togusa, and Mrs. Togusa phones Mr. Togusa. That's the democratic way." He walked away.

Kida laughed and walked over to Mikado. "You don't have to worry about Aoba Kuronuma."

"Well…" Mikado started before Kida steam-rolled right over him.

"Every company has a couple of lazy relatives floating around." She turned back to her friends, both of whom were smirking at her. "Ah, Erika. You were going to get Mr. Ryugamine's vital statistics."

"Ah, yes, now then Mr. Ryugamine. The first question is…" Erika was cut off by Kida.

"Are you married?"

Mikado was startled. "Married? No, no, I'm not. I don't even have a girlfriend."

Kida grinned. "Good." She giggled and was elbowed by her friend. Trying to cover, she turned back. "I mean it's very good that you answered with the right answer."

"Um…"

"Ah, for the questionnaire."

"Yes, it is." Anri agreed.

"I mean, it's not very wise to have a girl."

"No, it isn't." Anri chorused.

Mikado smiled. "Well, I'm glad you understand that Miss Kida. Some wouldn't, you see. I think that when a man wants to rise in the world of business, a girl, or let's say, an emotional involvement can only lead to getting involved... emotionally." Confused by his own words and the looks on Kida and Anri's faces, he turned to check the book.

Disappointed, Kida replied, "That's very intelligent, Mr. Ryugamine."

Erika interrupted. "Ah, are you quite finished with Mr. Ryugamine?"

Kida decided not to give up. "For the moment." Mikado looked up from his book to see the blonde grinning at him."

Erika turned to look over her shoulder. "Walker!"

"What is it, Erika?"

"Can you take Mr. Ryugamine here down to the mail and introduce him to Mr. Kishitani." She turned to Mikado. "We can fill out your personnel forms later."

Walker kept smiling. "Come on, Ryugamine. Man, that's a cool name! Is it a pen name?"

Joining him, Mikado answered. "No, it's my real name."

"Well, come on."

"Okay."

Kida called after him, "Oh, well, ah, good luck, Mr. Ryugamine!"

Mikado stopped and looked back. "Well, thank you, Miss, ah…"

"Kida, Masaomi Kida!" she answered, smiling.

He smiled back. "Kida, Masaomi Kida." He repeated softly.

"C'mon, Ryugamine!" Walker called. They walked off together.

Kida turned back to her friends. "Poor baby. He looks so utterly vulnerable. They'll eat him alive in this jungle." Erika and Anri exchanged a look behind her back.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything here, neither Durarara! or "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying".

Author's Note: I'm being bad, I know. I should be working on my Sweeny Todd project, or on Studying History, but I couldn't resist. I've had a need to write a Durarara fic ever since I first watched it, and I love the musical a lot. Unlike Sweeny Todd, this IS based off the movie, because it's the only version of it available to me. Also, unlike Sweeny Todd, this is a retelling of the story, not the characters putting on a play. Oh, and I hope the key at the beginning was useful. Please tell me if anything confuses you, and don't forget to review!