Final Fantasy X – The Unheard Version
Okay, so we have a black mage with massive boobs and some six foot Jamaican dude that hits enemies with his ball, now explain to me how that is effective apart from making the enemy going "shit!" as it gets hit? Some large blue animal... thing that literally scares the crap out of me and a girl that would rather throw the other girl that twirls a large rod to bring big, fuck-off animals from the sky off road of her goal? Oh not to mention someone that's ALREADY dead.
What a team!
So yeah, my name's Tidus and I'm nearly as normal as those other characters. I'm not really alive, I'm actually an illusion created by the Fayth's that provide Yuna – the girl that twirls the rod – with the powers to summon. Hell, we're going to do a good job aren't we? Listen to my story. It's quite warped, it's not as normal as you think and it is certainly not your average world saving story!
*Flashback to Zanarkand*
Big game tonight, in memory of my father. Pah! In honour of a man that called his child a cry baby? Fuck off. Anyway, fan girls to attend to. It's the same stalkers as every single week.
"Good luck!" one of them squealed. Inside I was screaming but of course, as a public icon and Blitzball star it would not be kind to wring their necks, so I had to quickly think of something quirky to say so they would not follow me, again, to the changing rooms.
"When I score a goal, I'll do... this," and made possibly the stupidest arm gesture in the world. Why, Tidus, why? "And that'll mean it was for you." I sighed. Onto the kids now.
"Can you sign our balls?" one of them asked. Whoa kid, slow down! Oh, the Blitzballs... Taking the pens to sign them I had to restrain myself from writing something stupid.
"Two, three. TEACH US TO BLITZ!" they yelled altogether. Cheesy, I know.
"Not tonight, I got a game," I replied. They groaned. God what does it take to make kids happy?!
"After?" they then pleaded. I agreed resentfully.
"You can't tonight" a voice sounded from behind. My reaction? What the fuck?! There was some ghostly kid with a hooded jumper on telling me what to do. Heck they say I don't need to hang out with these kids I'm taking that chance! I ran through the crowd, past the huge building that boar the image of my father. Bastard. I hated him so much. By the time I reached the entrance of the arena I got swamped, and I mean swamped.
"Dude, don't touch my crotch! Lady, PLEASE, I gotta get through! Let me go!" I had to yell to the crowd. The team double checked that the stalker girls had not been following me and let me into the changing rooms, did the hustle and made our way out.
Ach, you know what happens. Awesome music, epic blitzball playing. But the night is coming with a catch. What I didn't know was that Auron, for some bizarre reason, was standing on a bloody high building watching the attack of a monster named Sin come. As I jumped out the water sphere to try and do my special kick, I saw the city being destroyed. As strange pellets were shot at me I managed to grab onto the side of a building as the stadium was hit and began collapsing, but the aftershock was too immense and my fingers slipped. This was sure as hell going to be a long night.
"Auron?" I asked, bemused. As I stood up and rubbed my head (at the same time asking myself how the fuck did I survive that fall?) I caught sight of Auron standing by the entrance of the arena.
"How's it hanging?" he yelled. Oh God, no. Mid-life crisis, thinking he can manage modern language alert. Ignoring that I preferred to ask,
"What are you doing here?" With a strange salute of his free arm he began marching forward as if part of an army drill. Facepalm. We had to run through the streets and through the crowds who were kind enough to shout "watch out you asshole!" unaware they were running towards an inevitable death.
"We call it Sin," Auron spontaneously came out with. I looked at him, my head slightly cocked to the side.
"That's the only name you could come up with for it?!" He snorted.
"Don't blame me, blame Squaresoft. Anyway, let's blow shit up!" I could go with that. Since we could not be bothered being attacked by what was called 'sinspawn' and Auron conveniently had a sword given to him, apparently by my dad, we blew up the road on which we had been standing. It was almost cinematic the next event, running in slow motion towards the edge to leap off graceful –
"Tidus hurry the fuck up!" he yelled after me. Geez Louise. My leap was slightly misjudged, the road began collapsing as I jumped and managed to grab hold of very edge of the other half of the road. Who happened to be standing on their two feet somehow? Yes, Auron!
"How the hell did you get here?" I yelled at him over the vacuum noise, I did manage to notice it looked as if the city was being sucked up into Sin's arse.
"It's called going with the extremely complex storyline," he babbled as he grabbed the neck of my collar.
"Get the fuck off me! Just help me will you?" I begged. He chuckled and said before being sucked into the hole (or in my head, arse),
"This is your story, get the fuck on with it."