Preface

we will die with the pressure

of what we strive for in our blood

Mai Rivers

For a moment - one distilled and prolonged moment – everything is completely silent. She almost thinks the silence will continue on forever, and she's terrified. But it takes one second, and a flick of hair, and it is –

Chaos

It doesn't take long, before they are gone –

Lost to the shockwaves of violence ascending up their spines –

They are gone –

Are gone –

Gone –

Gone

I awake with a start, sweat sticking to my skin uncomfortably as the world comes into focus. I risk taking a peek out the window my head had the - oh so joyous - pleasure of resting on for the past hour and I see the world is moving, fast.

"Morning sleepyhead!"My mother's voice cut through the silence so patently it's disorienting. God, she was so loud and happy, it irritated me. I wished she'd tone it down; I've been awake for literally three seconds.

"We're almost there." She continues her eyes wide, always wide in excitement. Her now silver hair shining in a monochromatic wave of color on her aged head, despite this she seemed tired. Old.

"Fabulous." I mumbled, my voice raspy and broken from miss use. I clear my throat once, twice, before slouching in my seat. I could feel my mother's intense gaze on me, she hated it when I slouched. She seemed irritated, good, I think, nobody should be this happy.

She lets out a very deliberate huff of air and I am taken aback at how indifferent I am, perhaps I should feel more… I don't know, sad, guilty at the very least. After all it's not like I had only lost a father, I mean my mother lost a husband too. But she didn't love him. I remind myself, and that's all it takes for me to go back to staring furiously out the window.

"I think this will be exciting." Yes, very exciting –

Because once your father dies the exact thing you want is to go to the very town he was raised in, with your very emotional mother who only ever cries in front of other people –

"Don't you want to know where your father and I met?" No, I think cynically.

"You don't need to sell me on this stupid town, alright? Literally I could care less, I don't want to be here. That's not going to change because you might take me to a restaurant you and dad ate at together once. Okay? So chill." I spit out angrily, never taking my eyes off of the window and changing scenery around me.

"Well I just thought, I mean, this place is… him, you know? I just I figured if we came you'd miss him less." She splutters ignorantly, her voice hurt, her eyes probably hurt too. I feel no remorse. I told her how I'd felt before we came and she chose to ignore me.

"God, don't act like you're sorry. Like you're doing this for my benefit. Jesus mom I am not an idiot; you just feel guilty. Guilty that dad was dying and you chose to f his brother." I ground out, the words tasted like acid.

"I am sorry." She mumbled her voice low, "I told you that, and you must know I am. I didn't, it wasn't supposed to happen. I mean it just…it did. God, Mai I hope you understand someday. When you love someone you just you can't stop. God I tried. I tried to stop." This is the most she's spoke about the subject, every time before this she'd gotten three words and after that broke into sobs. It was pathetic.

"Hah! Love, I am sure you loved Uncle Greg so much." I was being mean now, no I was already being mean. Now I was being cruel. But I couldn't stop. I just wanted her to be sorry, truly and utterly sorry, not sorry because she was supposed to be, but because she ruined our family.

"Just stop it, Mai. You're talking about things you don't understand." She whispered, tears pooling from her eyes.

"Yeah, you're right. I don't understand."

The rest of the car ride was spent in silence, cold and archaic silence. It was numbing.

I fiddled with my fingers mainly, tracing the curve of my palm and memorizing the lines engraved into my skin. I didn't look up until the car had come to a grinding halt. Slow and deliberate. We were at a gas station.

"I have to go the bathroom; do you want me to pick you up anything while we're inside? Or if you're hungry we could stop someone. There's this diner I haven't been to in ages, your father's favorite- "

"I am fine." I hiss, and she nods, choking back tears I presume. You see I am not looking at her, I can't. Every time I see her I just get so angry, and mad. She'd betrayed all of us.

I don't remember much of that day, the day I found out my father had died. I just remember coming home from school and hearing noises, noises I really shouldn't have been hearing. I'd figured mom and dad should have both been at work still.

I remember creeping up the stairs, and how the third step groaned almost in protest when I stepped on it, as if in warning. But I kept going. Let's just say you never want to find your parents in the act, and you most certainly never want to find your mother and uncle in the act either.

Everything was eerily quiet as my uncle and mother shot me pleading looks, guilty and ashamed. You could hear a pin drop, but within an instant the monotonous sound of the telephone shattered the silence like glass. I remember running to get it, partially to just get away, and partially because I was having a hard time wrapping my mind around what I saw, what I will always see from now on.

I hadn't expected the person on the other line to be a police officer –

Accident –

Father –

Dead –

I am so sorry –

I remember the phone slipping from my hands, everything was so cold after, that moment was when the blizzard began.

I didn't realize I'd started crying until I felt them fall, slow and tantalizing. The sun beat down on my skin, reflecting itself in my tears turning my cheeks into rainbows. I'd wiped at them furiously, god what if my mother saw, that was the last thing I needed.

She'd returned quickly, two sodas in hand. Dr. Pepper. My favorite. I wished she didn't know me, it didn't seem fair, I mean after all this time I had no clue who she was. I'd always been honest with her.

She slipped it into the cup holder next to me before taking a drink of her kiwi flavored water. When she'd finished she'd capped it and buckled up. I felt a pang in my chest as I watched her silently, all signs of the weak teary eyed woman I'd come to know gone. She seemed determine not to fall apart.

"Listen, Mai, I am sorry. Really. But I am not going to say it anymore. I can only say it so much, and I refuse to. I am human, Mai. I make mistakes, I can't say I am sorry anymore. So accept it or don't, but know this is the last time." Her voice wavered slightly but throughout it all she remained strong.

She waited a moment, only to be meant with silence. When it was made clear I had nothing to say to her she sighed and stuck her key into the ignition.

There it was again, that disconcerting silence that seemed to follow me everywhere. It was excruciating, and wrong, but I didn't know what to do. I am so angry; I don't think I can forgive her. So for now I guess silence it is.