Author's note: I found this on my computer today. I have no idea when I wrote it or why, but it deserves to be shared with the world.
SUPER MARIO 64: AWESOME EDITION
Chapter 1: Mario Is Strong, Lean and Fit
A long time ago in a faraway land lived a hero, who fought for justice, defeated tyrants, and treated all fairly...
Well, not really.
"Luigi, WHERE'S-A MY LASGNA!" Mario was sitting at an average sized kitchen table that was almost as large as him.
"Here-a you go!" said Luigi with a forced smile, placing the lasagna on the table. "You know-a, maybe next-a time you could go for-a the fat-a free tomato sauce..."
"Luigi, are-a you stupid?!" Mario roared at him. "You-a know fat keeps-a me strong, lean, and-a fit!"
Mario's chair broke under him.
"YOU-A DIDN'T PUT ENOUGH TOMATO-A SAUCE, LUIGI!" screamed Mario, struggling to get up.
"Well-a Mario, fat does-a help in small amounts-a, but-ARGH!"
Mario had gotten up and sat on Luigi.
"ALL-A RIGHT, FAT IS GOOD, FAT IS-A GOOD!" squealed Luigi.
"That's-a better. Now get-a up and feed-a me the lasagna," commanded Mario.
Luigi struggled for two hours. "Mario, could-a you please get-a up?" he finally asked.
Mario had fallen asleep.
Luigi burst into tears.
The next morning, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and a certain Cyan Paratroopa was about to receive a very strange sight.
"Mail cal-AUGH!" Parakarry had stumbled upon Mario eating a lasagna while sitting on a bloodstained Luigi. "Wow, you, uh, really let youself go, Mario," said Parakarry hesitantly.
"Let-a myself get stronger, you-a mean!" cheered Mario through a mouthful of lasagna.
"Yeah, that's exactly what I meant..." said Parakarry backing away. "Oh, yes, this letter. Here, Mario-" he threw the letter at the large red blob on the floor "-it's from Peach. Bye now!" he held a fake grin and flew away, pulling out his cell phone to dial 911.
"I-a told Luigi that-a he was wrong-a," muttered Mario to himself while opening the letter.
"Who's-a wrong," grumbled Luigi sleepily. "And why-a is there so much-a red-AUGHH!"
"Don't-a worry Luigi, it's-a suffering that makes-a you as-a strong as me!" encouraged Mario. "Mama mia, it's from-a Princess Peach!"
"What's-a from Peach-a?" screamed Luigi, trying to escape.
"It's an invitation, and-a she's going-a to serve cake! It's-a even better than-a lasagna," advised Mario.
"Did-a she say if-a Daisy would be there-a?" Luigi asked hopefully.
"Nope-a. Here-a, read it." Mario handed the letter to Luigi.
Dear Mario,
Please come to the castle. I've baked a cake for you.
Yours truly-
Princess Toadstool
Peach
P.S. Please don't break through the drawbridge.
"I-a see she has-a as much confidence-a in your weight as-a I do," Luigi said wittily.
Mario crunched down on him.
"ALL-A RIGHT, YOU'RE STRONG-A, LEAN, AND-A FIT! PLEASE-A GET OFF!" Luigi yelled, his bones stretching.
"If-a you insist," grinned Mario, attempting to get up.
Luigi crawled out, and fell unconscious from blood loss.
"What a bloody idiot!" said Mario in a fake British accent as he waddled out of the house.
As Mario walked down the road towards the warp pipe, an ambulance, three police cars, and a fire engine sped up to the Mario house.
"Listen up men," shouted the head policetoad, "this man is known to be extremely dangerous! Do not approach him unless he is undoubtedly unconscious! And most of all, do not, I repeat, do not stand behind him!"
The policetoads gave an emphatic, "YES SIR!"
"Good," said the head policetoad. "Now let's roll!"
The policetoads stormed the building to find Luigi covered in various red liquids.
"Be careful, men! He could be hiding anywhere!" said the head policetoad. "Agent Saif T., take the victim outside. Nass T., you make a search of the house. Don't hesitate to shoot. Truss T. and I will search here for clues."
Saif started to pick up Luigi and walk outside, as Luigi slowly started to regain consciousness.
"Who-a...are you?" said Luigi in a soft voice.
"I'm here to help," said Saif confidently. "But quickly, tell me where your brother went!"
"Warp-a...pipe," said Luigi fading back into unconsciousness.
Saif reached the ambulance. "Quick, take him! I've got to follow Big Red!" He ran down the street after Mario.
At the warp pipe Mario was struggling to lift a leg up to get in the pipe. "I am strong-a, lean and-a fit!" cried Mario.
"Stop right there!" exclaimed Saif T., pointing his gun at Mario. "Do not enter the pipe!"
"What-a are you saying that-a I did?" asked Mario, still trying to enter the pipe.
"You are being accused of assault, battery, and jaywalking-wait, really?" Saif T. consulted his book of laws. "Ah, I see. You weren't using the sidewalk to walk to the warp pipe. Now come over here with your hands up!"
Mario had gotten stuck halfway through the warp pipe.
"Well, I'll just have to come to you!" said Saif triumphantly.
"You-a will never-a get me!" cried Mario pulling out a knife.
Saif T. backed out of range and waved the gun at Mario threateningly. "This counts as threatening a government official, you know!" he warned, adding that charge to his list.
"I'm-a not going to cut-a you. I'm-a gonna cut me!" Mario had cut the large layers of fat from around him, allowing him to fall into the pipe.
Saif T. tried to move the fat off the top of the pipe, but it was too heavy. He ran back to his police car, got a lever to move the fat, then jumped in after Mario.
At the hospital, Luigi was recovering from his massive injuries. He had broken every rib, both arms, and a leg. Luckily, the doctors had a fresh supply of 1-Up shrooms, and he was good as new. However, he still had to go through therapy...
"Tell me about your relationship with your brother," said the psychiatrist.
"He-a made me cook-a him lasagna, and do-a the dishes, and make-a the beds, and-" Luigi passed out. He was going to be in there for a while.