Nervously, I plodded through Chipenden, fighting back the weariness trying to overcome my body.
I'd written to Tom, now the Chipenden Spook, not long ago begging his forgiveness. Received no reply, did I? But I didn't expect one either, didn't even deserve to have been his friend in the past.
Whilst writing that small letter I realised not only did I need to write to him, I needed to explain my actions in person.
It was now dusk and my stomach felt heavy, my legs and back aching.
Why did Lukrasta have to be so heartless?
Then I reminded myself I had tricked him.
But Pan had forced me to do it and besides, he'd tricked me too. Had me believe he'd help defeat the Kobalos mages if I stayed with him and he promised he wouldn't hurt Tom. What a fool I'd been!
Not only had Lukrasta been assisting a dark army of Kobalos mages, not to mention training them in the same tower I was living in with him, but also he'd aimed for both Tom and me all along since I'd released him.
I was in conflict with my thoughts and had been for a while ever since I did what I did.
Finally, I came to the blacksmith's workshop, walked in and told him who I was.
"What's your business here, girl? You sure do have some nerve," said the village blacksmith, unsatisfied and disgusted at my walking freely into his shop.
"I just came to ask if To…Master Ward received the letter I wrote to him," I replied, biting back my anger and irritation with my bottom lip.
"Aye, he did, girl, and he seemed lost in his thoughts, in conflict with himself. Now, you have your answer," he said, wanting me out of his workshop.
"Ain't the only reason I came all this way to Chipenden. Need to sort out what I caused between us in person," I told him impatiently.
"Well I'm sure he doesn't want to see you here; a witch to be at his heels," he answered back vulgarly.
"No need for that, I'm still going to see him!" I snapped and left the shop angrily, continuing on my way.
I rubbed my belly gently, stomach cramps returning.
The tiredness was getting to me and I struggled to keep my senses sharp; my pace, I found, had slowed even more.
It was very cloudy and the blue fells camouflaged well against the late sky. There were a few stunted trees on each bank, clinging to the hillside against the force of the cold rapid winds. It was strange because although summer it was, the winds were as cold as winter.
Now entering the wood of sycamore and ash, I wrapped my dark fur trim cape with two layers and long sleeves tighter around my body.
At least Lukrasta had supplied me with that: a warm coat to shield my body from the wind's hostility.
The wood was nothing more than a large collection of trees that offered shelter from the buffeting winds. Far above, the harsh breath of the whistling wind was to be heard but down here within the wood, the only sound was the snapping twigs and crunching fallen leaves underfoot. Apart from that, everything was still and silent, like I was being watched as the wood seemed to hold it's breath.
Didn't like that idea one bit so I shivered and carried on walking jadedly.
Eventually, I came out into a clearing where, sitting on a hollow hillside, was a house and garden I knew so well: surrounded by a tall hawthorn hedge was Old Gregory's Chipenden house that I guessed now belonged to Tom.
Spotted smoke rising from the chimney, telling me that Tom was still awake. Something about that house seemed different, but I didn't know what it was. It seemed more reserved, cold and unwelcoming, somehow.
Instead of going to the small metal gate painted bright green, I continued along the hedge until I came to the western garden. Walked through those trees up to the edge by the bench: made last year seem like yesterday, the last time I went out to meet Tom in this way, like I was fifteen all over again.
Waited there 'cos I'd heard and seen that Tom had a new apprentice called Jenny Calder. Didn't want to cause her a fright, did I? Even if she had taken my place, it still wasn't right to walk in like that.
So instead, I pulled out my brass mirror from my small bag, choosing to contact the mirror in Tom's living room. Placing both hands on the glass I closed my big brown eyes and concentrated. Thought of the first time I'd kissed Tom 'cos of my feelings for him, standing in this very spot. It was caused by my flaring emotions with the knowledge that I'd kept so much from him, wishing with all my being we could be together, clinging dearly to the thought that we would meet again on good terms. Evidently, that was as hopeless as a little girl's wish to be a princess living a fantasy; Life was far more callous.
At first, nothing happened but then, to my relief, Tom's face appeared and he was holding the letter. He seemed angry, didn't blame him after the way I treated him when all he'd done was be a good friend to me. I also saw a mixture of sadness, worry and, even, a hint of relief.
Meet me at the edge of the western garden, I told him.
Tom nodded uncertainly and the image faded.
I put the mirror away and waited, anxious again. How could I start after all these months?
I rubbed my stomach again as I leaned against the tree trunk.
Felt guilty for what I'd done; cursing the day I carelessly made that deal with Pan. Hopefully, Tom would understand though I didn't blame him if he didn't.
Suddenly, I heard the gradual sound of boots approaching.
I straightened myself up and within moments, a cloaked figure appeared, rowan wood staff in hand. It was held in his left hand and when he spoke, I knew the voice all too well.
"What do you want here, Alice?" Tom demanded angrily as he saw me. I noted how he looked anywhere but my eyes.
I couldn't say anything, mind, my eyes were averted to the ground by my feet instead. I knew that I would burst into tears if I looked into those friendly green eyes I once knew so well, now strange to me and looking down at me bitterly.
"I warned you never to set foot in Chipenden again!" he told me coldly, withdrawing his hood.
There was something else besides bitterness in those green eyes of his as I glanced up at them. I then kept my eyes from the ground, but also averted them from his.
"Never wanted you hurt, Tom. Those things I said, never meant a word of 'em. I came to sort this out," I said, tears welling as our eyes met like strangers looking at each other for the first time. Hurt me sorely, it did.
"What, Alice? Do you want forgiveness now?" Tom mocked.
"Don't mock, Tom, don't suit you. No, you deserve to know."
"Know what?"
"I left you for you! Left you so Pan would leave you alone. There was a task I had to do," I explained bluntly, biting my bottom lip as I felt it tremble.
Tom moved to sit on the bench, presumably prepared to listen.
"What task?" he asked, his voice softening yet still business-like.
"Ain't going to like this, Tom, but you need to know…Back in the dark before Halloween, I chose to start at Pan's domain since the others were more dangerous for me to start at. When I got there, Pan told me entering his territory came with a price. Didn't know what he meant, did I? So I left it at that and forgot all about it. As I was about to leave the dark through his domain again he reminded me of the price. I was in such a hurry to get home to you so I didn't think to question him further about it.
"On the night I was about to start the process in binding the Fiend, Pan appeared in my mind just as I was about to use the doomdryte. The words started to reform and Pan threatened me. Said that if I didn't release Lukrasta and leave with him, he'd kill you. Couldn't live with that, could I? So I did what he commanded," I explained, tearful at the memory.
Sat next to Tom on the bench without thinking. He probably didn't want to even look at me right now. But to my relief, he pulled me closer to him, offering comfort. Although that was nice of him, he still seemed far away, still seemed unforgiving and somewhere I couldn't reach.
"Why, Alice? Why wouldn't you tell me? I could've helped," asked Tom once I'd stopped crying.
"First time I tried I was about to use a mirror but Pan interrupted the connection like the Fiend had done and made the same threat so I kept quiet. Scared me good, he did, but I wasn't scared of him, I was scared of losing you. Realising how miserable I was in that awful tower - cried when Lukrasta was nowhere near - Pan made me a promise: I could return to you once I gave Lukrasta a child or you admitted your feelings for me and I admitted mine in return!" I cried, "So…when you said you'd…o-only leave if I…l-left w-with you…thought you'd admit your feelings…to m-me…the-then."
"And have you had Lukrasta's child yet?" Tom asked quickly, his expression serious and showing somewhat feeling of betrayal.
"It's on the way but that ain't the reason I left him, Tom. Lukrasta told me he never had feelings for me, he only wanted my strength and power so, once he found out about the baby, he forced me out with such harsh words," I replied, bowing my head again.
Tom wrapped his arms around me, though it was in a brotherly way.
"Are you telling me you walked all this way with a child inside you?" asked Tom, speaking into my ear gently. Something about that tone in his voice still sounded bitter – a bittersweet tone of voice, maybe.
"Felt it was only right to explain it all in person. When I tried the last time you seemed all bitter and besides, Lukrasta was nearby…"
As I gathered my courage and looked up into Tom's eyes, I did something uncontrollably and without reason: I placed my lips on his.
He moved his lips in time with mine.
It was one sweet innocent kiss that lasted for only a few moments, though time seemed to stop and the world seemed to hold it's breath altogether, waiting just for us.
Dark clouds swirled in and rain began to trickle down our faces but, for one beautifully blissful second, we didn't care.
However, Tom broke away and cupped my face with his hands.
"I'm sorry, Alice, I just…I need time. This just seems too sudden after what's occurred between us. I've wanted this but just not yet. In time, I'm sure I can forgive you completely; just not right now, it's…it's hard to explain…" Tom told me softly.
Felt a little hurt by this, I did, to be held in separation from him. It was in that moment that got me wondering: should I have even come here or should I have just told him away from Chipenden then kept out of his way for a while?
"No, Tom, I'm sorry. Shouldn't have rushed into this, should I?" I apologised.
We walked over to Tom's house without holding hands, restrained from each other's grasp by our thoughts. Maybe it would have been better if I had kept away from him. After all, I only ever brought trouble and suffering even when I tried to do good for him.
Tom looked up at the dark night sky.
"Oh well, looks like there won't be any stars out tonight," he sighed.
We chuckled together. Only lasted for a second or two before falling into complete silence once more.
Wounded me to see that even our laughter together seemed to be forced, it did, our friendship weakened by one, huge, mistake.
"Are you sure your apprentice won't mind my staying here?" I asked him.
"Maybe, but I'll explain it all to her in the morning," he replied. "How did you know I have an apprentice?"
"I'll explain later," I smiled.
As Tom put his right arm around me, still in a brotherly, more sincere gesture, I rested my head on his shoulder; making the most of such a gesture that I knew wouldn't last long.
Soon we were by the warmth of the blazing kitchen fire, my hand on top of Tom's though he looked willing to move his hand away from mine – but he didn't. That's what got me confused about his thoughts and feelings towards my return.
I explained all that I knew about Talkus and the Kobalos mages. Tom seemed deeply interested as he listened tentatively.
However, I was back making the deal I had made with Old Gregory five years ago only this time, the deal was friendlier because I was making it with Tom. Knew life could never go back to the way it used to be but maybe it was for the best, right?