The Life and Times of Bruce Wayne, An Engaged Man

By: ScarletDeva

Author's Note: The original idea for this story was born ages and ages ago. If I am not mistaken, it was TK Styles who originally pitched it to me. And I totally started it. But then... didn't finish it. And it sat and sat in my files making lonely mewing noises. Yesterday I finally had the spark to get it done. Selina's voice kind of came to me. Thanks to my hubby for reading this before it went to the presses and confirming that even Batman is still a man.

Selina Kyle was drowning in paperwork.

This wasn't a particularly unusual state of affairs, although the paperwork itself had nothing in common with her normal art authentication documents, shipping forms and other business things. Oh no. This was paperwork of the scariest kind.

Wedding paperwork.

She huffed as she reviewed the florist contract, scribbling notations next to the delivery terms, and then heard a tray slide in next to her elbow.

"Thank you, Alfred," she said and looked up with a smile, which quickly turned into a frown as he extricated what looked like even more paperwork out of his jacket pocket.

"My pleasure, Miss Selina. Now, there is one aspect of wedding arrangements that has been sorely neglected and I took the liberty of providing some assistance," he said and offered her the packets.

She peered at him suspiciously as she took them and unfolded them to discover several travel brochures. Then she blinked. "What is this for?"

"I do believe it is traditional after the wedding festivities for the new bride and groom to depart on a relaxing journey," he said.

"A honeymoon? Alfred… you've met Bruce, right?" Selina scoffed, even as she eyed the vividly colored pictures of Tahiti at dusk.

"It is traditional, Miss Selina," he repeated.

A small, champagne-colored feline wound between Alfred's feet and then jumped into Selina's lap. She absently scratched behind Mercy's left ear and took another look at Tahiti. "It would be nice."

"Master Dick has agreed to perform Master Bruce's evening obligations for the duration," Alfred added.

Selina quirked a brow. Then she set the other brochures aside and unfolded the Tahiti resort one completely. "Does Bruce even own swimming trunks?"

This was clearly a Bat family conspiracy if she had ever seen one and it certainly wouldn't hurt to make Alfred happy. Especially since when Alfred was happy, she got her favorite strawberry white chocolate scones for breakfast. And Catwoman had to look out for her interests.

"I took the liberty of purchasing several pairs last week," he replied.

She ran a finger over the photo of the king size, canopied bed and thought for a moment. "Four?"

"Indeed, Miss Selina."

She rubbed Mercy's belly as the cat rolled over in her lap and shrugged. "You've convinced me." She stacked the paperwork neatly, hid the brochures in the desk drawer and set the feline down on the rug. "I'm going shopping."

"Very well, miss."

And she could have sworn Alfred's perfectly proper English exterior cracked just a touch with what was almost a twinkle in his eye.

Oh well.

She had bikinis to buy.

Bruce put the Lamborghini in park and hopped out. The door between the garage and the rest of the house was already open and Alfred was waiting with a tray, a sandwich on one side and paperwork on the other.

"Thanks, Alfred," he said, managing the stack of papers with one hand as the other brought the roast beef with grain mustard on rye to his mouth. He was reasonably certain that he would have starved to death by now if not for Alfred. "Is Selina home?"

"No, Master Bruce. She departed at three o'clock for a shopping outing. She also requested I provide you with an update on the wedding arrangements."

Bruce grimaced.

"The florist arrangements are finalized. There is a list of the musical groups on your desk that you are to review. I do believe she herself is partial to numbers three and seven. The invitation options are on your desk as well and Miss Selina is displeased with the designer's inability to understand her preferences on the matter."

"More cats?" Bruce asked.

"Indeed, sir. I do believe she intends to fire him. She mentioned introducing the man to some rather large specimens of the feline kind if he is so fond of the species," Alfred said.

"Hm. I'll warn the zoo."

"Very well, sir."

"Anything else?"

"The tuxedo fittings are tomorrow. Master Dick telephoned. He will join you here for breakfast so you may discuss how he can best take over your evening obligations for five nights after the wedding before you adjourn for the fittings. I hope Eggs Benedict will be satisfactory to both of you."

"Eggs Benedict would be… wait…"

"If they aren't to your liking, I do believe Master Dick is fond of my buttermilk waffles."

"Alfred!"

"Yes, sir? Are waffles not to your liking as well?"

"Alfred, what is this about Dick taking over for five evenings after the wedding?" Bruce's forehead wrinkled as he frowned.

"I do believe it is traditional for the new bride and groom to depart on a relaxing journey after the wedding. Although a week is certainly preferable, four days should be sufficient to satisfy that requirement."

"Alfred, Batman can't leave Gotham for four days!"

"Certainly not, sir. Master Dick shall prevent that admirably."

"I can't leave Gotham!"

"Friends and family will wonder if Bruce Wayne does not depart for a honeymoon," Alfred pointed out.

"Yes, which is why the Wayne jet would take off for Aruba and Selina and I would stay in during the day."

"Hm."

"Selina knows better than to expect me to take time off," Bruce countered, knowing exactly what that non-committal sound was.

"Hm."

"She does."

"If you say so, Master Bruce," Alfred said agreeably. "Is baked salmon with steamed asparagus acceptable for dinner this evening?"

Selina's favorite comfort food.

Bruce grunted.

Selina knew he couldn't leave Gotham.

Right?

Two hours later, the woman who worried his mind whirled through his office door with three giant shopping bags, her riotous curls swinging about her shoulders.

"Hey Handsome, want to see what I bought?" she asked with a grin. She didn't wait for his reply and dropped the bags on the rug then withdrew… string? Shiny blue string? With… wait. There were small bits of cloth attached to the string. "Or would you rather see it on me?" she added, her mouth tipping into naughty.

"Selina, what is that?"

She blinked. "Bruce, I know relaxation isn't in your top ten activities but even you must recognize a bikini." She bent down, her blouse dipping to expose just a hint of her lacy burgundy bra, and rifled through one of the bags. "And unless you want me swimming naked, which is certainly a different kind of option, I need swimwear."

His mind jammed on an image of Selina, with that same wicked grin, water streaming in rivulets down her skin, between her breasts, glinting down her stomach… wait. "Swimming?"

"Well since the Batlings just chipped in for four days in Tahiti's most exclusive resort, I would think that pretty much determines our honeymoon plans, don't you?" she asked as she smoothed that tiny piece of fabric over her breast. "What do you think?"

"Selina…"

"I know I don't normally wear blue," she said thoughtfully as if he hadn't even spoken, stroking the edge of the shiny fabric stretched over her blouse with an elegant finger, "but I thought I'd try something different." She let the bikini top drop from her body, twirling the string gently in her hand. "Sometimes," she said lightly, looking at him from under sooty lashes, "it's nice to try something different."

Bruce swallowed. "Selina."

She bundled the blue suit back in the bag and drew out a dark red one-piece that had barely any more fabric than the bikini. "I thought I'd book us for horseback riding and maybe some of the motorized water sports."

"Selina," he began again but now he was talking to her back as she slung the bathingsuit over her shoulder and headed for the entryway.

"I'm going to go try this one out in the Jacuzzi," she said, her voice husky, and winked before she shut the door behind herself.

Bruce pursed his lips and eyed the clearly full bags, the blue bikini just peeking over the edge of the rightmost one. Batman was the most disciplined man in the world, feared by criminals, respected by other superheroes, worshiped by his protégés. But he was still a man. And so he gently pushed aside that blue suit and slowly reached into the bag.

Alfred set down the tray with cut up, chilled fruit next to the Jacuzzi in which the mistress of the house lounged. Miss Selina's hair was bound up above her head, stray curls escaping to frame her face which sported the smallest of smiles. The ruffled straps of a scarlet bathing suit hugged the tops of her shoulders, the rest of her submerged in the bubbling water. While Alfred was no more than glancingly familiar with women's fashion, he tended to thoroughly approve of Miss Selina's style. Today was no exception. In fact, he thoroughly approved of Miss Selina's style in things other than fashion. And, again, today was no exception to that either.

"Thank you, Alfred," she said. "Don't worry, I won't miss dinner."

"I was not concerned in the slightest, Miss Selina," he responded evenly.

She smiled and picked up a slice of watermelon. "Well you know I would never disappoint you."

"Quite right, miss," he agreed and left her to her own devises, returning to the butler's pantry. He sat down at his desk, the household accounts still lying open, but reached instead for the telephone.

"Dick Grayson speaking," his second oldest charge's voice answered his call.

"Master Dick," Alfred greeted him.

"Alfred!"

Although Alfred was never a betting man, he could not help but consider that Master Dick's excitement perhaps owed something to the battle of wits currently unfolding in Wayne Manor.

"Perhaps, young master," Alfred suggested, "tomorrow morning, it would be beneficial for you to provide Master Bruce with an accounting of your plans for taking over his evening obligations. Perhaps in written form."

Master Dick chortled. "You and Selina are breaking him down, huh? Never thought I'd see the day." And indeed his tone was a trifle disbelieving.

"It is my hope that Miss Selina, with your able assistance, can persuade Master Bruce that a small rest could be beneficial," he responded in a faintly reapproving tone.

"Sorry, Alfred," Master Dick said, sounding much the same as he used to as a school boy when he apologized for misbehaving in class. "I'll get it all written up for tomorrow. But…"

"Yes, Master Dick?"

"Do you think we could have waffles for breakfast? If I have to face Bruce's disapproval, it goes down much better with maple syrup."

Alfred nodded, although Master Dick certainly couldn't see him. "Very good, young master."

"Great! See you tomorrow!"

And when Alfred hung up his old-fashioned telephone handle, he nearly smiled.

Tim was early for the fittings. That wasn't an accident. He had been up late helping Dick with the plans for the honeymoon patrols over Oracle's secure vid-channel and then woke up too late to actually have breakfast at home. Knowing Alfred, there would be something he could grab before the fittings started. But besides, he really didn't want to miss any potential fireworks.

Selina's personalized Maserati wasn't in the garage when he pulled in but Dick's blue Toyota Corolla was in its spot. Well, at least Bruce hadn't thrown Dick out of the house yet in a fit of self-righteous Bat-rage.

Tim crept through the kitchen, grabbing a blueberry scone – staying far far away from Selina's favorite strawberry white chocolate ones - which he promptly crammed in his mouth, and quietly made his way to the morning room where he knew Bruce and Dick would be breakfasting. And hopefully not killing each other.

He had money riding on it.

Cassie was sure that they wouldn't be able to convince Bruce but Tim… well… Tim bet on Selina. And on Alfred. He always bet on Alfred. They asked Babs if she had an opinion but she just laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And then demanded that Tim report back after the fittings.

"Perhaps you would opt for more substantial sustenance, Master Tim," Alfred said right behind him.

There were days Tim was pretty sure that Alfred was actually the most Bat-worthy member of the clan. And then there were days when he was totally sure. Today was obviously the latter. Still, he would have voluntarily signed himself up for Bruce's extra special training if he jumped so he held it together as he turned around. "Hey, Alfred. No, the scone is good for now," he said.

"Very good, young master," Alfred agreed. He brandished stapled packets of what looked like the plan Dick came up with last night but… covered all over with Bruce's spiky handwriting. "In that case, perhaps you could deliver these to the morning room."

"Uh sure," Tim agreed and grinned. "Guess I better block out those four nights, huh?"

"Indeed, Master Tim."

When Tim walked into the morning room, Bruce was bent over napkin, scribbling notes on what looked like a quick draft of the Gotham Stock Exchange floor plan while Dick shoveled the mutilated remains of a chocolate chip waffle into his mouth. Bruce acknowledged Tim with a grunt and Dick shoved a clean plate towards him and gestured to the table, dark blue eyes twinkling.

Tim shrugged, put down the papers and snagged a waffle.

It was going to be a busy couple of months until the wedding.

Selina popped into the butler's pantry on her way upstairs. A towel was slung around her shoulders and she was still wearing a fitted tee and exercise pants, although she kicked off her sneakers at the door.

"Hi, Alfred," she said as she stuck her head inside.

"Good afternoon, Miss Selina," he said agreeably, working on his own stack of papers.

"Is everyone done with the tuxedo fittings?" she asked, leaning against the door jam.

"Indeed, Miss Selina," he confirmed. "The young masters are having a repast in the kitchen if you care for any refreshments."

Selina quirked a dark brow. "I'll wait for lunch." She paused thoughtfully. "How did breakfast go?"

"I believe it was a resounding success," Alfred said and again she thought she caught the barest edge of a smile in his dark eyes.

She caught a curl and wound it around her finger as her lips curved into a grin. "I guess I'd better go console Bruce."

"Indeed, Miss Kyle," he agreed. "Master Bruce is downstairs."

Selina hummed to herself as she made her way down the steps into the Bat Cave. Only Batman would need to be consoled because he agreed to go on a honeymoon trip. But then it was his little idiosyncrasies that made him so cheek-pinchingly adorable. And she didn't mean the ones on his face.

And wasn't it just too bad, she thought as she looked at the back of his head visible over the top of his favorite chair, that he would now expect to keep those cute cheeks working day and night until the wedding just to make up for what he was sure to perceive as his grand laxity for the four days after.

Well… Selina decided as she dug her fingers into his thick hair, tweaking all his expectations was one of her little idiosyncrasies. And wasn't that just too bad for him.

As she laughed throatily at Bruce's annoyed grunt, one hand snaking inside his collared shirt, she thought Alfred would definitely approve.