Ready to Die
Chapter 1
A/N: I am a bad fanfiction author! I should be working on PCAR or TSSI, not this! But y'know what? This has been in my head for days now and…I GOTTA WRITE IT! Just a short little this based around a little joke, no pairings unless you really want one, then I'll put in a pairing.
"What the fuck just happened?" Hidan stumbled, blowing strands of silver hair from her face.
"We got caught in a fucking jutsu," Deidara got up the cliff-side first, "this is what we get for trusting that snake, hm."
"WHAT HAPPENED YOU GAY PRISS?" Hidan screamed.
"Well seeing as I now have a waist and hips, as well as a rack," Deidara paused, "guess."
"Tell me what fucking happened," Hidan growled.
"We got turned into girls," Deidara said bluntly, "and since you are clearly PMSing, I think the effects are permanent, hm."
"WHAT?" Hidan slid off a rock, "HOW ARE YOU SO NIMBLE YOU LITTLE SHIT?"
"My female body's not all that different from my male one," Deidara pinched the sides of her waist, "you have glorious hair, by the way."
"Oh god what does it look like?" Hidan pushed her bangs from her face.
"Let's just say you look like you cut your hair with garden shears," Deidara put her hands on her hips, "I think I'm fucking gorgeous, what do you think?"
"I'm going to kill you," Hidan said.
"And you're pretty easy on the eyes yourself, hm."
"I'm going to kill you in the most painful way possible."
"Oh please, I'm at least making the best of it," Deidara laughed, "I wonder if I can give Kisame no Danna a nosebleed, hm." Hidan growled and scrambled up the cliff-side.
"Come on Narcissus," she grabbed the artist by the hand, "we need to go tell Zetsu what happened."
"You're adorable," Deidara laughed.
"THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"
"On the contrary, it's fucking hilarious."
Hidan paused at the sound of something coming through the trees, Zetsu.
"That's new," Zetsu's black half said.
"And really weird," his white half added.
"It feels weird too," Deidara said, "like, emotions just got racked up a hundred times what they usually are and my chest hurts, a lot, hm."
"I hate it," Hidan growled, "and you certainly changed moods fast."
"I was fucking with you," Deidara smirked, "it's fun."
"I'M STILL A CHICK!" Hidan screamed.
"Calm down," the black half said, "we'll relay this information to the Leader. In the meantime, head to the nearest hideout, we may have to call a physical meeting to discuss this."
"And Hidan?" The white half said, "Close your cloak all the way before you flash everyone."
"Shit!" Hidan snapped her cloak shut. Zetsu disappeared into the tree. Hidan sighed and looked at Deidara.
"I don't like this," she said.
"I don't either," Deidara shrugged, "but we're near a hideout, let's go, hm."
"And here I though no one would be as angry as Hidan," Deidara smiled at Sasori, who was looking highly displeased, "what's wrong?"
"You said you'd be careful," Sasori growled, "'not a single thing will go wrong' you told me." The other Akatsuki around them either laughed or looked as deadpan as always.
"Yes well we never factored in the chance that our opponent knew a forbidden technique that changed his enemies' gender," Deidara crossed her arms, "I hardly see that as a problem, hm." Sasori sighed.
"If it makes you feel any better," Deidara said, "I was being careful, hm."
"Obviously not enough," Sasori sighed.
"Yes," Deidara laughed nervously, "funny how that works." She glared over at Hidan.
"I'M SORRY I KNOCKED YOU RIGHT INTO THE BLAST!" Hidan screamed, "IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, I'M FEMALE TOO!"
"Put a fucking shirt on," Deidara snapped. Pain stepped in with Konan in tow. The entire group looked to him. He gestured for Deidara and Hidan to leave the crowd.
"I take this as proof of the mission's failure," he gestured to them.
"Yeah," Deidara nodded, "kinda." Konan smiled politely to Deidara. Pain sighed in exasperation.
"Both of you," he said softly, "you still retained most of the skills that got you into the Akatsuki, correct?"
"Yes," Deidara nodded, "we made sure."
"Good," Pain motioned for them to return to the crowd, then addressed the entire organization. "I didn't think I'd have to say this, ever!" Pain's voice was loud and clear, "I hadn't expected this to happen, and frankly, neither did any if you. But I'm fairly certain all of you know what this entails."
"No dating within the group," Kisame chuckled, glancing at Hidan, "shame, because they're both pretty cute."
"I will kill you," Hidan growled. Sasori and Deidara exchanged smiles. Inwardly, Sasori was glad that it was still the same Deidara. Kakuzu, on the other hand, was silently wishing that Hidan had actually gained at least a little civility from becoming a girl.
"If you aren't partners with Deidara or Hidan, you are dismissed," Pain said loudly. The rest of the Akatsuki began filing out. While passing Deidara, Itachi gave a gentle nod.
"You look nice," he said flatly. Deidara's face went slightly pink.
"T-thanks," she stuttered. As soon as all other partners were gone, Pain turned to the remaining four members.
"I take it the technique is permanent?" he guessed.
"It's permanent," Deidara confirmed, "it looks and feels different, no questions, hm."
"You're voices are also different," Pain observed, "Konan?"
Konan nodded, but gestured for Pain to leave, he did, followed by Kakuzu and Sasori. Once they were gone, she began laughing.
"I don't think this is very funny," Hidan said.
"No," Konan calmed herself, returning to her composed self, "I've never seen Pain-san so embarrassed before. It's quite amusing."
"Kakuzu just looked pissed," Hidan said.
"Sasori WAS pissed so you have no room to talk," Deidara smirked. Konan sighed.
"Any particular questions?" She asked.
"Besides the obvious trio every guy will ask?" Deidara smirked, "As in: What do menstrual cramps feel like? What does a bra feel like? And-"
"Stop before you start," Konan smiled, "I know that last one."
"What's sex like?" Hidan asked bluntly, not really reading the mood in the room.
"That was exactly what I was about to ask," Deidara said.
"Both of you are boys alright," Konan laughed, "you'll learn about all three eventually. Any other questions?"
"Yeah," Hidan crossed his arms, "related to your answer to my first question, how am I supposed to learn about it if the damn leader banned dating?"
"He never banned sex," Deidara noted. Konan face-palmed.
"Any other questions?"
"Two," Deidara said, "first one is related to the fact that both of us are still dressed like we were as males, and I am really uncomfortable in these clothes now, hm."
"We're getting you two new clothes."
"Great. Second question, how many guys am I going to have to punch?"
"Looking at you," Konan looked Deidara up and down, "a lot. Hidan less so, but still a lot."
"What?" Hidan looked confused.
"Guys flirt," Deidara explained.
"Oh."
"Also," Konan pulled a roll of measuring tape from her pocket and pointed to Deidara, "cloak, off, now."
"Eh?" Deidara raised an eyebrow. Hidan smirked.
"There is such a thing as measurements unless you want to be wearing clothing that doesn't fit," Konan said. Deidara rolled her eyes and pulled off her cloak.
"You alright there?" Deidara stared at a very uncomfortable looking Hidan.
"I hate shirts," Hidan said, "I am wearing a shirt and a cloak. I already hated the cloak. I hate the shirt even more."
"Yes well I'm not walking around with a shirtless woman," Kakuzu said, "I already dislike walking around with a shirtless man. You being female already gets me labeled as a pervert." Sasori looked to Deidara.
"No complaints?" he asked. Deidara smiled slightly.
"Pockets," Deidara said, almost jokingly, "why are my pockets absolute shit?"
"No more hiding shit in your pockets," Sasori smirked.
"Shut up," Deidara snarled. Sasori laughed and began walking.
"Let's go," he said.
"Where?" Deidara asked.
"Wherever," Sasori smirked, "we have no clue where the jinchuriki is, let's see if we can find it by walking around aimlessly."
"You just recovered."
"I don't care."
"I like you better with a normal brain and heart, hm."
"Fuck off."
Hidan crossed her arms and stared after them as the two walked off.
"It barely phases them," she said softly, "they're the fucking same regardless."
"Because they're friends," Kakuzu began walking in the opposite direction, "they're something I don't need. Come on, we'll be late."
"And whose fucking fault is that going to be?" Hidan yelled, following after, "You're the reason we're always late! With your damn side job and everything!"
"It's important."
"LIKE HELL IT IS!"
"Your arguments are starting to sound rational."
"I'm going to fucking murder you!"
"Don't even try."