One Week Before:
Dear Sam,
I know I said Cas and I would only spend a couple days at the cabin. But we just couldn't leave. You should see him in the snow. He loves it, haha. Next winter you should come with us, Kevin too. Colorado is really great you know. Cas made a snow angel and there was so much irony you could taste it. I promised to write so here you go. We are leaving tomorrow. I'll see you when we get home.
-Dean
"Oh right, you forgot that small detail that you totally low balled it and threw a snowball while I was relaxing!" Cas cries leaning toward Dean. Dean laughs and takes a sip of his coffee.
"Details." He mumbles, gaining a punch on the arm. It was almost Christmas and Dean and Cas had finally made it home to the bunker after their short vacation. Sam now sat comfortably at the table, listening to the recollection of wonderful memories the two had shared. Needless to say, Sam was twenty dollars richer due to the bets he made with Kevin over Dean and Cas's affections.
"Did you get any actual work done?" Sam asks, chuckling into his mug.
"It was a kid, not a yeti." Dean shrugs and looks away, knowing he would get reprimanded for spending a week with Cas doing nothing but playing in the snow. To his surprise, his brother just laughed and asked Cas for more details. Life at the bunker had slowed to a lazy and comfortable pace. Either the world seemed to be trying to make up for all the crap it had put them trough, or the monsters were just resting.
"Hibernating" Cas had jokingly said one evening. Either way, it meant that the bunker had turned into Christmas central. Lights, stockings, tinsel, the works, made the place look like Santa's Workshop. And today was the big day. Today they were getting the tree.
"Kevin!" Dean calls, and waits as stumbling steps race to the stairs.
"You ready to go?" Dean shouts up at the prophet.
"Yeah. Yeah coming." Kevin yells back, hopping on one foot to secure the sock he had been putting on. Standing up Dean ruffles Cas's hair and winks, earning a playful sigh from Sam. Dean shuffles quickly to his room and was pulling on his leather jacket when he notices Cas looking at him through the reflection in the mirror.
"What's up?" he asks, spinning on his heel and facing the ex-angel.
"I um-I can't get my zipper up." Cas mumbles, a red flush creeping up his neck. To Cas's surprise, Dean laughs his real laugh. The one where his eyes crinkle and his shoulders come forward. Dean hooks the zipper's teeth at the base of the jacket he had bought Cas and slides it up. At the top he smirks and looks down at Cas. His Cas. God it felt nice to think that. Castiel looked up through his eyelashes at Dean, whom he could also call his hunter, and smiled softly when Dean kissed him on his still flushed nose.
"C'mon. Let's not leave them waiting." Dean says. Cas nods and together they leave the bunker. The Impala was parked out front and Kevin was sulking in the back, having lost shotgun to a persistent Sam.
"Everyone ready?" Dean asks sliding into the front seat.
"C'mon Kev, lighten up." He says, only gaining Kevin's tongue stuck out him.
"Right," he chuckles "let's go then." The long and twisting roads gave way to steep mountain passes as the Impala roared back into the Colorado Rockies. The sky was a pearl grey and everyone was laughing at the small miracle of Dean turning the radio to Christmas music instead of his usual tapes. Once Dean dubbed the mountain range as "secluded" enough, everyone piled out of the car and began the trek through the forest on the hunt for a perfect tree. The snow covered hills were marked only by the newly appearing tracks of the boys and the only noises were the shuffling of feet and heavy breaths. Dean was so lost in his own thoughts that he jolted sharply when Sam called from a few feet back. "Hey, what about this one?" Dean shuffles back and examines the evergreen carefully.
"Good one Sammy." He says with a smile. The rest of the group hangs back as Dean pulls the saw back and forth across the trunk. The snapping of wood almost drowns out Dean's call of "Timber!" but everyone laughs at the ironic humor. Putting his hands on his hips Dean squints at the newly chopped tree.
"This will look great in the bunk-hey!" he shouts as snow is shoved down his shirt. Spinning around he catches Cas as he tries to scuttle away. Before Dean can counter though, a silvery missile shoots past his head. The snowball fight that ensues is an epic one that lives on in the Winchester's memories for many years to come. Cas and Dean dive behind a snow bank and the teams are unofficially established. None of them could tell you who one. Probably no one since halfway through Kevin turns on Sam and the teams deteriorate to nothing with a cry of "Every man for himself!" In the midst of this battle Cas steals a glance a Dean. Dean is happy with his boosting smile and steady hands, he reminds Cas of a child the way he's laughing and giggling. Unable to control the impulse Cas spins Dean around and kisses him. Dean's lips are cold and wet from the snow, but they are the same soft caress that Cas has grown to love.
"Get a room!" Kevin yells joking and nails Cas's head with a loose snowball. If this instant was freeze framed it would have look like a snow globe. Dean can recall every detail of the powder cascading down around him and Cas. How a few stray flakes catch in Castiel's eyelashes and hair, how the sun slants in the ex-angels incredibly blue eyes, even how their breaths rise up into one cloud that disappears into the atmosphere. This picturesque scene could have easily been from a movie but no, even better, it was just for Cas and Dean. The human brain has very selective memories. Later, Dean sees this one as a blessing to retain, but not until later, when he realized what he had had.
5 Days Before:
After sleeping the night in the Colorado cabin, the safety pin family took the long drive home. Decorating the tree had caused problems when certain things weren't "perfect" but eggnog was passed around and music played loudly and soon the troubles were forgotten. At the very end of the decorating experience Dean stands up with a small box.
"The finishing touch is a surprise." He announces, puffing out his chest a little. From the small box he pulls out a small hand crafted angel. The face was round with two blue stones as eyes and a little wire halo above it. The body shape was cylinder but drawn on was the outline of a trench coat with wire wings out the back.
"This may uh, be sort of, ah, chick-flick-y, you know?" Dean says, scratching the back of his neck. "But Cas, buddy, you'll always be our angel." The moment would have been perfect if Sam hadn't mimed gagging on his finger. Kevin threw a pillow at him but the moment was lost. Among laughs and a few more sacks with a pillow, Cas stands on tip toe to place the little angel at the top of the tree.
"I told you I would always watch over you Dean Winchester." He says, with his lopsided smile.
"Well," Dean says, grabbing the others hand, "I guess you were always better at keeping promises."
3 Days Before:
Dear Sam,
We went to buy stuff for Christmas dinner. Be home soon.
-Cas (and Dean is with me too by the way)
"Are you sure he'll like it?" Cas says uncertainly, examining the moose antler head band Dean was insisting they buy for Sam.
"Trust me, he'll get a kick out of it." Dean says walking down the next aisle. Antlers still in hand, Cas follows close behind and shrugs. Dean probably knows better than I do, he thinks to himself. While Dean was distracted with the turkeys and hams Cas slips off to the bakery. When Dean looks up he finds himself alone, asking the question of which is better to no one.
"Cas?" He says, turning in a tight circle.
"Cas?" He calls again, a hint of panic in his voice.
"Ca-" but as he turns again he crashes into his searches query.
"Cas what were you doing! You were there then you weren't! Where did you go?" he scolds. Cas smiles, pleased by his hunter's apparent worry.
"I couldn't forget." He says happily, holding up two pies. Dean's eyes light up and he laughs his real laugh again.
"See, this is why I love you." He says smiling. Cas freezes. He had never actually heard Dean say those words before. He wasn't too caught up on human's expressions yet, maybe it was a figure of speech?
"You-you, love, me?" He questions, pure sincerity burning in his eyes. A red flush is growing on Dean's cheeks but it only increases when he leans in.
"Of course I love you, asshat." He whispers into Castiel's ear, and he kisses him right in the store. And for once, no one said a word to stop them.
1 Day Before:
"I said no such thing!" Dean cries as Sam demands payment.
"Yes! You said when I won I'd get twenty bucks, now pay up!" the younger sings.
"No way pal. Maybe tomorrow." Dean says, giving Sam a classic wink. Sam throws up his hands knowing that he's basically lost this argument now.
"Fine. You know what, fine. I hate Monopoly anyway." Sam says laughing. Glancing at the clock, the little brother gives a pretend start.
"Well that'll be my time to tap out. Goodnight guys." He says, giving a wave over his shoulder. Kevin, who had returned from putting the game board back, bids his farewells as well leaving Dean to hunt down Cas by himself. Somewhere in the distance Dean hears muffled music playing and follows the noise until he finds Cas in the living room. A small fire is burning in the hearth and a record machine is playing old-timey Christmas music. Cas, who had opted to relax rather then play, was curled up on the couch, watching snow flutter down against the darkened window.
"Hey Cas, it's pretty late." Dean whispers, reluctant to break the peace Cas seemed to have.
"I know." Cas says simply. He's wearing one of Dean's sweaters over his button up, and had also found a pair of Dean's sweatpants to claim as his own. Dean puts his hands into his pocket and watches the window for a few minutes in silent company with Cas. The record player pauses for half a beat when the song changes.
"I know this song." Dean says walking forward. The 1949 version of 'Baby it's Cold Outside' begins to fill the room.
"Dance with me Cas?" Dean says, with an over dramatic bow he offers his hand.
"Dean I can't dance." Cas says, hanging his head and blushing a little. Dean's flattery never ceased to make him a bit flustered.
"I'll teach you. It's easy." Dean assures him. Hesitantly Cas reaches out his hand. Dean hauls him to his feet and begins to shuffle in small circles.
"See you got it!" Dean says, rocking slowly from foot to foot.
"This is it?" Cas asks, managing to keep up with Dean's steady rhythm.
"That's it." Dean mumbles into Cas's shoulder. They stay like this, in each other's arms, comfortably.
I simply must go. Baby it's bad out there.
Left, right, left right.
The answer is no, but baby it's cold out there.
Sway, sway, Dean squeezes Cas's hand.
My sister will be suspicious. Gosh your lips look delicious.
Dean leans in and brushes Cas's lips gently. A small noise creeps from the back of Cas's throat, and instead of letting Dean pull away to tease him like he sometimes does, Cas pushes his head back forward. Their kiss melts away the rest of the song, and neither of them notice when the record pauses then plays Elvis Presley's 'Silent Night' (readers please listen to this while imagining this scene: watch?v=Wt2gSw_1K7Y)
They stay together, swaying back and forth, completely warm and at home.
"I like Elvis" Cas whispers as the King starts the second verse.
"Me too." Dean says sleepily, still swaying. The thing about this moment was absolutely nothing. There was nothing holding them back, nothing between them, nothing wrong. Nothing had never been so beautiful. As the fire died and the record eventually ended the two stayed swaying back and forth for a long time. Dancing to a music all their own.
The Beginning of After:
Dear Sam,
Cas and I went for a drive. Back in a jiff.
-Dean
Just before walking outside to meet Dean, Cas slips into the living room and drops his letter to Dean into his stocking. Sometimes Cas forgot things so he wanted to make sure it was in there before Christmas which was only a few days away. The weather outside was frightful (Cas chuckles at his own description) as he shuffles to the Impala.
"Ready?" Dean asks as Cs takes shotgun. With a nod of approval they are zipping down the mountain pass to The Lake. The Lake was a discovery made by Dean shortly after arriving at the bunker. He kept it to himself for awhile as a place to escape and relax. As all things too good to hide it eventually couldn't warrant secrecy anymore, so Dean told Sam, and when Cas came home he showed him as well. The Lake had served summer time fancies such as picnics, fireworks, and fishing, along with winter wonders like skating. The Lake had seen Dean and Cas's first kiss and silently observed their first fight and first makeup. The two had shared some of their best moments here, and for this reason Dean had chosen The Lake to propose. Proposing was such a romantic gesture it had taken Dean this many years to finally decide on it. When he talked to Sam about it he was surprised when Sam actually got choked up.
"Finally." Sam had said, pulling Dean in for a hug. That was all well and god but Dean had gone through many measures to make today perfect. He was going to take Cas skating (despite the ex-angel's lack of talent in it he loved it) then he was going to propose. The Impala slid to a stop by the lake shore and Cas looked at Dean expectantly. The ride had been silent, Dean lost in his thoughts about the proposal and Cas in whatever human daydreams he had become lost in.
"The Lake?" Cas asks, following Dean's lead and stepping out into the cold air. Dean winks then opens the trunk and hands Cas his skates.
"Skating!" Cas cries, taking them by the laces. Dean laughs and nods, and Cas hurriedly laces his up while sitting on the bumper. After considerable effort in tying the laces with frozen fingers the two hobble out onto the ice. The sun is a brilliant white in the sky, casting harsh shadows and making their breaths curl into the cloudless sky. The minute Cas's feet touched the ice they scream out from under him sending him sailing backward unto his butt.
"Haha, already?" Dean says, smirking and offering his hand. Dean hauls Cas to his feet. Shaking with his arms out Dean couldn't help but laugh. Gingerly he skates around the wobbly man and places his hands on Cas's waist.
"Easy there tiger." Dean murmurs, steadying Cas. Silently, Dean gives Cas a little push and they begin to glide across the ice. Cas is shaking and his arms are out, but his smile is wide and his eyes are glittering. Dean is smirking because he is currently pushing his (hopefully) future fiancé around the ice on a perfect morning. With his thoughts astray, Dean wasn't steadying Cas quite enough and with a small bump in the ice Cas twirls and falls on his back. Unable to stop the momentum Dean windmills his arms and lands with his hands on either side of Cas's face and hi knees against Cas's hips.
"Ha. Better be more careful next time." Dean says huskily. The close proximity was making Dean anxious, but before he could say anything Cas had tilted his head up and was kissing Dean. Cas cold hands wraps around Deans neck and Dean pushes his weight to one hand so he can cup Cas's face. When they finally break apart Cas is laughing to himself. Together they get up and start skating again. It's about an hour later when Cas finally says
"I want to try myself." His nose is red and his cheeks are flushed and Dean cannot say no. Looking back, Dean hates himself in this moment. Despite having no idea what would happen he still could have stopped it. He should have brought Cas to shore sooner, he should of, should of, should of. But he didn't. And he didn't stop Cas from skating towards the center, all wobbly and shuffling. And he didn't move fast enough when there was a dull pop. Dean didn't do anything right that day. So when Cas turns around to wave, the image of his eyes suddenly widening is scorched in Dean's brain. So is the sickening pop of the eyes, and the half yelp Cas manages before he disappears below the surface.
"Cas!" Dean screams every muscle in his body panicking. Cas resurfaces coughing and Dean starts to come closer. The ice pops threateningly and Dean stops. Eyes flitting every which way Dean gets on his belly and starts to crawl to the hole. Cas is sputtering and thrashing in the water and Dean can't. Get. There. Fast. Enough.
"Cas! Cas I'm coming!" he yells scraping another few inches. Every thought in his head is telling him to get off the ice but he pushing himself forward.
"Cas! Grab my hand!" he yells reaching as far as he can. Their fingers are inches away and closing when Cas slips below the surface again.
"Dammit Cas!" Dean yells, precariously moving closer to the hole. He looks into the black water and for a terrifying second nothing moves.
"God please no." Dean begs and as if the entity was listening the bubbles spurt and Cas gasps to the surface. Without hesitation Dean grabs Cas's collar and drags him onto the ice. He isn't breathing right, its short and sputtering and frankly, has Dean scared as hell. Dean grabs Cas under the arms and crawls with him to the shore.
"D-de-dean I'm c-c-c-cold." Cas sputters. His lips are purple and his fingers are blue.
"I know. I know." Dean murmurs, trying not to panic. At the shore Dean pulls Cas into his lap.
"Shh. Sh. I'm here. I' here." He murmurs rubbing his hands up and down Cas's arm. Dean numbly calls Sam and manages some sort of distress that brought Sam coming. Cas is shivering violently in Dean's arms and Dean knows he NEEDs to get warm. This thought has only just crossed his mind when suddenly the shuddering stops.
"Cas?" Dean says searching Cas's faces. There are icicles on Cas's eyelashes where the water froze and his lips are a sickly shade of dark purple.
"It's not cold anymore Dean." Cas murmur sleepily. Shit. Dean thinks. Cas's body is going into shock.
"Cas. Cas buddy you need to stay with me okay?" he strains stroking Cas's face. Cas is looking into Dean's eyes, but his gaze is glazed and unfocused.
"Mmm. I'm sleepy." He slurs.
"Cas. Hold on. Please just hold on!" Dean cries, hunching over trying to give Cas his heat.
"Please, please, please." He says begging someone, something, begging for mercy, to trade places with Cas, ANYTHING.
"Dean Winchester I will always love you." Cas says. There it is. The drum beat. The music quieting. Everything in his world is silent except his heart pounding. Dean knows exactly what is happening somewhere in his brain, but he continues to plead with the universe as if that'll help.
"I love you more." He chokes, tears streaming down his face. Because the part that knows what happening demands it.
Dean stays with Cas pleading over and over to no avail. He couldn't tell you when Sam got there. Or how they got to the hospital. Everything was a blur of "please, please, please" and murmuring Cas's name. He does remember punching a nurse in the face when they try to take Cas away and Sam having to explain everything to her. Luckily the nurse understood and in the long and distance future Dean is glad she doesn't press charges. Kindness is a virtue that she apparently had in abundance. Dean sits in the waiting room and cries and cries and when he can't cry anymore he sits in stony silence. No one can get him to talk despite their many tries. The thought that the lake was HIS damn idea keeps him paralyzed. The only thing that makes him move is when the Doctor comes in. Dean looks up with hope charging his mind and his world stops when the Doctor gives a small shake of his head. Sam drops his head into his hands and Dean can't breathe, his words caught in his throat.
"I'm so sorry." The Doctor says, placing a hand on Den's shoulder. Then he has to go because he can't worry about a broken man when there are living breathing people who need his help. The words reach Dean sluggishly and all he manages is to take the ring box out of his pocket. An almost animal scream rips threw his throat as he hurls the box across the room, and then he goes limp and numb and then there is absolutely nothing.
1 Day After:
Dean wakes up to Sam sitting in a chair next to his bed in the bunker. Apparently he had blacked out but the nurses had let them go home. All this information hits a dull brain, because what's a body that's lost his soul?
9 Days After:
The funeral, the "I'm so sorry"s all pass Dean in an unfortunate blur. He nods his head and says 'thanks' when necessary but that's about it. On Christmas morning he surprises Sam by coming out of his room.
"Dean!" Sam says, overly happy, probably compensating for the absolute misery that Dean is emitting. Dean offers a strained smile. Sam walks over and gives Dean a hug. If he had any left, Dean would have cried.
"I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing." He chokes.
"I know. I know." Sam says, his throat tightening because the words were all too familiar. Dean holds up his positive smile through all the presents. He even drinks enough Eggnog and beer to feel the warmth in his stomach. He walks to the fireplace and pushes aside the thought of dancing here with Cas just a few days ago. He pulls down Sam's stocking and his own, setting his brothers on the table. Taking a swig of beer he reaches inside and is surprised when he pulls out an envelope. Sam cocks his head when he glances up from the candy he had received in his own.
"Where did you get that? I didn't put that there. Who-"Sam didn't finish his sentence when realization settled on him. Shell shocked, Dean slowly pulls out the creased paper.
"Dean, maybe you should wait." Sam says. Dean shakes his head softly and continues. There comes a point in grief where you cannot stop yourself from falling so what's a little more speed? Now, dear reader's I will leave you with the letter and to your deductions. I am not Eric Kripke and so Cas will not come back. He is gone. In this story. In this time. That's the nice things about stories though. They can be rewritten, remade, live on. Never let go of the Great Maybe. You never know how a story truly ends because that is up to you. Merry Christmas to all. And to all, a goodnight.
Dear Dean,
You asked me once what I loved about you, and though I could go on about a million things I shall refrain to keep it short. Feelings were always foreign to me, but around you I could let them happen and actually enjoy it. I was never good with words, well, you weren't either, but it wasn't your words that made me fall in love with you. Yes Dean Winchester, I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I don't know why I didn't say that more, I thought it would be hard but to say it to you is easy. So this is me promising everything. A million more "I love you's". A million more days. A million more tomorrows. I love you Dean, and I will ALWAYS be your angel.
-Castiel
"Merry Christmas Cas." Dean whispers, the tears finding their way back.
"I love you. I love you. I love you."
That was the last time Dean ever said I love you. But he never got rid of that letter.