Author's note- A completely shameless self-insert that is brain child of my buddies on the cyborg central forum (TSM, Taer, Polos, I'm looking at you). This story will focus more on the humorous side it will contain a little bit of everything with a generally light hearted tone. Enjoy
It seemed like a good idea at the time
"Son of a bitch, and here I thought the Thai were bad at making maps for tourists," a tall dark haired American grumbled rotating a large map several times squinting at street signs. This continued for several minutes until the map was stuffed back into a pocket a crumpled barely usable mess. "Well this is just great," the man said cutting through a back alley in his attempts to find Vatican City. Sadly the alley was occupied and it didn't take a linguistic genius to realize that three large men leering at a cute young girl would eventually lead to bad things. "Um, excuse me," the man called out in Italian as one of the reprobates hands got a little too close to the girl.
"I told you before, keep your hands off me you losers," the girl responded in Italian, wrenching his hand away before effortlessly tossing her assailant assaulter into a nearby dumpster. The remaining two Italian meat bags also ended up in the dumpster with barely a thought, before the girl continued on her way.
"Could you tell me how to get to Vatican City," the man finished in broken Italian, startling the girl.
Shit he saw me… crap what the hell am I supposed to do now….. I can't just kill him….. Crap, I'll have to take him back to the agency. "Yes it's this way," the girl said pulling the tall dark haired man along.
"Ok…" the man replied his arm nearly ripped out by the girls vice like grip as she made a quick call on her cell phone. "Well this explains how she took care of those guys." She must some kind of Olympic athlete or something… Man I hope she doesn't kick me, they always end up kicking me.
"Um, I don't think this is the Vatican," the man said in English looking up at the non-descript compound the girl lead him to.
"Sorry," the girl said in Italian before racing inside the compound. "Hi Priscilla."
"Come this way sir," a cute Italian woman with wavy brown hair cropped at her chin said in English.
"When in Rome," the man said following the woman inside. "So are you guys a tour company," the man asked. Hello nurse, this isn't the Vatican but I can deal. I wonder if she might be free for lunch.
"What makes you say that," Priscilla chuckled.
"Well, after that Judo expert, destroyed those sorry excuses for men. I asked her for directions to Vatican City and she darn near ripped my arm off dragging me over here," the man replied.
"Beatrice!" a girl ragged as smoke billowed out a second story window of the main building as a young girl with oddly colored hair raced past them.
"So you're an orphanage then," the man replied.
"Something like that," Priscilla replied before bursting into laughter.
"Beatrice…." A brown haired blur screeched as she slammed into the unsuspecting man. "Sorry, sorry, sorry," the girl said quickly before racing off.
"Man she hits like a linebacker… what do you guys feed them in Italy," the man said from the ground. Since when did Italy start up Chinese style athletic training academies?
"Italian food," Priscilla chuckled helping him up.
"Hahaha, nice one," the man replied.
"You'll have to excuse them, they are a little spirited," another young girl said with passable English fixing her glasses as she worked away in her garden.
"That's normal for kids their age. You have to let off steam somehow, or….." the man replied.
"They will go off like a bunch of rabid gerbils mainlining a mixture of crystal meth and bath salts," the girl added.
"Haha, I would have said spider monkeys on crack, but gerbils work. So what are you growing?"
"I am attempting to grow grapes," the girl dead panned.
"Which variety," the man asked.
"Bellone," the girl replied offhand, scowling at the half dead vine.
"Ah, I see," the man said crouching down next to the girl. "This is the region for growing them, you just need to check the nutrient and pH levels in the soil. It's probably been degraded overtime due to soil upheaval from repeated urban renewal over the centuries."
"Thanks, the girl replied.
"No problem," the man said. "And I won't tell about your secret wine making project." The man whispered making her face flush red.
"Sorry, I'm a bit of a science geek at heart," he said to the older woman as they continued on their way.
"Ok….." Priscilla sighed. Tea you really need to stop bringing home strays…. But at least it's not an escaped tiger this time.
"Um, if you don't mind me asking, where are you taking me," the man asked.
"You'll find out soon enough," Priscilla replied.
"Well try anything once I guess," the man replied with a smirk.
"Are you a new handler," a young tomboyish looking girl with short hair asked in Italian coming up to them.
"Sorry I'm but I'm just a tourist on vacation who got a little lost," the man replied in garbled Italian before patting the girl on the head. "But I'm sure someone would love to adopt a lovely girl like you."
"But I don't need to be adopted. I have my big brother Jean," the girl replied.
"Let's go Rico," a stern faced man snapped as he walked by shooting him a withering glare. Since when are we getting a new handler, the second generation girls are still in the planning stages? Just what are you up to Lorenzo?
"Ok," Rico chimed racing off after him.
"Man, what crawled up and died in his rectum," the man grumbled.
"Don't mind Jean, he has had a rough life," Priscilla replied.
"Ok… but that still doesn't mean he has to be a jerk about it. I wouldn't mind giving him a punch or two in the face, but I'd rather not wake up in an Italian prison," the man grumbled, as another girl crossed their path before stumbling and crashing into the dirt.
"Angelica," Priscilla called out as she raced over to the frail looking girl.
"I'm alright, Marco just wanted me to run a few laps," Angelica replied struggling to her feet.
"Well I think you deserve a rest," Priscilla replied. "Let's get you inside."
"No I have to keep running," Angelica said as she continued to trudge down the path.
"Um, this might a cultural thing, but is there a reason why that girl is running in the hot sun when she looks like she should be on bed rest," the man growled. And to think I left this kind of shit behind when I stopped coaching in NJ
"Nope just another idiotic male who needs to be punched in the face," Priscilla shot back.
"Hhhhmmm, if you promise it won't cause an international incident, I'll gladly volunteer so you don't have to damage your delicate hands my lady," the man replied. And the fact that I would really enjoy it, is just a bonus.
"Hahaha," Priscilla laughed as they headed indoors. Sorry while Marco might deserve it but Angelica would tear you to pieces afterward.
"Priscilla….." a dark skinned blond with her hair up in twin pony tails exclaimed rushing to turn off the large screen TV blaring Japanese music as a dynamic battle played out on the screen.
"Triela, what are you doing," Priscilla asked staring at the screen.
"Nothing…." Triela replied sheepishly.
"Oh… cool was that Nanoha Vivid…" the man asked.
"Yeah," a surprised Triela replied. WTF….. he actually knows what it is.
"Wow, and here I thought they we're going to go full loli mode. I didn't think they would make it so bad ass." The man replied.
"I know," Triela gushed. He is cool, not as cool as Hillshire but cool.
"Sweet, now they just need to finish up with the Strikers movie," the man added.
"They are making a strikers movie," Triela asked.
"Yes but apparently it's an all new plot, and not a rehash of the show. I am hoping they do the time skip between A's and strikers," the man added.
"Score," Triela replied. I don't care what I have to do but I have to get Hillshire to take me to that movie.
"Priscilla," a woman's voice barked.
"Oh crap, Olga," Triela said vanishing from the room.
"Calm down Olga, I was just giving him a tour," Priscilla replied.
"The tour can wait, Lorenzo wants to see him now," Olga stated.
"Man, what has her panties in a twist," the man mumbled.
Section Break
"Christopher O'Donell, age thirty 34, an American on vacation for the summer," an older gentleman said from behind a large ornate wooden desk.
"You must be Mr. Lorenzo," Chris replied examine the ornate yet spartan decoration of the office.
"Yes, now the question is what am I going to do with you, now that you've seen Italian state secrets," Lorenzo asked.
"Um, what state secrets, while I did enjoy Priscilla's lovely tour of your orphanage, you could just tell me how to get to Vatican City, and let me go on my way. Although I wouldn't mind taking Priscilla out to lunch as payment for her time. Doh, why the hell did I just say that.
"Um…. Sure," a blushing Priscilla stammered.
"Do you have any idea, what you saw," Lorenzo replied leveling a steely eyed glare on the poor man.
"Um, an Olympic level judo expert teaching several Italian dunder heads how to treat women properly," Chris replied as Tea fidgeted in the background. "I'm just glad it wasn't me for once Olympic athletes tend to have a tendency to kick me in the head." Chris added causing the blond haired girl to giggle slightly.
"Why," Tea asked.
"Depends on the situation, but twice it was because I was swimming to slow," Chris replied sheepishly.
Lorenzo's head slammed against the desk with a meaty thud. "You mean to tell me a little slip of a teenage girl, throwing three grown men one handed into a dumpster doesn't look a little out of the ordinary to you."
"Well, Tea isn't a little slip of a girl and I'll give you that it isn't a normal everyday thing, but it's not the strangest thing I've ever seen," Chris replied as the Priscilla, Tea, and Lorenzo gaped at him. "Well there was that time in Mongolia…"
"Something tells me I don't want to know," Priscilla groaned.
"Well a Canadian, Australian, and an American went hiking…" Chris began.
"Ahem," Lorenzo coughed. "The more important thing is what I am going to do with you."
"I'd rather not get a pair of cement shoes," Chris replied as another woman barged in.
"Oh good he's here, Bianchi bailed on me again," the woman groaned. "Come with me."
"Um, ok," Chris replied as Ferro drug him from the room.
"Ferro wait," Priscilla called out as Lorenzo's head slammed against the desk again.
"I need a martini," Lorenzo groaned as his head hit the desk again.
"It's too early in the day to start drinking, sir," Tea replied.
"Tea, it's after 6pm somewhere in the world right now, so get me the god dam martini and I'll approve that little trip of yours," Lorenzo sighed.
"Yes, sir," Tea saluted rushing to get the director his drink.
Section Break
"I haven't had time to read over your resume, but can you teach science," Ferro asked walking briskly down the hallway.
"Um, yeah, I've been a middle school and high school science teacher for the last nine years. My specialty is Biology, but I can teach the rest including AP and IB even if I'm not technically certified for them. Not that it matters those curriculums are geared towards teaching to a test to much anyway." Chris replied.
"Yeah, yeah, here is the lesson, just keep them from destroying the place," Ferro said shoving a stack of papers into his hands before pushing him into the room.
Man how the hell did I end up teaching a class on my vacation, all I wanted to do was to see the Vatican today, and the next thing I know I've somehow seen state secrets. Plus I'm teaching a class in the middle of summer. Man they do some weird stuff in Italy, but the women are pretty hot, so I guess it's ok if I can get a date later. "Ok, class my name is Mr. O'Donnell and it seems that I will be your substitute for the day, so if you don't mind taking your seats we can get started," Chris said looking over the room filled with the girls he saw earlier along with several others.
"Great another idiot substitute, just get the movies and be done with it," Chiarra snarked.
"Agreed," Sylvia added.
"Hey Triela what do you want to watch this time," Chiarra asked the agency princess as she studied the new teacher.
"Now I may not know much Italian ladies, but I know when students are talking about me behind my back. So if you don't mind could you move up here to the front," Chris asked walking towards them.
"Why should we," the pair replied in Italian.
"Because I'm asking nicely, and I would hope that you have enough respect for teachers, to at least give me a chance, before turning into a pair of brainless twits who couldn't find their way out of a paper bag with instructions," Chris replied stunning the room. Nuts I probably shouldn't have said that, but it is my vacation.
"Why you….." Sylvia growled.
"Can it," Triela hissed. "Or I will can you."
"Thank you for the help Miss Triela, but the choice is really up to them. Now some of you I met before and some of you I haven't so if you could just raise your hand when I call your name that would be great." Chris asked as the pair moved to the front. "I'll warn you ahead of time I might butcher your name so just correct me if I'm wrong.
"Triela," Chris called out eying the pigtailed girl he met before her eyes more focused than most students when meeting a new teacher for the first time.
"Here," Triela replied. He is different than the others. He looks at us like we are just normal girls. Is that just a mask or does he truly not know…?
"Claes," Chris called out.
"Here," the glasses wearing girl replied. Interesting, he isn't on the medical staff, and he doesn't look like a new handler or soldier attached to the agency. Who is he?
"Sylvia," Chris called out again working his way down the list
"Here," Lousy teacher, why do we need to know this garbage anyway?
"Chiarra,"
"Here," What's the point to all this
"Elsa,"
"Here," …..
"Henrietta,"
"Here," So much for watching Frozen today.
"Rico"
"Here" Jean might be a jerk sometimes, but he is my jerk.
"Beatrice"
"Here" Beatrice replied fighting back a smirk as one hand snuck up her shirt. Hehehehe, here comes the boom.
"Beatrice, I don't care if it's a fake, hand it over," Chris said glaring at the girl.
"Hand over what sir," Beatrice replied.
"I might not know much Italian yet, but I'm not blind, so hand it over," Chris pressed standing over the girl.
"How," Beatrice gasped handing over two flash bang grenades.
"I was a student once just like the rest of you, not to mention a teacher for nine years now," Chris explained. At least she didn't blow it up in my face.
"But how did you know, Mr. O'Donnell" several girls asked in surprise.
"Beatrice, how old are you?" Chris asked.
"Ten," Beatrice replied.
"And how many ten year olds are as well developed as Ms. Ferro, or Ms. Priscilla," Chris replied as Claes raised her hand. Crap I'm doing it again… Ah screw it… it's my vacation darn it
"Yes, Claes," Chris said.
"Normally none, but what about pernicious puberty," Claes asked surprising the girls.
"That is true, but if Beatrice was developing early, she would have other changes correct," Chris replied.
"Yes, but that still doesn't tell us how you knew," Rico asked.
"That's simple, Beatrice's chest went from the size of Ms. Priscilla to a normal ten year old girl," Chris replied.
"Crap didn't think of that," Beatrice muttered.
"Anyway, today's lesson is on," Chris began taking a moment to read over the sub plans Ferro left for him. Blah, blah, blah environmental organization, blah, blah, biodiversity, blah, blah….. Ok seriously this lesson blows. I'll be tearing my hair out by the end not to mention what the girls will do….. Ok, I think I can fix this. "So it looks like you are up for a science lesson," Chris said to a chorus of groans. "So I take it that you aren't big fans of science?"
"It's boring," Rico yawned.
"Well how do you study science," Chris asked.
"Try to stay awake while Dr. Bianchi drones on about it," Chiarra added.
"Well he is doing it wrong, the best way to study science," Chris stated.
"Is to not bore yourself to death," Angelica said softly.
"To do science," Chris cheered.
"Look, I don't know how your previous teacher did things, but we are going outside for some real world science," Chris said loudly as the girls perked up a bit.
"Really," Elsa added drawn in by the enthusiasm.
"Yes, but I need to go over a few things first," Chris stated to a chorus of head nods as the lesson began.
"Yes, Chiarra," Chris asked as the girl raised her hand.
"Why should I care about biodiversity and all this crap," Chiarra asked.
"I agree it's not the sexiest or more interesting aspects of science these days, but it is very important to determine if human actions are currently detrimental to the environment. It can also help us to determine if a potential choice might be detrimental in the future," Chris replied.
"Yeah, yeah, but how will it help me right now in my everyday life," Sylvia added.
"You got me on that one," Chris replied.
"Ha, I knew it was useless," Chiarra muttered.
"No knowledge is useless, but some knowledge just needs a bit more thought before you can use it," Chris replied.
"Prove it," Sylvia spat out as Triela and Claes shot her a withering glare.
"Hhhmmmm," Chris said taking a minute to think as he walked around the room. "Well let's say you are looking for a wanted fugitive hiding out in the hills outside the city. Now these hills normally have a wide variety of grasses and flowers, but now you find a large spot that has significantly less variety. Any normal person might just walk by if everything else looks normal, but you would know better and consider taking a second look. Wow I'm completely pulling that one out of my but. I mean yeah technically it works, but I'm not a military guy. Wow it actually got there attention…. This is interesting…..
"So that's how the bastard got by me," Rico muttered.
"Now for a larger scale example. A military analyst has to look at the composition of trees and plants to determine if a site is hidden in a forest or other areas," Chris said as the girls looked at him funny. "Yes I know it is a bit old school with all the fancy scanner we have these days, but it still works. So does that answer your question girls?"
"Wow," Sylvia and Chiarra gasped.
"Good to hear, so who wants to go outside for a lab," Chris stated as a chorus of affirmatives filled the room.
"Alright so here is what we are going to do. Rico, Henrietta, Beatrice, and Elsa, you are going to work in pairs and make a food web of all the living things we can find here at the orphanage including if you think it is a primary producer, primary consumer, or secondary consumer. Sylvia, Chiarra, Angelica, Triela, and Claes, you will form groups of three and perform a site sampling on two different areas of the compound. Try to pick an area that is more disturbed, and one that is less disturbed," Chris explained. "Now does anyone have any questions?"
Not a single hand was raised, as the girls were quivering with excitement to get outside for some real world learning. "I'll take that as a no then," Chris replied. "Oh one last thing, if you can't see me, I can't see you, and that is a problem, so no running off."
"Yes, sir" the girls chimed as they moved outside.
The girls quickly got to work with Claes, Triela, and Angelica marking off a segment of Claes's garden for a disturbed site sampling. Sylvia and Chiara on the other hand found a clump of trees off in the corner of the yard. Beatrice, and Rico, were pointing out one thing after another chattering away in Italian as Henrietta struggled to write everything down. Elsa was the only one left out, sitting quietly under a tree playing with some of the grass, as she looked on sadly at the others.
"Elsa why aren't you working with the others," Chris asked.
"It's nothing… I'm used to it," Elsa replied looking down at the ground.
"It's not nothing," Chris replied sitting down next to the young blond, who looked more Swiss than Italian. "So what is going on?"
"They think I'm weird," Elsa replied. "Because I'm quiet all the time, and they think my brother is a jerk."
"Well I don't think you're weird, and even if your brother might be in need of an attitude adjustment, that doesn't mean you are a jerk. I think you're a nice girl, and they are being idiots, not to mention breaking the rules," Chris explained ruffling her hair.
"Ok," Elsa said cracking a small smile.
"I know you are a smart girl and more than capable of completing the lab on your own, but why don't we see if we can get you a partner," Chris said standing up. "Henrietta, Rico, Beatrice," Chris barked out in a crisp, sharp shout.
All of the girls and several of the staffers jumped to attention, saluting in surprised teacher direction. Locking eyes with the girls in question, he held one arm extend beckoning them to come closer with his hand. The trio in question seemed to teleport right in front of him literally shaking in their shoes.
"Don't recondition me," the girls whispered in Italian looking down at the ground.
"Oops, I guess I was a little louder than I thought," Christ muttered. "Now could one of you explain to me why you are working in a group of three when I told you to work in pairs?" Chris asked as the girls continued to stare at the ground. "I'm waiting…."
"Is there a problem?" an easy going man asked.
"Um…. My Italian isn't so good," Chris replied in English.
"Ah…. New guy… but I didn't think we were taking any Brits on as handlers. Hillshire," the man said in English with a noticeable German accent.
Man the Germans really are freaking everywhere… "Handler….. Is that what the Italians are calling substitute teachers these days?" Chris replied. "The girls here were just about to tell me …."
"I smelled something cool over here, Elsa…. Maybe it's a truffle….. If you help me dig it up I'll split the profit with you," Beatrice said tugging a surprised Elsa along. I hope Hillshire doesn't take my cookies away.
"Ok," a surprised Elsa muttered as the girls returned to work.
"Do you have much experience at this kind of thing," Hillshire asked surprised by how easily he handled the murder midget trio due to the high collateral damage they tended to cause on missions together.
"Three years in the states, one each in Japan, Micronesia, and Israel, plus another two in Mongolia where I am currently working," Chris replied.
Man he must be something else, I've only done couple years in the Berlin PD, before moving over to Europol. "You certainly get around but I didn't think the Israeli's hired non Isreali citizens?" Hillshire asked.
"I know I'm not Jewish and it was an interesting experience, when I didn't want to throttle the little bastards, but all I had to do was teach the regular stuff, and they handled the Jewish stuff," Chris replied.
"Um….ok….." Hillshire replied. I don't even want to know what counts as regular in the IDF Special Forces.
"So Hillshire right, you are Triela's big brother. It's a nice thing you're doing here, helping to care for an orphan and all that. If I wasn't on vacation and headed back to Mongolia to teach next year, I might try and be a handler to," Chris replied.
"Don't it's not worth it," Hillshire replied.
"Why not… I think it's a very kindhearted and noble thing to do," Chris replied.
Chris's eyes widened in shock as Hillshire slammed him up against a tree. "Do you have any idea what it means to be a handler," Hillshire growled. "To know that your girl is going to slowly deteriorate and die, in service to the Social Welfare Agency."
"Um….. Handler….. Service… Social Welfare Agency…. I thought I was just being used as a substitute teacher for the day. I mean I get lost, see some girl throw a guy in a dumpster which somehow is Italian State secrets, end up teaching a bunch of girls for the day, and now an angry German slammed me into a tree. I mean with as weird as this day has been couldn't at least have been Ferro or Priscilla doing the slamming." Chris replied. Just my freaking luck…
"You mean you don't know," Hillshire gasped.
"Don't know what," Chris replied.
"That we are combat cyborgs meant to fight enemies of the state," Elsa stated softly.
"Well, shit you really do learn something new every day, and that does actually explain a lot," Chris replied. Well that explains the super strength…. Holy shit then that was a real freaking grenade…. I could have blown myself to pieces… what the hell is wrong with Beatrice… "Gotta say that the Italians make much cuter cyborgs than Hollywood ever did," Chris added ruffling Elsa's hair.
"How can you say that with a straight face," Chiarra growled.
"You know what we are now," Sylvia added.
"What that you're young girls, or cyborgs or both. So what if you have a couple of extra parts, you still have less plastic in your bodies than your average woman from Hollywood. You've been nothing but good students for me today so why would I think you're anything else." Chris replied with a chuckle stunning the girls. Somehow I doubt they had a choice in all of this
"Just like that," Triela said waiting for the other shoe to drop.
"Yup, besides it's not the strangest thing I've ever seen or done," Chris replied with a smile to the girls surprised faces. Um….. Not a chance in hell… but they seem like nice kids… certainly much better than those jerks at the Jewish school, so they can't be all bad.
"What was that," Beatrice asked.
"Well there was that time in Kyoto when…" Chris began as a loud shrill voice cut him off.
"Where the hell have you been? Do you have any idea how long we've been looking for you." Ferro screeched.
"Um… no…" Chris replied.
"All you had to do was follow the instructions I left you," Ferro replied.
"Yeah sorry about that. The lesson was terrible so I changed it," Chris replied with a shrug.
"You changed it, what possessed you to change it," Ferro shot back.
"It's more fun and interesting to do science than it is to just hear someone prattle on about it." Man what has her panties in a twist… and she seemed like such a nice girl.
"Do you have any idea the trouble you caused, what if we needed to get in touch with the girls for an emergency mission," Ferro replied.
"No, and I'm sorry if they missed lunch, and what's this about missions" Chris shot back.
"Missed lunch… Missions….." A wide eyed Ferro replied. "… You weren't briefed….."
"Nope, I'm just a tourist looking for directions, who got to learn a lot more about Italy today than I ever would have imagined. I don't suppose you could give me direction to Vatican City now since it looks like todays lesson is over," Chris replied scratching the back of his head. Something tells me I am not going back to Mongolia anytime soon though.
"Argh…. Do you have any idea the trouble you're in," Ferro growled glaring up at the taller man.
"Not really unless you are going to give me a pair of cement shoes, which I would really like to avoid. That stuff just never comes out you know. I ruined my best pair of running shoes in New Jersey that way," Chris replied. Ah hell I'm boned…
"You're coming with me," Ferrro growled grabbing his arm marching back to the director's office.
"Is there any chance we could just talk this over. I mean I am really good at forgetting things, and keeping my mouth shut," Chris protested.
"No," Ferro shot back.
"I mean it's not like I saw the girls actually do anything right. It's not like anyone would actually believe me. I am know as something of a crazy idiot," Chris replied.
Ferro groaned rolling her eyes. "That is up to the director to decide, but I will put in a good word for you. That was most interested I've seen the girls in any lesson not taught by their handler.
"I try, and does this mean that I will be working in Italy now, because I wouldn't mind working under such a lovely administrator," Chris replied.
"Shut up," Ferro growled slamming him into a wall.
"Why is it everywhere I go the woman end up being able to beat the crap out of me," Chris groaned. "At least it wasn't the Mongolian sleeper hold this time."
"The director will see you now," Tea said opening the door to the director's office.
"Thanks," Ferro replied.
"Don't worry Director Lorenzo is a good mood. I made his martini extra dry and used some of Olga's special Russian Vodka," Tea replied.
"Thanks," Ferro replied. I think.
Well regardless of what happens I don't think I'm going back to Mongolia or the States anytime soon.