The Shipping Game: Avengers Edition
Live from Stark Tower, it's the SHIPPING GAME! And here's everyone's favorite host, the egomaniac of iron, he's TONY STARK!
Tony walked out onto the stage. "Thank you, thank you, I resent that statement, but thank you! Thanks for tuning into the Shipping Game, where we fulfill any fan's dream. I am, of course, Tony Stark, your tour guide through this jungle of forced pairings. Today, we have several eligible bachelors who will be competing for the affections of one slightly well-known fanfic writer!"
He cleared his throat. "Our bachelors have been trapped inside a high tech Stark security vau-I mean hidden away in our bachelor cave of mystery. Our first contestant is the demigod that inhabits the dreams of the fandom, the adopted son of Odin, LOKI!"
The camera panned to the other side of a wall erected onstage, where the demigod himself was taking a seat. He did not look very happy to be on the show.
"Couldn't Odin have come up with a better punishment for me?" he muttered.
"He wants you to get a girlfriend," Tony explained. "Now, our next contestant is actually much older than he appears. It's the one-armed former brainwashed assassin himself, BUCKY!"
The camera panned to a seat behind Loki, where Bucky was sitting. "Is this revenge for killing your parents?" he asked.
Tony shook his head. "Nah, I have something much more painful planned out."
"Swell," Bucky grumbled.
"Our final contestant today is actually from one of Marvel's several TV shows!" Tony said. "He's the master manipulator, the man in purple who ISN'T Hawkeye...it's KIL-GRAAAAVE!"
The camera panned behind Bucky, where Kilgrave was sitting. Again, he did not look to pleased.
"Why the hell am I here?" he growled. "I'm supposed to be dead."
"Because you look like the Tenth Doctor," Tony explained.
"Doctor who?"
"Exactly. Now for tonight's lovely damsel. She's written several fanfics on this site, but this is her first Avengers fic! Here she is, the one, the only, STORYGIRL000!"
From the left side of the stage came a girl in her early-ish teens. She had shoulderlength brown hair with bangs, brown eyes framed by black-framed glasses, and tan skin. She wore a red sweater-dress with elbow-length sleeves, white tights, black one-inch heels, and a clip-on red ribbon in her hair.
"Interesting choice of men tonight, I heard," she mused.
Tony smiled. "Only the best for our girls. Now, let's see what our lucky couple will win tonight!"
The winner and her lucky date will have dinner reservations at Tony's Shawarma Palace, after which they'll spend a huge amount of gift cash at the Mall of America!
Tony smiled. "And boy they'll need it, because they'll also be traveling on a Disney cruise!" He turned to Storygirl. "Now, what's your first question for the first bachelor?"
Storygirl turned towards the wall separating her and her three potential dates. "So, where would you take me on our first date?" she asked.
Loki sighed. "I'd probably take you home to see Odin, just so he can approve of you and start the arranged marriage prepa-"
"Next!" Storygirl interrupted.
"Bachelor number 2!" Tony said.
Bucky thought for a moment before answering. "I'd probably take you somewhere nice for dinner, and afterwards we could see a movie or go dancing."
"Hmm, sounds interesting..." Storygirl muttered.
"Bachelor number three!" Tony yelled.
A smile crept across Kilgrave's face. "I'd probably take control of you in a secluded place. Make you do terrible things."
Everyone stared at him. Well, Tony and Storygirl did their best, but he was obscured by the wall.
"...I choose to believe that you're talking about date rape," Loki finally said.
"Next question!" Tony yelled before I'd have to bump the rating up.
Storygirl quickly spoke. "If you could be any kind of animal, what would you be?"
"What kind of a question is that?" Bucky asked in disbelief.
"Next question!" Tony said.
"What's your favorite color?" Storygirl asked.
"Green."
"Black."
"Purple."
No prizes for guessing who said what.
"Alright then. Jarvis, what are the scores?" Tony asked.
The bachelors' scores popped up on a screen. Loki's was the square root of pi, Bucky's was an infinity symbol, and Kilgrave's was a picture of a donkey.
Tony turned towards the screen. "Stay tuned for the final question to find out who will be our lucky winner!"
The Shipping Game will be right back after a word from our sponsors!
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The scene shifted to the inside of a house. Steve Rogers walked through.
Hey, you! a female voice said offscreen.
Steve turned toward the camera. "Who, me?"
Yes, you. Are you lonely?
"...yeah."
Are you having trouble getting a girlfriend?
"Yeah, pretty much."
Is your best friend and his sexy metal arm getting more girls than you?
"Wait, who is this?"
The scene switched to a white background. A blond woman dressed in green walked onscreen.
"Then you need Amora's latest product!" she said, holding up a pink spray bottle. "Amora's Spray-On Love Potion!"
The scene switched back to Steve, who was spraying himself with the potion.
Spray yourself with this once, and all the ladies will be attracted to you! And maybe some men!
Natasha Romanoff, Darcy Lewis, Sharon Carter, and Phil Coulson all ran onscreen, obviously attracted to Steve.
We use a blend of Asgardian ingredients to magically make anyone in the area attracted to you!
"These are just actors, right?" Steve asked as they got uncomfortably close. "...right?"
The scene switched to a close-up of the spray bottle, with a price tag-9.99-on it. Screaming could be heard in the background.
Order by calling 1-800-LOVE, or online at .com!
"STARK! THIS IS NOT FUNNY!"
If you get mauled while using Amora's Spray-On Love Potion, talk to your doctor, because Amora's Spray-On Love Potion may not be right for you.
"STARK!"
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The stage came back onscreen.
Tony spoke. "And we're back on the tour of forced roma-"
"Tony, what did you do to Steve?" Bucky interrupted.
Ignoring Bucky's question, Tony went on. "So, what's your final question, Storygirl?"
Storygirl thought for a minute before replying. "What do you usually do on Valentines Day?" she asked.
Tony grinned. "Bachelor number 3!"
Kilgrave smirked. "It's always fun to see two lovebirds fight to the death, so..."
"You need serious therapy," Tony interrupted. "Bachelor number 1!"
Loki sighed. "Valentines Day is just another day to me, except with the emphasis on romance. And the appearance of one Jane Foster in Asgard."
"Bachelor number 2?" Tony inquired.
Bucky shrugged. "I guess I just give candy or flowers to a girl I like. Nothing too special."
"And that's it for the questions!" Tony said. "Storygirl000, have you made your choice?"
Storygirl smiled. "Bachelor number 2. Not a hard choice."
Applause sounded as Bucky walked around the wall to his lucky date. Upon getting a good look at him, Storygirl ran over and kissed him on the cheek. He blushed.
Tony turned towards the camera. "Well, that wraps up this episode of the Shipping Ga-"
"NOT SO FAST, INTERLOPER!"
Before anyone had time to react, a giant dark magenta dragon crashed through the ceiling, sending the studio audience fleeing for their lives. On the dragon's back was what looked like a griffon with a horse's hindquarters.
"What the fuck?!" Storygirl exclaimed. "Why the fuck is Silver Quill here?!"
"I heard you were doing a Dating Game parody without consulting me as a host! YOU MUST PAY!" the griffon-thing-Silver Quill-yelled.
"This is an Avengers fanfiction, asshat!" Kilgrave taunted. He was met by a breath of fire from the dragon and died instantly.
Tony quickly got his Iron Man armor on and confronted the dragon, while Bucky grabbed Storygirl-who was taking photos with her phone-and got the hell out of there.
"Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, suckers!" Silver Quill cackled maniacally.
"It's May!" Loki pointed out.
"Whatever!"
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Okay, a few things I'd like to talk about.
First, in case Silver Quill's appearance doesn't tip you off, this is a parody of a brony collab animation called The Shipping Game. Look it up. It's hilarious.
Second, Kilgrave-or the Purple Man in the comics-is the main antagonist of the Jessica Jones first season. He had the ability to control minds, so now his dialogue makes more sense. And yes, he's only here because David Tennant plays him.
Third, I have a raging crush on Bucky Barnes, so this is a bit of self-gratification. I keep my age the same as in real life (I'm 15) because I can. (That last bit was for you, my darling sister who thinks people are going to call Bucky a pedophile in the reviews.)
Fourth, if you want to know what I'm doing next, look at my profile page.
R&R, and I'll see you next time!
(PS please don't call Bucky a pedophile.)