Author's Notes: Sooooooooo... it's been over two months since I've last posted anything... woops...
Anyway, here I am with yet another extremely long one shot that can't be a called a one shot anymore... more woops...
The idea was to make this into a small one shot with only two of the factors it has now, well maybe three:
1. Heartbroken Doctor.
2. Broken Phone.
3. Donna finding out about his feelings.
The story I have now contains all of the above and more... I just haven't quite defined more yet nor have I decided whether Martha and The Doctor will actually end up together.
Most likely not if I don't continue this story after I stopped at where I'm planning to stop.
I don't know how many chapters this thing is going to get, I'm hoping to stay below the 5, but knowing myself I think 10 would be a safer bet. Yours truly tends to make stories a lot longer than they plan to make them *looks at the huge list of other stories that should've stayed below the 1000 words sheepishly, which isn't that huge as I haven't written that many stories yet to be honest.*
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this.
Set mostly between Planet of the Ood and The Sontaran Stratagem but will most likely move towards after the end of the Doctor's Daughter
The chapter title was kinda inspired by the song Pain by Hollywood Undead. the real line is: now I can see your pain.
I only chose this because the song ended up stuck in my head while thinking up the title. *grins sheepishly*
Disclaimer: While I wasn't here I tried to get the rights for Doctor Who but unfortunately I failed so I still don't own anything you may or may not recognise.
Warning: Contains mild cursing.
1. Now I Can Feel Your Pain
The Doctor sat on the captain's chair in the console room, he was bent over and his hands were clasped together in between his knees. He was thinking.
Well, to be honest, keeping himself from panicking is a more accurate description.
They had just gotten back from the Ood sphere and Donna had directly gone to her room while murmuring something about taking a nice hot bath. The Doctor was sending the TARDIS into the vortex but meanwhile, he found that he just couldn't put Ood Sigma's cryptic message out of his head.
I think your song must end soon.
He knew that Ood Sigma wouldn't have bothered saying this if it didn't have some sort of meaning, he just didn't know what it was and that was what bothered him.
It scared him even.
He could think of several things this message could mean and none of them was good news. The Time Lord couldn't help but shiver at the thought of some of them.
He also couldn't help but think about the last time he had gotten a similar message during his early days with Martha.
He had taken Martha to New Earth that fateful day. It had been supposed to be a fun day out, but it had been anything but fun. Martha had been kidnapped and had nearly died. Yet, he knew that she wasn't angry with her captors, she had actually felt sorry for them when she had learned why they had done it. Martha had told him that much later while they were stuck in 1969, he was really proud of her capability to forgive and actually feel sorry for them. Most of his other companions would most likely only have managed to forgive at the most. They still had kidnapped her and nearly caused her to die after honestly didn't know if he himself could forgive them for that some day.
Later on that day he and Martha had watched the Face of Boe die together later that day and their old friend had told them his last secret.
But know this, Time Lord. You are not alone.
Back then The Doctor had had no idea what it meant and now that he knew he wished he didn't. He didn't understand why Jack did this to him, why would he tell him something like that if it would turn out so badly? He knew he couldn't ask Jack this now and would most likely never be able to get his answer from the immortal.
What he didn't know yet that Jack hadn't meant the return of the Master with his message.
But that day Martha had also shown her stubborn side, practically demanding him to answer her questions. With anyone else he would've stayed silent, probably would've just walked away after they had sat down on that chair, they would've followed him eventually, not wanting to be stranded on an alien planet. But there was something about Martha that often made him tell her some of his darkest secrets and that night had been the first time he had done such a thing.
He told her about Gallifrey and The Last Great Time War
Right as he started talking to her, he realised that he wanted her as a companion but stupid him had pushed the thought away immediately and had kept towing her along like some sort of stray puppy.
Something she absolutely was not.
Compared to Martha Jones, he was probably the stray puppy himself.
Martha had comforted him when he inevitably had started to cry while telling her about Gallifrey, it had been too much for him. She had guided him back to the TARDIS and had led him towards the library and had ended up just holding him as he had sobbed over the losses during the war.
It was a wonder that she had actually been able to find the library on her own as she had only been there once during the quick tour he had given her the previous day. Most companions needed days, if not weeks, to figure out how the TARDIS worked, she had this habit of changing the corridors about.
But somehow this didn't affect Martha, it never had. The TARDIS always provided just what she wanted or needed. The TARDIS wasn't that considerate towards him even though he had been with her for more than 500 years. The Doctor had never been able to feel jealous about this, though. Martha deserved the best of treatment, not that he had given it to her, more likely the opposite of that. The TARDIS genuinely liked Martha and had tried to make up for his misbehaviour as well, he had known that back then already but only had admitted it to himself after she had put him in his place like she had and left his side.
Even though he never treated her as he should've had, she had always been there to comfort him when needed. Which actually had happened quite a lot when he thought about it. Martha had climbed into his bed when he had had a nightmare after the whole ordeal on the SS Pentallian to comfort him and helped him go back to sleep. He knew that it secretly had been an excuse from her to get comfort from him as well, she had had a close call on the ship herself and he was certain that he had scared her a bit while he was infected.
It had become a bit of a habit, whenever one of them awoke the other during a nightmare, or occasionally, in The Doctor's case, the TARDIS alerted him that Martha was having a nightmare. The awoken one would climb into the bed of the one that had had the nightmare to comfort them. He knew that Martha sometimes had faked a nightmare to get him into her bed just because she didn't want to sleep alone, he never confronted her as he had been guilty of the same thing. It would've been hypocritical of him to call her out. This eventually resulted in them sharing a bed almost every night, not minding the fact that the Time Lord didn't need to sleep as much as his human companion. He often ended up watching her, even though he knew that it was completely wrong of him to do that. He just couldn't stop himself from doing it, it calmed him.
The Doctor took a deep calming breath as he ran his hands over his face, right now he was everything but calm. Only now his fear of what Ood Sigma told him started to truly hit home. He wished Martha was here, she would know how to make him feel better, she always did. But she wasn't here and would most likely never be here again.
The Time Lord got startled out of his thoughts by a bleep on the console, he looked up at the screen to see what was wrong. But instead of finding something wrong he saw that lights were indicating to one of the small lockers on the console that was normally not visible.
"You want me to open that?" He wondered out loud.
The lights blinked indicating a positive answer.
The Doctor sighed and got up, not having the energy to argue against his ship at that moment. He walked over towards the console and opened the locker.
Martha's phone. The Time Lord felt his hearts drop to his stomach at the sight of this, knowing what his beautiful but stubborn ship was suggesting.
"No!" he exclaimed, but he picked up the phone anyway and walked back over to the captain's chair and flopped back down on it.
The TARDIS wanted him to call Martha and, if he was honest with himself, he wanted to call her himself. Martha would be able to help him feel better. She could make everyone feel better.
But did he have the right to call her? She had given him the phone so she could call him! Not the other way round.
Why would've Martha put her new number in the contacts if you're not allowed to call it? The treacherous voice in his head pointed out. That voice always tried to convince him on acting on his feelings.
She put it there in case I needed help! I can't just call her without a reason! The Doctor argued against the voice.
But you need her help. The voice argued again.
The Time Lord sighed.
I don't deserve her help. He thought back sadly.
Martha would never deny you help. The voice argued.
The Doctor smiled to himself and once again wondered whether he was crazy for arguing against himself.
Well, most people would classify him as crazy anyway, wouldn't they?
She wouldn't, she's too good for that. But I have to deal with this on my own. I have no right to call her and disturb her life again. She's too good to deny help to a complete arse who not only destroyed her life but also broke her heart. After everything, calling her for something this small would be selfish. He could feel tears forming in his eyes, but fought them.
The voice stayed silent this time.
Satisfied with his result he looked down at the phone and started turning it around in his hands.
He had royally screwed up things with Martha, he would never be able to make up for all the things he had done to her.
You could always start with apologizing The voice started again.
Knowing that the voice was right The Doctor sighed again and opened the phone going to the contact list.
Once he found Martha's number he hesitated.
What would he even say? How lame is apologizing over the phone anyway? Should he tell her his true feelings?
Better not.
Martha probably would never want anything to do with him ever again once he told her how he felt about her, not after how he had acted like it wasn't that way the whole time she had known him. Especially not since he had acted like an arse while doing that.
There was nothing he could do to fix this!
He closed the phone again.
The Time Lord felt so much anger at himself for what he had done, yet he also felt scared about the prophecy of Ood Sigma and facing Martha again in the future.
The Doctor let out a cry of frustration, he hands formed fists but he wasn't quite crushing the phone yet.
He couldn't do this. He could not face Martha, he would rather die.
Why did I have to be so god damn rude! He thought angrily to himself, he didn't realise that his breathing had become laboured by his emotions.
Then the phone rang.
It was the last straw. He ended up throwing the phone away as hard as he could, not feeling strong enough to deal with whatever it was that it wanted and somehow throwing the phone away felt like the only way to not have to deal with it.
The ringing stopped immediately after it hit one of the coral pillars.
Somewhere in the back of his mind the thought that Martha would be livid about the fact that he didn't just neglect to pick up the phone but also destroy said phone passed. But he couldn't find himself to care as he finally let out all the emotions he had kept carefully locked up after she had left and even some from before that.
He finally let himself cry.